| Subject: Gold Balloons |
Author:
Holly
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Date Posted: 09:46:18 06/20/04 Sun
So, I am a sap, but I'm not completely stupid. I'm waiting for the pig's blood to drop on my head. Or at least the bucket of cold water.
It's the same old set-up, and I remember what happened the last time I saw gold balloons, yet, somehow, I feel hopeful. Just a little bit, but hopeful nonetheless.
Why? How many times do Todd and Blair have to get back together with one or more of Todd's lies between them?
How many times do I have to listen to Blair, who's been deaf, dumb and blind, wilfully blind to what everyone else in town knows, shriek at Todd that he will never see their children again?
What makes this time different from the last 500 times or so?
Okay. I'll tell you, and, btw, thanks for asking.
This time, the lie is not about something Todd has done to Blair. He didn't kidnap Starr this time. He didn't tell her Jack was dead. He didn't try to pass off Jack as an adoptee. He didn't lie to her about who he was in order to get her to sleep with him.
It's not even really about him or her or their kids. (Spin, spin, spin, I know, but I'm getting to that.) Yeah, I know, he wanted to help keep Kevin out of Blair's dainties, but this isn't his lie. It's not his tale to tell.
This is Kelly's puppy. And it happened at a time when Todd could not have been expected to share every detail of his life with Blair. Put more simply, he hasn't hurt Blair and then compounded that hurt with a bunch of lies. So, there's less to forgive.
That, at least, is progress.
Why do I bother? Because I want to believe, that's why. My history is no secret. I left XH1, and when I did, I truly thought there could be no forgiveness or reconciliation. I pined for years, thinking it would get easier, I would get past it. I married someone else who seemed nice enough, maybe even a little bit righteous, heroic, and long-suffering to someone who didn't know him too well. Or someone who was willing to accept what others told her.
I wanted that to work. And when it didn't, I felt unworthy. I felt worthless. And I still missed XH1.
Cut to the present, XH1 and I are back together, we have a child, and most days, things are pretty good. Forgiveness and reconciliation are ongoing work. Dirty work, with circular, repetitive shit and plenty of backsliding. But the ultimate progress is forward.
Is XH1 Todd? Nope. RH and he used to somewhat resemble each other, before one got old and fat and the other had work done. Todd and XH1 shared dry wit, deep hurt, and a certain aggressive response to pain. But XH1 is a real, imperfect, often unromantic human being.
I'm not Blair, though my ostrich act rivals hers. I don't even identify with her, except for her inability to move on from (I believe) the only man she ever really loved.
Todd and Blair are not real. They're characters, caricatures, even, who broadly and exaggeratedly represent the persistence of love, even when, or perhaps especially when, it's dysfunctional.
And that is why the tiniest glimmer of progress, the finest sliver of hope, has drawn me back to this couple.
Until they fuck it up again.
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