Self-Esteem Issues.. -- Dreams

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Subject:

Self-Esteem Issues..

Author:
Alaurra

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Date Posted: 23:01:06 05/16/05 Mon

Hey guys. I'm new here. I needed someone to talk to so bear with me ..this is a long story. I am 21 years old and I weigh 170 pounds. I've been trying to lose weight for years. I starve myself for a while, lose 10-15 pounds and then put it all back on again. I have a wonderful boyfriend of over 2 years who loves me alot but he says I need to lose weight(which is true).. but it doesnt help that he weighs 130 pounds. he's very small. Last december I got involved with another guy.. (and i'm still with my boyfriend). The "other" guy is alot older than me.. 11 years older than me and we've been kinda going on and off for a while. I know it's wrong what I'm doing and I want to stop but this other guy has become my best friend and I don't want to lose him.. nor do I want to lose my boyfriend who luvs me more than anything.. ! Here's where it relates to eating, weight problems,etc. See around my boyfriend I always feel huge. I hate being bigger than him. And he's said a kazillion times that he finds skinny girls very attractive and he's pushing me to lose weight but he loves me the way I am.. But with my boyfriend I just dont feel sexxy. With this other guy..we started out being best friends and it progressed from there. Now it's like a full blown affair. He's taller than me and weighs about the same, probably a bit more than me. Which makes me feel alot better about myself with him. He alwayz tells me how sexxy i am and hot and everything.. We talk on msn alot even tho he lives like a 10 minute drive from my house. A couple times he convinced me to send him some naughty pictures that I took with my webcam and I trusted him enuff and i did it. Well as I was saying a few days ago I was at his house and he was saying that he was talking to his friend sean about me and I asked him how much he told him.. and they're best friends so I guess he told his friend everything about me.. and I asked if he had seen my pictures and he said well yes, some of them. So I didnt know what to think! So I was kind of upset wondering what they said about me so he let me read a string of emails that they sent back and forth. mostly he wrote about the sex to his buddy.. yknow guy talk.. then he tried to cover my eyes cuz he said there was something in there he forgot he wrote and didnt want me to see but it was too late.. i saw it.. he had said to his friend that my pictures looked better than real life ..and how I was a bit fat and I could lose like 30 pounds. And it hurt really really bad. I try really hard to lose wieght without starving myself.. and before he made me feel sexxy and i thought he really liked me.. then I see that he's telling his buddys that I'm fat behind my back.. I pretended I didnt read it and that everything was ok and tried not to cry.. because I was too stunned to know what else to do and I didnt want to look stupid. Ever since I read that I can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling fat and ugly. I can't eat without feeling like I want to throw up. I didnt know I cared so much about what he thought of me but I do.. .. I feel horrible. i havent confronted him on it because I dont know whether i should. he didnt mean for me to see that. It really hurts tho..

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
Re: Self-Esteem Issues..	Chocolate	00:10:05 05/17/05 Tue
Re: Self-Esteem Issues.. -- Sandy, 17:00:15 05/20/05 Fri