| Subject: Re: Roommate Drama Progression/Shani |
Author:
Deb
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Date Posted: 21:44:15 10/09/04 Sat
In reply to:
Shani
's message, "Re: Roommate Drama Progression/Basil" on 15:50:40 10/09/04 Sat
>>>Deb,
>>>I thought I would let you know what the latest was
>>>with the roommate issue that I was having a little
>>>while ago when we were on the other forum. I don't
>>>know if you care or remember or care to remember that
>>>she had commentend to me that she "noticed when I
>>>didn't eat", would give me the big "half" of food,
>and
>>>made sure that we always ate together. Well, we work
>>>together as well as live together and it can be a
>>>little rough sometimes. Just because we spend so much
>>>time together.
>>>
>>>Yesterday when she got home from work, she asked me
>if
>>>she could talk to me and she said she felt like she
>>>was getting the cold shoulder from me and everything.
>>>She said that it didn't bother her when we didn't eat
>>>together, but she feels that I am not the same to her
>>>at work or around people like I am at home, which is
>>>true to an extent...I tend to use people as a buffer
>>>between us.
>>>
>>>So I actually stood up and told her that I didn't
>like
>>>all of the comments that she made about my food and
>>>everything. It was soooo liberating. One less thing
>>>that she can control me with. There were definitely
>>>things that I need to improve on as well (I recognize
>>>that) but it was good to have my issues (AKA
>requests)
>>>out in the open and tell her to stop harping on them.
>>>
>>>She also said something that really annoyed me too
>>>while we were talking...She made the comment that she
>>>did not think that her standards were ridiculously
>>>high and that she was felt they were attainable. I
>>>told her that putting standards on ME for MY personal
>>>life (besides regular house stuff) was not her
>>>responsibility. I told her that I feel that her
>>>standards are just that...HER standards and I don't
>>>want to live a life that she has set up for me. I
>>>didn't move in with her to have another mom. So her
>>>standards may NOT be ridiculously high, but that
>>>doesn't mean that I WANT to live up to them.
>>>
>>>It all sounds so catty written out, but I didn't get
>>>an attitude or anything. I tried to speak calmly and
>>>approach it with the greatest of ease so as not to
>>>hurt her feelings or whatever. I THINK that I did the
>>>right thing, but what do you think? She came home
>and
>>>confronted me first, then I wrote out her arguments
>>>and my rebuttals and then presented that to her with
>>>solutions for my behaviors that I felt were indeed
>out
>>>of line.
>>>
>>>Feedback?
>>
>>Shani, Although you didn't address this to me, I just
>>want to say that I think you handled it very well.
>>Learning to live with roomates can be trying anyway,
>>but when they start trying to manipulate (I think that
>>she was being manipulative to you) it's even worse. It
>>sounds like you expressed your needs appropriately,
>>and stood up for your own rights without things
>>getting hostile. I think you did good.
>
>Thanks...I was really nervous about it. So it makes
>me feel better to know that I handled it well. I try
>to be fair and present both sides, but it still ends
>up a little skewed sometimes. Thanks for replying...I
>really do appreciate the feedback.
Of course I remember the conversation and situation you had with your roommate. You hadn't brought it up in awhile and I didn't want to ask but I'm glad you did.
If you also remember I suggested that when confronting people in general, if you do so in a calm, adult manner and don't raise your voice or end up in tears then they will tend to really listen to you even if it's something they don't agree with or want to hear.
You're to be commended for being prepared and handling the situation extraordinarily well. As Basil said, living with someone else (including partners/spouses) is always trying and takes a lot of getting used to. I also agree your roommate, whether she intends to do it, or is simply doing it unintentionally, is being manipulative and she has no grounds to do so and should not be allowed to do so. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I believe the same is true in manipulating someone.
I think you did a marvelous job and especially for standing up for yourself. That's one of the hardest things to do! Good job ~ Congrats! :o)
Deb
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