| Subject: im back |
Author:
bittersweet
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Date Posted: 22:05:39 09/10/04 Fri
hey everyone! sorry i left so suddenly like that- i was on vacation....i tried to get on the computer before i left but by the time i was all packed and ready to go my b/f was rushing me out the door >:/
the vacation was relaxing...it was good to get away from pills for so long....everything was fine of course until i got back like a few days ago...on the first night i returned i found myself begging my mother for diet pills-- i mean, BEGGING! cause i dont have an ID yet, so i cant buy them....this is very unlike me, because i have arreythmia (spelling) from taking too many years back and i hate the things, i despise them. it was like it wasnt even me asking for them. when she said no i started crying and couldnt stop for hours...also, my mom is talking about forcing me into therapy...she wants to see if some doctor would force me to go or something because she found my "ana book" -- it's a notebook with all numbers in it, adding, subtracting, multiplying calories- weight charts and stuff like that....i agree w/ her it's not right i have to live my life OBSESSED with numbers! but i need to...i cant put a single morsel of food in my mouth without knowing the amount of calories and how im going to burn them... i told her i'm not going to therapy or even leaving the house again until i lose weight...perhaps i should just get some help?? i really dont want to go anywhere - i dont want anyone to see me... i dont know...sorry for this guys, this is just my time of year. i hate the fall. it was around this time almost 6 years ago when i first started starving myself, so every fall i go stir-crazy.....dont you just wish you could stay on vacation forever?? lol, i really missed you guys, but there was no computer where i was staying....anyways, i'm up to 100 lbs right now and am trying to stay away from any type of pill, even if it means somebody has to tie me down....i'm willing to do that, i told my mom and b/f about the pain killers and all the prescriptions are hidden from me-- it means being treated like a baby but deep down i know i need it....sorry this post was so long, i had a lot to catch everyone up on....
what happened to dawn? did she really leave? i never did get to say goodbye, that really sucks, i hope she and everyone else is okay....
(PS, thank you chocolate for the new forum and thanks to everyone who emailed me)
take care
~jane~
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