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| Subject: Lost my only sibling | |
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Author: Gail [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:13:04 06/26/09 Fri I lost my sister, my only sibling 8 months ago. I am still so very numb. I feel so alone. There were 10 years between us but we were so very close. We did so much together. We traveled, went to movies, and just did so much together. It has left such an empty spot inside me. I was wondering if there is anyone else that has lost a sibling that was far apart in age but yet was so very close in heart. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost my only sibling | |
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Author: liz (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:54:18 06/30/09 Tue I lost my sister last monday in a sudden accident. We were 9 1/2 years apart. We went to a lot of places together. We talked on the phone everyday. I do have another sister,and 2 brothers, but my sister that passed away were the closest. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( My sister | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:11:05 05/10/07 Thu My only sister died from bulimia February 12, 2007. We did not know it until it was to late. I loved her so much. She had just turned 35 December 20th. She had two children. a son 15 and a daughter 12. They have also been having a hard time. She hid it so well. Divine Caroline.com just published her story last week. I seen errors on it and can not even get a hold of them to fix it. But if you would like to read about things that happened to her you can go there. I have not been dealing with her loss at all. My family does not know that I have not been dealing with it, because I don't want anyone to be upset more than they already are. We're also dealing with dad, he has lung cancer. So that is making even harder. The doctor said in December that it was incurable. We went Monday to get more scans to see what the cancer is doing. I'm afraid if he finds it has got worse, he may do something. It is like he does not want to go on since she is gone. He had mentioned something before,but I told him I needed him too. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: My sister | |
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Author: No name (Sorry) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:44:28 05/27/07 Sun I'm so sorry that you are going through so much right now. I think it seems like that sometimes, that everything happens at once. It must have been a shock when your sister died. But please hang in there--in time things will get better. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: My sister | |
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Author: Gail (Understand) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:01:40 06/26/09 Fri I totally understand where you are coming from about not letting your family know you are not dealing with the loss. I lost my only sister just 8 months ago and it has been so very hard for me. I have not let on to my family how hard it has been either. But you do need to deal with the loss. I suggest that if you have a friend or a cousin or anyone you can trust who may have already gone through this to talk to them. I have a cousin who lost a brother a few years ago and I have been talking to him. He has been a tremendous help. It is still very hard but I promise it will help. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Feel Frozen | |
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Author: Jade [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:21:03 04/25/09 Sat Only a few short months ago I laid to rest my only brother. He was handsome, successful, athletic and most importantly, kind. I haven't been able to wrap my mind around his sudden and unexpected passing. He was an avid runner, and only minutes following a jog just prior to heading into his office, his heart stopped... How? Why? I cannot move forward and the tears come at any given time... The profound sadness and overwhelming feeling of loss is simply too much...don't think I can do this. Jade [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Feel Frozen | |
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Author: Martha (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:34:16 06/05/09 Fri My brother died at the gym just after exercising--he had a heart attack. It took a long time but I am at a place now that allows me to enjoy the moment--stay in the moment, no matter what I am doing. You are just beginning this journey--it has sadness, but also beauty and hope. Stay in the moment. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: scapegoating | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:36:14 05/02/09 Sat My best friend passed away very suddenly a little over a year ago. Dealing with the unexpected passing of such an amazing person has been extremely difficult for all who were close to her, but I have been growing increasingly concerned for her family. I fear that her parents may be taking out their anger on their surviving child, who is also a dear friend of mind. I don't know what to do to help her. If anyone has had a similar experience or has advice about how to deal with it, I would very much appreciate you sharing them with me. Thank you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: scapegoating | |
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Author: No name (information) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:30:50 06/05/09 Fri According to Dr White's book, this is something that happens with children but I guess it happens with adults too. My sense is your friend's sibling needs your support. Here is a poem that sort of captures it: Now that I am gone, Remember me with smiles and laughter. And if you need to cry, Cry with your brother or sister Who walks in grief beside you. And when you need me, Put your arms around someone And give to them what you need to give to me. There are so many who need so much. I want to leave you something, Something much better than words or sounds. Look for me in the people I've known Or helped in some way. Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind. You can love me most By letting your love reach out to our loved ones, By embracing them and living in their love. Love does not die, people do. So, when all that's left of me is love, Give me away as best you can. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: loss of brother...heaven's special child | |
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Author: Dana (trying to cope/ feeling lost) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:47:59 05/09/09 Sat I deeply need to know someone can please relate to my feelings. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends but.... my story is this. I lost my precious brother in Feb this year. He had severe brain damage/ CP from birth. He passed away the day before is 36th birthday. He has never walked or talked. He could not sit up. He was in all of 65lbs and his life was so full difficulty and suffering... yet full of life ,smiles and eyes that would shine.he was such an amazing little boy ! We cared for him at home and he was truly a gift from heaven.( I'm 38) big sister ! I never felt jealous of him only guilty or sad for daily challenges in life. Does life get better? I'm having a hard time moving forward in life and i'm full of so many types of emotions. I'm empty without my precious brother to love and care for. Has anyone out there gone thru many years of caring for chronic illness of sibling and lost them... feeling like you died with them. By the way his life inspired me to become a Nurse ! He was my little hero and I miss him deeply. My thoughts go to all of you who are hurting for however you may have lost your sibling! I hear time will help us heal. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: loss of brother...heaven's special child | |
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Author: Mary R (sympathy) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:28:13 06/05/09 Fri Hello, I do feel I have some understanding of what you are feeling. My sister died at an early age with a chronic genetic condition. I still miss her so much. But like you I turned my career into a way I could use the experience to help others and I became a advocate for at-risk children. This gives my life meaning. And you are right-time is a healer if you use the time to grieve and make some kind of sense of the loss. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: lost | |
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Author: Rich (my life has changes forever) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:14:53 06/02/09 Tue Not sure how I found this message board and not one for venting out on the computer but I am at a point in my life where everything has changed. My brother took his own life three months ago and did it in such a way that haunts me. He hung himself in the bathroom of his apartment. When it happened I quicly went into a protection mode for my mother. I identified the body cleaned his apartment and made sure my mom would not witness anything that would cause her more pain. In doing so I never had time to process what happened or what I was feeling. Fast forward three months and I find myself lost and losing the ones I love, my family. My wife has said that I have been overprotective and over bearing and not trusting of her. To her defense I have and it took her to tell me that we need space to realize what I have done. I find myself alone lost and scared of losing her. She has been there for me this whole time and I have not been open with how I am feeling. I have projected all my feelings of losing him on to her and in doing so I have pushed her away. My hope that I can get her back. But as I have come to realize I need to let her be and not stifile her becuase of what happend with Chris. Does this make sense? If so how do get her back into my life? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: lost | |
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Author: Greg (hopeful at last) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:24:11 06/05/09 Fri Dear Rich, I am so sorry about your brother. My brother also killed himself because his wife had left him. I was so mad at him for years that if he had come back I almost could have killed him myself because of the pain it caused our family. He had financial problems and had tapped out so many people, they finally stopped loaning him money. He used our mom's retirement and she was left with almost nothing. And yes, afterwards, everything else seemed to fall apart too. One of my sisters ended up getting a divorce. Seems like you either grieve together or you get divorced. Years have passed now and it is all much better. I still miss him, but my anger has passed, and I am just thankful for each day that comes and for the little things that make life worth living. Hang in there. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Cannot find my "new" normal | |
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Author: No name (lost) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:36:54 02/03/09 Tue I am just looking for some advice about how to adjust to this life with my brother gone. We lost him almost five years ago and I still cannot find a "new" or "normal" direction in my life. Does anyone understand this feeling? Share thoughts with me- siblinggrief.com [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Cannot find my "new" normal | |
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Author: Kathy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:57:04 02/17/09 Tue Hi, My sister died six and a half years ago, and in some ways I am still trying adjust to life without her also. I was 21 years old and in college when she died, and I spent the first couple of years just trying to get through college and grad school and trying to keep my parents from falling completely apart. I hate it when people ask me how many siblings I have - she was my only sibling, but I still don't think of myself as an only child after having a sister for 21 years. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with this loss without letting it control my life. I don't want to forget her, but at the same time I want to be able to live my life to the fullest and be happy. I don't really have any advice for you right now, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Cannot find my "new" normal | |
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Author: jade [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:51:50 04/24/09 Fri Yes, completely understand, as I suddenly and unexpectedly laid to rest my only brother. He was young, successful, athletic and all those wonderful things. Only a few shorts months ago, and I cannot stop the tears...fear I will never be able to accept it or feel normal. I DO UNDERSTAND... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Loss of my sister | |
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Author: Suzanne (Sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 01:12:00 03/12/09 Thu Hi, I lost my sister 10th November 2008. She was 41 years old and left two young girls aged 5 and 7. She had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer three years ago and had many operations over the three years. The radiotherapy that they gave her was so strong that it ruined her tubes in her throat. She hadn't eaten or drank anything for the last 18months of her life. Her last operation was on the 4th November 08. She pulled through even though they found a blood clot in her lungs. (After she had died the consultant told us they had also found another cancerous lump in her throat but had decided not to tell my sister or any of the family so that she could recovery from her op. The op was to remove her voice box and this was meant to be the start of a new life for her. My other sister and I saw her on the Sunday and she looked well and had written to her daughters saying that they could come and visit her in a couple of days. The next morning I texted her like I always did and got no reply. 10mins later my other sister rang to say that she had hemerraged (spelt wrong)and had died. Four months on I miss her like mad, we spoke everyday and I miss that contact so much. I feel like I still have so much to say to her but that has been taken away now. Not sure how to move on. She was the middle sister and even though I still have one big sister who is great that gap is still there for both of us. Sometimes I feel that our family is pulling apart as we are all at different stages of our grief. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of my sister | |
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Author: Ruth (sympathy) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:15:44 04/17/09 Fri Dear Suzanne, I'm so sorry for your loss--you described it so well, I felt like I was experiencing it with you. There is something so poignant about a woman dying and leaving behind her children. I know that you will always love her and your nieces will find something of their mom in you. Please don't stop writing to her and talking to her even though she has passed on. Just put one foot in front of the other and take it day by day. She was blessed to have a sister like you. Ruth [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of my sister | |
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Author: Pam (Your sister) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:42:13 04/19/09 Sun Hi. The date of your sisters death jumped out at me. 11/10/08 was my little sisters last birthday.It still seems surreal to say. My sister dies on March 11, 2009 of an overdose of Methadone. I get up every day and read story after story of how this person lost someone and that person lost someone, It's like being a member of a club that you never wanted to join but can't leave. I pray for you and yours - please pray for me and mine. This is a pain that just doesn't stop. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( My brother | |
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Author: Trey (dazed) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 01:15:37 02/10/09 Tue I feel so crushed, and full of sorrow... On Jan 21st my big brother shot himself in the right temple... the Doctors at the hospital said that he didn't die immediately, so he had time to suffer... What in God's name am I supposed to do? My family has taken such a beating over the last couple of years... my mom and dad were both diagnosed with 2 different types of cancer (lungs for dad, and pancreas for mom). My best friend died almost 2 years ago 2 weeks before my wedding... Now I have a daughter that i have to stay strong for, so i can't just lose my mind for a while... I'm stuck, and afraid... what do I do? What can i possibly do? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: ☮ Re: My brother | |
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Author: Kati [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:41:05 02/12/09 Thu It sounds so trite to say, hang in there. I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry. My brother shot himself 20 years ago, and I remember asking the same questions, again and again, tho' hardly ever had the courage to ask out loud. Find a safe place, even if only for a few moments, to express. write. talk. cry. scream. and repeat... For me, it was a whole new chapter. Who I was "before" was now gone, and it took me a long time to accept that. But there are still parts of you that are the same, and the strongest parts of WHO you are is what you hold on to. It's ok for kids to see emotion, tho' being sensitive to what your daughter can handle shows how strong you already are. Keep that up. I'm finding ways to talk about my brother with my two - 4yrs and 2yrs - not forced, but as they see a picture, hear his name. It's hard, very hard, but it IS manageable. get therapy. And if you don't like one therapist, or group, find another. They will listen. Acknowledge every feeling you have. Today, I am sad because my son will never know his uncle. This minute, I feel _____, and it is affecting ________ about my day. My own feelings have run the gamut... even now, twenty yrs later, I'm dealing with regret at not having 'dealt' with some issues I could have earlier. Hang in there. It's not going to be easy, but you will get through this. Peace. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Multiple system atrophy | |
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Author: Kathy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:57:41 07/13/08 Sun My sister died aged 54 on May 4th 2008. Her condition was multiple system atrophy and she was in hospital for 3 months before she died. She simply shut down slowly and we were not aware of her exact condition until 4 days before she died. Our relationship was unusual in that she was my only sister and was 10 years younger than I am. So we didn't share a childhood together, but when I was small she was a mother figure to me and I suffered huge separation anxiety when she went away to uni and then moved to the States. She did come back to the UK but then we always seemed to be at different stages in our lives at different times. I can't believe she is dead. I saw her body but my constant question is "where are you"? I feel angry towards her sons because thay don't appear to be grieving at all. At the moment I cry most days because of some trigger that sets me off. I have just read "sibling grief" -the book- and am taking the opportunity to post. Thanks for reading. Kathy. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Multiple system atrophy | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:00:18 07/13/08 Sun OOPs Kathy again. Made a mistake...my sister Cecilia was 10 years older than me (not younger)!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Multiple system atrophy | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:41:54 07/21/08 Mon Dear Kathy, Thanks for posting about your sister. May 4th is not long ago, so your grief is still fresh. It will take time. I understand what you mean about her sons not grieving, but there is no doubt that males and females have their own unique ways to grieve. Those who are not psychologically or emotionally strong enough to grieve will have to deal with it later in life. I think this must be harder for you because you never got your relationship with her in the place you wanted it to be and now it seems like it is too late. I once heard someone say that death ends a life, but not a relationship, and I believe that to be true. Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Multiple system atrophy | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:54:49 09/09/08 Tue Hi Kathy I think before you loose someone, if there are gaps in your relationship you still think that time will eventually sort it out, especially if you are living abroad. Work commitments and children tend to limit visiting possiblities. Unfortunately a sudden bereavement knocks those assumptions on the head and its an extra load to deal with ... on top of the loss of a dear one. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Multiple system atrophy | |
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Author: Donna Edwards (empathy) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:35:28 11/22/08 Sat Hello Kathy, When reading your message, I was immediately understanding of your loss. My only sibling, an older brother, passed away Sept. 11, 2008. He had leukemia and was in the hospital for a stem cell transplant that ultimately failed. The leukemia transformed in to an aggressive form of Lymphoma. I was a caretaker for three months and saw my dearest brother deteriorate although was told that he would still pull through. That was one week prior to his passing. I cannot accept losing him as Steve was my hero and the one who loved me the most in this world. My heart goes out to you. With sincere condolescence, donna [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: missing my sister | |
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Author: gio [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:05:01 10/26/08 Sun I had finished reading your book. There was so many things that you wrote about that made sense. The life space was what really made an impact on me. I lost my older sister 6 years ago. she died at the afe of 43 from a brain aneursym.. no one knew she had that.. so much happened---her son found her and because he didn't know what happened to her, he thought she was murdered. the police actually took him into custody and interrogated him--it wasn't until the autopsy that we all knew what happened. My sister and I are very close-- only 18 months apart.. we are like night and day but complimented each other, supported each other, loved each other.not by words but my actions. we always have been close, talked many times throughout the day & evening.. our calls never started with hello or byes--it was , watcha doing? and call me later -- i miss her so very very much and after readiing some other posts here, i understand that will never go away.. i try really hard not to be depressed and like others have written, do a good job about keeping it together for everyone.. I planned her funeral, dressed her, did her hair and make up and still don't know how i did that.. i felt her there helping me--telling me. don't mess up my fingernails cause you know how messy you are! Life was so fun with her here-- she was my venting partner, my best friend... i don't know why she didn't show any signs of that aneurysm.. no headaches, nothing-- i am afraid that my life will never get better... that without her i am just a shell of who i once was.. i am scared that i am pushing away my spouse and that my children wonder when i will ever be what i used to be.. i do not see my brothers... that makes me miss her more -- sometimes i feel like this a dream and i will wake up and call her and say, gee you won't beleive the horrible nightmare i had... i feel awful that i am not there for her sons, like i should be.. when i read other people's post here, i am not sure if it makes me feel better or not.. i do not want to be on medication but feel that i am depressed... i keep wanting her here... to grow old with-make fun of our wrinkles, take about when menopause will hit, make fun of our brothers, i miss her laughter-- i miss how nothing seemed impossible as long as we were here--i have friends but not like her.... in fact i think my friends distance themselves becuase i am not the same person they use to depend on... and i don't care... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: missing my sister | |
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Author: Mary (enocouragement) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:17:03 10/30/08 Thu Hello, What you wrote was such a lovely piece about your relationship--there is nothing quite like having a sister who you trust. I wanted to share with you what someone told me that has helped--death ends a life, but not a relationship. You knew her so well and were so close that you carry her with you. You know how she would have responded in any situation. Don't stop relating to her now--she is still a part of you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: missing my sister | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:00:04 10/31/08 Fri Hi thanks for your encouraging words. i do feel her with me--part of me now...it's just that it's a different life--almost like losing one of my five senses but gettiing another one to compensate.. for example i was having a really bad day yesterday--being really argumentative with my spouse-- i was angry and not sure why...not that isn't true i was angry because i still have her items in boxes and i was trying to figure out what i was going to do with them-- part of me thought--is it time to sort and get rid of her things? she is such a pack rat-- i would tell her this all the time--so i managed to toss somethings and keep others-- i still have one box to do.. then i was throwing away old xmas boxes (after arguing with my spouse about HIS clutter) and then a box that she have given me for a xmas present fell out of the other boxes.. the tag had her handwriting (very neat)To giovanni from rosanne felt like she was telling me, "cut him some slack, don't be so hard on him" she always knew how to settle me down.. and i cried some more over this box..and thanking God for this sign.. the box is still there... not sure when i will throw it away.... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: missing my sister | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 00:58:42 11/01/08 Sat Isn't it amazing how evocative handwriting is? I saw my mom's handwriting ten years after she died, and just burst into tears! Seems like your task of sorting out her things is helping you sort out your feelings too. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Lost my little sister | |
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Author: Brianne [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:57:28 09/25/08 Thu I stumbled upon this site while researching a book that I plan to write before I begin college next fall. It would seem wrong to visit and read other posts but not leave something of my own. So, I'm Brianne, I'm 17 and I lost my little sister in 2001 to an accident. I've spent all of these years feeling a multitude of random feelings, but never once did I feel acceptance. I think I've always been stuck in denial/anger, although I haven't really ever denied it too much. I'm more angry than anything because she was really little and we were always acting like twins, so my mom compensated for that by dressing us alike quite often. My family is pretty religious, but I began resenting that, blaming their god for taking her away from me. And now I just don't believe anymore, but I try so hard not to show it because it would make my mom sad. My schoolwork has been affected for all of these years. I've spent so much time inside my own head that I forget to look out and see the world. I regret a lot of that. Also, I've noticed that I'm less willing to talk about her now. Over the past few months (I'd say about ten months-ish), I cringe if I hear her name (which doesn't happen a lot because no one talks about it) and if someone doesn't know the story, I'm less willing to tell it. In fact, I don't. I let my friends tell. I'm so used to grief now that I don't think letting go of it would be easy. Well, thanks for letting me rant a little. Brianne [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost my little sister | |
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Author: Sarah [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:00:17 09/29/08 Mon Dear Brianne, I am so sorry about your little sister--I know you must miss her terribly. It helped me to read Dr white's book--Sibling Grief: Healing after the death of a sister or brother. I found out how hard it had been for me to have no one acknowledge that I was also affected by the death of my younger sister. No one wanted to talk about it so I didn't know that. I'm glad you visited here--it's a good first step. But don't be afraid to go to the doctor if you need too. You've been sad and inward for a long time. Sarah [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Left Behind | |
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Author: Katie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:43:57 02/20/08 Wed I lost my only sibling this past April. His name was Jason and he was two years older than me. At age 25 he chose to end his own life with a gun in my the backyard where we grew up. We were very close as children, and had become recently closer. I struggle everyday because I feel like my intuition was telling me that something was wrong, and I ignored it. He wanted me to go out with him and his friends the day before he did this and I was too busy with my own friends. I wasn't able to say goodbye. I hate being the only child now. My parents are a mess and I secretly am. I teach 4th grade and I am forced to fake happy all day. When I get home I often stay inside and keep to myself. I have haunting nightmares and I relive the day everything happened over and over again. I am longing to find somebody who has dealt with a similar sibling loss to see if what I am feeling is normal. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Left Behind | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:10:38 02/24/08 Sun Dear Katie, Your brother's death is similar to mine, except that my brother killed himself with carbon monoxide. It was ten years ago but I still think about him every day. You are still in the early days of loss. Faking happy might be the best thing for you right now, as long as you don't have to be phony ALL the time. What helped me was going to a Compassionate Friends group and expressing my feelings in a group. It really helped --I felt supported in a way that I had not experienced before and my healing began that day. I saw that people can go on and live their lives, but by helping others to get through their immediate grief, they were helped too. I hope you are able to find a group. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, and do what it takes to get through each hour and day until the pain is less and the happiness is real. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Left Behind | |
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Author: Janette [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:42:13 03/17/08 Mon Katie--I am responding to let you know that yes, what you feel is normal. My words may not bring you comfort but at least you know you are not alone. I stumbled upon your post because I was looking for a memorial poem for my brother, Robbie, who committed suicide on April 6, 1998. He was 28 years old and like your brother, shot himself in the garage of my dad and stepmom's house. It has been ten years, TEN YEARS, and although I have learned to carry on it only takes one thought, reminder, song, face, word, ANYTHING to take me back to that time. The grief will subside but will never leave completely. The guilt will subside but will never leave completely. It is a very strange feeling because it never goes away. For me, it lingers in the deepest pits of my soul and does not show itself on the outside but remains there on the inside. I could go on and on but I am speaking from a different place than where you are now because your brother's death is still very fresh. All I can say is whatever you are feeling no matter when and where, find a way to express it. If you feel like it is an inappropriate time or place, excuse yourself to the bathroom or somewhere and try to release it. I hope you have a good support system you didn't mention your parents. I was 23 years old at the time and had an almost two year old child (he's 11 now) and had it not been for the support of my friends and family, things probably would have turned out very differently for me. I hope and pray you have someone you can talk to, I am including my e-mail address if you want to know more, I am no expert by any means, just someone who was "left behind" also. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: :~( Re: Left Behind | |
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Author: Lost [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:58:07 04/13/08 Sun Hi, I lost my only sister almost 2 years ago from congestive heart failure. I found her. She died in her sleep. I cannot even describe the pain that I have been through. I can't stand to really be around people anymore. I have to put on a game face at work, and by the days end, I'm exhausted. My husband completely ignores me going through my grief. He claims he don't know what to say. I have been mad at him for 2 years cause he just hasn't been there for me emotionally, then wants me to have sex with him. Anyone else's husband reacts the same way? I don't have what you would call friends, only associates. So, I'm alone a lot, and I have flashbacks from finding her all the time. I have been to a therapist, that didn't help me. I have been to grief counseling at church. That didnt help. I have tried reading bible scriptures. I never feel at peace. I'm always wound up, because I'm angry that I have to go through this alone. My mom is in another state. She and I talk everyday, and some days I don't even want to talk to her or anyone. My sis and I were very close. I cry almost everyday. And I constantly dream about her. Some days I don't want to go on. I am hurting so bad, and I'm so alone......I found this board just surfing. I send out condolences to everyone on here that has lost someone. The doctor tried putting me on anti depressants, and that didnt work either. I have no kids. I seriously need help... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Left Behind | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:03:15 09/09/08 Tue I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and his family were a total hindrance, I grieved alone and made it through anyway. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Left Behind | |
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Author: andrea [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:47:21 09/11/08 Thu hi, i have the exact situation you are in. my husband and i are total strangers now and it has been 7 months since i lost my sister. he doesn't know what to say or how to act. i cry constantly for my sister. she was my best friend. i am so alone, its painful. i am on anti-anxiety pills, which help somewhat. andrea [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Left Behind | |
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Author: roberta [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:47:38 09/09/08 Tue Katie, I kind of know what you are going through. I came home from college for Labor Day weekend in 1981 from my first weekend at college. My boyfriend was coming over so my brother went out. He never came home. He did not commit suicide, however, something happened and he blacked out at the wheel and was killed in a car accident. I blamed myself for a long time, thinking that if I only had stayed home by myself, he would have stayed home and would be alive now. But, that isn't the case. Things happen for a reason and will happen one way or another. I am sorry that you did not get to say bye to your brother. I did not either. But, I say hello to him every day. Every day I talk to him and we just had his 27th anniversary of his death. I still miss him, but he is with me everyday, just as is your brother. He is now your guardian angel. He is there to help you and will help you. Look to him for guidance and strength. He would not want you living your life in turmoil. He would want you to live on the best way that you can. I have turned my loss of my only brother and the best friend anyone could ever have, and am now writing a book on coping with the loss of a sibling. Letting people now that you can turn a tragedy into something positive. It doesn't seem like you can move on now...but time will help. your brother will help. Let him. Good luck to you and my prayers are with you and your family to see that you can move on and live your life the way your brother would have wanted you to. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: helping others | |
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Author: Roberta [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:58:17 09/09/08 Tue I am a survivor of a loss of a sibling in 1981, when there was no internet and absolutely no help for siblings. The way I learned to cope about it was to talk about my brother and to talk to my brother. After all these years, I decided that I needed to do something to help others with the same situation. I am writing a book on coping with the loss of a sibling. But a different type of book. I want the stories of others who have gone through the loss of a sibling and how they have learned to cope and stories on how people turned their tragedy into a positive. Some people have started organizations to help others, etc. Please e-mail me or send me your story to my e-mail and I will get in touch with you. Please find it in your heart to help others. I feel that if people read how people have gotten through their tragedies it will help them deal with theirs and be able to move on. God Bless and I wish you the best! Roberta [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Research | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:23:30 08/22/08 Fri Doctoral student is looking for surviving siblings who, between the ages of 18 and 30, experienced the sudden loss of a sibling, for a phenomenological study on the impact of sibling loss in early adulthood on identity. All communications are strictly confidential. For more information, please contact Barbara Nanna, M.A. at (949) 690 3434 or barbara_nanna@yahoo.com [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Research | |
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Author: corbin [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:54:19 08/23/08 Sat On June, 19th 2008, my 27 year old older brother, just basicly dropped dead. He was outside of his work and he was on his cell phone and died of a heart attack.5 minutes after he died i had to call my mother and tell her , that her baby was gone. I then had to call my dad and tell him his first born was gone. Right now im dealing with the fact that my parents maybe wish it was me that died and not my brother.And the fact that they dont think anyone loss anyone but them. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Research | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:48:37 09/09/08 Tue I am so sorry for your loss. Having gone through the experience of loosing my brother ( age 34 and he was 32) you are incredibly raw and ambivalent especially in the first few months. HANG IN THERE [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Research | |
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Author: Roberta [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:51:47 09/09/08 Tue Good luck to you in your research. I am a survivor of a loss of a sibling and am looking for people who have learned to cope and have done something positive with the trauma that they have lived through and how they have learned to cope. I am writing a book with a compilation of stories to help others see that others have gone through the same thing and have gotten through it and have turned a negative to a positive. Please send your stories or email me at roberta_costantino@yahoo.com. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Psychotherapy really helps | |
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Author: Gail [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:41:46 08/31/08 Sun I am now 51 and lost my brother 14 years ago. He was 38 when he died and I was 37. We were very, very close and It has been the most difficult thing in my life...more difficult even than my fathers death last year. After 14 years, I continue to miss my brother with all my heart. We were connected in our hearts and I feel like I have lost a big part of me since his death. I still find myself falling into that deep, deep pit of grief and it takes me many days to climb out. With that experience in mind, I wanted to respond to the messages from people who said psychotherapy has not helped them. I have been in and out of therapy over the years because I grew up in a domestic war zone and some of my therapy has helped me to deal with the abuse I experienced in my childhood. It wasn't until I found a psychologist who works with people about grief and trauma that I am beginning to feel some peace from constant nightmares regarding my brothers death and hope for my life now. Please don't give up on psychotherapy just because you haven't found the right therapist. If one doesn't help, find another. It is so worth the cost of 120.00 weekly to finally experience some real peace about his death. The right psychotherapist...can truly make a difference. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:28:51 09/11/05 Sun I have been reading this message board and have been trying to figure out how to condense my story. I am the youngest of 8 kids and when I was 10, my 18 year old sister died of cancer 2 weeks before her High School graduation. My last living image of her was when my parents were taking her to the hospital for the last time and she was gasping for breath in the back seat of their car. The day she died, I was supposed to go see her so I never technically got to say goodbye. After her death, everyone simply went their own way in an effort ot cope and, I believe, survive. I became the "oldest" in the sense that I became hypersensitive about making sure everyone was OK. I never talked to anyone about her death and when my anxiety escalated as I was about to graduate from HS (on the anniversary of her death, no less) my parents took me to a psychologist who said I was the "all american girl". I guess in the back of my mind I figured anxiety was going to be a way of life for me. About 5 years ago, my anxiety raged out of control and I began to see a wonderful therapist but the piece I was missing was talking to someone else who has been through the same thing as I had been through. I began my search a few months ago and found this website. For the most part, my anxiety is under control but every once in a while, it spikes. So, is there anyone out there who as not only experienced the death of a sib in childhood but has battled anxiety, and if so, is there hope to ever resolve this childhood trauma? I'm in my late 30's now and it continues to play itself out in the form of being fearful of the day my parents die.I just love them so much and am in such awe of how they survived watching their child die over a period of a year. Suggestions anyone? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:08:32 09/12/05 Mon Hi Mary, Glad that you found us, as many of us have experienced the loss of a sibling during childhood. I've lost a sister when I was a 11 and a brother later in life. Like you, I am hypersensitive to all that are around me and spend much of my time making sure that everyone is alright. Through childhood, I did not talk about my sister's death. Somehow it distinguished me from other children and I did not want to stand out in anyway. Now, most people are uncomfortable around me, because talking about death is a natural conversation for me. I do experience anxiety at times, but mostly around the anniversary death dates of my siblings. I do obssess at times about my parents death, oh heck my brother's and my partner's death as well. My worry is not as frequent as it used to be. After my 2nd sibling died, I developed sort of a "come what may" attitude. Mary, you sound like most of us, I have days that really get me down and then sometimes sail right through a particular rough period of time without a hitch. Losing a sibling in childhood impacts your for the rest of your life. It is almost like you have to grow accustomed to living without them during each new phase of your life. I don't think we totally every get over it, but I'm better able to cope with my emotions most days. I attribute my good days mostly to the fact that I communicating with other siblings on this site. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:19:46 09/13/05 Tue Hi Mary, Have you found that anything in particular helps ease your anxiety or do you think it's simply time that allows the pain to surface and be somewhat resolved? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:18:17 09/14/05 Wed Mary, Wow, your question really makes me have to think for awhile. Most of the time, I feel that when my anxiety is heightened, it is best to face my feelings. When I try to bury them, they just resurface later and at either inappropriate times or even more intense then before. The difference between losing my first sibling and second sibling, is that I did not have the emotional maturity to deal with the first one. When my brother died, I allowed myself to grieve and cried for almost 6 months (except for when I was working). Through facing his death, it helped me to face hers. His death after losing my sister also helped me to understand a very simple principle about death. We lose the people we love or they lose us. Sounds simple, but treating people differently because you might lose them is not a bad idea. But allowing their feelings or lives to be more important than yours can cause problems. I have tried to learn to face my own emotions and balance my relationship with my family. I am more likely to state my needs and talk about my emotions as well as still listen to theirs. None of this has occured overnight, my brother died a week before Christmas 1998 and my sister died in 1968. My family dynamics changed drastically both times and neither time was I prepared for the changes. But as my siblings' deaths changed me, it also changed everyone else as well. Hope this helps a little, there is no right way for anyone to face the loss of a loved one or the resulting anxiety it can cause. But now when I get overly anxious, it helps to stop myself and try to face the emotion. take care and let me know how you are doing... Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:26:44 09/23/05 Fri Hi Mary, Thanks for your reply. I've been working hard over the past few years to "process" my grief, and have missed an important step. By simply trying to "deal" with and "address" this loss, I kept it at an intellectual level and forgot to tell myself that it was "OK" to feel the pain associated with it. As odd as that sounds, I've been really hard on myself and have engaged in a lot of negative self- talk (e.Why can't I get over this? Why can't I deal with this?). I believe this has been a unconscious form of resisting the goal I was trying to achieve.(Perhaps survivor guilt...anxiety keeps me connected to the pain of losing her). I know I have more work to do and that only I can do it. However, I can't underestimate the power of connecting with people who have had the experience of losing a sibling. It will continue to be an important part of the healing process. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> [> [> Subject: :-D Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: emma (thinking) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:09:08 02/09/07 Fri I lost my beautiful brother 2 years ago in a car accident. he was only 17 and being 13 years older than him i was some what of a second mum to him. His death distroyed my family, but at the same time it brought us closer. My family has also had to go throgh a court trial over his death meaning that we've had to replay what our emotions were over and over again. my mother has gone to so many psychics trying to reach my brother. Sadly i do think that its the only connection that she has got with her son. But some think good allways comes out of some thing bad i have learnt so much a a person and i'm training to be a nurse, i want to help save a life of some one in the same situation as my brother because then he would not of died in vain and i would think that it would of all been worth the pain. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: Sandra [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:48:45 04/24/08 Thu Dear Mary, Yes, I have experienced the same as you. I was 10 when my baby brother died (he was 18 months old). I am now 60 and have suffered from anxiety all my life. In fact, I am going through some bad anxiety now for which I am seeing a counsellor. I think what I have learned is that due to the fact that our family circumstances were that the death was not talked about, then I didn't fully grieve. Also, what you say is right, we are more sensitive to things that are going on around us. I especially worry about those close to me, but there are some marvellous articles on this site which are helping me at present going through counselling. If you ever want to chat things over, please get in touch. You are not alone. Love Sandra [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood | |
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Author: Sarah [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:10:23 07/08/08 Tue Wow, reading this thread has been an eye-opener. I'm now 52. I lost two sisters in childhood: one was in infant, when I was five. The other died during birth (that was supposed to be normal) two years later. After the first death, I had some kind of huge anxiety attack that went on for months -- starting maybe six weeks later? I remember I had no name for what I was feeling, and it wasn't until I was grown that I realized it was anxiety. My parents did try to help; they took me to a child psychologist at the suggestion of our family doctor, and all I remember about that is being annoyed at missing Saturday cartoons! I remember not wanting to eat but being freaky if my mother threw my food away (I once hid a dried-out hamburger in foil under my bed for weeks.) I remember going ballistic when my mother attempted to leave me at school; I couldn't let her out of my sight for weeks. As an adult, the anxiety resurfaced. It's pretty much been my constant companion for 20 years now. GAD every day, with periodic panic attacks, and now I'm developing agorophobia. Lately it's flared up more, as my youngest sister just lost her month-old infant. I suppose it's a bit of a flashback for me. I've been to shrinks and LCSWs and doctors. I've done therapy (slightly comforting to useless) and medications. At this point in my life, I know that anxiety won't kill me; I just pop half a Xanax when I feel an attack coming or have stiff drink. I won't take Prozac or the like any more (one doctor had me up to 80 mg a day, and anxiety still "broke through"); I'll just deal with it my own way. I never really thought about sibling deaths having "wired" me this way, but reading what others have said here is making me think about that. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Adults who lost siblings in childhood | |
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Author: Claire [Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:32:18 04/25/08 Fri For a book about sibling loss, I'd like to speak to men and women whose brother or sister died in childhood. INterviewees may be kept anonymous or identified. Your decision. Thanks so much for your attention. I can be reached at cgberman@nyc.rr.com. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: No sympathy for dying sib | |
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Author: Windsor [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:14:56 04/07/08 Mon I received a phone call yesterday from my oldest brother telling me that my older sister (50) was dying from cervical cancer. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since 1999, after she was caught stealing from home during a celebration of the anniversary of my father’s death. For our entire lives we have been at odds and although I should love her, and perhaps I do, but I don’t like or respect her one bit. This is a small forum and I could write a novel. I'm not a victim, however, and I just leave her alone. We live in the same city and we have our own lives. My dilemma is this: She was admitted to hospital yesterday and is in critical condition. I know if I went to visit her she would know she was dying and quite frankly, there isn’t a whole lot of love there between us. Her children probably resent me because I’ve never defended myself to them. It’s their mother/grandmother after all and the problems between us is just that. I refuse to bad-mouth her to them. I don’t want to appear heartless and cold but quite frankly I don’t want to see her. The funeral will be torture for me because she was my mother’s favourite and she always let me know that. The family is completely fragmented and that’s fine with me. I have nothing to do with any of them except my brother. He’s a decent, normal guy. Can you tell me why I don’t feel sad at her impending death? She was treated for pre-cervical cancer 25 years ago and if she took care of herself and didn’t drink a bottle of vodka everyday maybe she wouldn’t be dying. I’m angry with her for doing this to her kids, more than anything. Does anyone have any advice? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: No sympathy for dying sib | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:12:06 04/07/08 Mon Dear Windsor, The only advice I have for you is that it will soon be too late to make a decision. You will have the rest of your life to regret it if you decide not to see her. Remember the words of the dead firefighter in the movie Always, "The only pain we carry with us is the love we refuse to give." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: My Brother Daniel | |
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Author: Adrienne (Very Sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:33:51 03/12/08 Wed On Feb 26th 2008. I lost one of my 5 brothers. My mother found him Hanging in the garage, he had committed suicide and its very hard to take this all in, especially, for my 2 sisters 10 and 13, also brothers of 2, 15, 19, 23. We lost our father 10yrs ago november this year, If anyone knows some helpful books for my sisters and brothers, just to help cope with everything this will be one year that will be hard on us.. Its just hard to believe a young man of 17 in 12 day he would have been 18, doing well in everything would do this after a month before a good friend of his also did the same thing.. just could use some help in confort for my mother, stepfather and siblings. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: New Book | |
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Author: Dr. White [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:02:48 03/10/08 Mon It is rare that I read a book and rush to write about it here, but today I read a book that touched my heart so completely, I couldn't wait to share it with site visitors. The book is The Loving Tree by Patricia Moran Kennedy. It's about the transformation the author experienced after the death of her sister. Using the symbols of trees and flowers, she shows us what we already knew deep inside. It is a small book, simple and yet profound, but most of all, it will go straight to your heart. Thank you, Patricia, for this wonderful gift. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: My Sister Dee | |
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Author: Jody (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:33:02 02/27/08 Wed I lost my sister Dee to cancer (rhabdomyosarcoma) in 1983. I was seven she was eleven. I am still grieving her death deeply twenty-five years later. I just read "Sibling Grief" and I am profoundly moved by the empowering information! I really thought that I was alone in my grief and now I feel that my feelings have been validated. Thank You. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: My Sister Dee | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:44:03 02/28/08 Thu Dear Jody, Thank you for writing -- I am so glad you found my book helpful. I too appreciate your writing here because it lets me know that I am not the only one who has heard of this terrible form of cancer. I hope you will visit often. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: My Sister Dee | |
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Author: Jody [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:34:32 03/01/08 Sat Pleasant, Thank you for your response. I was quite shocked when I read the introduction portion of your book and realized that your sister too, had rhabdo. It truly is a horrible childhood disease, but treatment has improved over the years. My sister lived for five years (after diagnosis) and I believe that many more children are surviving longer. I truly found so many pieces of your book applicable to my own experience and appreciate it greatly. I must say I had a true "light bulb" moment when reading about anniversary reactions and experiences. The timing of my own what I considered "seasonal" mild depression has always corresponded with the death of my beloved sister. I have always missed this! Even throughout my own training ( I have a masters degree in counseling)! I have ordered copies of your book for both my remaining siblings and hope that it can assist them in their process as well. WIth Thanks, Jody [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: My big brother | |
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Author:  Joygasm[Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:21:22 02/08/08 Fri My name is Joy. I am 25 years old and just lost my one and only sibling. My big brother, Jeremy, passed away in his sleep Dec. 20th 2007. I am still so in shock over it. It doesn't seem right. He was only 27 years old. His was amazing. He was my best friend most of my life. We come from a military family, so with all our moving, we had to start over as each others only friend so many times. I looked up to my big brother so much. He always wanted to protect me. He was an amazing artist and musician and his first born is due in a month. He will have a son named Kemper Djembe. I talked to him the night before he passed away. He told me his son's middle name. They had not told anyone yet, and I was told to keep it a secret until they told. I am so lost without my brother. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: My big brother | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:09:59 02/14/08 Thu Hello Joy, I am so sorry about your brother Jeremy. I know what you mean about being so much closer because of being in the military--that's how we were too. It sounds so hard to understand that he died in his sleep--I hope you have found out why. Any time you want to write more, I am here. Peg [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: 37 years ... | |
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Author: Nina [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:04:36 12/11/07 Tue I can't believe I found this place. My 12 year old sister drowned in 1970. My 18 month old sister died of viral dehydration in 1962. I have one sister and three brothers will living and we love each other very much; we are very close. Just this morning I read about what can happen to a teenager who loses a sibling (I was 17 at the time). 37 years of wondering why I can't remember events from the immediately following years!! It was agony played out just about until I finally DID make a commitment to a relationship, got married and had kids. I was nearly 40, it took me that long. I'm so fortunate to have living siblings. I often wonder what my life would be like had my sisters not died. But I have my beautiful daughters who would not have been born had my siblings not died. That's how I choose to look at it. Thanks. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: 37 years ... | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:14:13 12/14/07 Fri Dear Nina, Thank you for visiting. You and your sister were at similar ages to me and my sister--she died of cancer at age 13 when I was 15. I'm so glad you made the decision to love again after two such traumatic losses. I do believe that to the degree we have suffered pain, we have the capacity to experience joy. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: my sister | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:40:52 05/27/07 Sun April 2, 2006 my biological sister died in a car accident. she was 18 and I was 20. We are very close and sometimes we thought we were twins...now that shes gone ( im 21 now and she'd be 19) i feel lost. I feel like i dont know who I am and I have no idea where im going in life. i also feel like there is no one within my community who has gone through the same thing...maybe they have but i still feel like the sister-sister bond thing is very rare...especially with siblings as close in age as me and my sister. i am seeing a therapist which happens to be my sisters old therapist...but I still feel like a part of myself has been ripped out of my soul. Can anyone relate? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: my sister | |
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Author: Wendy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:32:03 05/30/07 Wed You are not alone. I have lost both my older sisters to cancer. Bonnie died at 34 seven years ago and she was two years older than I was. She was my best friend. The pain seems to lessen but you will always grieve. You need to use what your sister's life and death has taught you (life is short, be happy with what you have done so far and choose your future wisely, death happens and it sucks) and grow from it. it is the hardest thing to do but make something good come of what really is crappy. I found a grief therapist about two years after bonnie died- the best thing ever. She too had lost a sibling to cancer. My oldest sister had just been diagnosed with cancer as well at this time. Going to your sisters old therapist is helping you keep a connection- but maybe one that deals with grief might be better for you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: my sister | |
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Author: No name (I FEEL YOUR PAIN) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:55:11 11/14/07 Wed THERE ARE NO WORDS ADEQUATE TO DESCRIBE THE GRIEF, LOSS, AND PAIN. I LOST MY ONLY SIBLING (MY ONLY BLOOD RELATIVE) LAST YEAR IN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. MY BELOVED BROTHER FELL ONTO A ROWING MACHINE (exercise equipment)IN HIS HOME AND DIED. I DIED THAT DAY ALSO. I TOO FEEL WE WERE MORE LIKE TWINS AS WE WERE TWO YEARS APART. HE WAS A ANGEL ON EARTH. I MISS HIM MORE EACH DAY AND WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE. I DO KNOW THAT HE LOVED ME SO MUCH AND WOULD NOT WANT ME TO GRIEVE EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE....BUT, MY HEART IS BROKEN. PLEASE TRY TO KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES MEMORY ALIVE BY BEING KIND TO EACH AND EVERYONE YOU MEET. SPEAK OF YOUR LOVED ONE OFTEN......AND KNOW THAT ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN ..... THEY ARE WAITING FOR US. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: my sister | |
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Author: Mary (First Member (smile)) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:04:25 12/12/07 Wed Hello, It has been over a year since posting due to personal illness. But thanks to a dear friend who stays in touch, I found about your post. My brother, Carroll died almost 9 years ago a week before Christmas, while running on a treadmill at a Gold's Gym. They determined through autopsy that his heart burst and he died before hitting the ground. He was the 2nd sibling I lost, the first my sister Norma died of spinal meningitis a month before her 13th birthday. I have one sibling left who is 8 years younger. But he inexplicably stopped communicating with me during my recent illness, which fortunately I am still battling. Oh such trauma to deal with, but I am in a good place thanks to my partner, parents, and good friends. But don't get me wrong, after my brother died, the pain and grief almost killed me. It also opened up unresolved grief from my sister's death. My story like many others on this message board is similar in that I experienced great pain over the loss, anniversary grief, anger at others whose life remained the same, sadness at the passing of events not shared with my siblings , guilt for being alive when they where gone, unsettling changes in family dynamics that continue to this day, and trouble with long term relationships ( thankfully this one is in the past as my partner and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this year). What finally helped me was this board and my relationship with others that also lost siblings. Talking or writing about each phase with another individual who has also been there really helps. Just knowing that people like Pleasant dedicate much of her professional and personal time researching, compiling data, writing books, managing web pages, message boards, and counseling. Her fostering of healing among siblings, like all of us who have experienced grief with little or no support, is truly a gift. Reaching out to others on this board; listening, and sharing helped me to face my grief head on and also gave me the tools to manage reoccurrence. There is no magic bullet, but please reach out and start somewhere when you are ready. There is a wealth of wonderful people that frequent this board from all walks of life. Most of us here have several commonalities; the loss of a sibling, the desire to communicate or learn about how to deal with their loss, the desire to share memories about their siblings. That is just a start, there are also wonderful individuals here that want to help others. Anyway if you are just reading these boards or actively participating, please know that you are in a safe place where people try to help each other. Please reach out to someone that strikes a chord with you when you are ready to talk, either on this board or in person at home. May you all have a wonderful Holiday, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Sister just lost her son | |
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Author: Tylor's aunt (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:14:21 09/08/07 Sat Hi: I'm not sure how often this board is read, but I'll post anyway. My sister and I are 14 months apart, she is 37 and just lost her 20 year old son on August 25th in a car accident. I live across the country from her, I did make it to the funeral, and spent some time with her, but I don't know what else to do. I have so many regrets about Tylor, my sister and I had a blow out years ago (I don't even remember why), it was after our father had passed away at the age of 52, I think it was probably all me. I get pissed off at people and cut them off for years. Before that, even though we are as different as night and day, we were very close, and I was SOOOO close to Tylor. Then I blew it for five years. We've been back as sisters for about 5 years now, but I don't feel like I ever made up for the time I lost with Tylor (nor his 15 year old brother Justin). I know he knows I loved him, but the guilt is overwhelming. I can't seem to stop crying, I have two kids myself that are 4 and almost 3. My 4 year old has autism and is non verbal. My husand is in the navy and gone much of the time. I feel very alone, and I have no idea (other than God, of course) who to reach out to. I'm so afraid I'm going to say something stupid and deepen their pain. I want those 5 years that I screwed up BACK! I also had another sister die almost 3 years ago at the age of 42 while I was pregnant with my youngest. Then when my youngest was born, she was very sick and did not come home for good unitl she was 3 months old (she's fine now, just sassy). Then my oldest one had so many health issues for a while, that my EX-BFF accused me of hurting them!!!!! I waited 11 years and had five miscarriages, and *I* would hurt them? For God's sake, I don't even spank them (EVER). That's a whole other ball of wax, but I'm just wondering, is everyone's burden this heavy? OMG, I miss Tylor, I cannot imagine my sister, her husband or son's pain. Does anyone have any ideas? I am heartbroken! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Sister just lost her son | |
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Author: Peg [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:42:44 09/09/07 Sun I am so sorry about your nephews death and your remorse about your sister. It really hurts to be so alone. Why don't you go and try to make things up with your sister? There was a time when I was so alone I finally starting reaching out to people and it changed my life. You don't have to be alone with all of this. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: :~( Re: Sister just lost her son | |
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Author: No name (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:22:55 09/09/07 Sun Oh, we made up years ago, and everything has been fine, I was mostly regretting what happened over ten years ago. I HAD stopped talking to her, and THAT was my regret. They've come across the country twice to visit us just in the last year. I just wish I wouldn't have been so sensitive and stupid 10 years ago. Thank you though, it's nice to know there are people who care. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: 1 week ago 2morrow. | |
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Author: No name (a sad sister.) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 02:07:32 09/09/07 Sun My only sibling past awayon sept 02 2007. I honestly believe I had the best brother in the world. Lee was 40 yrs old and too young to die. I seen him almost everyday and i would have done anything for him, as he would 4 me. I cant function now, my world is all screwed up. I'm so sad. I had a terrible dream the night he past. it was very disturbing. i keep racking my brain trying to make sense of it... in my dream we are so angry and full of hate, on the verge of having a physical fight. It felt like, he was defending someone/something that i was trying to get to. Whatever it was i wanted to do, he wasnt letting me. He was getting very mean & pushy, it gets me more riled up and ive had enough now so i say that im going to freak out if he doesnt get out of my way. I look up, and about 1 nch away he's standing in front of me he's like 8 ft tall ( & no joke, there's even a rumble type of noise)and a feeling goes through me telling me he had incredible power.. i wanted to ask my mom something but he wouldnt let me get by. i was furious that he was blocking yhe doorway and i remember i put my hand up and said dont f-ing touch me or i'll drop ya! and pushed my way through but i didnt get to the door. i woke up. this is making me sick, i cant get it out of my head. sad,sad, lori. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: 1 week ago 2morrow. | |
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Author: Peg [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:46:46 09/09/07 Sun I am sorry about the death of your brother. You have come to the right place. Your grief is so fresh right now that even in dreams you are struggling with his loss, which feels monstrous. The good news is that after a couple of months, you will be able to function again and you will want to go on living. Right now you have to get through each day as best you can. Be good to yourself and come back here to write to us if you like. We've all lost a sibling and are willing to listen. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( 34 YEARS OLD | |
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Author: L Williams (sad,guilty) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:32:13 03/06/07 Tue My sister passed away in 8/2006. She was 33. She overdosed on methadone and cocaine.. I thought life would not continue...now that it is I am feeling guilty all the time and just not coping well. Breaking down when a song she used to sing at the top of her lungs comes on or when I see a car that is similiar to hers... I still have so many questions about her death (if it was intentional) I feel guilty at times for even smiling or having a half way decent day. I am just not sure anymore how to not fall apart. She left behind two teenage boys that are very angry at her...and although I understand I feel very defensive of her. Any feedback would be helpful. suggestions [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: 34 YEARS OLD | |
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Author: No name (Hopeless) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:21:50 08/07/07 Tue my only brother died April 14, 2007 of a methadone and loratab combo,he did not mean to,it was an accident.His wife and three chlidren woke up in the bed with him dead, they were supposed to be going to the zoo that day.his children are 2,6,&8. Now after only 3 months his wife says she is moving on and after knowing a new man for only 3 weeks has him spending the night in my brother's house with his children there.We have not even scattered his ashes yet,she now says that she will not be apart of that because it would be too uncomfortable.How do I now fly across the country with my brother's ashes and explain this to our family and friends.I keep trying to reason with her,it's not working.I can not understand her moving on so soon when I hurt so bad I don't see how I am still breathing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: 34 YEARS OLD | |
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Author: Paula (Waiting to breathe again!!) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:36:08 09/04/07 Tue My brother passed away 2 weeks ago (Aug. 20th) He dies from liver failure, we found out that he had hepatitis while he was in the hospital. He was a drinker and was on methadone, which I do not belive is a very good mixture!! I tried to get him help so many times, but once he got on the methadone, no treatment centers would take him for the drinking??? Go figure!! Anyways, I feel like I babbling on and on!! I have so many regrets, I wish I would have done more and I wish I had done this or that, I just don't know!! He called me on Sat the 18th, early that morning and said he was sick and felt like he was dying, I rushed him to ther ER and within 48 hours he was dead!! I do not think I have ever felt so much pain in my life. I want to just breathe again!! To feel normal and I can't!! I WANT MY BROTHER BACK!! I have read over so many of the postings here and they scare me, some of ya'll have been in the same pain for years and years!! All I guess I can do is continue to pray for Gods grace and comfort!! I am sorry this is so long!! Thank all of you for listening!! I just needed to vent a bit!! I am tired of being strong for everyone around me!! God Bless all of you!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: 34 YEARS OLD | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:34:38 09/05/07 Wed When you read the posts here, it seems like the pain goes on forever, but it is not constant. many of us suffer from recurring pain that comes back on thier birthdays or the day they died, but other times we are ok. just try to get through one day at a time and be really good to yourself. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> [> Subject: How to overcome this grief | |
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Author: Paula (waiting to breate again) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:51:07 09/05/07 Wed Thank you all for listening to me!! You are right I guess time will take care of all of this, at least that is what I keep hearing, but when he has been my brother for 39 years and such a huge part of my life, we talked everyday, how does time take care of anything!! I wake up every morning feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest, like I need to puke my guts out!! I see the ER scene over and over and then the day he died over and over, I want it to go away!! Yes, there are moments I think of him and smile, then I get sad and wish he were here!! I get mad at him for leaving me!! I stay on the internet looking for ways to cure him... how dumb is that, I can't cure him...HE IS DEAD!! Gosh I feel like I am losing my mind and I can't do that I have kids and grand-kids that need me!! I am 41, I have a life to live and all I want to do is sleep!! Once again, I am sorry!~! I just need to vent to someone who understands and I feel like some of you do!! I can't do this to my Mom or Dad, they are dealing with their grief and when I talk to them I have to be the strong one, assuring them, they will be ok...time will heal and he is in a better place, all the BS I get sick of hearing!! Am I going crazy??? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: 34 YEARS OLD | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:33:05 09/05/07 Wed It is certainly hard to explain, but I guess this could be her way of grieving. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: 34 YEARS OLD | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:31:05 09/05/07 Wed Dear L When my sister died, I used to feel guilty any time that I would laugh--suddenly a memory of her in her casket would pop into my mind, changing my feelings in a heartbeat. That did change over time, however, and now I feel like she is laughing with me. Peg [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( MY LITTLE BROTHER WAS MURDERED | |
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Author: LINDA [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:15:52 01/23/06 Mon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ost a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: MY LITTLE BROTHER WAS MURDERED | |
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Author: Pat [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:42:28 01/23/06 Mon This is a terrible situation--I am so sorry. My brother too was murdered but they didn't find who did it--it was in the street outside our house--he was shot at only 24. I had just moved away from home. What helped our whole family get thru it is by going to Parents of Murdered children meetings. We went to meeting regularly and then even went to the yearly conferences. The friends we made there have been such a great support and our lives in many ways are better now in that we have so many friends who care about us. We found the website from the support pages on this site. I truely hope you will get involved with this group. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: MY LITTLE BROTHER WAS MURDERED | |
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Author: richie (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:04:47 08/25/07 Sat like you, my younger brother was murdered last april 17, 2007 and until now the killers was not caught, i can feel your pains and sorrows. as of now prayers and vigilance keeps our family together. and we hope that one of this day, the killers of my brother will be brought to justice. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I was the driver in the accident that killed my little brother | |
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Author: maria (hurts the same every day) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:33:52 08/02/07 Thu I scan the message board hoping to see someone like me who was involved in the cause of their siblings death. I loved him so much and 18 yrs later just to type this the pain is still like a knife shot down my chest. I was 17, he was 13 - he was the light of our family, all love, all fun, all great kid full of life - , I missed a stop sign for no reason. Today on the outside I look ok, and many yrs of therapy and now EMDR have helped. But what I have always wanted was to talk to someone like me, who had an accident and has trouble being alive when they think about it. Thank you anyone for responding. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: I was the driver in the accident that killed my little brother | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:31:27 08/05/07 Sun Dear Maria, There are many young people who were accidentally the one who "killed" a sibling, most often in car accidents but also in shooting or boating accidents. The two national support organizations, Bereaved Parents of the USA and Compassionate Friends both have annual gatherings and there is usually a small group of people who share your pain. I highly recommend that you attend one of these meetings. You are not alone. Peg [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: >:-( holidays | |
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Author: Amber K. (confused) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:55:36 12/08/06 Fri I lost my older brother last December 26th and now I feel lost. I used to love Christmas but now... Thanksgiving was weird nobody said a word. My situation is different, both my parents are remarried Mike is my step brother. So half of my family is oblivious to what I am going thorough. I have grown up with mike for twenty years. I am lost without him. I am in college trying to get ready for finals. I can't concentrate any sigastions. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: lost in a sea of sadness | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 00:14:42 06/02/07 Sat My younger brother was killed in a work related accident in September 1990, he was 20 years old. My family pulled together and the healing began. On December 6, 2006 I received a call from my mom telling me that it happened again. My oldest brother had an accident at work and didn't make it. I ask myself every day how could this happen again? I just do not understand. I feel like I am lost in a sea of sadness with no land in sight. My husband either doesn't understand or doesn't know what to say. I wish I could talk to someone who understands what I am going through. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( Boyfriend's Loss of Father and Brother in 14 months | |
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Author: Smiley31970 [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:29:10 01/11/06 Wed I am writing on behalf of my wonderful boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years and those have been the most traumatic for him. In Sept 2003 he found out his father had lung cancer. He was devastated but could not really talk about the affect it had on him as he wanted to be strong for both his parents as they went through treatment. At this time my boyfriend lived in Minneapolis, MN and me in Austin, TX. Although we talked on the phone, I know he needed comfort and I was not there for him. Sept 2004, he father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. His grieving was cut short as he was in the middle of plans to move to TX. On to Nov 2005, a week before Thanksgiving my boyfriend receives a phone call that his only brother has died in a freak accident. During this same time frame add other events like buying a house, moving to a new job twice (he has had 2 different jobs in TX already) and managing a gambling addiction. I am not sure how many more life changing events he can take. Right now I am so worried about his state of mind. He is in a state of depression and has started to gamble again. He has not grieved the losses of his family, but I can tell he is hurt and alone. I am trying to find him a grief counselor, but was else can I do? Any advice? – I don’t know what to say to him as I have never lost anyone that close to me. BTW – did I mention this is not his real father and brother? Step brother and father since he was 2, so the feelings/connections are the same. He doesn’t talk about his real father either. I don’t know about anything there. My assumption is that the gambling is a symptom of feelings of abandonment from his real father and then grief from his losses in the last year. I also think all these feelings he suppresses are adding to his depression. I wish I could help him more – please help! I am lost. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Not my plan | |
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Author: Peg (In shock) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 00:53:15 05/01/07 Tue My sister and I are only 18 mts. apart in age and I was told 2 days ago that she has incurable liver cancer. Our lives together keeps flashing in front of my eyes - laughing, crying, the two of us fighting everyone else, the two of us losing to everyone else, our angers, our triumphs...our future plans. She was the one who cried when we got shots, she was the one who cried at scary movies, she was the one who cried when the goldfish died even though I had been the only one that took care of it, and now, the thought of her fear is breaking my heart. She is a good person and has been a fine companion. Please pray for her and me. I really want to take this horrible experience and make a positive experience out of it so I can always say she was the best big sister that ever was and even death couldn't change that. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Not my plan | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:58:50 05/03/07 Thu Dear Peg, in shock, Sometimes the siblings are the only ones who are close enough and strong enough to stick out the dying process. She will need someone to be with her, to be willing to talk about it, and not run away from the pain. Your post touched my heart because you described what it was like for me when my 13 year old sister died from cancer when I was 15. There is a part of you going through that experience too. But please keep in mind that a part of her will always live on with you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Tragic Death | |
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Author: Jan [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:12:26 04/14/07 Sat My friend, Patty, was killed in a traffic accident last Monday. Her 23 year old daughter was driving the car and was at least partially responsible for the accident. She spun out of control and crossed over the median into the path of a tractor trailer. Patty was life-flighted to the hospital but couldn't be revived. Her daughter's back home in her bed with a broken wrist and a badly bruised body. She knows her mother is dead, but acts like the accident never happened. I know a little about denial, but it is so shocking to experience this! I'm pretty depressed and really miss Patty. I want to be available to help her daughter, but don't know how. I figure she needs the denial right now to cope, but how long should this last? The wake is tomorrow and the funeral is the day after. When can I expect her to start grieving? Thanks for responding! Jan [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Tragic Death | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:54:11 04/15/07 Sun Dear Jan, I'm so sorry about your friend. This is a hard time for all concerned. Life can change drastically in an instant. Right now, your friend's daughter may need her denial in order to keep on living. The guilt from being the driver when others are hurt or killed is so massive that it takes immense courage to survive it. When you are 23, you are still too young to realize that it was an accident and that we are all vulnerable to accidents, no matter how perfect we are as drivers. There is no particular time limit as to when people begin or end grieving. The whole grief process is so unique for each person. In general, however, shock comes first and the pain of grief does not hit us until the shock wears off, or until the denial is lifted. For some, that has taken years. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Help | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:41:46 01/05/06 Thu Hello, im not sure if this is only an adult boared but i cant find a teenage one so this should do. 2 and a half months ago i watched my fiveyear old brother die in a sudden tragic accident. He was like my own son as i helped my mother in raising him. he was the most beautiful and intelligent child i have ever met and it just doesn't seem fair. The reason why i am posting is because i have no one else to talk to as everyone is effected and i am realising already that i am becoming paranoid and scared. I have already missed out on my first term of year 12 due to it occuring at my school and although i want to get excellent results for my HSC i have lost my drive to succeed and do my work. Can someone who has experienced something similar contact and tell me that they went on with there lives and that i will too. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Help | |
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Author: Pat [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:38:06 01/06/06 Fri I am so sorry about your brother. It is a terrible loss and at a time when you are on the verge of many changes in your life. Several of us here lost siblings when we were your age -- it does take time before you can move on with your life and concentrate. I had terrible marks in school the year after my brother's death. Your grief is still very fresh, so I know it must feel as though things will never be normal again. You will enjoy life again, believe me. Please come back and write to us again. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Help | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:23:23 01/06/06 Fri Hello, Yes, Pat is right...many of us lost our siblings when we were young. My grades and school activities suffered the year after my sister died. It must be especially hard to lose your brother that you helped to take care of. Can you talk to your mom about your feelings of grief and how you feel about school? This group is for all ages, there might even be someone that reads or posts to this board that is near your age. Please write again and let us know how you are doing. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Help | |
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Author: Katharine [Edit] |
Date Posted: 03:20:59 01/07/06 Sat Hi, To the teenager who lost his young brother . I assume from your email that you are an Australian because you mentioned the HSC . I am an Australian as well and lost my brother many years when I was 19 through sudden illness . It can be particularly difficult as a teenager when you don't know anybody else who has been in the situation you are in . I am very sorry to hear about your brother's death and I am sure that what you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances . My advice to you would be that you seek professional help - one option might be to contact the school counsellor - they will be able to recommend you to somebody who you can talk to . It would be confidential . But its really important to find somebody whether its a friend or older adult . Please don't feel that you need to go through this experience on your own . Its going to take a long time before you feel better . [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Help | |
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Author: Zoe [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:28:36 02/01/06 Wed Hey, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can empathise with your problems with school work and stuff. I've been going on boards like this throughout my late teens as I lost my bro when I was 15, I'm 20 now. I understand about the whole school thing, I ended up taking time out after year 12 and then starting again because I needed the time out desperately. I realised that I really needed to sort myself out before I dealt with school, it was hard because I had always been such a conscientious student and my grades were everything to me, but I had already dropped two subjects cos I had no energy or drive to do the studying anymore just like yourself. But the good thing is when I started back at college again I was able to study and I am on track for University now, so things will get back on track eventually, I think I just needed time to deal with my feelings and not have such a hectic routine for a while. Try and get as much support as you can and remember to look after yourself, things will get better, do post again, cos it really helps to talk it through with others who understand. Take care, Zoe x [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Help | |
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Author: crystina [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:35:55 02/03/06 Fri Hello, I want you to know that there is someone else out there in your situation. Me. I had a 4 year old brother who a couple years ago became infected with Leukemia very quickly and passed on within a week of its spreading. It was sudden and tragic and shocking most of all. I will never forget the way I felt that year. I was entering my sophomore year of high school and going to school everyday was horrible for me. No one really knew what had happened so it was so easy for them to laugh and be happy and go on like nothing had happened. My family was broken at home. No one talked, no one smiled, none of us grieved together. I was very much alone in getting through this, so you can imagine what it was like. I remember for one week straight I actually didn't move from the couch, I just layed there staring out the window wondering if the world outside was actually real or if I was imagining everything that had happened. My brother was a very special child, like you've said with your younger sibling, he was beautiful and full of intelligence. It seemed like he'd had it all accomplished by the age of 4. I felt like I was supposed to protect him from the world, yet show him everything at the same time. I also felt like I had helped raise him. It was so hard for me to BELIEVE what had happened. As the year went on, I really leaned on my friends for support. There came a point where I wanted to remember him without crying. I know there is nothing that can bring him back, so all I can do is remember his memory and do the things I knew he would have loved to see me do. My brother was going to grow up to to great things and he always wanted me right there, he wouldnt have wanted me to sit and mope and be depressed. Its so easy to sit and cry, and feel lonely and unhappy. But I realized that my life has to go on, it taught me to value everyday and not waste a moment bc we don't know when our last will be. I am a senior now, and although I may not completely understand or want to believe he is gone, I know that I have to keep living and breathing. Don't hold back on your senior year of highschool. You are going to make wonderful memories of your own, and your little brother will be watching all along. Think of him as your guardian angel. Your friends will be by your side and don't ever be afraid to cry. Tears come along with the grief, its okay to cry sometimes bc we all get a little to full :) I hope this helped, I always wished I had someone to talk to when my brother passed on.. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Miranda-Lyn [Edit] |
Date Posted: 03:02:05 05/28/06 Sun I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my brother at the age of 6, and am now 20. I may not know exactly what your going through, but I have a pretty good idea. I lived in denial of my brothers death until I was about 12. From there on out my life went into a downward spiral. I started drugs and drinking and after my first year of highschool I dropped out. I too lost my ambition for life. Unfortunitly the pain will never go away, but you will learn to cope. It takes time, and its a hard painful road, I'm not going to lie to you. But with the support of your loved ones you will find ways to redirect that anger and pain. Trust me its hard dealing with the grief and loss of a sibling while trying to find your self, in an already tough time in your life. Everyone experiences greif in their own way so its hard to give advice in this type of situation. Please feel free to email me any time. Being a teenager going through grief is something I know all to well. Whats helped me is knowing that My brother always looked out for me and wanted me to succeed. Your brother will ALWAYS be with you in EVERYTHING that you do, and he will always be a part of you hun. Remember that he would want you to succeed. But most of all give it time. So Scream and cry journal, talk to someoneand do what ever helps you cope, because the worst thing you could do is bottle it up in side. I'm hear if you need to chat... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Kerry (ok) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:39:25 09/20/06 Wed Hi, My baby sister was killed by her school bus when I was 13 and she was seven. I too suffered in school. Back in the 70's people did not get help for grief situations like that. I believe you need grief counseling in order to adapt. I finally five yrs after her death saw a psychologist for the first time. Life does get better, but there will always be a place in your heart for your brother. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Kerry (so sorry) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 23:32:01 02/08/07 Thu Hi, I experienced something very similiar when I was 13 and my sister was six. I did not see the tragic accident though. I have gone on with my life and am still going on with it. I have had to have many many hours of counseling. My sister was like my very own child too. When it happened to me there wasn't all the help there is now. It is going to take a while for you to "feel" normal. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( Sudden loss of an exceptional brother | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:51:08 10/17/06 Tue This may not be the right place to do this, i'm not sure, but I feel like I need to share my story somehow. Maybe it'll help me or make me feel better, but I doubt it. 6 months ago, yesterday, I received a call from my mom telling me my brother had not come home yet, for some reason I had this feeling in my stomach and called my friend who lived next to the hwy, and asked him if he had heard any sirens, "yes i did" he replied. That second I knew something had happend and I was the first family member to be at the site of my brother's fatal car accident. He had fallen asleep and lost control on a closed road, flipping his truck and was ejected from it dying instantly. He was only 16 years old, so athletic, and so handsome. Just that morning he had been telling me and my parents how he always falls asleep at the wheel, and when i went to work that day (as beverage cart on our golf course) i was thinking about him non-stop and wondering why I hadn't seen him out golfing at all that day. Ever since than has been a huge struggle with happiness, and concentration, because just shortly after that my mom's breast cancer had come back again, and just recently they found a brain tumor in her and she had to have brain surgery. Thankfully, it went ok and she is going through radiation and next up chemotherapy for her breast cancer, but I just feel so alone. My parents have each other, and they understand how they feel, I am up at college trying to get through each day, w/ no one who understands my aloneness, my guiltiness of not being a better sister, my anger, my sadness. everyone else has moved on w/ there lives, i just feel like i'm stuck and not going anywhere. I cry ever single night, even 6 months after. My friends try, god knows i love them for trying but its not what i need. I need my brother back, its like it hits me harder and harder with the realization that hes gone, each day. He didnt' deserve this, why does this happen to good people. I'm so angry because it should have been me, i'm 22 and have had more years of life experiences than he did, he did nothing wrong. Nothing seems to be getting better. I just dont know what to do anymore. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Sudden loss of an exceptional brother | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:10:24 10/18/06 Wed Yes, this is the right place to talk about your brother, and it helps, but your grief is still fresh--this will take a long time. You knew instinctively that something had happened to your brother--you must have had a really close connection. His death must have been incredibly shocking. I can't even imagine how you have coped with that and then your mother's cancer. Seems like everything happened at once. College is lonely enough without all of this on top of it. I hope that you will go and talk to the campus counselor. This is so confusing and disturbing--it's really hard to get through it on your own. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Sudden loss of an exceptional brother | |
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Author: Amber K. (my feelings as well) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:08:45 12/10/06 Sun wow, its like you're telling my story! My mother does not have cancer, but she is always breaking something. I worry about her constantly I am in college to. My brother died the same way as yours. My family doesn't like to talk about it. I've been in counseling ever since it happened. It seems to have helped some. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Thank you for sharing | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 23:28:35 03/31/06 Fri Thank you to everyone who shared their memories of loved ones they have lost. My sister died 3 months ago and I did get to hug her, kiss her, tell I loved her just hours before she passed but the significance of her dieing on Christmas drives me crazy. At first I thought about having our annual Christmas Eve family celebration with a special spot just for her, then I thought maybe I would skip Christmas this year but I have 2 kids and my sister would hate that, then I thought maybe we could go to church and try to enjoy the holiday. Nothing seems right. I really did want to thank everyone for telling your stories, realizing that this is not something I will get over in a few short months makes me feel like I am not abnormal. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Veronica [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:56:40 11/20/06 Mon My sister died on Thanksgiving. At Christmas my family did go to Mass for her and I presented all of them with a pewter Christmas tree ornament and Christmas prayer entitled "Merry Christmas From Heaven" - you may have heard of that prayer which is very comforting. It helped a little and I'm hoping the tree ornament and prayer will cause them to remember her every Christmas [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Amber K. (my feelings as well) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:07:16 12/10/06 Sun my brother died the day after Christmas last your, I am trying to figure out how to get through the holidays. If I could skip Christmas I would. I don't think that would make it any easier though [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Lost my brother - my BEST friend | |
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Author: Stephanie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:14:31 08/14/06 Mon I lost my younger brother 15 weeks ago. He died two weeks before his 29th birthday. He was driving home from work and fell asleep at the wheel and was killed instantly. My brother was not only my baby brother, but my BEST FRIEND. And I was his, we were two peas in a pod. Did not live in the same towns, but talked all the time and when we were together we were glued. He knew me better than anyone, better than I know myself. When he died I lost a huge piece of myself, almost as if I had died with him. I have three kids...my 9 year old son was named after him and I have 15month old twin girls. I struggle everyday to remain grounded as a mom and a wife and I can't seem to find my footing. I just want to curl up and cry all the time. My son (whom he was also very close) has a hard time with it as well, especially when he sees me lose it. I struggle with finding the right words to comfort him when I myself can not find a way to move forward. I have a younger sister as well and we were all close, but sometimes I have a hard time even connecting with her as our relationship with our brother was so very different. He was not supposed to die (especially not before me) and he was at the top of his game...everything was happening for him and he was SO HAPPY for the first time in his life he was IN LOVE and getting ready to start a grown up life. It is just so hard to deal with and I struggle with my faith daily. Anyway, I hope someone has words of wisdom for me...Thank you for listening! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: My Little Brother's Birthday | |
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Author: Stephen (Numb) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:21:49 08/14/06 Mon Hi, I'm writing because today mark's my little brother's 18th birthday. He passed away from complications (we think) with his Diabetes (Type 1) several weeks ago, on July 25th. I'm 29, and it's really difficult for me to accept that he's gone. I had such high expectations for growing old with him. Today also marked the beginning of his Senior year in High School. It's hard to cry or do anything but just stare a lot into nothingness. Anyway, we're still waiting for the autopsy, biopsy, and toxo reports to come back. I hate waiting to know why he died so young. All he wanted was love. We were so close. My brother was born on August 14, 1988, premature, weighing only 1 lbs and 12 ounces. He fought so hard to even make it into this world, and then suddenly he's just gone. Poof! Please pray for me, my wife, and our families as we struggle through this loss. Also, if you want to know more, I revamped my MySpace as a memorial for him: www.myspace.com/bullsharkdiver Take care, Stephen [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: My Little Brother's Birthday | |
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Author: Ralph [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:36:17 08/15/06 Tue Hello, I understand where you are coming from--my brother died last year and we were not exactly sure of the cause of death for some time after he died. I'm a little older than you--35--but it was the first time I had ever experienced death and it blew me away. However, I was surprised to wake up one day and realize that I could go on living without him. Give yourself time to absorb the shock, treat yourself for right now like you are physically sick, and take care of your physical being--get exercise, eat right, don't drink or try to kill the pain--it just prolongs it. Good luck, Stephen--Keep in touch! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost my brother - my BEST friend | |
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Author: johnnys sissy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:28:04 10/20/06 Fri I have been looking at sibling grieving sites and reading posts all morning. I lost my baby brother{32} on june29,2006. I swear sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who lost a brother, a best friend, and a child all at once. He was the one male in my life I knew to be a constant. He and I shared the same heart it seemed. He was the one I would call to deal with this and he isn't here. The events that lead up to his passing are still very confusing to me. I know why it happened, I just can't believe it still. I have a son who acts and looks similar and it is hard to hear his voice{sounds like my bro} and not think of that. I miss him so much...I cry at least once everyday. His birthday was on September 29th and I held his ashes and cried all day long. Alot of people I talk to say that it doesn't get better, it just gets easier. I am waiting for that day to come. However on the upside this site has helped and your post made me feel connected. Thank you [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Lost my brother - my BEST friend , to Johnny's Sissy | |
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Author: MD [Edit] |
Date Posted: 00:35:32 10/21/06 Sat I'm sitting here looking at the Message Board to see if anyone has responded to my story that I left a few days ago, and than all of a sudden all these "loss of a brother" stories for a while back are showing up, ( weird, for one because I've been crying all night long about my younger brother's death) the other weirdest thing is that I read your response about your brother and his bday is on the same day as my bday, Sept. 29th. and that right there just makes me think that I read these stories for a "REASON" ya know, my brother died 6 months ago, he was my best friend, even though we fought too much and didn't tell each other how much we loved each other, he still was my best friend and I feel like he was the only Love that was constant in my entire life. I miss him sooo much, and it's just good to know that how I feel is not abnormal, cause all iwant to do is be with him, i just want to be with him, i dont care about anything else anymore. I just dont know how to move on, it keeps getting worse and worse as the days go on because i'm realizeing that it's not a dream, and it's becoming more real to me every time i wake up. He's never going to walk through the front door again. His truck will never be parked in our driveway ever again, he'll never pretend to beat me up anymore, and he'll never pick me up and give me the biggest, most warm huge any brother could ever give their big sister. So I guess my point is that I understand,I wish there were more people out there to help me and help me understand and help me get through this. take care [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost my brother - my BEST friend | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:16:29 11/24/06 Fri Thank you so much for your post. I am so sorry for your loss. Reading what you're going through made me fell less alone. I lost my baby sister and best friend 10 weeks ago in a car accident. She was 27 and the reality of what has happened to me and my family is still not real. We were incredibly close, she knew me better than anyone, I had no secrets from her and I feel like a huge part of me died with her in that car. I am trying to go on and figure out who I am now without her but moving on feels like a betrayal. I still talk to her everyday and I write her letters in my grief journal. It helps, but i'd give anything to have her back. Hang in there...I hope it helps to know you are not alone. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Missing my brother | |
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Author: Rob [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:27:50 10/22/05 Sat It's been a year and half since my older brother comitted suicide at age 48. I am 43. Like many of the folks that have posted here, I find myself unable to get past missing him terribly, and also blaming myself for not having been more supportive in helping him through his pain. It dominates my life. I am convinced he didn't have to suffer, and he didn't have to do it. It's the catch-22 lesson I wish I never had to have learned. I never really knew pain like he must have had, until he was gone. Now that I understand, it's too late to help. I would have done ANYTHING for him, but he didn't know it. The rest of the world seems to "move on", while I can't seem to. I long for the days when he was here. My best wishes to all you on this site. We share something in common. I wish we didn't. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Missing my brother | |
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Author: Karen [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:06:14 10/24/05 Mon I lost my brother at age 49 on August 31st this year to a suicide. The loss, pain, horror and guilt has been unbearable. I understand your pain more than you can imagine. I am talking with a grief counselor as well as when I have the strength I am going to attend a support group through Catholic Charities. I think this too will help me. I have found that talking with a grief counselor allows me to express feelings that I cannot share with anyone. Even though I have a long road ahead of me I hope that you have or will consider some kind of support such as I have. The loss of a loved one from suicide is overwhelming and I cannot expect to try to move on easily. Since the pain is so bad I am wise to seek help. I hope you might consider doing this also. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope this helps. You are not alone. KL [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Rob [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:30:02 10/25/05 Tue Hi Karen, I am truely sorry for the loss of your brother. It's a terrible thing. Some people have told me that perhaps there's solice in knowing that my brother isn't hurting any longer. I do, at least, find some comfort with that notion. There was lots more life for us all to share, but it sure was not worth it, for our brothers, if they had to suffer through it. Take care of yourself. And thank you for your note. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:37:19 11/20/06 Mon I've just found this message board and going through the postings, yours could have been written by me. My sibling's death was 3 years ago. I hope you're doing better by now. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Missing my brother | |
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Author: thara (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 01:33:50 11/22/06 Wed It's been a year and half since my older brother comitted suicide at age 12. I am 43. Like many of the folks that have posted here, I find myself unable to get past missing him terribly, and also blaming myself for not having been more supportive in helping him through his pain. It dominates my life. I am convinced he didn't have to suffer, and he didn't have to do it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Update to my story | |
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Author: Jennifer [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:44:04 09/08/05 Thu Hello all, I have been here before but not recently. My brother, Tim was murdered in Albany, New York and died on October 10, 2004. He was 28. Like all of you, I am having a hard time dealing with not only the loss of Tim but the manner in which he was killed. He was brutally beaten by an individual with an axe. The person responsible for this crime did it because he wanted my brother's girlfriend back. He lived for four days on life support before his body gave out. Enough about the background information - In June, a jury convicted the person responsible of 2nd degree intentional murder. On August 25th, he was sentenced to 25 years to life. If anyone is facing a similiar situation - which I think I read one story - the court room drama and the waiting just brings things back to the fore front and it is like you are grieveing again as if it just happened. Tim's birthday is September 16th and it will be his first without him - I can't imagine this and then the one year anniversary of his death will be in October. If anyone out there has questions about the court process, please don't hesitate to contact me. On a side note, through this amazing site, I have met Kristy. Kristy and I write everyday and it is amazing how we have so much in common. I couldn't get through everyday without her. Just knowing that someone else shares my grief is comforting. Even though I am in New York and she is in Florida, I feel like she lives next door and that I have known her a lifetime. I was telling her this morning that I believe it was fate and the work of her brother and my brother that brought us together. I am truly lucky to have met her. This is a friendship that will stand the test of time like all of us that have visited this site! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Update to my story | |
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Author: Kris[Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:01:37 09/08/05 Thu Thank you Jenn, I feel the same way. Seeing your strength helps me get through. Kristy [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( Lost my brother on Mother's day | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:29:19 05/18/06 Thu I just lost my brother this past Sunday. I'm still numb most of the time, mostly because I've been so worried about my parents. My brother was only 32 and my baby brother. We aren't sure what the cause of death was yet, but preliminary reports show he died in his sleep and his heart was three times the normal size. Both my parents are taking this hard (they aren't together anymore) and both have health issues so I'm really worried about what this is going to do to them. None of us got to say goodbye,or could have ever predicted this. Not to mention I had to be the one to tell my mother on mother's day none the less. My brother had struggled with addiction over the years but had been sober for the past year and was on the right track. He had been to a meeting the evening before he passed and was really trying to make a difference in other's lives also. I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel or do, I just try to take care of things the best I can so my parents don't have to, but I know it is just the begining. The other issue is that his wallet and car are missing, but the police don't think there was foul play...just think someone was with him and got scared and ran. I don't know, but that doesn't sit well with me. To my brother: I love you so much, it's wierd thinking I'll never see you or talk to you again. You were my only brother and I can't imagine you not being there to witness your nephew's graduation in two weeks, or all the other milestone's to come. I know you'd want us all to go on living life and I promise you I will and I will try my best to help mom and dad through this. To think last May we were dealing with Dad's open heart surgery and this May you are gone.......it's so surreal...I keep thinking it's a dream. I hope I wake up soon! I LOVE YOU...I wish I could have told you one more time. Love Sis. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost my brother on Mother's day | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:20:07 05/19/06 Fri I am so sorry about the sudden death of your brother. I know you must hate this and wonder how you are going to get through it. Of course, it bothers you to think that his wallet and car are gone, and that the police are not concerned. I hope you will continue to visit here and let us know how you are doing. Please take care of yourself. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost my brother on Mother's day | |
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Author: Veronica [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:44:54 11/20/06 Mon I just found this website by chance I lost a brother and sister in the last 5 years and found reading the messages helpful - I wanted to respond to your posting because I ran into a problem with police. If you suspect something other than what they are telling you, do not sit back and take their word as law. For your own sake, and for justice for your brother, learn what happened if your gut tells you something isn't right. Find out what department investigates police actions, go to the Attorney General - whatever you need to do. Sometimes the police are too anxious to just finish their paperwork and go home. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( My Brother Was Murdered | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:07:06 08/04/05 Thu I lost my brother last October. He was shot through the heart at point blank range. I have nobody to turn to, yes, I have had counseling, counseling and more counseling. I really need the strength of my only other living relative, my older sister. She is too busy pretending that the "big bad world" doesn't exist and walks through life with rose colored glasses! I sit here tonight after speaking with the prosecutors office regarding the trial and feel really alone. Having suffered the loss of both parents, and now my brother, I feel like I am being punished. It is true, I do. I have heard soooo much, when will you be over this? Are you always going to be like this? When will you let it go? Get over it already! Death is death, no matter the circumstances, it is a great loss in your life, a hole in your heart, and a door that is slammed closed forever! My sister-in-law was so thoughtful, she had my brother cremated and ashes spread before my sister and I knew it! No closure, which is the worst. I planned my parents funeral, (both separate occasions) and never thought I was going to be faced with a senseless death of another family member. The man I am dating, doesn't get it and wants to know why I keep doing this to myself? Doing what? I mean come on, I have had death surrounding me almost my whole life. HELP! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: My Brother Was Murdered | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:05:32 08/06/05 Sat Hello, Please do not listen to people, that have not lost a sibling, concerning how you should feel. For that matter, even for all of us each of our experiences are different. The difference is that all of us understand the pain of loss. The loss of your brother is still very new. Add the traumatic way he was taken from you, all of the legal matters you are dealing with, and the lack of support from your family members; it is no wonder you are still struggling to cope with your grief. For many of us it takes a long time to find some semblance of normalcy in our lives. Be patient and gentle with yourself, allow time to grieve. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: My Brother Was Murdered | |
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Author: Jennifer [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:15:37 09/26/05 Mon Hi, My brother was murdered last October as well. I know how you feel as you deal with the not only the loss of your brother but the brutality and lack of compassion for human life. I have posted here before and have just lived through a trial and sentencing for the person responsible. If you would like to emial me you can - I would be glad to share with you my experiences with the criminal justice system. I will just warn you that the trial brings up all of the emotions again and you may hear some things from the defense that you know aren't true - they may even say mean things about your brother. Just be true to yourself and try not to let it get to you. These are the tactics that they use in front of a jury. You know your brother and the prosecuter will make sure that the jury does too! Take care! I am sorry that you have had to experience the same pain that I do. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: My Brother Was Murdered | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:30:22 09/29/05 Thu Jennifer: If you would please email me at my personal email listed. I would really like to email w/you. rosesredvioletsblue2003@yahoo.com [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Happy birthday | |
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Author: Paul [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:13:19 05/15/06 Mon Strange with the impact of birthdays. Almost two years since my little brother died, my life have slowly moved into something like normal..but I can not cope with birthdays, sad to say not even my kids birthdays, let alone my own. Probably because it was so obvious that my 33rd birthday was the last birthday you were ever going to visit, you died only eight days later little bro. Wish you were here today on your 33rd birthday. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Happy birthday | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:22:37 05/18/06 Thu Paul, I just celebrated my birthday with my partner and parents. We ate at a restaurant that has been the center of many family celebrations in past years. I realized as we were eating that the last time we were in that particular room was 6 days after my brother died, Christmas day 1998. Instantly, I understood the waves of sadness that were engulfing me. Wow, obviously places as well as dates can trigger grief, even when we least expect it. Like you, for the most part my life has been back to normal. But each year, I think there goes another year without my siblings in my life. It is hard not to miss them and especially during milestones in our lives. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Happy birthday | |
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Author: johnnys sissy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:52:43 10/20/06 Fri my baby brither died a little over two months before his birthday. The day was horrible ,but i waded thru it. I took my mom and my kids and we went to eat at one of his favorite reteraunts and watched the movie" Open Season" which had this beautiful message about letting someone you love go. My brother loved penguins and so X-mas we will go see the new penguin movie coming out. We have decided to try to honor him by doing things he would have loved to do. My kids also all had birthdays around the time he died. I got presents for them from him. They miss him terribly too. I hope you can find ways to honor your brother on his and your childrens birthday. PEACE [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Loss of my sister... | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:52:51 10/15/06 Sun umm, I'm sort of new to the whole message board thing, but I knew that I could tell my story, and people would understand. I'll be sixteen one month from today, and two years ago on Sept. 2 of 04 I lost my only sister to a car accident. This happened exactly one week after her seventeenth birthday. No one really knows what happened. It was rumored to be a ceel phone that caused it. They say that she dropped it and lost control trying to pick it up. Others say that it was because she blacked out and lost control. Who really knows? She flipped her jeep, and hit a tree, and died on impact. Now, we live in a very small little town. Albany, LA. We're talking one red light small! Everyone knew and loved Jen and after that day this town has lost almost all happiness. I always get the feeling that my parents compare me to her. I may look or sound like her, but it takes everything in me to keep myself from just flippin' out on everyone tellin' them I'm not her. There's no one close to her not even me! Everyone has been extremely supportive and I know who I can count on to be there for me when I need them, and then there are those people that have no feelings. I've actually had people tell me "Get over it, she's dead." And I'm sorry but you don't say those things to someone who has lost their only sister. I just thought I'd share my story and find out who else has had these feelings. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of my sister... | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:03:43 10/18/06 Wed I'm glad you wrote to us here--we have all lost a sister or brother, so yes, we do understand. I'm so sorry about the death of your sister. She was so young and it makes it harder not knowing exactly what happened. When my sister died, we had warning because she was in the hospital for several months--but you had nothing to prepare you for this. It makes sense that you have a lot of mixed emotions right now--this is going to take some time before you get to a place where you have a new "normal". I know what you mean about people having no feelings. You wish people would just GET IT but until it happens to them, they don't. I was the same age you were when my sister died. I can't say I ever really "got over" it. But it is easier to live with now. Come back and write again and tell us how you are doing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Lost Distant Brother | |
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Author: pb [Edit] |
Date Posted: 09:43:15 09/24/06 Sun I just came across this website and thought it might be the first place I could say some things I've never been able to say anywhere else. I lost my brother last year but due to many family disagreements we had not talked to my brother in years. Also, it was several months after his death that my family learned of his death due to the strained relations. The way in which we learned of his death as well as the fact that we didn't know about his death when it occurred, was/is an awful awful situation. When we learned of his death, I think there was as much anger as there was sadness. It scares me that there might have been more anger than sadness. My parents really shut down regarding the situation and I haven't been able to talk about it with them. I spoke with my sister about it at the time but, again, there was more anger than sadness. It has been about 8 months since we learned of his death and almost a year since his death and no one in my family has talked about it since it happened. Although I have some anger, I'm also very sad about this loss. But what I'm realizing is that I'm becoming more angry with the rest of my family because I'm not able to deal with it WITH them. I know everyone deals with loss differently but I don't think they are dealing with it at all and I'm afraid this is greatly hurting my relationship with them. I'm afraid to talk to them about this because I was basically told not to talk about it but I don't think its healthy. Do I respect their wishes and leave it alone although it may strain the remaining relationships we have? I have considered going to therapy so that I can deal with my feelings of losing my brother and properly grieve the loss. I know I don't want to feel this way forever. I just wish I could deal with it with my family. Any thoughts or advice? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost Distant Brother | |
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Author: No name (Thoughts and Advice) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:21:16 09/24/06 Sun Dear pb, I am so sorry about the death of your brother and of the strained relationships within the family. Counseling is extremely helpful in cases like this when other family members don't wish to talk. Or perhaps you have friends who would be willing to listen. It sounds like your parents need time to deal with it in their own way. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: Kris [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:36:38 09/18/06 Mon I lost my little brother about a year and a half ago to an asthma attack he was only 26 years old. I miss him very much and think about him everyday! I just found out I ampregnant about 5 months ago a pleasant unexpected surprise and I decided in honor of my brother I would name the baby after him "Jamie" any suggestions on middle names welcome. It just makes me think happy thoughts when I think about bringing life back into his name. Here is where my problems start my brother never grieved when Jamie died and because of this he suffered extreme anxiety and panic attacks he still has to make at least one or two hospital trips a month, anyway he moved away to get away from the memories and he was the only sibling I had left I miss him very much. To make matters worse my parents already fragile marriage never recovered after Jamie died and they are going through a bitter divorce. My dad (stepfather since I was only 3 years old I am now 30) who I was extremely close to, (he was even in the delivery room when I had my 4 year old) has decided since we are not his biological children my mom basically gets us in the divorce. I have not heard from him in months I know he has a new younger girlfriend with a five year old-I this is very uncharacteristic of my dad and I don't understand it. It almost seems like he is trying to live my brothers life starting over. Idon't know how to grieve for the loss of my father. My brother was taken from us not by his choice but my dad made the choice how do you deal with this. I know people understand your grief or at least try to when death is new but do people even comprehend how a death can affect the family long term? I wonder how our lives would be if Jamie were still alive. I makes me cry just to think of it. I know this new addition to our ever shrinking family will bring happiness but I can't help to think how much this baby will miss out on because of my brothers death. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: Jen [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:30:00 09/19/06 Tue Hey Kris, I can tell you that my brother's murder almost two years ago has completely destroyed what we once consdiered our normal. As do you, I have a happy event coming. I am getting married in October of next year. While I am thrilled and excited part of me knows that it is bittersweet because Tim won't be there for it. As my family has had to endure two of Tim's bestfriend's weddings and now another best friend is having a baby, you are constantly reminded of the loss. It never goes away. Things that you should be happy about will always have that sadness to them because your loved one is not there. I often say that Erick, who murdered my brother had no idea the destruction he would cause to the families involved. It is normal, in my opinion to feel overwhelmed. I am sorry that your brother left to escape his grief - unfortunately, you know that you can never escape the grieving process. That new baby will bring you love and joy. Focus on the good and Jamie's memory. Dad will come around when he is ready - he is grieving too. Love ya!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Karen [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:43:01 12/31/05 Sat Tragically my 29 year old brother was killed in an accident 8 years ago, and twelve months after his death, my beloved 38-year old sister died after a 4-year battle with cancer. My parents directed a lot of anger at both my brother-in-law and myself a few months before my sister died. They have sustained this anger during the 7 years since my sister's death; by the way my parents communicate with and treat my brother-in-law and his lovely new partner, and 6 years ago they asked me not to contact them anymore. I was "not a good enough person" to be their only child. Over the years I've had angry and taunting phone messages and letters from my parents, and they have also said very unkind things about me to other family members. Unfortunately this has also isolated me from all my family on my mother's side. Has anyone else experienced this? Rejection from parents as the only surviving sibling? On one level I understand that my parents' actions come from their grief, and are based on emotions - mainly anger - and are not rational, i.e. not due to anything I've done. However I feel that 7 years ago I not only lost my beloved sister and brother - I lost most of my family through my parents reactions to their own loss. My parents are now in their 70's I now have little or no expectations of them changing their attitude towards me. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:44:44 01/01/06 Sun I am sorry for your loss and sad to say that it is not unique. Your parents may be more open about their anger than some are, but it does happen. Such hostility is often associated with a survivor's guilt about something they did or did not do -- they are trying to externalize their own guilt feelings. I do not think this is the end of the relationship with them, but you may need space for awhile. Meantime, focus on taking care of and being a good parent to yourself. You've had a terrible loss, one that can rob life itself of meaning. Find a place, like a church or synagogue, where you can find a community of like-minded people and make good, in depth relationships, to help support you. When you have experienced more healing, you will be more able to handle the response of your parents. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Karen [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:45:23 01/03/06 Tue Pleasant, Thank you so much for your advice and kind wishes. Much appreciated. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: marie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:36:54 01/07/06 Sat i know how you feel, my family blame me for my younger brothers suicide. they told me recently i chose my husband over the family! my sons are 6years and 9 years old, the point i'm trying to make is my brother killed himself only in april 2004 (nearly 2 years ago). i have told my mum who i do love, but has been so difficult to leave me alone to give me space. they even have the cheek to upset other family members who speak to me or my husband. the funeral day was ruined by my father hassling me whilst there! flowers have been returned from his place of death by my other brother who is nothing but trouble, he told me i was not welcome at his place of death, or even in the family..... lots more has happened to, but too much to mention. so to answer your question your not alone. i hope your doing ok Karen, my heart goes out to you in a big way! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Karen [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:22:05 01/16/06 Mon Hi Marie, our situation sounds quite similar in many ways. Thanks so much for sharing yours with me. My father choose to say untruthful/hurtful things about me as part of my sister's eulogy. It feels to me that my parents expected my only role in my brother's and sister's death was as a support to them. They never acknowledged my loss. You will no doubt understand on a rational/intellectual level that in no way are you to blame for your brother's death. Or that you have 'chosen' anyone above anyone else. Especially as your husband and sons are 'family'. But these sorts of accusation are deeply wounding on an emotional level. I think I will carry the hurt of my parents' rejection for the rest of my life. But as time goes by, I find it easier to accept this situation, and just appreciate the joy I experience in other relationships. Karen [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: marie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:05:53 01/23/06 Mon thank you for posting yours too. it kind of helps to know i'm not on my own with family situations being as they are and you too are not on your own. what does not kill you makes you stronger so i hear! i think there could be some truth in that. you sound very kind, understanding and caring, it's a real shame your family did not realise it before they did and said what they have. i do agree though about carrying the rejection of parents, somehow you've given me some more strenth out without knowing. thank you for replying and you take care. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: <3 Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: michele [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:53:30 07/28/06 Fri Iam so sorry to even hear this , (i happend to come across this site through a friend.) however, i am a PARENT who lost a child.( a precious 8 yearold boy), when i read what you are going through with your parents it touches me in away that i feel for you so much , i understand the pain your parents are feeling to , but instead of carrying this anger they need to embrace you because you need support as much as they do , i have two daughters who i thank god above that i have them , without them i do not know how to get through each painful moment ,family is so important and if your parents should ever some how turn to you and comfort one another it will make the greif some how easier to endure ,beleive me i know how painful this is . i just want to express my heart felt thoughts to you all and i hope your parents some how see things the way i do , and that is to be there for one another . they need you as much as you need them , i wish you all peace and a much healing god bless you all and remember, our dear loved ones who left this world are with us and helping us to cope ...please take care ...sincerly ,michele [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Cheryl [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:51:53 07/27/06 Thu I cannot express how much this website has touched the pain in my heart since my younger brother's death. I have felt so alone in my grief. It is so true that just connecting with other people who have lost a sibling is a healing in itself. I find myself logging on everyday just to know that there are other people who understand. My younger brother died on 3/15/04. Actually we don't know what day he actually died. My mother and sister went to check on him after not hearing from him in 5 days. As they walked up to his apartment, they saw flies on the windows and smelled a foul odor. They called the police and the police confirmed their fears. His body was cremated within hours. My brother who was 49 years old was gone. In truth, my brother had been dying for 2 years. He was addicted to narcotics and was an alcoholic. He had been fired from his job as a civilian naval intelligence officer, his wife had left him, he had gone bankrupt, and he had given up. He was living in a government housing area in the town where my parents and sister live. My family imploded on May 20 of this year. My family is so dysfunctional, our childhood was very difficult. My brother and I are 18 months apart and my sister is 11 years younger than me. My brother and I had a very special bond because of our childhood experience - he was my witness to what happened in our home and we survived together. We were army brats and moved about 15 times in 20 years. This also was an important part of our bond. On May 20, after we had attended my niece's graduation, we went to my parent's house and my mother told me that I did nothing for my brother the last year of his life and my sister physically assaulted me. My mother's behavior was all too familiar but my sister's totally blew me away. My father was there and did nothing, another pattern. On Monday of this week, I received a letter from my father - this is the first communication I have received since that day - no phone calls - nothing. He called what happed a "fuss" and did not know how it started. He also accused me of being under the influence of drugs or alcohol (I am a recovering alcoholic and addict). These past four days I have felt exactly like I did in the days and weeks immediately after my brother died. Until I read about secondary losses on this website I could not understand my feelings and was so appreciative of your message. It is a second death. I obviously cannot be with these people again. But these people are my father, mother and sister. I read somewhere that the death of a family member brings out the best and worst in families. This is about as bad as it gets. I felt so alone until I found this website Tuesday night. Whoever is responsible for creating this website is an angel. And I mean that literally for me. I cannot begin to express how comforted I am by your messages and life experiences. I felt so ashamed of my family and felt like I could not tell anybody about what happened. Your message was my message. I also feel like I have lost not just my brother but my entire family. As unhealthy and crazy as they are I still love them. I am sorry that this is so long but I just needed you to know me just as I feel like I know some of you. Thank you for sharing your grief - that is a healing for me that I will forever be grateful for. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Karen [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:12:04 07/28/06 Fri Dear Cheryl, I haven't been to this site for awhile and just read your message. Families do "implode" and are so often dysfunctional, and my experience is that this is often kept hidden i.e. something family members don't speak about or share. This can be very isolating, as talking about parents that reject you or have behaved very badly towards you is often not understood / easily accepted. My brother was a drug addict and alcoholic and I feel it is all too easy for other family members to blame individuals for these tragic problems. My heart goes out to you that your own family are using any problems you've had as a weapon against you. I think it is to avoid talking about what are really at the heart of the issues you've described in your family. That has been my experience. That the real issues that "imploded" my family were avoided, by my parents constantly blaming and being angry about other, trivial matters. There were never any authentic conversations about the deep hurt and emotions that were at the heart of broken relationships. Do take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who share their love and themselves with you openly. Sometimes the people who you think should love you the most, hurt you the most. And others whom you have little expectation of, are the ones who are most generous and open with their feelings for you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
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Author: Melissa [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:33:36 08/30/06 Wed Karen, I am so sorry for your losses. My brother died 15 days ago and my parents have now "disowned" me. I can't help but hate them for it. I would love to chat with you privately. eastcoastleftcoast@yahoo.com Melissa [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: Liz [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:13:01 07/05/06 Wed I've been looking for a site to go. Somewhere that I'm not just by myself in my feeling of loss after losing my brother and my sister.(not at the same time) Sometimes I wonder of I will ever get over losing them. I also wonder or feel like I shouldn't get over them, because if I get over the fact that they are gone then I've gotten over the fact completely that I will never see or touch them again. My heart cries every day for them. I don't cry every day anymore and I can carry on a conversation about them without crying now, but it's so hard sometimes. There was once 5 of us (my sister, the oldest, 3 brothers and then me), now it's me and 2 brothers. I love them dearly, me and my siblings have always been close, but now I feel alone and more alone every day. I often think about my time to go, I don't really believe in heaven or hell, I believe that our souls go to another place, but I wonder where that place might be and when I go will we meet up? Strange, I know, I just miss both of them so very much, sometimes the pain is so bad, I just want it to go away. So I guess what I'm getting at is that no one can tell you that you have morned enough. Its been 6 years for my brother and 4 years for my sister. I will never get over that loss, but I will be able to go through my life atleast being able to share the memories I have of them and one day maybe we will meet again. I can't wait for that. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:08:51 07/07/06 Fri Dear Liz, Grief is lonely, you are certainly right about that. Right now it seems like your grief is neverending. The pain is actually physical at times. You wonder if you have grieved enough--don't worry, you will never forget the ones you loved. You can still love them and remember them. Losing two siblings is particularly difficult because of the way the grief comes and goes. You have two birthdays and two angel dates that might cause your feelings to re-surface. When this happens, you need to be especially good to yourself. There are several people here who have lost two siblings so we do understand. Come back and visit again soon. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: ? Re: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: N from Connecticut [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:27:54 07/27/06 Thu I also lost both a brother (2 yrs ago) and a sister (11 years ago). Both committed suicide. This leaves me as an only child. My sister had suffered with depression for a long time but with my brother we weren't aware of any serious problems. I am still dumb founded. I am suffering from some anxiety as I am so afraid of losing anyone else close to me. Suicide is such a stigma. Also, everyone assumes when you are in your early 40's, you couldn't have lost any siblings to death yet! I am blessed with a loving husband and our three children, but I miss having my own siblings. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:19:40 08/01/06 Tue Dear N, I can't imagine what you have experienced, losing both siblings to suicide. That feels like such a rejection--no wonder you fear losing others close to you. I'm glad you visited us and hope you will check back from time to time. We had an experience of suicide in our family, my husband's brother. At first I was so angry but I came to believe that he was not himself when he did it--as they say, "the balance of his mind was disturbed"--he didn't really want to leave us. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of a brother | |
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Author: Melissa [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:21:06 08/30/06 Wed Liz, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother 15 days ago. I cry all the time - at work, at the bank, wherever. My parents have also (now) disowned me. Foolish. I was the only child left. This grief is far more than I can bear. I feel like ending it all, but feel my brother would not want me to do that. Help - anyone? A good book to read that is not religious? LIz, please contact me at my email address if you'd like to talk. Another Sad Sister... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: two years later...an update | |
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Author: Brianne [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:18:15 06/29/05 Wed I have survived two years since my sisters death in the Grand Teton National Park. At times it certainly felt like 'surviving' was the only thing I was doing. Its weird to look back on the past two years and realize that life really does go on after a siblings death. Its like one day I realized just how much my life had moved forward. I have now graduated from college, travelled the world doing missions work, worked with Habitat for Humanity, and so much more. It really does get better. I am now just two months away from starting my first job as a High School English Teacher. Her two year anniversary came and went pretty uneventfully. I was so focused on not showing any emotion on that day. I learned that this can be a big mistake. I needed to let myself grieve on this day and I didn't. Its a continual learning process and there really are no definate answers and no one right way to do things. Anyway, I wanted to post a little update. I hope this can be an encouragement to anyone out there who is just beginning their grief journey. I have found that the pain never goes away, it does get easier, and I have to be real with myself and my emotions. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: two years later...an update | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:58:09 06/29/05 Wed Brianne, It is good to hear from you and I am impressed with all you have accomplished in two years. You also stated so clearly what many of us struggle to put into words. How we live with the pain dulled by the passing years, but at the same time move on with our lives. Also, you are so right about not trying to over control emotions and grief. I am often surprised by my flaring emotions during significant anniversaries and then sometimes they pass almost uneventfully. But not one passes that I do not wake up and think of my brother or sister. I believe that your posting will be a source of comfort for those who are struggling with the early raw emotions of loss. Take care of yourself, Brianne and let us know how your teaching career progesses. Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: two years later...an update | |
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Author: No name (empathy) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:44:04 08/09/06 Wed Brianne, I have been reading your posting and the other postings and most of them made me cry. I too lost my sister about 1 month and 5 days ago. She died on July 4, 2006. She had her 48th birthday on March 20 this year. She had a long battle with cancer and although our family got to say our goodbyes at the hospice, I still feel like I didn't say enough. We were only a year apart. We were very close. She was my big sis. I have 2 younger brothers and a younger sister. I am so thankful for having had her for so many years in my life. I know I am a much better person because of her. There were so many happy and funny memories of our childhood, teen years and adult years together. It's been very difficult. I am having a hard time coping, but I do have a lot of support from my husband and my 2 teenaged children. One of my brothers, the one after me has been trying to help me through my grief. He had a different relationship with our sister because he was 2 years younger than she was, but we miss her so much nonetheless. My sister and I would call each other up almost simultaneously because we hadn't spoken for a few days. We would almost think telepathically at times. It seemed so coincidental when we would do things like pick up the phone at the same time and begin to call each other. I do feel like I lost a part of me when she died. I have been to a grief counsellor and feel that has helped, but I am also reading Destiny of Souls by Michael Newton. It has also been helping me through this. I want to thank you for giving me a glimpse into the future. I see that it does get easier with time. I guess time does heal. I have pictures of my sister along the mantel and by the computer. She's even on my fridge. I often look at these and sometimes begin to cry. I know the pain is very fresh and I expect it will take a long, long time, but at least I know she is in a better place now, where there is no more pain and suffering. Her soul is now at peace. Thank you for letting me share and thank you for sharing. Peace and Healing to you. Shirley [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: two years later...an update | |
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Author: Cara (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:34:14 08/11/06 Fri Shirley, I immediately took notice of your message to Brianne because I lost my 39 year old brother to cancer on July 4th (my birthday) this year and his birthday is March 20th. It was a little ironic to see your message and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about your sister. I understand when you say your grief is so fresh as I cannot believe my brother has only been gone a month and it seems like I cannot remember my life before he got cancer. It does feel like the pain will never get better and I also feel like I have to be strong for the rest of my family. It feels like you lose your identity when your sibling dies. I hope it gets easier..... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: two years later...an update | |
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Author: Shirley (empathy) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:55:46 08/27/06 Sun Hi Cara, I was just checking the web and noticed your reply. That is an ironic coincidence with the dates. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Thank you for your message. It helps when you know that others share the same feelings. I know it will take a long, long time to heal. I agree with you when you say that you lose your identify when a sibling dies, especially if they were very close to you. It must be difficult for other people to understand if they have not been in this situation before. After all, there are so many, many, memories of our siblings that even their spouses or significant others would not have or share. I am continuing to see a grief counsellor and will be going back to work tomorrow. I will have to see how that goes. Until then, I wish you peace and healing thoughts. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: No direction.... | |
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Author: Katie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:47:46 08/23/06 Wed I have just recently lost my older sister, Sarah. She passed away a little less then a month now. She was only 23 and her birthday is Sep. 16. We still don't know the cause of death. She passed away in her sleep, after which seemed to only have the flu. She didn't live with my parents and I anymore. I'm having a really hard time because, it's hard to believe. I feel a part of me is missing. I'm so young myself and yet I have to take care of my parents all by myself. My friends try to help but, none of them understand the loss of a sibling. My sister and I had our problems with another cause we shared the same room our whole lives but, we were working through them. I thought we would have time to become closer then what we were. I only wish I could have been there with her. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: No direction.... | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:19:32 08/27/06 Sun Dear Katie, I am so terribly sorry about the inexplicable death of your sister. She was so young, and not knowing the cause of death makes it much more difficult to comprehend. This just happened, your grief is so fresh, you were close in age and shared a room at one time, and her birthday is just around the corner, all reasons for you to take very good care of yourself right now. In time, you will feel different--although you will never go back to the way you were--but right now you need all the loving care that you can give yourself. Be with people who care about you, do things you enjoy--just waking up each day and getting dressed is a success. Let us know how you are doing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: No direction.... | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:29:09 08/27/06 Sun [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: To Stephanie | |
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Author: Peg [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:51:00 08/15/06 Tue I'm so sorry about your brother--it hurts so much. Please please go to either the Bereaved Parents or Compassionate Friends group--so many people have been helped by these groups. You will find that your heart will stay open when you are with others who have had exactly the same loss. It sounds like you were very close and got along well--I'm sure that gives you comfort and good memories. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: two brothers and a sister | |
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Author: Heidi [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:11:51 08/15/06 Tue On june 6 2006 I lost my third sibling to a heartattack at age 47, my big brother. In 1981 I lost a brother, and in1997 my sis to cancer. And my only remaining brother was in a car wreck only to survive with brain damage in 1998. I was the yougest of five. Can sombody please tell how to get through this? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: two brothers and a sister | |
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Author: Peg [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:45:04 08/15/06 Tue Dear Heidi, Wow, you have sure been through the wars--life is really not fair, is it? My heart goes out to you in this. I went through a period where my mom died, then my dad, my aunt, and my best friend all within a few months. I wanted to curl up in a corner somewhere and not come out. It takes courage to go on living, for all of us. Remember that you might not know why, but you don't have to know why--you can trust that someone wiser than us DOES know and is supporting you. If you haven't already done so, I suggest you see your doctor to get help with medication, and also to get into a real life support group. Its so hard to be alone with this. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Radio Talk Show | |
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Author: Dr. Pleasant Gill White, PhD [Edit] |
Date Posted: 04:17:06 08/12/06 Sat Hello Everyone, I want you all to know that I will be interviewed on the show "Healing the Grieving Heart" which is sponsored by the Compassionate Friends organization on August 17th, this Thursday. The show will be aired at 9AM Pacific Time on the following stations CHICAGO: WKKD-AM 1580 & WMCW-AM 1600 BOSTON: WBNW-AM 1120 RICHMOND, VA: WTOX-AM 1480 MONTEREY/ SANTA CRUZ, CA: KOMY-AM 1340 If you don't live in one on those places you can call the toll free number at 866-472-5792 to listen in. The shows can also be downloaded at healingthegrievingheart.org I will be talking about my book, Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother. If you want to call in with a question or comment, dial 1-866-472-5792 at about 9:15 to 9:30 am. Pleasant [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Radio Talk Show | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:20:32 08/13/06 Sun Hello All, This is a fantastic step that Pleasant is taking for all of us. She is helping to get our stories heard and in turn this will help others that will follow in our path. Eventually we all lose a sibling if we do not die first. I visited the website that Pleasant posted and was able to find the following blurb about the show... "9 AM - “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley Healing After the Death of a Sister or Brother Dr. Pleasant Gill White is a counselor in Missouri, specializing in sibling loss. She has recently written a book called “Sibling Grief: Healing After the Death of a Sister or Brother”. In the book she draws on her own personal experience of losing a 13 year old sister to cancer when she was 15. The book also contains clinical experience, research, and wisdom from hundreds of bereaved siblings. Dr. White is the director of The Sibling Connection a non-profit organization whose mission is to provide resources to bereaved siblings. Her writing and interviews have appeared in Compassionate Friends newsletters, sibling loss books, and numerous magazines." I hope that many of you have the chance to listen in live, if not they do broadcast later online. It has been awhile since I've been able to post, but know that my heart is still hear with all of you. Unfortunately my health has not permitted me to be very active as of late. Bless all of you, I hope you find solace through your reading and connections you make here on our site. Take care all, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: To many accidents | |
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Author: Emily (Depressed) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:02:13 08/04/06 Fri 3years ago i lost my grandmother in a car wreck, My mom has been in two serious vehicle accidents (she broke her neck in one and her back in another), my little brother wrecked on a moterbike and spend 4 days in ICU and a week in pediatrics, and My 21 year old brother was just killed July 11th 2006 in a motercycle accident. He slammed into a pole and it killed him instantly. I live 1200 miles away from all my family and go to college. I feel like i should have been there for my family that night and i wasn't, i had to sit by myself scream. I am only 20 and he was my only real brother. Me and him did everything together growing up and i would have never expected to see my brother dead. First at his funeral i wasn't going to look at him but i felt like if i didn't look i would regret i later in life and always wonder. I still hasn't hit and now i am back away from my family and feel like i have no one to talk to. My whole life my dad and grandpa were upsessed about my brother, to them girls weren't important. Now that he is gone they have tryed to get me back but i just want them to leave me alone. My dad has appologised to me for this but i am still distant. My whole body aches and my head hurts, i don't drink and i don't do any drug besides coffee. All i want is someone who can relate and i was very happy to find this site. I have a wonderful mom and step dad, i think they help but know one really understands the relationship between siblings. Except all of you!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: To many accidents | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:15:01 08/07/06 Mon Dear Emily, You have been through a terrible time, and not being there has made it harder for you. I am glad that you are reaching out and trying to find others who understand. Hopefully, you will get through this and come out of it a stronger person, able to help others. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. Meanwhile, spend some time taking care of yourself. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: death of brother | |
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Author: Justin [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:51:47 01/29/06 Sun I've just discovered this site and I am so glad--for the first time it feels like someone understands what I am going through. My brother was killed in a car wreck three months ago and it has been agonizing. I was on vacation in Florida when it happened and I rushed home to be with my parents, who are devastated. I helped with all the funeral and stuff and was numb at first, but now I am really feeling it--how can I go on working like this? I wasn't satisfied with what I learned about the accident--two people were in the car with him and they survived. They were drinking and I can't help myself, I feel suspicious about how the accident happened and I am so angry that they lived and he didn't. He was only 24 years old--this shouldn't have happened. I am 30--he had just started to get mature enough that we could have a better relationship. I don't know why I'm writing this but it feels better to tell someone. Thanks for the site. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: death of brother | |
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Author: LINDA [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:56:54 01/29/06 Sun HI I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BROTHER I TOO RECENTLY LOST MY LIL BROTHER WHOM WAS 20 YEARS OLD HE WAS KILLED IN A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY, WHEN ALL HE WAS TRYING TO DO WAS PROTECT OUR HOME FROM BEING INVADED BY GUYS WHOM ALL HAD WEAPONS, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT NOT FEELING WHAT YOU KNOW IS ENOUGH I FIND MYSELF EVERYDAY ASKING QUESTION TO MY BROTHER, TO GOD, TO THOSE THREE GUYS THAT MURDERED HIM, AND MOST OF ALL TO MYSELF. I NEVER THOUGHT LOSING A SIBLING WOULD BE SO HARD BUT IN A STRANGE WAY WE COMPLETE EACH OTHER, AND LOSING ONE ANOTHER IS LIKE LOSING A PART OF OUR HEARTS AND SOULS. IT HAS ONLY BEEN A MONTH SINCE MY BROTHER WAS KILLED AND I STILL FEEL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY, AND YES I AM NOT GOING TO LIE, GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE IS HARD I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY AT WORK AND AT SCHOOL. THE ONE THING I TRY TO KEEP IN MIND IS MY BROTHER DIED TRYING TO PROTECT OUR HOME AND MY FAMILY AND ME NOT GOING ON WITH MY LIFE WOULD ONLY MAKE HIS DEATH IN VAIN SO FOR HIS MEMORY I TRY EVERYDAY TO GET OUT OF BED AND TRY TO ACT AS IF EVERTHING IS NORMAL BUT I THINK IN ALL REALITY IT WILL NEVER BE NORMAL SOMEWHERE IN OUR HEARTS WE WILL ALWAYS CARRY THE QUESTIONS AND LOVE WHICH STAY IN OUR HEARTS, MINDS, AND SOULS EACH DAY. I TRY TO TELL MYSELF THIS SAYING EVERY MORNING IT MIGHT HELP IT HELPS ME GET THROUGH THE DAY SOMETIMES.."MY LIL BROTHER MAY PHYSICALLY BE GONE BUT HE SPIRIT IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN" I HOPE I HELPED A LITTLE FEEL FREE TO WRITE BACK I AM HERE FOR THE SAME REASONS AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT PEOPLE DEALING WITH THE SAME THING CAN BRING A LITTLE EASE TO YOUR PAIN. TAKE CARE. BYE. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: death of brother | |
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Author: Zoe [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:06:45 02/01/06 Wed Hey Justin, I'm sorry about your brother, your loss is so recent too so just take it slow, one day at a time, I know what you mean about being numb, I lost my brother nearly 5 years ago when he was only 22 and I remember how numb I was in the beginning, it didn't hit me for a long time, I just pretended it wasn't happening. I understand you wanting answers and I understand the hole thats there and feeling angry that the others survived and he didn't, I often feel angry that my brothers friends are still here having distanced themselves completely from us, with dead-end jobs, and and not much of a life to be proud of whereas he had just finished his degree and was doing so well, none of it makes sense. I hope you get some comfort from this site, places like this are few and far between and it really does help to talk to others that understand. Take care, Zoe [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: death of brother | |
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Author: Justin [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:16:57 02/01/06 Wed to Zoe, Linda, John and everyone, I read somewhere that when you lose a brother or sister, that you have joined the the club no one wants to belong to--but I'm glad you are all there. No one else can really understand. It is really hard to figure out why one person dies and another one lives--sometimes I think it must be that they still have something they have to learn. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: death of brother | |
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Author: Zoe [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:58:56 02/01/06 Wed Yeah I totally agree with that quote, it is so true. You gain such insight and depth that you never even knew existed from belonging to such a group, yet you never would have wished to join. I am such a different person now to what I was, just the whole way I think and everything, it totally changes your perspective on life. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: death of brother | |
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Author: Joanne [Edit] |
Date Posted: 00:24:28 04/17/06 Mon Justin, your comments sum up the experience of all here who have told of their loss of a sibling. Though I have held to faith that, through the mercy of God, my younger brother would be healed, given more time on this earth, he died on March 28 of this year. <P> I am so very sorry for those who have lost their brother or sister at a young age. Age does not remove the pain. He had just turned 64. He enjoyed life, dealt with the problems, and wanted to live. Some may think I and my youngest brother are fortunate to have had Joe with us for all these years and they would be right. Yet, as siblings, we are not complete without him...the fun together, our mutual memories of life growing up, of our parents, etc., etc. It's traumatic at any age, but being older, we've had ample experience of losing relatives to death. We've already had to get through the deaths of Dad and Mother. Little brother is something else, but we gain strength over the years that we didn't have when we were young. Just a word to all who have lost siblings at a young age. You will survive these devastating losses and you will become stronger people if you deal with them in the right way. Don't let ANYTHING weaken you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: death of brother | |
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Author: Lee Ann [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:13:17 07/02/06 Sun So glad I found this site tonight. Thank you all for sharing about your losses...it helps me greatly. I lost my bother 5 years ago today. He was 36 and I was 33. Funny how most of my memories though are of when we were kids! I count my / his blessings...but sometimes they are not enough; they include that he died in his sleep of a heart attack, so no pain; he was an organ donor; when he passed his wife was 7 mos pregnant with thier first child...so he left me an Angel named Sarah. And I learned that every day is a gift...but my heart still breaks. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> [> Subject: :~( Re: death of brother | |
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Author: mindy minard (hope) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:02:01 07/17/06 Mon thanks for the hope that life does go on after loss i am 26 and my 24 year old brother died 7-04-06 of an accidental prescription drug overdose it is hard i don't want to go back to college or work it is hard to take care of my two kids and face life i am sad and depressed and trying to keep the focus off myself and worse things going on in the world thanks for the support and being here so people like myself can identify with others who have experienced that same thing God bless!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> [> [> [> Subject: :~( Re: death of brother | |
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Author: dre (sad) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:31:49 07/26/06 Wed I'm 29 and my 22 year old brother died on 7-12-06. We're not sure of exactly how, because are still waiting on toxicology reports, but we believe he died of an accidental pain medication overdose after injuring himself on his new motorcycle. He may have died from the injuries, but we may never know as police did not do full autopsy. I don't have children, but have to figure out how to take care of myself, my other younger siblings and the rest of my family, including my better half who was very close to my brother. I'm in grad school and hold a teaching assistantship, and am not sure how I am going to be able to handle these responsibilities. Guess all we can do is try to keep on keeping on. It is good to have these message boards and chats etc. as resources at a time when I feel so alone. Take care! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: To Mindy | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:52:40 07/20/06 Thu Dear Mindy, I am so sorry about the death of your brother. Your grief is still fresh, so it is a struggle to accomplish day to day tasks. It does get easier, believe me. It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate with college, children, and work--please be gentle on yourself and take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing. Author: mindy minard (hope) [Edit] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date Posted: 22:02:01 07/17/06 Mon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thanks for the hope that life does go on after loss i am 26 and my 24 year old brother died 7-04-06 of an accidental prescription drug overdose it is hard i don't want to go back to college or work it is hard to take care of my two kids and face life i am sad and depressed and trying to keep the focus off myself and worse things going on in the world thanks for the support and being here so people like myself can identify with others who have experienced that same thing God bless!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: To Mindy | |
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Author: JEN (THIS IS TO MINDY) [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:43:22 07/24/06 Mon Hi Mindy I can't find your original post I am so sorry to hear of your brother...I lost my brother 3-19-04 to an accidental overdose...He was also 24... We were the only siblings...I am 5 years older and he was everything ot me...I didn't want to get out of bed either..I had a child to take care and I didn't think I could do it..On top of struggling with my own grief I had to deal with my mom going into the mental hospital caused by the shock of losing my brother and finding him dead sitting on his bed....I know how hard it is...But things get better..Me and mom and dad all say we cannot believe we made it through it but we did.....He left behind a daughter and it makes it so much harder knowing she is hurting.... We will be forever lost without my brother but the pain is lifting and we are looking forward to seeing him again in heaven...Peace Jen [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: To LeeAnn | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:21:26 07/05/06 Wed Hi LeeAnn, Thanks for visiting and leaving a message. I'm sorry about your brother's death but glad that you have wonderful memories of your shared childhood. Yes, even after 5 years, it still hurts. It sounds like you are a compassionate, warm person. Hope you will visit with us again. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Reaching Out | |
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Author: Rebecca [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:21:37 06/03/06 Sat About a year and a half ago, my older 38 year old brother was killed in a single car accident on his way home from work. It has been one of the most significant and difficult experiences of my life. To compound things, his only six year old boy, my nephew was walking across the street with another seven year old girl last August when both children were struck, trapped, and killed by an automobile. There have been other significant losses, too. It's like grief piled on top of grief, but the loss of my brother is the primary event around which everthing else seems to swirl. This past memorial day weekend seems to have triggered the grief for me, as well as the serendipitous string of events that led me to find a book about sibling grief, and subsequently, this web site. I am so grateful. These resources have helped me to be okay with acknowledging how incredibly significant my brother was to me, inspite of all of the experiences around me that feel like pressure to not feel like it should be a very significant experience--the pressure to move on with life, to be there for others, when I just still don't have the energy or capacity to do that. It's a weird paradox that does leave a person feeling very alone: no one in my community knew my brother, and I can't get passed the block of not wanting to be around large groups of people anymore. My absence from previous social circles makes me the center of attention when I do show up, so that I don't even want to bother. In my family, I am the only child, now, and my parents have been able to carry on. It's not that they don't talk about it, but it doesn't seem to have impacted them with the same significance that I feel. My close friends have certainly been there for me, and they are certainly there to listen, but I feel guilty about always talking about the loss of my brother, or the centrality that the loss of his earthly presence is in my life. I have been taking pretty good care of myself, so I guess this is just an effort to reach out to others who might have experienced something similar, and who might understand....a way for me to try to continue to understand and work through this, every so incredibly slowly, it seems. If you happen to read and respond to my bit of story, thank you. Rebecca [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Reaching Out | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:20:50 06/03/06 Sat Dear Rebecca, You have had a terrible loss and healing is definitely going to take time. My heart goes out to you after losing both your brother and his son so close together in time, both of them so young. Being left an only child now and being surrounded by people who didn't know your brother makes it especially difficult -- probably the greatest challenge you will ever face. I'm glad you found your way here--we have all had a loss and understand the difficulties caused by people who don't realize how significant the death of a sibling can be. Thanks for your kindness in sharing your story here. I hope you will come back and let us know how you are doing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Reaching Out | |
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Author: Lee Ann [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:59:59 07/02/06 Sun Rebecca, I share your sorrow and pain. I understand your email and until I found this site tonight, wasn't sure anyone knew HOW I felt. I lost my only older brother Steve 5 years ago today. He left behind his wife who was 7 mos pregnant at the time with htier first child and I was 5 mos pregnant then. boy - we were quite a sight in the receiving lines...with bellies out to kingdom come! I too worry about my parents, as I curse my brother sometimes that now I am the one who will care for them alone! Fortunately I do have a supportive and wonderful husband, but I still curse at Steve! So I write to tell you that you are not alone, that it is ok to talk about your brother...if those around you can't understand it...THEY will have to work on that. with sympathies and prayers, feel free to write. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Death of my sister | |
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Author: Christina [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:14:22 09/24/05 Sat My sister Michele passed away Sept. 15 2005 10 days ago to a 14 month battle with lymphoma cancer. She was diagnosed a month after her wedding. She was 28 I'm 32 and she was my only sibling. I miss her so much, I look at her pictures every day and I think "God why her and not me she just got married and just became a teacher and wanted kids." I'm not married nor do I want kids at this time, I would have traded spots with her any day. We were suppose to help eachother get through the loss of my parents when the time comes. And when god takes my folks I will be all alone. I was so looking forward to being the aunt of her kids. God this pain hurts so much. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Death of my sister | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:44:15 09/24/05 Sat Hi Christina, I am so sorry for your loss of your sister, Michele. The pain of loss does hurt, emotionally and physically. You have found a site where all of us can relate to losing a sibling. But it must be very hard to lose your only sibling. I only have one brother left, as my sister and another brother have passed on. My greatest fear is losing my remaining brother, Rob. On this site that Pleasant created for us, you will find support from other siblings that have had similar experiences. We share resources, relate to each other, offer advice,and just listen to each other. None of us have the ultimate answer to grieving or healing, since it is so personal for each of us. But all of us can relate to the pain and mixture of emotions that we have had to deal with because of losing our siblings. Many times we find that people around us grow impatient with us and expect us to just "get over it and move on". Some people think that losing a sibling is not as bad as losing a partner, spouse, or child. Here we do not compare loss of loved ones and which is worse. Here you will find there is no time limit on your emotions and no one will chastise you for the feelings that you express. Usually you will find someone that has sustained a similar loss. I know that there are others on this site that have lost their only siblings, hopefully one will read your post and reach out to you. Remember that many of us feel like you and wonder why God didn't take us instead of our siblings. I felt that way when my sister, Norma died. She was 13 and I was 11. She was so talented, smart, and beautiful. She wanted to grow up to be a nurse, marry, and have a family. I felt that she had so much more to offer the world. Guess it is not up to us to decide when God takes us. Christina, please write back if you feel like it and let me know how you are doing. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Death of my sister | |
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Author: heather [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:24:37 06/21/06 Wed i lost my sister in april of this year due to a drunk driving accident. it was on the news and in the paper about the poolhall being shut down and people were arrested. i need help if anyone knows of some supportgroups please let me know--jellybean0280@yahoo.com thank you [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Death of my sister | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:36:06 06/22/06 Thu Hello Heather, It must be very difficult to lose your sister to a drunk driver and then have to watch the news story as well. I am glad that you have found us and are reaching out. Have you looked at the support section of this site? There is a link to an organization called Compassionate Friends. They have online resources and they have meetings in some areas. Your loss is still very new, so be gentle with yourself and write again if you want, Heather. You have found a safe place to talk with other siblings that will offer support. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:05:12 05/23/05 Mon Tomorrow is my brother's birthday (29th birthday). He died on 11th June 2004. He was a doctor and died after contracting an infection while treating a patient. It was a prolonged and painful death over a period of 3 months and i watched it every single day. Almost every organ in his body had failed. Ever since that happened.....i have changed for myself. For the rest of the world i am alright. I eat, breath and live by most standards. I am a 23 year old girl and am studying for my masters. But i have become increasingly obsessed with death. I feel guilty for surviving - 'he was better than me' has become my life mantra. We were very close. I cannot sleep well for nights together and then the exhaustion gets to me. Then i am able to sleep for a few nights till the cycle begins again. I smoke and drink....with deliberation.....i go on prescription pills popping spree. my self esteem is 0. I hate god and am filled with bitterness about life about relationships and everything. I hate the fact that practically none of my friends supported me in this hard time. I am going nuts because of this guilt and all these other emotions i have to deal with. Its so exhausting. When my brother was around i was known as a mature and responsible girl....he was my idol. Please help me. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:37:38 05/23/05 Mon Hi, Sounds like you need to stop the world for a short time and find someone to talk to about your feelings. Some of your behaviors and acting out are signs of grief that you have not dealt with. It is important to find someone that will listen and help you through this time in your life. Many of us also felt that our siblings were better and feel guilty about being the ones that are still here. Please reach out to someone and let me know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 01:32:46 05/24/05 Tue Hi Mary Thanks for your help. I have been in counselling for the past year and i have my good days and my bad days. But i feel guilty whenever i get any reason for feeling real happiness and that is followed by some sort of self destructive behaviour. There is some part of me that feels panicky during the better days in life because i think i might actually end up forgetting my brother. i am trying hard to live .....its just so difficult and i miss him so much. Thanks once again [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:20:43 05/26/05 Thu Yes, I remember the few good days along with many bad ones after losing my sister and then my brother. My sister died when I was young over 30 years ago and my brother died over six years ago. Now I have mostly good days, but I do still have flashes of grief at times like their birthdays and death days. Trust me, you will never forget your brother. It is hard not to feel guilty when you are having a good day and then remember that he is gone. Please remember that your brother would want you to be happy. It takes time to be okay, but keep seeing someone. Talking about your loss will help you. Write again when you feel like it and let me know how you are doing. Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Jo Jo [Edit] |
Date Posted: 14:26:44 05/01/06 Mon I totally understand what you are going through. On Jan 2,2000. I lost my older sister suddenly she was only 26 years old. I also lost my brother Feb 2, 2006 suddenly. I have ok days and real bad days. The police still don't know if it was suicide or murder for my brother. My son is 5 will be 6 in july he is having nighmares about his uncle, he never got to meet his aunt. When something does seem to go good in my life i feel guilty if i actually allow myself to enjoy it. I just try to put my faith in God and ask for his help EVERYDAY!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 08:59:31 07/05/05 Tue you should email me. i have been going through a very similar experience. i'm 27 and my brother died 20 months ago at 23 of a rare sudden disease. i live in nyc and try to continue life as best i can but it's very hard. i don't relate to most of my friends anymore. my brother was my hero. he doesn't deserve this and neither do my parents or i. nothing makes me happy and nothing makes me feel better. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 02:10:30 05/09/06 Tue Dear Friend, I would like to tell you a bit about my situation before I begin. I lost both my brothers before the age of 30 (I am now 31). I am the youngest and only girl in the family. My eldtest brother contracted an infection after an operation and I also watched him die a slow and painful death over 78 days. He was connected to a ventilator and eventually died of multiple organ failure two days after I gave birth to my little boy. It seemed so unreal as our family could not believe this was once again happening to us! My middle brother died while I was pregnant with my first child and I almost lost my baby when this happened. Immediately after I had my second child and Johan died, I had myself sterilized, I believed I was bringing bad luck by being pregnant. My eldest brother died in 2004 and I still struggle with the grief. Each time I think I'm over his death, I would get a day like today and totally fade to grey! I probably would also have given myself over to alcohol and tabs if it was not for having to look after my kids. I sometimes found it so hard to be a mother when I felt like being a total bitch - excuse my french. I had a friend with whom I've been friends with since first grade. She started ignorning me, not being there for me. Ironically, she asked for my forgiveness when her husband was diagnosed with Cancer. We became friends again and he died two months ago - I am now the only one who stands by her, who understands her pain. Our other friends are totally ignorant of her, because they don't know what to say. Today I understand that it's not because they don't want to be there, it just that they don't know how you feel and cannot deal with it. I had to forgive my best friend for doing that, and are today so grateful that I have. I know I have wished for someone close to her to die also so she could feel how lonely I felt. Today, I regret that, it's just strange how life turns out... My heart goes out to you and your brother would not want you to "ruin" your life if he could see you, I'm sure of that. But, a grieving person goes into a "self-destruction" mode. My advice to you, take it one day at a time and don't haunt yourself by looking at your future without your brother. One day at a time please.... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: MoonPixie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 01:32:49 04/19/06 Wed I lost my brother less than a month ago. March 22. It was very unexpected. He'd been HIV postive for more than ten years, and responded to meds very well. He was always pretty healthy. Then he got the flu. Couldn't get his temp down below 102. His doc sent him home. But his partner knew how sick he was. He probably suffered the most at home. By the time I got to the hospital, he had just gotten an x-ray and was consious. I could see the fear in his eyes, a look I'd never seen before, and I hope I never see him again. Before I left the room so they could get him all set up, I told him I loved him, which I often did, usually to a nod, he was very not affectionate. For the 2nd time in my life, he said "I love you." Those were the last words I ever heard him say. He was then sedated, and they found pneumonia in both lungs, a staph infection in his blood, and eventually, his kidney stopped, his bone marrow stopped making blood, then he was in multiple irreversable organ failure. He was surrounded by love when he went, 10 family members were standing around him and talking to him as they took out the breathing tube. He was sick enough, he went in about 2 minutes. I'll never fourget anything of that. I feel like my entire life has stopped, but the world around me is still spinning. I can't even explain the bond I have with my brother and my mother. All our family is important, but us three were unbreakable. I did okay the first couple of weeks, I'm a complete wreck now. My mom is not around for support sometimes. She tries to run away, but then that leaves me here alone. If you've made it this far, thank you for your time. MoonPixie [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 12:56:38 04/21/06 Fri Hi Moonpixie, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I myself lost my brother a few months ago (February 17th)to Crohn's Disease. I was totally devastated when I found out. I am an only child now. I was back in school, my first quarter was so hard, I wanted to quit but I talked to my brother a few times and he told me that I could do it, and then during my second quarter just when things were going good I was just over a month away from graduating, and he passes away, I was so stunned and speechless, I took a week off from school, then my parents wanted and told me to go back to school, and to not let my grades fall, my boyfriend was a major supporter during this very difficult time in my life. Lossing my brother is the hardest thing I have EVER gone threw. I graduated on March 30th just 2 weeks after what would've been my brother's 32nd birthday. I did it for him. I never knew how much I loved my brother until he passed away. He passed away in his sleep. I saw him before the coroner got to take his body away, and it's an image I will never ever forget. I still have moments where I break down, just from seeing something he liked or hearing music on the radio that he liked. It will be hard, but just know there are people who know exactly what you are going through and they will be here anytime you need to talk. My brother meant more to me then I ever knew. I he will be missed forever. I hope you can find some comfort in this message. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Take care. Sheila [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Oo. Re: Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: MoonPixie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:34:45 04/25/06 Tue Thank you so much Sheila, you're message really helped me. And good for you for graduating in such a horrible time of life. You're brother is so proud of you! And I know what you mean about reminders. Last week my friend took me out to play pool and have a couple of drinks, to get me out, ya know... I was having fun, actually winning, LOL. Then "The Rose" by Bette Midler, and I totally lost it. He was a big fan, and when I went through my first "nervous breakdown" at 12, he took me to see Beaches every Sunday Midnight showing for about 3 mos., since I was ok when it was late and a dark movie theatre.Anyway, at the bar, I had to go into the bathroom and wait for the song to be over, and do the whole cold water on my face thing. (I've learned to wear very little make-up, if any, in the last few months.) And I can't watch and Star Trek or Star Wars because he was a fanatic. Even the beautiful spring days that are finally here bring me down sometimes because this is when we'd start having BBQs at my bro's. Scot died just shy of his 34th birthday. I was with him, as were alot of our family. It was a horrible 2 minutes to watch, but they assured us he wasn't in pain and didn't have any anxiety. It was a surreal thing... Having to make the choice, taking everybody's ideas. It was pretty one sided, but my Dad thought he's want to fight until there was absolutly no choice. Which, when the head of the ICU examined him, it turned out to be no chance. But they have to take him completly off of sedation and the paralytic, otherwise it classified as "murder". But he had plenty of Morphine and Adavant. But his lungs were 85% filled, so it was hard for us to watch. One of the hardest things right now for me is that I feel guilty if I don't think of him. Even though that's the only way I can feel half-way okay at the moment. Did you feel this way? Or am I weird? LOL, I am weird, but is it usual to feel guilty for not thinking about him 24/7? Thanks again for responding to me. Scot's little Sis [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:36:35 04/26/06 Wed I like try noto to think of my brother 24/7 too, but alot of times he just seems to slip into my brain. Everyday when I do things, I sometimes stop and think what would Tim have done or what would he do in this situation or what kind of smart ass remark would he have. When it happened and our family started coming over, I hated it, because he was my only sibling, and all the attention was on me, I kept hearing my family say to my parents and my boyfriend; keep a close eye on her, this is going to be very difficult for her, which to this date is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I just didn't want to hear that at all and I didn't want that attention (only if it is my birthday or my wedding, do I want that kind of attention), but I did write a poem about how I felt to Tim, I think it's still on here (just scroll down, it's should say something like, "Big Brother")just last November my docotr told me that I had some of the same symptoms as Crohns Disease (which is what Tim died from), so now I have to get tested for it. I put my email address on here if you would like to e-mail me personally and I would be more than happy to talk to you about this, and maybe send you some pictures of Tim. I hope you find some comfort in talking to me about this, because this sight sure has helped m so far. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. Love and Prayers Moonpixie, Sheila [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Jo [Edit] |
Date Posted: 03:12:14 03/13/05 Sun My situation is really different to everyone who has posted here. I am 42. My sister died 3 days before her 5th birthday when I was only 14 months old. It was only 2 years ago that I realised that it has had a huge impact on my life so far and have spent the time since this discovery dealing with many issues. Does anyone know of anywhere I can get info on this type of sibling death. I know I can't remember what happened as normal memories but I am now noticing lots of things that show me that I remember on a different level. That sounds a bit wierd but it is the only way I can explain it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:02:46 03/13/05 Sun Hi Jo, Actually what you say about remembering in a different way makes sense to me. I think that everything that we experience has an impact on us, even if we cannot consciously remember the event. One of the links on this page discusses the change in your family will impact you from birth to toddler stage. I also think that we retain very early memories, but since we did not have the language skill at the time to explain them they surface in different ways. For instance in dreams or feelings that somehow vaguely seem familiar but we are not quite sure why. Jo, I am sorry for your loss of your sister. I hope that another member of this site that has experienced a similar loss can help you with more information. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:22:21 03/13/05 Sun Hi Jo, I'm so sorry about your sister's death--you can only imagine how puzzled and confused you must have been to have her suddenly disappear. We know that such young children are very much aware that something is not right. I highly recommend that you read the book "Shadows in the Sun" by Betty Davies. One of the major complications of such an early loss is in the way you form attachments. If you want to know more about this, send me an email at info@counselingstlouis.net and I will send you more information. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Early loss of sibling | |
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Author: kram [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:01:42 03/21/05 Mon Jo, I read your note and found our history very similar. I was 5 mos old when my 3 yr old sister (a twin) fell into a river near our house and drowned. My parents never really discussed what happened that day but my mother died in Dec of 2004 (my father died years earlier) and I found news clippings, pictures, and some of my sister's personal effects tucked away. There is one particular photo of her, me, and my brother (her twin) taken about 2 weeks before her death. I find it incredibly sad to look at yet also marvel at how happy and beautiful everyone seemed. For about the last month, I have immersed myself in the details of her death and what it must have been like for my brother and my parents as well as her. I feel my mother never shared any of this with me to perhaps shield me from the overwhelming grief I feel lately. All this at 54 yrs of age! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: lossing a sister | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 23:07:28 03/31/06 Fri Loaing a sister is an unbelieveable loss. I was 43 at the time of her death (3 months ago and now I'm 44) and I am mourning the loss of the memories that will never be. I know there are times that I can't remember (I had moved in with her and since she was 7 years older then me I'm sure she had to do some reprimanding) and have been told that I will be upset and angry about the times we should have had in the future. I sometimes wonder why the heck I still cry but at least the days are better. I wasn't lacking the verbal skills when she passed but I did go into shock (it was a very unexpected death) and was not able to grieve like others. This lack of ability has caused me to have some unexplainable things but I know she is with me spiritually and I find some comfort in knowing she is still watching me. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Abby [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:43:23 04/14/06 Fri Hi Jo, Although I was older than you when my sister died (I was 10 and she was 18), I had always assumed that I simply wasn't impacted by her death because I was too young. What I discovered was that I was impacted in many different (significant) ways that I only began to realize a few years ago. I always thought that my worries and anxiety were "free floating" and had no idea it was the result of being traumatized at such a young age. That book "Shadows in the Sun" was very helpful and, although I haven't read it yet, there is another book that might be helpful. It's called The Body Remembers, by Babette Rothschild. I have only read the first few pages so far and it describes how you may not have a clear memory of a traumatic childhood event, but your "body remembers" and reacts accordingly. It's worth a try as there isn't a lot out there specifically related to the loss of a sibling in childhood. I think that is why this website has been so wonderful for so many people. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: Traci [Edit] |
Date Posted: 21:19:53 02/27/06 Mon Hello, My sister died from cancer six months ago--leaving three little kids--the oldest was 6. By the time they discovered her cancer it was already so far gone, they couldn't even operate. what is bothering me now is her husband and they way he acted before she died and now. At first I was stunned but now I am angry--he didn't even have the decency to stay with her when she was dying. It makes me so mad I could spit! I don't knowfor sure but I think he may have actually been seeing someone when she was sick. It makes it so hard for me to be nice to him when I visit the kids. I can't stop venting about this and I'm afraid my husband will get tired of it. I don't know what to do about this. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: Jason [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:55:50 03/01/06 Wed My brother and your sister must have died about the same time. It is terrible to watch their kids--I do know what you mean about that. My brother had just one little girl and she is so confused and doesn't know what is going on. It sounds like you are pretty mad--maybe that is your way of functioning now. What makes me mad is not having a definite diagnosis--if only we could give a name to what killed him. I hat e to say this but what if someone else gets it too? I guess we just have to live with all these feelings that we can't do anything about. I just wish I could DO something! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:50:56 04/03/06 Mon Dear Traci... I too have lost a sister to cancer. 9 monthe aco. She also has left behind 3 young kids and a husband. He too acted in a way that infuriated me and continues to do so. The day of her death when my mother called from the hospital to say he should come there quickly he replied that he will finish breakfast and then come. A week prior to her death when the doctors suggested stopping treatment he toyed with the idea of just letting her go and when they suggested she have limited vivitors I together with my other sister and father were on the list of those to not be allowed to see her. I flew off the handle and called him everything imaginable under the sun. In the final moments of her life he ordered everyone to leave her side and yelled obscenities. My father father, sister in law and my sisters best friend all fainted. I am an ambulance officer so I was expected to cope with the whole process and the aftermath. Now I am crumbling. I do not trust me husband. I think he too will act like my brother in law. I wander why I work so hard like my sister (she was a nurse) when I too will probably die at 37. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> [> Subject: Re: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:13:42 04/06/06 Thu It is almost unfathomable when people behave in this way --This is denial at its most rigid. I am so sorry that you had this experience. You wonder whether your husband will be like this too and whether you too will die young. Please know that 9 months is not a long time and eventually you will feel better and the anger will become less intense. I am glad that you wrote to us and hope you will let us know how you are doing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: Dawn [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:56:48 02/08/05 Tue Missing a Part of Me. I just read "Loss of an Adult Sibling" and if I can stop crying long enough I will tell you how much it hit home to read that. I wish more people would take the time to understand how to deal with people who have lost a loved one......I really really wanted to send that article to ALL the people in my life that told me to get on with my life and get over it after a short time......and to all the people who tried to "comfort" me with meanless Cliches' like, and this is the WORST......."I know how you Feel" OMG! I took that as an insult and total disrespect of my feelings. That is the worst thing anyone can ever say to someone who has lost someone they love. I would never want anyone to feel that kind of pain and to say they know how you feel is just a slap in the face. No they Don't and never could understand unless they themselves lost a loved one in the same tragic way. I miss my brother so very much, and I wish I could turn back time. He was only 29 years old and hit by a car while walking across a street. The car apparently came out of nowhere driven by a teenager on his cell phone. It's been 5 years now and I have gotten on with my life.....but there is never a day that I don't think about him and miss him and some days are better than others and some days are really really bad. He was the youngest of our family of 3 siblings....I'm the oldest and then there is my sister the middle child. His being gone has changed my whole familes dynamics, he was always the baby, and I was always the one that teased him and my sister was always the middle child........our whole identity's have been disrupted. I'm always fearful of something awful happening to someone else in my family now and I keep it all inside...... no one wants to hear these feelings or awful thoughts of death that I have..... I just want people to understand that grieving is a personal process for each invidual and there is no set time limit and no right or wrong way to feel. I think this article should be handed out at funerals and be required reading for anyone thinking they are there to comfort the family and pay their respects. This has been a comforting website for me to find. I guess I just wanted to vent my feelings a little bit. :o) Thanks to anyone who listened. Dawn [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 19:59:58 02/08/05 Tue Hello Dawn, Thanks for your kind words about my article. I have learned so much about adult sibling loss from the people who write in here. It sounds like your life was intertwined with your brother's in a way that made it hard to separate. It really upsets me when people seem to ignore how hard it is for siblings. Your brother's death was so senseless, and he was so young. No wonder you fear that something else might happen. It will take some time for you to trust in life again. I'm glad you did come here to vent your feelings and I hope you visit again. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: Denise G [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:56:33 02/09/05 Wed Hi, Dawn: I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. You and your family must be devastated to lose someone so young! I lost my younger sister (it was just 2 yrs ago on Monday)- she was 46 - it was sudden...a brain aneurysm; I know what you mean about people saying ridiculous things; I was floored by some of the comments made to me after my sister's death....like the day I went back to work, a woman said to me.........."all better now?" I wanted to scream at her and say, "What a stupid thing to say!!!! No, I'm not all better now and I never will be". But in my heart of hearts, I believe I was holding onto a lot of anger inside about the situation itself.......I came to the realization that it didn't matter what anybody said or didn't say.....my loss was profound - nobody would understand unless they've been through it; that's why I, too, was happy to find this board; I'm sorry that there are so many of us who have lost our siblings, but helped by the fact that there are many people out there struggling with the same issues that I am; It has made me a more compassionate person......a better listener, I hope. Sometimes there is nothing one can say - they just need to listen; It's a difficult topic & I think people say stupid things because they are not sure what to say or do; It doesn't make it any easier for us........but maybe a little easier to accept the thoughtless comments. Thanks for posting - I wish you peace! Denise G >Missing a Part of Me. >I just read "Loss of an Adult Sibling" and if I can >stop crying long enough I will tell you how much it >hit home to read that. > I wish more people would take the time to understand >how to deal with people who have lost a loved >one......I really really wanted to send that article >to ALL the people in my life that told me to get on >with my life and get over it after a short >time......and to all the people who tried to "comfort" >me with meanless Cliches' like, and this is the >WORST......."I know how you Feel" OMG! I took that as >an insult and total disrespect of my feelings. >That is the worst thing anyone can ever say to someone >who has lost someone they love. >I would never want anyone to feel that kind of pain >and to say they know how you feel is just a slap in >the face. No they Don't and never could understand >unless they themselves lost a loved one in the same >tragic way. >I miss my brother so very much, and I wish I could >turn back time. >He was only 29 years old and hit by a car while >walking across a street. The car apparently came out >of nowhere driven by a teenager on his cell phone. >It's been 5 years now and I have gotten on with my >life.....but there is never a day that I don't think >about him and miss him and some days are better than >others and some days are really really bad. >He was the youngest of our family of 3 siblings....I'm >the oldest and then there is my sister the middle >child. >His being gone has changed my whole familes dynamics, >he was always the baby, and I was always the one that >teased him and my sister was always the middle >child........our whole identity's have been disrupted. >I'm always fearful of something awful happening to >someone else in my family now and I keep it all >inside...... >no one wants to hear these feelings or awful thoughts >of death that I have..... >I just want people to understand that grieving is a >personal process for each invidual and there is no set >time limit and no right or wrong way to feel. > >I think this article should be handed out at funerals >and be required reading for anyone thinking they are >there to comfort the family and pay their respects. > >This has been a comforting website for me to find. >I guess I just wanted to vent my feelings a little >bit. :o) >Thanks to anyone who listened. >Dawn [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:49:58 03/31/06 Fri My big sister, who was 50 and 7 years older than me, left us very unexpectedly on Dec. 25, 2005. I had kissed her, hugged her, and told her to have a wonderful Christmas just hours before she passed. The bond I felt with her was so strong. Is still strong. She was my only sister and of course I loved her so much. She was so much more then "just my sister". It's strange, I lost my brother 6 years ago to cancer and did not feel this loss. Sure, I missed him but it was different. It has been 3 months and I just wish someone could tell me when I will only smile at memories, not cry about the loss. I know that society feels that I should be over this but the part of me that was torn away when we got the awful news is barely hanging on. If there is anyone out there that is feeling like they should be over their loss within the first few months, I want you to know that life does go on, you still have to get up and do your everyday things but I don't think there is a specific timeline for mourning. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Graduation Time. | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:34:35 03/29/06 Wed Well today is my last day of finals. Thank God. Tomorrow is Graduation day, and it's so hard not to think of Tim not physically going to be there. But at least I made it, I know he his proud of me, and is looking out for me and he will be there in spirit and will be so proud. I went on with my schooling, for me and my family. Most of all I did this for Tim. I love you Tim, never ever forget that. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Finally Some Closure! | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:53:54 03/17/06 Fri On March 17th, 2006 at 8:30pm, I found out that my brother Tim passed away from a blockage in his colon; that had in return gave him a toxic reaction. So know we know how he passed away and that it was the Crohn's Disease that hurt him that way. We finally have some closure to his death, but yet I'm still not happy to know that. I still miss him more than ever. Sheila [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Finally Some Closure! | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:22:13 03/18/06 Sat Hello Sheila, I know it is still very hard to comprehend his death or even sort through your emotions. Knowing what Tim died of is better than wondering, but still most of us find it hard to accept what took our siblings. Also the first couple of months can be really rough. Your earlier message you mentioned 2 rainbows as you and your parents went out to eat on Tim's birthday. It does sound like Tim was telling you that he was alright.Sheila, hang in there and keep writing when you feel like it... take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: 1 Month | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:44:28 03/17/06 Fri Today is 1 month since my brother's passing. I just still can't believe that he is gone. It's not fair. Why would God do this to my family, WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE. The 14th was his 32nd birthday, we went to dinner to celebrate his b-day, and on the way to the resturant it was raining, but then we saw two beautiful rainbows and I took that as a sign from Tim, that he was ok and that he loved me. Thanks for listening. Sheila [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: :~( Tim's Birthday | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:42:33 03/14/06 Tue Today is my brother's 32nd birthday. it is going to be so hard not to miss him. My parent's and I are going to dinner at one of his favorite resturant's to celebrate his day. Friday will be a month since his death, we still don't know how he passed away yet, which is still very hard for us also. I'm wearing one of his fleece pullover's today as a little tribute for him on his special day. I still miss him so much and I still can't believe he is gone. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Tim's Birthday | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 18:14:07 03/14/06 Tue Hello Sheila, I know that today must be very difficult for you, especially when you are not sure what happened to Tim. You and your parents are doing something very special to commemorate his birthday. Many of us struggle with birthdays and death dates, so be very gentle with yourself. Sheila, check in later if you feel like it and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Same age my sister was | |
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Author: Sally [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:05:55 02/06/05 Sun Hi, I am the same age my sister was when she died from three years ago. I get panicky for no reason and feel like I can't breathe and even wonder if I'm having a heart attack. She had three beautiful kids, who will not even remember her. It is so painful to visit them. But now I keep thinking that it's my turn next and that I can't outlive her. Reading the material on this website has really helped me to realize that I'm not the only one. I still have so much resentment towards her husband who couldn't be bothered with her towards the end. I'm also mad at people who act like I'm wierd because I have these feelings. You are supposed to just go ahead and act as if things are normal and then they will be--that has not been my experience. Sometimes I just want to scream. Anyway, I'm glad I found this site. Thanks for listening. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Same age my sister was | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:41:55 02/07/05 Mon Hi Sally, Yes, I do remember becoming the same age as my sister when she died and then surpassing it. She died exactly a month before her 13th birthday. You can imagine that I really was paranoid about not making it to my 13th birthday. Then after becoming her age, I found that my roadmap to what 13, 14, and on should be like was no longer there. At that moment I realized how much I depended on her to lead the way in life. Sally, you are reacting just the way you are supposed to act when you have experienced a loss. Many people do act like you should keep going and act as nothing happened. I wasn't very good at doing that. Also venting here seems to help most of us, since we find understanding souls that have experienced similar losses. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Big Brother (A Poem for Tim) | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 10:56:56 03/03/06 Fri Big Brother, The image and memory of you lying there, so still and unaware, of what has happened to you. I love you so much, the pain is just too much to bare. I hate you so much for doing this to me but know that I still care. I cry everyday because of you, I hate the way my heart is breaking because we won’t have fun times again. You won’t see me graduate, and you won’t be in my wedding, you won’t be able to hold or see your niece or nephew, but I know you will still be there in spirit. It’s not enough for me to know your spirit will be there, I want to see you physically there. I hate having this pain, but I know you are being well taking care of by the man upstairs. I love you Tim. Your little sister, Sheila [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: to Sheila | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:50:07 03/01/06 Wed I am so sorry about the death of your brother. Right now your feelings are torn apart and that is normal. You wonder how you can go on living like that. It is important for you to know that it won't be like that forever. Your brother's death is so recent, you are still reeling from the shock of it. Please don't make any major decisions right now--in a few weeks there will be some improvement and you will be in a better place. The beginning part of grief is like a physical illness, so you can treat yourself accordingly. Get lots of rest, drink plenty of fluids, don't take on a lot of demanding tasks, be with people who support you. Come back and let us know how you are doing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: to Pleasant | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 13:20:40 03/01/06 Wed I know it's going to be a long road of greiving, but it's so hard. I can't stand it when people tell me that they know how I feel, it drives me insane. I just want my brother back so things will go back to normal. I hate the fact that I don't have him here anymore. Last night was a rough night for me, because we went to dinner at Red Robin and they were playing a group that he liked listening too over the radio, and they had the sports channel on and it was just too much I started crying right there in the resturant and I'm sure my boyfriend is going crazy with my up and down like a spiral emotions. I wish I didn't have to go through this. Today is the 1 week anniversary of his service, friday will be 2 weeks since his death. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Death of my Brother | |
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Author: Sheila [Edit] |
Date Posted: 11:18:12 02/28/06 Tue I lost my brother on February 17,2006. He was 31 years old. His birthday is on March 14th. It is going to be sooooooooo hard on that day. I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't want to do anything at all. My appetite is gone, my strength to go on in ANYTHING IS GONE!! I don't even want to continue with my schooling. I went back to school in September at the local Community College. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost without my brother. I feel as if I'm in another dimension and I'm just floating in nothingness. I didn't think I would feel this way about him, but oh my god, I do! I miss him so much, everything seems to remind me of him. I thought I was done with crying, but no I'm not. It hurts more than I can say. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My friends and family are trying to make me feel better but nothing works, my pain is just to damn deep right now. I know they love me and want to help so much, but I feel like I don't want them too. It's so hard too move on with anything. I can't believe he's gone! He passed away in his sleep. He had Crohn's Disease, but we don't know if that's how he passed away. My parents and I won't know for about 4-8 weeks. The autopsy didn't show anything I guess, so they have to do a blood test because of his age. We are the only 2 children of my parents. He is 1 year older than me. I can feel the pressure and intensity of the caring and worrying from my parents on me now. It's so hard, My doctor said that I might have Crohn's Disease too, since my brother had it, and first degree relatives of someone who has it is most likely to have it also. Thank you for letting me vent. I just miss my brother more than I knew. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Death of brother | |
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Author: Jason [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:20:00 02/22/06 Wed I have been searching the Internet for any sign that someone knows what is going on with me and I finally have found it. I can't believe how similar my emotions are to the people who have been writing in here. My brother died just 6 months ago and sometimes I think I'm going crazy. It is so hard to stay focused at work. The situation was really puzzling--they think it was a heart attack but it was brought on by some kind of breathing problem no one knew he had -- if only we had some information about it I think it would make it easier to accept. I'm feeling so guilty, because I should have visited him more often --but I was busy at school and starting my career. The pain is terrible sometimes. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Death of brother | |
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Author: Mary [Edit] |
Date Posted: 22:12:44 02/22/06 Wed Jason, I remember what it felt like not having someone to relate to after my brother's death. The weirdest part was that my family could not communicate with each other, because we were all in such different places. This site has been a life saver for me. Communicating with other siblings has helped me to cope with my loss. My brother died of a sudden heart atack, too. I actually read the Merck manual and any other library reference concerning his condition. Not sure why I was so focused on the exact cause of his death. Many of us struggle with our focus at work, school, or home. It will pass, so try to be patient with yourself for awhile... take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Death of brother | |
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Author: Debby [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:33:42 02/23/06 Thu Jason, I know exactly how you feel. My younger brother Chuck passed away almost two years ago,(March 5, 2004). He would be 49 tomorrow. He died in his sleep from a breathing problem, sleep apnia (sp?). I still can't believe he's gone, even after two years. The pain does get better, but I still have my days. The holidays are very hard and I know tomorrow I will be a mess, because it will be his birthday.I still have guilt feelings, that's normal, we all feel guilty. The last time I saw him was Feb 29,2004, five days later he died. Something told me to call him the Thursday evening before, but I didn't. I have felt guilty for not calling him. My birthdays are hard, because he would always call me on my birthday and sing the happy birthday song in a funny way. Be patient,it will get easier. Take care, Debby [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: rough day | |
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Author: Crystina [Edit] |
Date Posted: 20:21:39 02/15/06 Wed Today was a pretty rough day for me. As a senior in high school, I am trying desperately to come to terms with the death of my brother from 2 years ago. We lost him to a rare case of leukemia [read below]. In my Theory of Knowledge class my friend Kelly who lost her sister and I are presenting how the loss of a loved one affects a family. As hard as this is, I think it will be good for me to finally stop pushing it to the back of my mind. However making myself remember everything from that day is terrible. I started remembering the day we came home from the hospital, without my brother. His bed was still unmade and the imprint of his head was still on the pillow. We had to unpack his suitcase filled with the clothes he was supposed to wear home when he got better. His little shoes were by the front door where he leaves them after he used to play. All these little details keep popping into my mind and I can't believe I forgot them in the first place. It makes it all seem way to real for me and i'm starting to not be able to deal with it again. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: rough day | |
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Author: No name [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:57:54 02/17/06 Fri I am so sorry about your brother and I think what you are doing is great. You write about him in such a way that I think you could write a story about it and help other people see how these little things are what hurt so much. I remembered when my brother died and I looked at our couch and there was the impression of where he had sat the day before. I couldn't bear to smooth it out. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: rough day | |
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Author: Christine [Edit] |
Date Posted: 06:26:02 02/18/06 Sat Dear Crystina, I haven't posted here in quite a while. Reading your message made me remember about when my younger sister died almost 4 years ago now. After Barbara died and we were going through her things, my youngest sister and I kept many of her clothes as we were all the same size. I remember that several of her sweaters and shirts still smelled like the perfume she always wore. For the longest time I couldn't wear or wash them, but would just take them out and breathe in the fragrance that was Barb. It seems silly at times but it made me feel like she was still with me in some way and this was very comforting. I also think that this eventually helped me remember more of the happy memories and eventually lessen the pain of her death. I, like no name's response, think what you are doing is wonderful. Good luck and let us know how you are. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Brother ill | |
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Author: Kristy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:59:08 02/16/06 Thu I have posted here before. My brother who was 18 months younger than me died at 26 only 9 months ago of an asthma attack. It still doesn't seem real to me but now that the holidays are over I was starting to feel a little better. All of the sudden my older brother (he is 18 monthes older than I am and lives with me) was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. They cannot come up with a diagnosis and he has been there for over a week. They are having trouble keeping his blood pressure and pulse rate stable. I went to see him and he looks awful he is in a lot of pain and he is very scared I have never seen him like this, he has always been very easy going, even when we lost Jamie. When I saw him laying in the hospital bed at the same hospital we lost Jamie at so recently I couldn't help but to associate the 2. I can't imagine losing another brother he is all I have left. There was the 3 of us now there is only 2. My parents are freaking out, my mom has not left his side. She said she wasn't home when Jamie died (he died on the front porch of her home)she will not leave the only son she has left. I just don't know if our emotions are out of control because of the recent death or if my brother is really that sick. I think it will help when they figure out what is wrong. I don't know why I posted. I guess I can't really talk to anyone about this. I know there are people on this site who have lost more than 1 sibling, how do you cope, how would you recover? Anyway, thanks for listening. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Brother ill | |
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Author: Pleasant [Edit] |
Date Posted: 05:54:58 02/17/06 Fri Dear Kristy, Of course you are worried--anyone would be under these circumstances. We will be thinking about you and hoping for the best. Please take care of yourself. I'm glad you let us know. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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