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Date Posted: 15:45:23 06/21/06 Wed
Author: Richard
Author Host/IP: adsl-69-209-156-143.dsl.sfldmi.ameritech.net / 69.209.156.143
Subject: I'm here... kinda...

I am sorry that I have not been around for a while. I have been in a weird mood or state of mind. I have not been thinking or expressing my self that way I would like. I went to the rheumatologist yesterday. I failed to accurately describe all of my body's pains. His office did not get the first blood test results that show positive for the A and A test. I think that is the name of it. That is what it sounded like. The second tests they received from my regular doc’s office showed negative for whatever that test was for. I am not sure about all this. I haven't felt like researching it much. I think that my autoimmune disorder has something to do with lupus and I think that has something to with inflammatory connective tissue disease or worse. I did finally get my regular doc's office to find the first blood test results and fax it to the rheumatologist. You know I have experienced way too many traumatic events and things in my life. I seen any one of them cripples some people. However, I have had this dogmatic state of mind that says f*ck life and all its shit. I ain't going to let it cause me to kill me or anyone or cripple my state of mind. But, this seems like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Only it is a bit heavier than a straw. In the past when tough times were upon me I usually can be there for others. This time I seem to be spending all my life's energy avoiding thinking about something. I am just trying to get by until I feel like living again. I might not post again for awhile, then again maybe I will. Right now, I don’t think I can predict anything. Because of the weather (heat and rain) and medical appointments I have not been able to get to the park often. I made it out yesterday. I <strike>think</strike> know that the park is a <span style="font-weight: 600"><em>need</em></span> thing so much more than a want thing. The weather channel is showing that I might be able to go again this Friday after hydration infusion and Saturday morning. I sure wish that I could move those days up till today.

Richard

P.S. Thanks much for thinking about me, Sandy.

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