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Date Posted: 14:55:07 02/27/14 Thu
Subject: Raven Message 2/25/14
Hey Guys, I know that you are well aware of what is going on right now for me, and whether I choose to let go, let nature take it's course, stop with the doctors, port flushes, bloodwork, etc, or if a miracle occurs (and it would truly have to be a miracle), I wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me over the years. I am not sure that you realize all that you have given to me. Sometimes people go and they never have the chance to thank the people they love or tell them things that they should have told them before it's too late. I have seen it happen too many times. It's not going to happen to me. I want to say these things now while I still can. No regrets.
This was such a huge decision for me when I was first diagnosed with the mother of all cancers (Angiosarcoma). Should I tell my readers or should I just keep things quiet and one day they will just get a notice that I have passed away. Would I be seen as weak and pathetic. Would my illness seem like drama for those that eat their young and detest those of who are sick or dying. Would I be seen as an actress because I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put it all out there without holding anything back. So many questions and fears at the time, but now I realize that it was God that gave me that boost to finally open up, and open up I have...fearlessly and brutally honest. It's true that most of us with this cancer die painfully and quickly, but I have beaten the odds until now.
I have been honest in all my updates in every conceivable way, and for most of you, that was a thing that only drew us closer together, but for some, it was sign of drama or weakness. That I should hold it all in and not let any of it out. I was even called a "Camille" by a very sick and twisted man. I began to see that even with the slings and arrows that I have received, there has been so much good from my sharing all of this. I have brought more awareness to this insidious form of cancer. I have actually done something I could have never seen myself doing and came to God. I found something that had eluded me my entire life and that was faith. When I was younger and foolish, I had mistakenly been more interested in the darkness.
I turned to the darkness once when I was very young, as I always felt it trying to pull me away from the light, even as a child, so when I finally got down on my knees and prayed, I thought God was probably going to have a good laugh. How convenient that I should come to him now. I was so wrong. He opened up his heart to me, and I was given the knowledge that I was forgiven and that it was never too late to come to him. To know him. To change and let the light in. That changed so many things for me. It's never too late no matter what you have done. You don't need a special building. You don't need special clothes. You don't need the right words. You just need to speak to God and ask for forgiveness and help. You will begin to feel a light that may startle you a bit, as it did me. You may notice that you suddenly feel kinder, and any resentment and hatred in your soul, is replaced with thoughts of love and compassion for others. You just feel better spiritually, and for the first time in your life, you will never feel alone again. It does not happen overnight. It happens day by day and grows, just as the light grows inside of you. The more you pray, the more you feel it. The angels are literally all around us, and they are not fairy tales. They are real and all you have to do is believe and call on them. They will hear you. They will do all they can to help you. This is not a fairy tale. I used to think the world was just full of monsters, but to find out that this incredible beauty truly exists, and that God and his great army are quite real, was one of the greatest moments of my life.
I have been tested greatly by this incredibly cruel thing that has happened recently as you know. It is my greatest battle and the most painful I have endured thus far. I received an email from the nurse where I am treated, which left both John and I spiraling out of control, trying our damndest to keep our wits about us, and not fall apart completely. Many of you have said that it's because of my bright light and my "voice" out there, that I have been targeted by the dark realm and by it's adversaries to destroy me (it uses the sick of heart, the envious, the hateful, the callous, the heartless, and all of the weakest links on earth to do it's dirty work). Especially because I once belonged to it many years ago, and it's not happy about the changes I have made in my life. I guess it's become personal now. I noticed things getting darker after I began giving more testament to God, and the Archangel Michael in particular. I guess I stepped on one of it's many claws. It wants to stomp out my light along with the good that I have done, and have continued to try and do. I see it for what it is. I truly do and need you to know that (I am no fool).
The physical pain, fevers, infections, MRSA sores, and the cancer growing back itself, have been enough to make me want to throw in the towel more often than I would care to admit. I have stayed strong somehow, and you helped me to do this. I want to thank you for that. No small feat, but you have always been there. As you know, my beloved Oncologist is the reason I am even here right now, and I had been spiraling out of control when he left the hospital I was being treated at. Those months were brutal, cold, and frightening, as the robot like Oncologists they hired in his place, were like soulless machines with no pity, compassion, or love in their hearts. I finally found him and his new private practice, and his genuine compassion and care is what brought me hope once again. The change in me was dramatic. I know he meant well when he hired what seemed like one of the sweetest nurses in the world. She is the one who always ran up to give me a hug and wanted to talk to me for hours if she could.
The last time I had my port flushed, she told John and I that she has these visions that torment her, which she truly hates. That she always sees her patients deaths right before they happen, and that she is always right. They always happen, and it hurts her deeply. She began to describe certain cases, and a few were patients that she had always told us about, who she misses so much. A week later, (a few weeks back) she sent me an email that crushed me into a million pieces and left me in tears, and shook John and I to our very foundation. I have never seen him cry like this, so he called in to work, as there was no way he could piece himself together in time to get to work (he was on his way out when he read the email after seeing that I was sobbing and an emotional wreck).
Suddenly he was on the phone to his job, and I felt even worse. I am going to put out a copy of what was left for me right after her telling us what she told us that day, so that you can begin to understand why we are scrambling to keep ourselves together here at the moment. Not only did she break every code of ethics imaginable, but she told me that she saw my death (and had made a big point of telling us that she always sees these deaths shortly before the patient dies, and that it's usually a few weeks, but sometimes a few months before they get word that the person has died). Unbelievably sick and cruel.....
She sends me the following email, and if that was not bad enough, begins to backtrack in a way that you would have to see to believe. She began to try gaslighting us both, and yet we have the email right in front of us, so I don't know what world she lives in, but it's not the real world. She compounded the horror by telling my Oncologist that she did not tell me that I was going to die and that I had misunderstood everything. He contacted me and told me how terrible he felt and how sorry he was that she had done this. Once he saw the contents of this email, he admitted that there was no mistaking what she had said here, and that he was even more horrified. That she was definitely being replaced (that was a given) and how sorry he was. I had begun to pray for hours and hours over the past few weeks, and felt that I was being healed, as this incident was being removed from my body and my memory banks. I was trying my best to get this thing untangled from my psyche. This sick bomb that she had set off. I was asked to please call their office last week by the manager of the office (his wife, who I had really come to adore) and my world was turned upside down). It was as if everything was new again, only deeper and worse than it had been the first time.
I was told that she was staying, and that if we felt awkward about her flushing my port or drawing my bloodwork, we could go somewhere else and have that done first, and then come to see him. I didn't even know what to say. I was so floored and caught off guard. I tried to remain as polite as I could and explained what a hardship that would be for us, as that would mean that John would need to either take two half days off of work instead of just the one, and that we would have two copays and more exposure to people being sick in a second facility, and what was she still doing there, as I was told that she was being replaced and that you folks were horrified by what this woman did! I was told that it is not easy finding chemo nurses, and I just sat there and felt sick to my stomach. I was polite, hung up, and cried my eyes out feeling as if I had been slammed by a truck. She obviously turned on the water works and begged to keep her job (and this is after lying and saying that we had misunderstood her email, and that she had not told me that I was dying)! She should have never contacted a patient like this period, let alone leaving such a sick and cruel email!
I have had so many doctors, nurses, and others from the medical community contact me to urge me to please report her immediately to the state board, but if I do so, it will inadvertently hurt my beloved Oncologist. The only doctor who even cares whether I live or die out here in this very rural area. It will come back on him, and I know it. It's killing us because it has now driven a wedge between a very precious relationship that was so vital to my health and well being and the fact that they are willing to dance with this liability in their office no matter what the reason, has us floored and heartsick. We now feel like the villains. We now feel like the troublemakers. We now feel like the bad guys here. I can't explain how sick this has us both. John called in sick again yesterday because he really was just sick. The two of us are a mess over here. This woman has cost us a great deal, and yet she trots off into the sunset keeping her job, and hurting God knows how many other lives. I know we can't be the only ones she has done this to, and I wonder how many other deaths she actually hastened after telling them about her visions. Some of the medical community has suggested to me that if she is capable of lying this badly and doing such a thing like this to a woman who is battling cancer, how do we know that she is not capable of doing things medically to make her visions correct, so that it looks like she has this great power. She is as convincing as they come! It's almost spooky how she tried to play with our minds over this email......
All I know is that we feel as if we have both lost our best friend. Our only advocate here in this area. This is a predicament that I could have never imagined. If I hurt her, I hurt him. The good that he has done for so many, and the many that depend on him, would be left to the cold, callous, inhumane Oncologists that we had to deal with in his absence all those months. I have been devastated by this. I was feeling so much better spiritually when he first called me and we discussed this. It was as if a great wound had been healed and I felt so much better. Than I talk to his wife, who I honestly adore, and she tells me that everything I was told is no longer true. The parting shot had me feeling an emptiness and pain that I can't adequately describe in words. He has always made me feel special. He has remarked so many times that I was a special case and that he truly believed that God intended for our paths to cross as were meant to do something together, as we had been doing with the Gleevec and it's potential with Angiosarcoma. The last thing she said to me was the final nail in this massive coffin that we find ourselves in somehow like some giant, endless, nightmare. I said that the Doctor was like family for me. That they were like family for me, and she said well, we love all our patients. I thought well, I guess I was put in my place, and hung up the phone in utter disbelief from it all. I kept asking God, have I had this all wrong all along? Am I truly just a another case number like everyone else. Everything was suddenly black as coal. I have been able to rise above more than you know, but this one has me in a place of no return. It's utter darkness and disbelief.
This is the innocent email that I received from my chemo nurse, who I will not name, she can no longer see my page, and no one is aware of where I live, where I am being treated or by who. The only thing I am revealing are the words that this woman used. The email that I should have never seen (that no patient should ever see). The innocent email that WE took the wrong way. She was only trying to tell me about the death of my cancer......
Hello my soul sister. Your soul has been contacting me for a week now. I cannot tell you how this has made me feel or how to tell you but I'm very overwhelmed. I've been overwhelmjngly indifferent forthe past few days. At first I wasn't sure if it was you, but I am sure of it. I'm not for sure it will be soon soon. But I know for certain you will leave this earth withOUT ANY pain and in happiness. I see you with a smile on your face. I debated telling you like this but I couldn't withhold from you, my very dear friend. I hope I haven't ruined your day. Much love always.
I could tell you the day but I will not. I do not know a time frame. If it means anything, I started seeing my grandmother in November... here we are February. I do not know if it will be soon.
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