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Date Posted: 16:44:38 06/21/06 Wed
Author: Mikki
Author Host/IP: 68-188-189-246.dhcp.bycy.mi.charter.com / 68.188.189.246
Subject: Thanks Sandy
In reply to: Sandy 's message, "Mikki" on 10:16:56 06/21/06 Wed

I knew back in February that I was too dependent on therapy. I brought it up to the therapist and he always told me "I'm not ready". He always said that I was more emotionally stable when I went once a week. For 10 years I believed that.....can't do anything without the therapist.
But just before Lent, I really really wanted to just fly on my own. People deal with crap everyday without the help of a therapist, so why can't I? Where I made my mistake, and all the trouble started was I just unilaterally made the decision to give up therapy for lent without even talking to him about it. That upset him....big time, for he still was responsible for my mental health treatment even though I refused to come in. He was strictly looking at liability, not my mental health when he wrote that first letter telling me that if I didn't comply, he wouldn't be my doctor anymore.

That set me off.....and 3 months and many nasty letters, argumentative sessions and lots of tears, it's finally over.

Looking back on it...(obsessively at times), I could have done things differently. I could have talked to him about my wanting to be more independent in an adult healthy way. But I go to extremes.....and I sure did. In all our arguments and letters and everything, everything came out about our relationship. We both realized that his brand of therapy was hurting me, not helping me. I am lost without him right now. But I'm ok.

I never believe that I am strong. People tell me that I am alot stronger than I think. I see myself as that weak, bipolar mess of a human being who isn't competent to make her own decisions. But that is wrong.....I can handle things, and back before Lent, I knew I could do it on my own. He and I just terminated the most emotionally destructive way possible.

But I am still here....still standing!! I called Jim's office to set up an appointment. Hopefully I can get in to see him. I know I need a therapist when I am really sick, and to get to some of my deep seated issues that I didn't trust to therapist from hell. I'll be ok.....I know that.

Thank you for pointing that out to me. I promise I will try to believe it.

Love, Mikki

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