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| Subject: two brothers and a sister | |
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Author: Heidi [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:11:51 08/15/06 Tue On june 6 2006 I lost my third sibling to a heartattack at age 47, my big brother. In 1981 I lost a brother, and in1997 my sis to cancer. And my only remaining brother was in a car wreck only to survive with brain damage in 1998. I was the yougest of five. Can sombody please tell how to get through this? |
| [> Subject: Re: two brothers and a sister | |
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Author: Peg [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:45:04 08/15/06 Tue Dear Heidi, Wow, you have sure been through the wars--life is really not fair, is it? My heart goes out to you in this. I went through a period where my mom died, then my dad, my aunt, and my best friend all within a few months. I wanted to curl up in a corner somewhere and not come out. It takes courage to go on living, for all of us. Remember that you might not know why, but you don't have to know why--you can trust that someone wiser than us DOES know and is supporting you. If you haven't already done so, I suggest you see your doctor to get help with medication, and also to get into a real life support group. Its so hard to be alone with this. |
| Subject: Radio Talk Show | |
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Author: Dr. Pleasant Gill White, PhD [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:17:06 08/12/06 Sat Hello Everyone, I want you all to know that I will be interviewed on the show "Healing the Grieving Heart" which is sponsored by the Compassionate Friends organization on August 17th, this Thursday. The show will be aired at 9AM Pacific Time on the following stations CHICAGO: WKKD-AM 1580 & WMCW-AM 1600 BOSTON: WBNW-AM 1120 RICHMOND, VA: WTOX-AM 1480 MONTEREY/ SANTA CRUZ, CA: KOMY-AM 1340 If you don't live in one on those places you can call the toll free number at 866-472-5792 to listen in. The shows can also be downloaded at healingthegrievingheart.org I will be talking about my book, Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother. If you want to call in with a question or comment, dial 1-866-472-5792 at about 9:15 to 9:30 am. Pleasant |
| [> Subject: Re: Radio Talk Show | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:20:32 08/13/06 Sun Hello All, This is a fantastic step that Pleasant is taking for all of us. She is helping to get our stories heard and in turn this will help others that will follow in our path. Eventually we all lose a sibling if we do not die first. I visited the website that Pleasant posted and was able to find the following blurb about the show... "9 AM - “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley Healing After the Death of a Sister or Brother Dr. Pleasant Gill White is a counselor in Missouri, specializing in sibling loss. She has recently written a book called “Sibling Grief: Healing After the Death of a Sister or Brother”. In the book she draws on her own personal experience of losing a 13 year old sister to cancer when she was 15. The book also contains clinical experience, research, and wisdom from hundreds of bereaved siblings. Dr. White is the director of The Sibling Connection a non-profit organization whose mission is to provide resources to bereaved siblings. Her writing and interviews have appeared in Compassionate Friends newsletters, sibling loss books, and numerous magazines." I hope that many of you have the chance to listen in live, if not they do broadcast later online. It has been awhile since I've been able to post, but know that my heart is still hear with all of you. Unfortunately my health has not permitted me to be very active as of late. Bless all of you, I hope you find solace through your reading and connections you make here on our site. Take care all, Mary |
| Subject: To many accidents | |
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Author: Emily (Depressed) [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:02:13 08/04/06 Fri 3years ago i lost my grandmother in a car wreck, My mom has been in two serious vehicle accidents (she broke her neck in one and her back in another), my little brother wrecked on a moterbike and spend 4 days in ICU and a week in pediatrics, and My 21 year old brother was just killed July 11th 2006 in a motercycle accident. He slammed into a pole and it killed him instantly. I live 1200 miles away from all my family and go to college. I feel like i should have been there for my family that night and i wasn't, i had to sit by myself scream. I am only 20 and he was my only real brother. Me and him did everything together growing up and i would have never expected to see my brother dead. First at his funeral i wasn't going to look at him but i felt like if i didn't look i would regret i later in life and always wonder. I still hasn't hit and now i am back away from my family and feel like i have no one to talk to. My whole life my dad and grandpa were upsessed about my brother, to them girls weren't important. Now that he is gone they have tryed to get me back but i just want them to leave me alone. My dad has appologised to me for this but i am still distant. My whole body aches and my head hurts, i don't drink and i don't do any drug besides coffee. All i want is someone who can relate and i was very happy to find this site. I have a wonderful mom and step dad, i think they help but know one really understands the relationship between siblings. Except all of you!! |
| [> Subject: Re: To many accidents | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:15:01 08/07/06 Mon Dear Emily, You have been through a terrible time, and not being there has made it harder for you. I am glad that you are reaching out and trying to find others who understand. Hopefully, you will get through this and come out of it a stronger person, able to help others. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. Meanwhile, spend some time taking care of yourself. |
| Subject: To Mindy | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:52:40 07/20/06 Thu Dear Mindy, I am so sorry about the death of your brother. Your grief is still fresh, so it is a struggle to accomplish day to day tasks. It does get easier, believe me. It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate with college, children, and work--please be gentle on yourself and take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing. Author: mindy minard (hope) [Edit] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date Posted: 22:02:01 07/17/06 Mon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thanks for the hope that life does go on after loss i am 26 and my 24 year old brother died 7-04-06 of an accidental prescription drug overdose it is hard i don't want to go back to college or work it is hard to take care of my two kids and face life i am sad and depressed and trying to keep the focus off myself and worse things going on in the world thanks for the support and being here so people like myself can identify with others who have experienced that same thing God bless!! |
| [> Subject: Re: To Mindy | |
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Author: JEN (THIS IS TO MINDY) [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:43:22 07/24/06 Mon Hi Mindy I can't find your original post I am so sorry to hear of your brother...I lost my brother 3-19-04 to an accidental overdose...He was also 24... We were the only siblings...I am 5 years older and he was everything ot me...I didn't want to get out of bed either..I had a child to take care and I didn't think I could do it..On top of struggling with my own grief I had to deal with my mom going into the mental hospital caused by the shock of losing my brother and finding him dead sitting on his bed....I know how hard it is...But things get better..Me and mom and dad all say we cannot believe we made it through it but we did.....He left behind a daughter and it makes it so much harder knowing she is hurting.... We will be forever lost without my brother but the pain is lifting and we are looking forward to seeing him again in heaven...Peace Jen |
| Subject: To LeeAnn | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:21:26 07/05/06 Wed Hi LeeAnn, Thanks for visiting and leaving a message. I'm sorry about your brother's death but glad that you have wonderful memories of your shared childhood. Yes, even after 5 years, it still hurts. It sounds like you are a compassionate, warm person. Hope you will visit with us again. |
| Subject: Reaching Out | |
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Author: Rebecca [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:21:37 06/03/06 Sat About a year and a half ago, my older 38 year old brother was killed in a single car accident on his way home from work. It has been one of the most significant and difficult experiences of my life. To compound things, his only six year old boy, my nephew was walking across the street with another seven year old girl last August when both children were struck, trapped, and killed by an automobile. There have been other significant losses, too. It's like grief piled on top of grief, but the loss of my brother is the primary event around which everthing else seems to swirl. This past memorial day weekend seems to have triggered the grief for me, as well as the serendipitous string of events that led me to find a book about sibling grief, and subsequently, this web site. I am so grateful. These resources have helped me to be okay with acknowledging how incredibly significant my brother was to me, inspite of all of the experiences around me that feel like pressure to not feel like it should be a very significant experience--the pressure to move on with life, to be there for others, when I just still don't have the energy or capacity to do that. It's a weird paradox that does leave a person feeling very alone: no one in my community knew my brother, and I can't get passed the block of not wanting to be around large groups of people anymore. My absence from previous social circles makes me the center of attention when I do show up, so that I don't even want to bother. In my family, I am the only child, now, and my parents have been able to carry on. It's not that they don't talk about it, but it doesn't seem to have impacted them with the same significance that I feel. My close friends have certainly been there for me, and they are certainly there to listen, but I feel guilty about always talking about the loss of my brother, or the centrality that the loss of his earthly presence is in my life. I have been taking pretty good care of myself, so I guess this is just an effort to reach out to others who might have experienced something similar, and who might understand....a way for me to try to continue to understand and work through this, every so incredibly slowly, it seems. If you happen to read and respond to my bit of story, thank you. Rebecca |
| [> Subject: Re: Reaching Out | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:20:50 06/03/06 Sat Dear Rebecca, You have had a terrible loss and healing is definitely going to take time. My heart goes out to you after losing both your brother and his son so close together in time, both of them so young. Being left an only child now and being surrounded by people who didn't know your brother makes it especially difficult -- probably the greatest challenge you will ever face. I'm glad you found your way here--we have all had a loss and understand the difficulties caused by people who don't realize how significant the death of a sibling can be. Thanks for your kindness in sharing your story here. I hope you will come back and let us know how you are doing. |
| [> Subject: Re: Reaching Out | |
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Author: Lee Ann [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:59:59 07/02/06 Sun Rebecca, I share your sorrow and pain. I understand your email and until I found this site tonight, wasn't sure anyone knew HOW I felt. I lost my only older brother Steve 5 years ago today. He left behind his wife who was 7 mos pregnant at the time with htier first child and I was 5 mos pregnant then. boy - we were quite a sight in the receiving lines...with bellies out to kingdom come! I too worry about my parents, as I curse my brother sometimes that now I am the one who will care for them alone! Fortunately I do have a supportive and wonderful husband, but I still curse at Steve! So I write to tell you that you are not alone, that it is ok to talk about your brother...if those around you can't understand it...THEY will have to work on that. with sympathies and prayers, feel free to write. |
| Subject: :~( Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:05:12 05/23/05 Mon Tomorrow is my brother's birthday (29th birthday). He died on 11th June 2004. He was a doctor and died after contracting an infection while treating a patient. It was a prolonged and painful death over a period of 3 months and i watched it every single day. Almost every organ in his body had failed. Ever since that happened.....i have changed for myself. For the rest of the world i am alright. I eat, breath and live by most standards. I am a 23 year old girl and am studying for my masters. But i have become increasingly obsessed with death. I feel guilty for surviving - 'he was better than me' has become my life mantra. We were very close. I cannot sleep well for nights together and then the exhaustion gets to me. Then i am able to sleep for a few nights till the cycle begins again. I smoke and drink....with deliberation.....i go on prescription pills popping spree. my self esteem is 0. I hate god and am filled with bitterness about life about relationships and everything. I hate the fact that practically none of my friends supported me in this hard time. I am going nuts because of this guilt and all these other emotions i have to deal with. Its so exhausting. When my brother was around i was known as a mature and responsible girl....he was my idol. Please help me. |
| [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:37:38 05/23/05 Mon Hi, Sounds like you need to stop the world for a short time and find someone to talk to about your feelings. Some of your behaviors and acting out are signs of grief that you have not dealt with. It is important to find someone that will listen and help you through this time in your life. Many of us also felt that our siblings were better and feel guilty about being the ones that are still here. Please reach out to someone and let me know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, Mary |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:32:46 05/24/05 Tue Hi Mary Thanks for your help. I have been in counselling for the past year and i have my good days and my bad days. But i feel guilty whenever i get any reason for feeling real happiness and that is followed by some sort of self destructive behaviour. There is some part of me that feels panicky during the better days in life because i think i might actually end up forgetting my brother. i am trying hard to live .....its just so difficult and i miss him so much. Thanks once again |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:20:43 05/26/05 Thu Yes, I remember the few good days along with many bad ones after losing my sister and then my brother. My sister died when I was young over 30 years ago and my brother died over six years ago. Now I have mostly good days, but I do still have flashes of grief at times like their birthdays and death days. Trust me, you will never forget your brother. It is hard not to feel guilty when you are having a good day and then remember that he is gone. Please remember that your brother would want you to be happy. It takes time to be okay, but keep seeing someone. Talking about your loss will help you. Write again when you feel like it and let me know how you are doing. Mary |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: Jo Jo [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:26:44 05/01/06 Mon I totally understand what you are going through. On Jan 2,2000. I lost my older sister suddenly she was only 26 years old. I also lost my brother Feb 2, 2006 suddenly. I have ok days and real bad days. The police still don't know if it was suicide or murder for my brother. My son is 5 will be 6 in july he is having nighmares about his uncle, he never got to meet his aunt. When something does seem to go good in my life i feel guilty if i actually allow myself to enjoy it. I just try to put my faith in God and ask for his help EVERYDAY!! |
| [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:59:31 07/05/05 Tue you should email me. i have been going through a very similar experience. i'm 27 and my brother died 20 months ago at 23 of a rare sudden disease. i live in nyc and try to continue life as best i can but it's very hard. i don't relate to most of my friends anymore. my brother was my hero. he doesn't deserve this and neither do my parents or i. nothing makes me happy and nothing makes me feel better. |
| [> Subject: Re: Does this make any sense? | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:10:30 05/09/06 Tue Dear Friend, I would like to tell you a bit about my situation before I begin. I lost both my brothers before the age of 30 (I am now 31). I am the youngest and only girl in the family. My eldtest brother contracted an infection after an operation and I also watched him die a slow and painful death over 78 days. He was connected to a ventilator and eventually died of multiple organ failure two days after I gave birth to my little boy. It seemed so unreal as our family could not believe this was once again happening to us! My middle brother died while I was pregnant with my first child and I almost lost my baby when this happened. Immediately after I had my second child and Johan died, I had myself sterilized, I believed I was bringing bad luck by being pregnant. My eldest brother died in 2004 and I still struggle with the grief. Each time I think I'm over his death, I would get a day like today and totally fade to grey! I probably would also have given myself over to alcohol and tabs if it was not for having to look after my kids. I sometimes found it so hard to be a mother when I felt like being a total bitch - excuse my french. I had a friend with whom I've been friends with since first grade. She started ignorning me, not being there for me. Ironically, she asked for my forgiveness when her husband was diagnosed with Cancer. We became friends again and he died two months ago - I am now the only one who stands by her, who understands her pain. Our other friends are totally ignorant of her, because they don't know what to say. Today I understand that it's not because they don't want to be there, it just that they don't know how you feel and cannot deal with it. I had to forgive my best friend for doing that, and are today so grateful that I have. I know I have wished for someone close to her to die also so she could feel how lonely I felt. Today, I regret that, it's just strange how life turns out... My heart goes out to you and your brother would not want you to "ruin" your life if he could see you, I'm sure of that. But, a grieving person goes into a "self-destruction" mode. My advice to you, take it one day at a time and don't haunt yourself by looking at your future without your brother. One day at a time please.... |
| Subject: :~( Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: MoonPixie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:32:49 04/19/06 Wed I lost my brother less than a month ago. March 22. It was very unexpected. He'd been HIV postive for more than ten years, and responded to meds very well. He was always pretty healthy. Then he got the flu. Couldn't get his temp down below 102. His doc sent him home. But his partner knew how sick he was. He probably suffered the most at home. By the time I got to the hospital, he had just gotten an x-ray and was consious. I could see the fear in his eyes, a look I'd never seen before, and I hope I never see him again. Before I left the room so they could get him all set up, I told him I loved him, which I often did, usually to a nod, he was very not affectionate. For the 2nd time in my life, he said "I love you." Those were the last words I ever heard him say. He was then sedated, and they found pneumonia in both lungs, a staph infection in his blood, and eventually, his kidney stopped, his bone marrow stopped making blood, then he was in multiple irreversable organ failure. He was surrounded by love when he went, 10 family members were standing around him and talking to him as they took out the breathing tube. He was sick enough, he went in about 2 minutes. I'll never fourget anything of that. I feel like my entire life has stopped, but the world around me is still spinning. I can't even explain the bond I have with my brother and my mother. All our family is important, but us three were unbreakable. I did okay the first couple of weeks, I'm a complete wreck now. My mom is not around for support sometimes. She tries to run away, but then that leaves me here alone. If you've made it this far, thank you for your time. MoonPixie |
| [> Subject: Re: Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:56:38 04/21/06 Fri Hi Moonpixie, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I myself lost my brother a few months ago (February 17th)to Crohn's Disease. I was totally devastated when I found out. I am an only child now. I was back in school, my first quarter was so hard, I wanted to quit but I talked to my brother a few times and he told me that I could do it, and then during my second quarter just when things were going good I was just over a month away from graduating, and he passes away, I was so stunned and speechless, I took a week off from school, then my parents wanted and told me to go back to school, and to not let my grades fall, my boyfriend was a major supporter during this very difficult time in my life. Lossing my brother is the hardest thing I have EVER gone threw. I graduated on March 30th just 2 weeks after what would've been my brother's 32nd birthday. I did it for him. I never knew how much I loved my brother until he passed away. He passed away in his sleep. I saw him before the coroner got to take his body away, and it's an image I will never ever forget. I still have moments where I break down, just from seeing something he liked or hearing music on the radio that he liked. It will be hard, but just know there are people who know exactly what you are going through and they will be here anytime you need to talk. My brother meant more to me then I ever knew. I he will be missed forever. I hope you can find some comfort in this message. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Take care. Sheila |
| [> Subject: Oo. Re: Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: MoonPixie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:34:45 04/25/06 Tue Thank you so much Sheila, you're message really helped me. And good for you for graduating in such a horrible time of life. You're brother is so proud of you! And I know what you mean about reminders. Last week my friend took me out to play pool and have a couple of drinks, to get me out, ya know... I was having fun, actually winning, LOL. Then "The Rose" by Bette Midler, and I totally lost it. He was a big fan, and when I went through my first "nervous breakdown" at 12, he took me to see Beaches every Sunday Midnight showing for about 3 mos., since I was ok when it was late and a dark movie theatre.Anyway, at the bar, I had to go into the bathroom and wait for the song to be over, and do the whole cold water on my face thing. (I've learned to wear very little make-up, if any, in the last few months.) And I can't watch and Star Trek or Star Wars because he was a fanatic. Even the beautiful spring days that are finally here bring me down sometimes because this is when we'd start having BBQs at my bro's. Scot died just shy of his 34th birthday. I was with him, as were alot of our family. It was a horrible 2 minutes to watch, but they assured us he wasn't in pain and didn't have any anxiety. It was a surreal thing... Having to make the choice, taking everybody's ideas. It was pretty one sided, but my Dad thought he's want to fight until there was absolutly no choice. Which, when the head of the ICU examined him, it turned out to be no chance. But they have to take him completly off of sedation and the paralytic, otherwise it classified as "murder". But he had plenty of Morphine and Adavant. But his lungs were 85% filled, so it was hard for us to watch. One of the hardest things right now for me is that I feel guilty if I don't think of him. Even though that's the only way I can feel half-way okay at the moment. Did you feel this way? Or am I weird? LOL, I am weird, but is it usual to feel guilty for not thinking about him 24/7? Thanks again for responding to me. Scot's little Sis |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Finally, people that understand | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:36:35 04/26/06 Wed I like try noto to think of my brother 24/7 too, but alot of times he just seems to slip into my brain. Everyday when I do things, I sometimes stop and think what would Tim have done or what would he do in this situation or what kind of smart ass remark would he have. When it happened and our family started coming over, I hated it, because he was my only sibling, and all the attention was on me, I kept hearing my family say to my parents and my boyfriend; keep a close eye on her, this is going to be very difficult for her, which to this date is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I just didn't want to hear that at all and I didn't want that attention (only if it is my birthday or my wedding, do I want that kind of attention), but I did write a poem about how I felt to Tim, I think it's still on here (just scroll down, it's should say something like, "Big Brother")just last November my docotr told me that I had some of the same symptoms as Crohns Disease (which is what Tim died from), so now I have to get tested for it. I put my email address on here if you would like to e-mail me personally and I would be more than happy to talk to you about this, and maybe send you some pictures of Tim. I hope you find some comfort in talking to me about this, because this sight sure has helped m so far. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. Love and Prayers Moonpixie, Sheila |
| Subject: info required | |
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Author: Jo [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:12:14 03/13/05 Sun My situation is really different to everyone who has posted here. I am 42. My sister died 3 days before her 5th birthday when I was only 14 months old. It was only 2 years ago that I realised that it has had a huge impact on my life so far and have spent the time since this discovery dealing with many issues. Does anyone know of anywhere I can get info on this type of sibling death. I know I can't remember what happened as normal memories but I am now noticing lots of things that show me that I remember on a different level. That sounds a bit wierd but it is the only way I can explain it. |
| [> Subject: Re: info required | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:02:46 03/13/05 Sun Hi Jo, Actually what you say about remembering in a different way makes sense to me. I think that everything that we experience has an impact on us, even if we cannot consciously remember the event. One of the links on this page discusses the change in your family will impact you from birth to toddler stage. I also think that we retain very early memories, but since we did not have the language skill at the time to explain them they surface in different ways. For instance in dreams or feelings that somehow vaguely seem familiar but we are not quite sure why. Jo, I am sorry for your loss of your sister. I hope that another member of this site that has experienced a similar loss can help you with more information. take care, Mary |
| [> Subject: Re: info required | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:22:21 03/13/05 Sun Hi Jo, I'm so sorry about your sister's death--you can only imagine how puzzled and confused you must have been to have her suddenly disappear. We know that such young children are very much aware that something is not right. I highly recommend that you read the book "Shadows in the Sun" by Betty Davies. One of the major complications of such an early loss is in the way you form attachments. If you want to know more about this, send me an email at info@counselingstlouis.net and I will send you more information. |
| [> Subject: Early loss of sibling | |
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Author: kram [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:01:42 03/21/05 Mon Jo, I read your note and found our history very similar. I was 5 mos old when my 3 yr old sister (a twin) fell into a river near our house and drowned. My parents never really discussed what happened that day but my mother died in Dec of 2004 (my father died years earlier) and I found news clippings, pictures, and some of my sister's personal effects tucked away. There is one particular photo of her, me, and my brother (her twin) taken about 2 weeks before her death. I find it incredibly sad to look at yet also marvel at how happy and beautiful everyone seemed. For about the last month, I have immersed myself in the details of her death and what it must have been like for my brother and my parents as well as her. I feel my mother never shared any of this with me to perhaps shield me from the overwhelming grief I feel lately. All this at 54 yrs of age! |
| [> Subject: Re: lossing a sister | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:07:28 03/31/06 Fri Loaing a sister is an unbelieveable loss. I was 43 at the time of her death (3 months ago and now I'm 44) and I am mourning the loss of the memories that will never be. I know there are times that I can't remember (I had moved in with her and since she was 7 years older then me I'm sure she had to do some reprimanding) and have been told that I will be upset and angry about the times we should have had in the future. I sometimes wonder why the heck I still cry but at least the days are better. I wasn't lacking the verbal skills when she passed but I did go into shock (it was a very unexpected death) and was not able to grieve like others. This lack of ability has caused me to have some unexplainable things but I know she is with me spiritually and I find some comfort in knowing she is still watching me. |
| [> Subject: Re: info required | |
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Author: Abby [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:43:23 04/14/06 Fri Hi Jo, Although I was older than you when my sister died (I was 10 and she was 18), I had always assumed that I simply wasn't impacted by her death because I was too young. What I discovered was that I was impacted in many different (significant) ways that I only began to realize a few years ago. I always thought that my worries and anxiety were "free floating" and had no idea it was the result of being traumatized at such a young age. That book "Shadows in the Sun" was very helpful and, although I haven't read it yet, there is another book that might be helpful. It's called The Body Remembers, by Babette Rothschild. I have only read the first few pages so far and it describes how you may not have a clear memory of a traumatic childhood event, but your "body remembers" and reacts accordingly. It's worth a try as there isn't a lot out there specifically related to the loss of a sibling in childhood. I think that is why this website has been so wonderful for so many people. |
| Subject: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: Traci [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:19:53 02/27/06 Mon Hello, My sister died from cancer six months ago--leaving three little kids--the oldest was 6. By the time they discovered her cancer it was already so far gone, they couldn't even operate. what is bothering me now is her husband and they way he acted before she died and now. At first I was stunned but now I am angry--he didn't even have the decency to stay with her when she was dying. It makes me so mad I could spit! I don't knowfor sure but I think he may have actually been seeing someone when she was sick. It makes it so hard for me to be nice to him when I visit the kids. I can't stop venting about this and I'm afraid my husband will get tired of it. I don't know what to do about this. |
| [> Subject: Re: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: Jason [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:55:50 03/01/06 Wed My brother and your sister must have died about the same time. It is terrible to watch their kids--I do know what you mean about that. My brother had just one little girl and she is so confused and doesn't know what is going on. It sounds like you are pretty mad--maybe that is your way of functioning now. What makes me mad is not having a definite diagnosis--if only we could give a name to what killed him. I hat e to say this but what if someone else gets it too? I guess we just have to live with all these feelings that we can't do anything about. I just wish I could DO something! |
| [> Subject: Re: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:50:56 04/03/06 Mon Dear Traci... I too have lost a sister to cancer. 9 monthe aco. She also has left behind 3 young kids and a husband. He too acted in a way that infuriated me and continues to do so. The day of her death when my mother called from the hospital to say he should come there quickly he replied that he will finish breakfast and then come. A week prior to her death when the doctors suggested stopping treatment he toyed with the idea of just letting her go and when they suggested she have limited vivitors I together with my other sister and father were on the list of those to not be allowed to see her. I flew off the handle and called him everything imaginable under the sun. In the final moments of her life he ordered everyone to leave her side and yelled obscenities. My father father, sister in law and my sisters best friend all fainted. I am an ambulance officer so I was expected to cope with the whole process and the aftermath. Now I am crumbling. I do not trust me husband. I think he too will act like my brother in law. I wander why I work so hard like my sister (she was a nurse) when I too will probably die at 37. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: sister death with young kids | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:13:42 04/06/06 Thu It is almost unfathomable when people behave in this way --This is denial at its most rigid. I am so sorry that you had this experience. You wonder whether your husband will be like this too and whether you too will die young. Please know that 9 months is not a long time and eventually you will feel better and the anger will become less intense. I am glad that you wrote to us and hope you will let us know how you are doing. |
| Subject: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: Dawn [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:56:48 02/08/05 Tue Missing a Part of Me. I just read "Loss of an Adult Sibling" and if I can stop crying long enough I will tell you how much it hit home to read that. I wish more people would take the time to understand how to deal with people who have lost a loved one......I really really wanted to send that article to ALL the people in my life that told me to get on with my life and get over it after a short time......and to all the people who tried to "comfort" me with meanless Cliches' like, and this is the WORST......."I know how you Feel" OMG! I took that as an insult and total disrespect of my feelings. That is the worst thing anyone can ever say to someone who has lost someone they love. I would never want anyone to feel that kind of pain and to say they know how you feel is just a slap in the face. No they Don't and never could understand unless they themselves lost a loved one in the same tragic way. I miss my brother so very much, and I wish I could turn back time. He was only 29 years old and hit by a car while walking across a street. The car apparently came out of nowhere driven by a teenager on his cell phone. It's been 5 years now and I have gotten on with my life.....but there is never a day that I don't think about him and miss him and some days are better than others and some days are really really bad. He was the youngest of our family of 3 siblings....I'm the oldest and then there is my sister the middle child. His being gone has changed my whole familes dynamics, he was always the baby, and I was always the one that teased him and my sister was always the middle child........our whole identity's have been disrupted. I'm always fearful of something awful happening to someone else in my family now and I keep it all inside...... no one wants to hear these feelings or awful thoughts of death that I have..... I just want people to understand that grieving is a personal process for each invidual and there is no set time limit and no right or wrong way to feel. I think this article should be handed out at funerals and be required reading for anyone thinking they are there to comfort the family and pay their respects. This has been a comforting website for me to find. I guess I just wanted to vent my feelings a little bit. :o) Thanks to anyone who listened. Dawn |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:59:58 02/08/05 Tue Hello Dawn, Thanks for your kind words about my article. I have learned so much about adult sibling loss from the people who write in here. It sounds like your life was intertwined with your brother's in a way that made it hard to separate. It really upsets me when people seem to ignore how hard it is for siblings. Your brother's death was so senseless, and he was so young. No wonder you fear that something else might happen. It will take some time for you to trust in life again. I'm glad you did come here to vent your feelings and I hope you visit again. |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: Denise G [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:56:33 02/09/05 Wed Hi, Dawn: I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. You and your family must be devastated to lose someone so young! I lost my younger sister (it was just 2 yrs ago on Monday)- she was 46 - it was sudden...a brain aneurysm; I know what you mean about people saying ridiculous things; I was floored by some of the comments made to me after my sister's death....like the day I went back to work, a woman said to me.........."all better now?" I wanted to scream at her and say, "What a stupid thing to say!!!! No, I'm not all better now and I never will be". But in my heart of hearts, I believe I was holding onto a lot of anger inside about the situation itself.......I came to the realization that it didn't matter what anybody said or didn't say.....my loss was profound - nobody would understand unless they've been through it; that's why I, too, was happy to find this board; I'm sorry that there are so many of us who have lost our siblings, but helped by the fact that there are many people out there struggling with the same issues that I am; It has made me a more compassionate person......a better listener, I hope. Sometimes there is nothing one can say - they just need to listen; It's a difficult topic & I think people say stupid things because they are not sure what to say or do; It doesn't make it any easier for us........but maybe a little easier to accept the thoughtless comments. Thanks for posting - I wish you peace! Denise G >Missing a Part of Me. >I just read "Loss of an Adult Sibling" and if I can >stop crying long enough I will tell you how much it >hit home to read that. > I wish more people would take the time to understand >how to deal with people who have lost a loved >one......I really really wanted to send that article >to ALL the people in my life that told me to get on >with my life and get over it after a short >time......and to all the people who tried to "comfort" >me with meanless Cliches' like, and this is the >WORST......."I know how you Feel" OMG! I took that as >an insult and total disrespect of my feelings. >That is the worst thing anyone can ever say to someone >who has lost someone they love. >I would never want anyone to feel that kind of pain >and to say they know how you feel is just a slap in >the face. No they Don't and never could understand >unless they themselves lost a loved one in the same >tragic way. >I miss my brother so very much, and I wish I could >turn back time. >He was only 29 years old and hit by a car while >walking across a street. The car apparently came out >of nowhere driven by a teenager on his cell phone. >It's been 5 years now and I have gotten on with my >life.....but there is never a day that I don't think >about him and miss him and some days are better than >others and some days are really really bad. >He was the youngest of our family of 3 siblings....I'm >the oldest and then there is my sister the middle >child. >His being gone has changed my whole familes dynamics, >he was always the baby, and I was always the one that >teased him and my sister was always the middle >child........our whole identity's have been disrupted. >I'm always fearful of something awful happening to >someone else in my family now and I keep it all >inside...... >no one wants to hear these feelings or awful thoughts >of death that I have..... >I just want people to understand that grieving is a >personal process for each invidual and there is no set >time limit and no right or wrong way to feel. > >I think this article should be handed out at funerals >and be required reading for anyone thinking they are >there to comfort the family and pay their respects. > >This has been a comforting website for me to find. >I guess I just wanted to vent my feelings a little >bit. :o) >Thanks to anyone who listened. >Dawn |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of an Adult Sibling | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:49:58 03/31/06 Fri My big sister, who was 50 and 7 years older than me, left us very unexpectedly on Dec. 25, 2005. I had kissed her, hugged her, and told her to have a wonderful Christmas just hours before she passed. The bond I felt with her was so strong. Is still strong. She was my only sister and of course I loved her so much. She was so much more then "just my sister". It's strange, I lost my brother 6 years ago to cancer and did not feel this loss. Sure, I missed him but it was different. It has been 3 months and I just wish someone could tell me when I will only smile at memories, not cry about the loss. I know that society feels that I should be over this but the part of me that was torn away when we got the awful news is barely hanging on. If there is anyone out there that is feeling like they should be over their loss within the first few months, I want you to know that life does go on, you still have to get up and do your everyday things but I don't think there is a specific timeline for mourning. |
| Subject: Graduation Time. | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:34:35 03/29/06 Wed Well today is my last day of finals. Thank God. Tomorrow is Graduation day, and it's so hard not to think of Tim not physically going to be there. But at least I made it, I know he his proud of me, and is looking out for me and he will be there in spirit and will be so proud. I went on with my schooling, for me and my family. Most of all I did this for Tim. I love you Tim, never ever forget that. |
| Subject: Finally Some Closure! | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:53:54 03/17/06 Fri On March 17th, 2006 at 8:30pm, I found out that my brother Tim passed away from a blockage in his colon; that had in return gave him a toxic reaction. So know we know how he passed away and that it was the Crohn's Disease that hurt him that way. We finally have some closure to his death, but yet I'm still not happy to know that. I still miss him more than ever. Sheila |
| [> Subject: Re: Finally Some Closure! | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:22:13 03/18/06 Sat Hello Sheila, I know it is still very hard to comprehend his death or even sort through your emotions. Knowing what Tim died of is better than wondering, but still most of us find it hard to accept what took our siblings. Also the first couple of months can be really rough. Your earlier message you mentioned 2 rainbows as you and your parents went out to eat on Tim's birthday. It does sound like Tim was telling you that he was alright.Sheila, hang in there and keep writing when you feel like it... take care, Mary |
| Subject: 1 Month | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:44:28 03/17/06 Fri Today is 1 month since my brother's passing. I just still can't believe that he is gone. It's not fair. Why would God do this to my family, WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE. The 14th was his 32nd birthday, we went to dinner to celebrate his b-day, and on the way to the resturant it was raining, but then we saw two beautiful rainbows and I took that as a sign from Tim, that he was ok and that he loved me. Thanks for listening. Sheila |
| Subject: :~( Tim's Birthday | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:42:33 03/14/06 Tue Today is my brother's 32nd birthday. it is going to be so hard not to miss him. My parent's and I are going to dinner at one of his favorite resturant's to celebrate his day. Friday will be a month since his death, we still don't know how he passed away yet, which is still very hard for us also. I'm wearing one of his fleece pullover's today as a little tribute for him on his special day. I still miss him so much and I still can't believe he is gone. |
| [> Subject: Re: Tim's Birthday | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:14:07 03/14/06 Tue Hello Sheila, I know that today must be very difficult for you, especially when you are not sure what happened to Tim. You and your parents are doing something very special to commemorate his birthday. Many of us struggle with birthdays and death dates, so be very gentle with yourself. Sheila, check in later if you feel like it and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, Mary |
| Subject: Same age my sister was | |
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Author: Sally [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:05:55 02/06/05 Sun Hi, I am the same age my sister was when she died from three years ago. I get panicky for no reason and feel like I can't breathe and even wonder if I'm having a heart attack. She had three beautiful kids, who will not even remember her. It is so painful to visit them. But now I keep thinking that it's my turn next and that I can't outlive her. Reading the material on this website has really helped me to realize that I'm not the only one. I still have so much resentment towards her husband who couldn't be bothered with her towards the end. I'm also mad at people who act like I'm wierd because I have these feelings. You are supposed to just go ahead and act as if things are normal and then they will be--that has not been my experience. Sometimes I just want to scream. Anyway, I'm glad I found this site. Thanks for listening. |
| [> Subject: Re: Same age my sister was | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:41:55 02/07/05 Mon Hi Sally, Yes, I do remember becoming the same age as my sister when she died and then surpassing it. She died exactly a month before her 13th birthday. You can imagine that I really was paranoid about not making it to my 13th birthday. Then after becoming her age, I found that my roadmap to what 13, 14, and on should be like was no longer there. At that moment I realized how much I depended on her to lead the way in life. Sally, you are reacting just the way you are supposed to act when you have experienced a loss. Many people do act like you should keep going and act as nothing happened. I wasn't very good at doing that. Also venting here seems to help most of us, since we find understanding souls that have experienced similar losses. take care, Mary |
| Subject: Big Brother (A Poem for Tim) | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:56:56 03/03/06 Fri Big Brother, The image and memory of you lying there, so still and unaware, of what has happened to you. I love you so much, the pain is just too much to bare. I hate you so much for doing this to me but know that I still care. I cry everyday because of you, I hate the way my heart is breaking because we won’t have fun times again. You won’t see me graduate, and you won’t be in my wedding, you won’t be able to hold or see your niece or nephew, but I know you will still be there in spirit. It’s not enough for me to know your spirit will be there, I want to see you physically there. I hate having this pain, but I know you are being well taking care of by the man upstairs. I love you Tim. Your little sister, Sheila |
| Subject: to Sheila | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:50:07 03/01/06 Wed I am so sorry about the death of your brother. Right now your feelings are torn apart and that is normal. You wonder how you can go on living like that. It is important for you to know that it won't be like that forever. Your brother's death is so recent, you are still reeling from the shock of it. Please don't make any major decisions right now--in a few weeks there will be some improvement and you will be in a better place. The beginning part of grief is like a physical illness, so you can treat yourself accordingly. Get lots of rest, drink plenty of fluids, don't take on a lot of demanding tasks, be with people who support you. Come back and let us know how you are doing. |
| [> Subject: Re: to Pleasant | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:20:40 03/01/06 Wed I know it's going to be a long road of greiving, but it's so hard. I can't stand it when people tell me that they know how I feel, it drives me insane. I just want my brother back so things will go back to normal. I hate the fact that I don't have him here anymore. Last night was a rough night for me, because we went to dinner at Red Robin and they were playing a group that he liked listening too over the radio, and they had the sports channel on and it was just too much I started crying right there in the resturant and I'm sure my boyfriend is going crazy with my up and down like a spiral emotions. I wish I didn't have to go through this. Today is the 1 week anniversary of his service, friday will be 2 weeks since his death. |
| Subject: Death of my Brother | |
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Author: Sheila [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:18:12 02/28/06 Tue I lost my brother on February 17,2006. He was 31 years old. His birthday is on March 14th. It is going to be sooooooooo hard on that day. I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't want to do anything at all. My appetite is gone, my strength to go on in ANYTHING IS GONE!! I don't even want to continue with my schooling. I went back to school in September at the local Community College. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost without my brother. I feel as if I'm in another dimension and I'm just floating in nothingness. I didn't think I would feel this way about him, but oh my god, I do! I miss him so much, everything seems to remind me of him. I thought I was done with crying, but no I'm not. It hurts more than I can say. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My friends and family are trying to make me feel better but nothing works, my pain is just to damn deep right now. I know they love me and want to help so much, but I feel like I don't want them too. It's so hard too move on with anything. I can't believe he's gone! He passed away in his sleep. He had Crohn's Disease, but we don't know if that's how he passed away. My parents and I won't know for about 4-8 weeks. The autopsy didn't show anything I guess, so they have to do a blood test because of his age. We are the only 2 children of my parents. He is 1 year older than me. I can feel the pressure and intensity of the caring and worrying from my parents on me now. It's so hard, My doctor said that I might have Crohn's Disease too, since my brother had it, and first degree relatives of someone who has it is most likely to have it also. Thank you for letting me vent. I just miss my brother more than I knew. |
| Subject: Death of brother | |
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Author: Jason [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:20:00 02/22/06 Wed I have been searching the Internet for any sign that someone knows what is going on with me and I finally have found it. I can't believe how similar my emotions are to the people who have been writing in here. My brother died just 6 months ago and sometimes I think I'm going crazy. It is so hard to stay focused at work. The situation was really puzzling--they think it was a heart attack but it was brought on by some kind of breathing problem no one knew he had -- if only we had some information about it I think it would make it easier to accept. I'm feeling so guilty, because I should have visited him more often --but I was busy at school and starting my career. The pain is terrible sometimes. |
| [> Subject: Re: Death of brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:12:44 02/22/06 Wed Jason, I remember what it felt like not having someone to relate to after my brother's death. The weirdest part was that my family could not communicate with each other, because we were all in such different places. This site has been a life saver for me. Communicating with other siblings has helped me to cope with my loss. My brother died of a sudden heart atack, too. I actually read the Merck manual and any other library reference concerning his condition. Not sure why I was so focused on the exact cause of his death. Many of us struggle with our focus at work, school, or home. It will pass, so try to be patient with yourself for awhile... take care, Mary |
| [> Subject: Re: Death of brother | |
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Author: Debby [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:33:42 02/23/06 Thu Jason, I know exactly how you feel. My younger brother Chuck passed away almost two years ago,(March 5, 2004). He would be 49 tomorrow. He died in his sleep from a breathing problem, sleep apnia (sp?). I still can't believe he's gone, even after two years. The pain does get better, but I still have my days. The holidays are very hard and I know tomorrow I will be a mess, because it will be his birthday.I still have guilt feelings, that's normal, we all feel guilty. The last time I saw him was Feb 29,2004, five days later he died. Something told me to call him the Thursday evening before, but I didn't. I have felt guilty for not calling him. My birthdays are hard, because he would always call me on my birthday and sing the happy birthday song in a funny way. Be patient,it will get easier. Take care, Debby |
| Subject: rough day | |
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Author: Crystina [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:21:39 02/15/06 Wed Today was a pretty rough day for me. As a senior in high school, I am trying desperately to come to terms with the death of my brother from 2 years ago. We lost him to a rare case of leukemia [read below]. In my Theory of Knowledge class my friend Kelly who lost her sister and I are presenting how the loss of a loved one affects a family. As hard as this is, I think it will be good for me to finally stop pushing it to the back of my mind. However making myself remember everything from that day is terrible. I started remembering the day we came home from the hospital, without my brother. His bed was still unmade and the imprint of his head was still on the pillow. We had to unpack his suitcase filled with the clothes he was supposed to wear home when he got better. His little shoes were by the front door where he leaves them after he used to play. All these little details keep popping into my mind and I can't believe I forgot them in the first place. It makes it all seem way to real for me and i'm starting to not be able to deal with it again. |
| [> Subject: Re: rough day | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:57:54 02/17/06 Fri I am so sorry about your brother and I think what you are doing is great. You write about him in such a way that I think you could write a story about it and help other people see how these little things are what hurt so much. I remembered when my brother died and I looked at our couch and there was the impression of where he had sat the day before. I couldn't bear to smooth it out. |
| [> Subject: Re: rough day | |
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Author: Christine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:26:02 02/18/06 Sat Dear Crystina, I haven't posted here in quite a while. Reading your message made me remember about when my younger sister died almost 4 years ago now. After Barbara died and we were going through her things, my youngest sister and I kept many of her clothes as we were all the same size. I remember that several of her sweaters and shirts still smelled like the perfume she always wore. For the longest time I couldn't wear or wash them, but would just take them out and breathe in the fragrance that was Barb. It seems silly at times but it made me feel like she was still with me in some way and this was very comforting. I also think that this eventually helped me remember more of the happy memories and eventually lessen the pain of her death. I, like no name's response, think what you are doing is wonderful. Good luck and let us know how you are. |
| Subject: Brother ill | |
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Author: Kristy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:59:08 02/16/06 Thu I have posted here before. My brother who was 18 months younger than me died at 26 only 9 months ago of an asthma attack. It still doesn't seem real to me but now that the holidays are over I was starting to feel a little better. All of the sudden my older brother (he is 18 monthes older than I am and lives with me) was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. They cannot come up with a diagnosis and he has been there for over a week. They are having trouble keeping his blood pressure and pulse rate stable. I went to see him and he looks awful he is in a lot of pain and he is very scared I have never seen him like this, he has always been very easy going, even when we lost Jamie. When I saw him laying in the hospital bed at the same hospital we lost Jamie at so recently I couldn't help but to associate the 2. I can't imagine losing another brother he is all I have left. There was the 3 of us now there is only 2. My parents are freaking out, my mom has not left his side. She said she wasn't home when Jamie died (he died on the front porch of her home)she will not leave the only son she has left. I just don't know if our emotions are out of control because of the recent death or if my brother is really that sick. I think it will help when they figure out what is wrong. I don't know why I posted. I guess I can't really talk to anyone about this. I know there are people on this site who have lost more than 1 sibling, how do you cope, how would you recover? Anyway, thanks for listening. |
| [> Subject: Re: Brother ill | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:54:58 02/17/06 Fri Dear Kristy, Of course you are worried--anyone would be under these circumstances. We will be thinking about you and hoping for the best. Please take care of yourself. I'm glad you let us know. |
| Subject: young brother | |
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Author: Renee [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:32:37 02/15/06 Wed Hi Everyone, I was one of the people, like some of you here, whose brother died while I was in high school. I was 14 and he was 5. Yes, it was hard to go on--for a year I got terrible grades that almost kept me out of college. Practically flunked out. However, the school counselor knew what had happened and managed to get me some scholarships. Now that I'm older I can look back and see how kind people were to me then. At the time it seemed like no one else knew what I was going through. I think I was in a haze. Thank heavens my kids are now safely past the age my brother was when he was hit by a car--he was running across the street to get his helmet so he could go bike riding when he was hit. When they reached that age, I was a basket case for awhile. My heart goes out to Crystina and all of you who answered the emails from "No Name" about her brother. |
| Subject: help needed | |
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Author: John [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:11:01 01/26/06 Thu Hi Everyone, I've been lurking here for some time and finally decided to dive in. I lost my brother when we were younger--it's been about 15 years ago, but I find that I still have periods of loneliness and I am going through one of them right now. It's not necessarily related to his death and yet, it makes me think about him for some reason. Has anyone had this experience? I just finished a big project at work and now I am down -- kind of at loose ends and not able to settle to anything. Would this have been the times when I could call Rob and we would get together, and that's why I miss him so much right now? Any comments would be appreciated. |
| [> Subject: Re: help needed | |
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Author: LeMP [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:23:32 01/26/06 Thu Hi - I think what you're feeling is quite normal, but in my experience, to brood over, or pine for your brother at seemingly random times may indicate you still have some grieving to do. I know that when my grandma died, I thought about her constantly during another hard time in my life. I thought I had grieved for her as much as I could. In my case, I just missed something I always got from her. I missed her judge of character - that was what I needed, and I was missing that specific aspect of her. Are you missing a specific aspect of Rob? not just hanging out, but a specific character trait? Where can you find someone else who possesses that trait? My beloved brother Kurt just died (he was 20) on Dec. 17th 2005. I'm finding it hard that I will have to miss him for the rest of my life. Hearing from you that you still are going through these bouts of grief 15 years later is difficult to take. I dread it. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: help needed | |
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Author: John [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:15:24 01/26/06 Thu Thanks for answering my post--it helps just to know that someone read it. I am so sorry about your brother. He was so young--yes, I am sad to say this is just the beginning, although it might affect me more because Rob and I were just 11 months apart in age. He was like my right hand. We knew when each other was feeling down and we never felt alone. I think the grief comes and goes at times. I hope that you will find it easier. You didn't say how old you are, but I was only 16 when Rob died. |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: help needed | |
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Author: LeMP [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:37:25 01/27/06 Fri Thanks, John, for your sympathy - or I should probably say empathy, because you have experienced something quite similar. I am 26, so Kurt was 6 years younger. So, I kind of feel a maternal loss also. Someone told me recently that there are two losses people experience when a loved one dies. They experience the loss of the person, and they also experience the loss of that relationship. Kurt, as a person, will be easy to remember - no one could forget meeting someone like him! But, it's just miserable to miss the relationship. Luckily, I have similar relationships with my other brother and twin. That helps. Do you have another sibling? Take care.... - Lucy |
| Subject: :~( The Lost of My ONLY Brother | |
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Author: Lori Jensen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:47:51 11/21/05 Mon It has been almost three years since I have lost my only brother to a car accident and I still can not seem to get back into like. Three weeks after my first back surgery, my brother was killed in a one car accident. with in this same year I had to have two more back surgeries and I was petrified that some one else was going to die, I know this sounds crazy but every time I had a surgery someone died. My brother, Robert Aaron Jensen was my whole life he was ther when my parents brought me home from the hospital. Just so there wouldn't be a jelousy my parents gave me to him to always look over me. Now I feel like I failed at looking out for him. MY BROTHER WAS MY WHOLE WORLD AND NOW THAT HE IS GONE I DON'T LIKE LIFE AND HE WAS ALWAYS SUPPOSE TO BE THERE FOR ME. Especialy when our parents passaway. Neither of us have children and now I feel all alone. I feel as if I'm going to loose contorl at anytime. I loved him more than I love myself. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up in a mental institution if something dosen't change. I know that March 24, 2002 is just short of three years ago, but it seems like it was just yesterday for me, I have not been able to go back to work because I'm not the same person I was, I was very out going and now I've become VERY bitter!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANY MORE AND I CAN'T FIND ANY SUPPORT GROUPS TO HELP ME. Thanks for you time and consideration, for a broken hearted nobody. Lori Jensen |
| [> Subject: Re: The Lost of My ONLY Brother | |
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Author: Dana [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:00:57 11/22/05 Tue Dear Lori, I am sorry for the loss of your beloved brother who meant so much to you. Three years is not a long time, but it does sound like you need more help in recovering from this. I had to see a doctor and take medicine when my brother died in a car accident because it made me get depressed. Then I went to a Compassionate Friends group that I found on this site on the support page. That really helped and I made some friends there. Have you tried that? I know it seems like yesterday--I feel like that too sometimes. And having surgery makes it so much worse--that alone is enoug to make someone feel terrible. I hope you will talk to your doctor and let us know what happens. |
| [> [> Subject: :~( Re: The Lost of My ONLY Brother | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:44:55 11/22/05 Tue I am sorry for your loss,Lori. My son lost his only brother.and will be alone...sad indeed.the reality in a 'time-space-continnum',is that one never ever forgets,and 'time' is irrevelant(in 'ones' memory. A therapist was helpful for me insofar as helping mom and my son,and seeking the truth in what had Actually happened. My advice I can only offer in words is to seek out a therapist that will help you cope w/your reality,and I pray it will help you.:( amen |
| [> Subject: Re: The Lost of My ONLY Brother | |
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Author: Tiffany [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:43:56 01/19/06 Thu Hi Lori, I just want you to know that I am in almost the exact same situation. I lost my brother in a car accident on August 6th 2002. He was my whole world. He was my big brother and I have had a lot of the similar feeling that you are describing. Who will be with me when my parents pass away? I am in counseling and it does help. But there is nothing that is going to take the pain away, or the lonelyness. I have found that in visiting this site and just reading what is written here that I do not feel as alone. I know that there are other people out there that are feeling the same way that I am. My family has always been close and it has been very tough for all of us. One of the hardest things that I have been experiencing is the thought of marriage and kids. I am single and basically have been since my brothers death. I guess in a way I am afraid to get close to anyone. Getting married and having kids is going to be a very large step in my life due to the fact that my brother will not be here for those things. Someday I am hoping to get past that and be able to move forward with marriage and kids. I hope that some of the things I have said will help you in some way, maybe just by knowing that there is someone out there that is feeling the same way you are. Hope all goes well with your surgeries. |
| Subject: Re: Re: Help | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:25:08 01/10/06 Tue I would like to thank those who replied to my message. I didn't think anyone would and it means a lot. I think this is a wonderful way for me to heal as i relies that you all feel very similar pain to me and i believe your advice because you all know what it feels like. I don't hate you, and this is a big thing for me because i have been hateing all those who i loved before the accident who have been trying to give me advice. My friends and family come over and cry with me but then they go home to a happy family and even though i relies that it is not their fault i still hate them for still having there family. I don't understand why my mother and my other little brother have to experience this horrible pain. My little innocent brother died in a freak accident that never could of been expected and we saw it all as his little beautiful body bleed out and no matter how hard we tried we could'nt save him. He shouldn't of died and we souldn't have to live like this, we did nothing wrong. At this moment we would be preparing him for his first day of school. He was so looking forward to school like he was with other things that happen with time, but he never will now. I protected him so much and i was only 5 meters away from him, i could of saved him.My other brother is very lonely now as they were like twins (every one thought they were) however he has autism and doesn't love me like the one that died. I horribly wish it was him. I don't have a question or a answer for someone and i don't expect a reply but i just want to express my feelings to people that understand and the above is how i'm feeling today. Thankyou. |
| Subject: Holiday Wish | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:56:41 12/25/05 Sun Hello All, I hope that today finds all of you well and surrounded by loved ones today. Everyone that posts and shares their thoughts of loss here are very special people. During our pain we are comforted by those stronger and when we are stronger we offer hope and a lisening ear for those that are struggling. And for those of you that just cruise in to read, I hope that you are comforted by what you read. Bless all of you and may all of you find healing and comfort in the upcoming year. Take care, Mary |
| Subject: Didn't get to say goodbye | |
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Author: Kim [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:26:45 12/23/05 Fri I lost my big brother and only sibling June 10th, 2004. He passed in his sleep from a heart attach at 44. He lived in Georgia, and I live in Florida as do my parents. It has been so hard. I try to be strong for my mom and dad because I know what a hard time they are going through, but I miss him so much and just don't think I can talk to them about it because of how much they are hurting. We are only 17 months apart in age and as most siblings do fought as we grew up, but became closer as we aged. I'll see things on t.v. or hear something on the radio and want to go call him and then realize I can't. He was such a good hearted man, never talked bad about anyone and helped whoever he could. I just feel so many people who knew him were so lucky. He was such a special person and it just doesn't seem fair. I love him and miss him so much. Thanks for listening, I just needed to get some of my pain out. Kim |
| [> Subject: Re: Didn't get to say goodbye | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:46:15 12/25/05 Sun Hello Kim, Your brother sounds like he was very special and that you were a good sister to him. Not all siblings are lucky enought to be close later in life. I relate to you about wanting to pick up the phone after seeing something that you want to share. This happened to me for over a year after my brother's death. Please write back when you feel like it. Take care of yourself, Mary |
| Subject: Missing my little brother... | |
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Author: Paula [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:05:06 12/11/05 Sun My brother died 3 and a half years ago from a "fall" on a construction site. This week, he would have turned 30. The last time we went out was on my 30th birthday. He took me out and we danced the night away. He requested a song for me and I can see his face so clearly when I think about that night-I can still see him dancing and how happy he was to be spending time with me just having fun. I remember thinking about being able to take him out on his 30th birthday. The thought of him not being here on his 30th birthday never crossed my mind. He died 6 months before my only child was born. He knew how badly I wanted a child and it breaks my heart that he will never hold my son and my son will never know his Uncle Ronnie. My family went from the terrible loss of my brother followed by the wonderful gift of my son. I have been struggling-some good days, some not so good days, but I know I haven't dealt with his death. It is still so hard to believe. I talk to my friends but they really don't understand...you know, you can't really understand unless you've been through it. |
| [> Subject: Re: Missing my little brother... | |
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Author: Mary S. [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:16:16 12/14/05 Wed Hello Paula, I'm sorry about your brother -- it must really hurt to know that your kids won't know their uncle -- every time a birthday or something special comes along, it's like losing them again. Now you've lost the 30 year old brother. I felt kind of like that even though my brother had died three years before my son was born. I ended up going to see a counselor and it really helped. I was afraid that my sadness would rub off on my kids and I didn't want to hurt them. What really hit me was I would get so mad at them sometimes--after I went to counseling and talked about my brother's death, I didn't get mad so easy. I hope you will write back. |
| Subject: Christmas | |
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Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:35:14 12/05/05 Mon Hi Everyone. It's been awhile since I posted. It has been 8 months since my younger brother Jamie (26) died of an asthma attack. Thanksgiving went better than expected. I miss my brother dearly. It is not the same without him. Christmas is right around the corner. I cry everyday now it seems. We just bought a house and I am holding our annual family christmas party at my new house. The thought of him not being there is killing me. My mom gave me some home movies to go through because it is too hard for her to do it. I didn't realize how hard it would be. Jamie and I always played together. We were only 18 months apart. Watching those videos was excrutiating. My brother adored my daughter. She knew who her uncle was but she was barely 2 when he died. She wasn't really talking much. Now she talks and does the funniest things. I wish he was here to enjoy her. My older brother (we are also 18 months apart) have never really been very close he was always a loner. (Jamie was like me a real people person). He is moving in with me. I am glad Dustin is all I have left and I want to have a relationship with him and I want his niece to get to know him better. Anyway I justed wanted to get some of my fears about Christmas out. I was doing ok for awhile, but now it seems like he died all over again. |
| [> Subject: Re: Christmas | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:47:49 12/07/05 Wed Dear Kris, It's good to hear from you and I'm glad that your Thanksgiving went well. I can understand why you are thinking of your brother more now--even though getting a new house is exciting and a positive experience for you, it reminds you that Jamie isn't there to tell about it! I felt like that when I got my degree--I would have liked my sister to be there. I can't even imagine what going through those movies was like. No wonder you feel like he died all over again. It is so painful. You had him in your life for 26 years--it will take more than 8 months to heal from this loss. I hope you will visit us again. |
| Subject: loss of my two big brothers | |
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Author: laura [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:25:05 12/03/05 Sat wow, I stumbled on to this site while searching the web because i cant sleep. I lost my first brother jimmy 4 years ago, 2 months before the birth of my son. Talk about bitter sweet. Jimmy was a big bear we all loved him. Unfortunally jimmy and most of my family suffer from drug addiction, alcholisim and bi-bolar depression. You could say life has always been traumatic. My brother's body just finally gave up one night. Well thats what the coriniers report said "Natural Causes" My brother was 37. I realy dont know what to make of it,except I watched him suffer for many years through his depression and addictions. Six months ago I lost my oldest brother Ray, he died I belive of a broken heart, Ray and Jimmy were always together Lived, worked, helped each other do good and not so good they enabled each others addictions and depression. Ray died from an overdose of herion, alchol and cocaine, he just turned 43, 9 days before He died. I dont know if it was accidental or not but 3 days before my brother jimmy died i knew he was going to. and a week to the day i sais my brother ray is dying we need to pray for him. Mothers day we all went to dinner ray hadnt looked so go in years, every one commented on his apperance. That night hi died, I wish when I was waving good bye through my window I should have stopped to make sure he was ok. He was the stong one, the funny guy, the teaser, Man he could get you going he was always right everyone else was wrong. He took the brunt of my parents addictions and depression, ray looked like a model he was a beautiful man, many girls whould say oh, "ray & jimmy are your brother's welove them." My sisters and I were known around town because of them. I was so proud that they were my big brother's. I am 37, I am married with two children. I own my own home, and have a big beautiful dog. My life On the outside looks like the american dream. Except of all the weifght i have put on since they both died aprox 50 lbs. I cant begin to tell you how sad i feel, how hard it is to take care of my small children and husband in which he comes from the beaver cleaver family italian style. I cant sleep i bindge eat i feel as though i have no control. I am trying though, therapy since i was 19. I have been a recovering alcohol and drug addict since im 20. I feel my family has had a horrible curse on it. It's hard to talk to my husband he is tired of my family drama and my own. I can't blame him im tired too.. MY parents are so whacked out they need us to support them. My 3 sisters and i have drifted from each other, friends dont quite understand. I miss them both so much, I wish there lives could have been different. I have such a gapping hole in my heart. I wish i could touch there faces and tell them I'm so sorry that your lifes were so hard, I love you both very much. I always thought when the times got tough, we didnt have mommy or Daddy but we had each other, now thats not so true. MY only saving image is that your are both with jeasus and you are together as little boys innocent of lifes tragedies. |
| [> Subject: Re: loss of my two big brothers | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:05:29 12/04/05 Sun Hello Laura, I am glad that you found us and were able to tell us about your brothers, Ray and Jimmy. It so hard to lose siblings, but to lose two of them in such a short time span must be extremely difficult. You now have a place to "talk" to people that have had similar experiences. Come back and let us know how you are doing. Be gentle with yourself and know that you always have a place to connect with others that will listen. Take care, Mary |
| Subject: Sibling Death | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:25:45 11/20/05 Sun I was involved in my brother's accidental death. He was 10 at the time, I was 12. I'm now in my 40's and interested in connecting with others with similar experiences. For my family it's the big white elephant and I'd like to start bringing things into the open but not quite sure how to go about it. Anyone else out there who can relate please let me know. Thanks. |
| [> Subject: Re: Sibling Death | |
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Author: Audrey [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:04:40 11/22/05 Tue There are quite a few here who lost a brother or sister when they were young--I've been lurking and reading the posts and I can tell you that it seems like people never really get over it completely. I started my family talking about what happened when I took part in a research study. I mentioned it at home and we started talking for the first time in 30 years! Just remember that it was an accident, whatever happened. I hope you will come back. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Sibling Death | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:47:40 11/26/05 Sat Thanks Audrey for your response & encouragement. It seems like starting a conversation with family should be an easy thing to do and yet it's not. Funny you would mention the research project you were involved with as I've considered writing an article or short story about my brother's death and using that as an excuse for research among my siblings / parents. I'll let you know if I move forward with it. In the meantime your comments and much of what I've read on this site is helpful - thanks for sharing. vm |
| Subject: Giving Thanks | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:30:20 11/24/05 Thu Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I know the start of the holiday season brings mixed emotions for many of us. Some of us will feel young again, as we move around the kitchen preparing the turkey and anticipating visits with friends and relatives. Others will feel a sense of loss, as this holiday shows so clearly exactly WHO is missing from the table. People have asked me whether I would rather not have had my sister in my life, since it was so painful to lose her. This Thanksgiving I want to answer that. I am so grateful that I knew her for 13 short years. I give thanks for the lives of all our siblings, and sincerely hope that today we can get beyond the traumatic event that took their lives and remember the good things. May you have a joyous holiday filled with love. |
| Subject: just wanted to say hi! | |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:31:25 10/24/05 Mon Just wanted to see how everyone is!! The holidays are getting closer. (please make time stop!!!) My brother's favorite holiday was halloween!! I have been in shock for 2 years, so this year it is getting to me more than last. He liked to dress up and scare the kids when they came to the door. He loved going to haunted houses. Hope everyone is doing well. talk to you later. |
| [> Subject: Re: just wanted to say hi! | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:11:33 10/24/05 Mon Hi Rach, Good to hear from you. I know what you mean about the holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas always get to me, because my brother loved to cook and decorate his home. He would really outdo himself each year to create not only the meal, but also a holiday atmosphere for his family and friends. He died a week before Christmas and a day afer my only living brother's birthday. Each year, I want to put a brake on time and just stop the world for a moment. Anyway, maybe this year we should try to do something during those special holidays in memory of our brothers. Hmm..just a thought. Take care of yourself and let me know how you fare during Halloween. Mary |
| [> [> Subject: >;-) Re: just wanted to say hi! | |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:31:48 11/05/05 Sat Hi Mary- I did well on Halloween ( for the most part). My friends won't let me sit at home, so we went out and trick and treated with some of the neighbor kids. I had a good time. Now need to get through thanksgiving and christmas. Won't be able to see my family this year. Mom took a job in Alaska!!! So i'm by my-self. This is the first year. Well hope everyone is well. |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:40:36 11/05/05 Sat Rach, Glad you made it through Halloween and managed to enjoy the day with friends. Your brother would have wanted you to have a good time. And yes, now we just have Thanksgiving and Christmans to go. I usually stay very busy during this time of year, which helps to distract me from my feelings. But the actual days can be tough. Have you made arrangements to be with friends? This time of year can be a roller coaster for all of us. But many times the first year and holidays can be the toughest. Please, stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. Mary |
| [> [> Subject: >;-) Re: just wanted to say hi! | |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:19:06 11/09/05 Wed Hi Mary-- How are you holding up?? me? doing well. my friends are helping me make plans for the holidays. My boyfriend and i are going to his aunt's houses of thanksgiving. christmas at his parents's house. the only thing i'm having a problem with is not being able to see my parents. i'll keep in touch. hope everyone is doing well. |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: just wanted to say hi! | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:49:48 11/12/05 Sat Rach, It is good that you will be with your boyfriend and his family during the holidays. Yes, it will be difficult not to see your parents, but being with people that care about you is important. I appreciate you asking about my, this time of year is the busiest time in my business...So, fortunately I have little time to dwell on the loss of my brother or sister. My partner and I spent the first 3 holidays with my parents after my brother's death. It was actually not a good thing, as everyone was grieving in their own way and it caused some clashes. Some of us wanted to talk about Carroll and others could not bear to even hear his name. The toughest time for me is usually when my business slows down and I have time to think. Each year, I vow not to let it get to me, but usually my feelings emerge between Christmas and New Year's eve. Time has helped me to heal, but I still have moments of deep sadness for the loss of both of them. Rach, be good to yourself during the holidays and patient with your feelings as they emerge, too. Unless people have experienced the loss of a sibling, they may not be able to comprehend what you are going through. Thank goodness for Pleasant and her website message board, where we can communicate with others that can relate. take care, Mary |
| Subject: :~( my sister | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:54:06 11/09/05 Wed hello, next month will be the second anniversary of my sisters murder.it will also be christmas and what would have been her 23rd birthday at around the same time. I live in a different country to my family and i wont be able to be with them for support. my family has a long history of alcohol abuse. my mum and dad have always drank too much and my older sister seems to be happy following their lead.i dont drink and i refuse to be with them when they drink too. am i doing the right thing looking out for myself first. I know i should be there for them but the thought of sitting through this time dealing with my grief and their drinking makes me panic. any advise? |
| [> Subject: >;-) Re: my sister | |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:24:29 11/09/05 Wed i'm sorry about your sister. i know how hard it is to lose someone so young. i lost my little brother at the age of 24, just over 2 years ago. i think you are doing the right thing for you. they will deal with their grief their way, you have to keep yourself well. hopefully there is someone you can be with around the holidays. please keep posting-- we are here for you. |
| Subject: :-) Message to all | |
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Author: Miranda-Lyn [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:12:03 11/02/05 Wed My Brother passed away, well it'll be I guess 13 years ago, This New Years. My Brother Cholked at a party on December 31st 1992, he was 18, I was 6 (12 years and one day older than me). It took me a long time to even talk about his death. For the longest time I kept thinking that he would come back. I am now 19 and in fact I actually thought I had accepted his death. But when I had my son (09-14-2004), I saw all of my husbands siblings gathered around, and I actually felt resentful. It really scared me. After all its been alomst 13 years. But as all the struggles this past 12 years has brought I learned to deal with it. Theres been alot of memories in my life taht I wish Dwayne were there for, and no doubt there will be more. Dont let anyone tell you how long you should grieve, or how you should express yourself. My biggest fear was that by accepting his death I was forgetting my brother. If I've learned anything its that I havent moved on from him, I've merely moved on in my life. Your sibling will always be a part of your life, your children, and yourself, in there own way. So take as long as you feel you need to grieve your loss, because unfortunitly, this is a fact that all serviving family memebers have to come to terms with... The grieving proccess is never really over, and you'll always miss your sibling. For me once I accepted that the rest kind of, fell into place. Please sont think of me as preaching, I just wanted to share with you what its taken me 13 years to learn. I Feel for each and everyone of you, I cant say I know exactly what your going through because noone really does, but I can say that your not alone. So take your time do what you feel is right, like I said no one knows better that you! |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:01:46 11/07/05 Mon Dear Miranda, Thanks for posting--yes, it is a life long process, especially when you lose a sibling so young. No wonder you feel somewhat resentful when you see someone else who still has all their sibs! Like you, I had to deal with the pain all over again after my children got close to the age I was when my sister died. What has helped is connecting with other people who lost someone at a young age. I hope you will continue to visit us and post again. Pleasant |
| [> [> Subject: :-) Re: Message to all | |
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Author: Miranda-Lyn [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:37:32 11/07/05 Mon Thank you to all that replied, it really meant alot to me. I was so nervous posting a message, because this is such a touchy subject, and some of the pain expressed on this website, is alot fresher than my own. If anyone wants to talk, Just drop me a line. And To the the person whom lost their sibling at young age as well, thank you for relaying your own experience, because its always nice to know that your not alone. Cause let me tell you sometimes, you begin to feel a little crazy, because you feel no one else has ever gone through what you are. So Thanx. |
| Subject: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:21:44 10/25/05 Tue Hello everyone. I have posted here before. I lost my little brother at age 26 to an asthma attack six months ago. I am 28 and I have a 2 year old. We just went through another hurricane and my older brother 30 just stayed with us. It is strange whenever we are together(which is not usual) the relationship feels odd. My little brother and I were very close and he was especially close to my daughter. My older brother is very distant. He doesn't understand children and doesn't really know how to act with them. I miss my brother but mostly I hurt for my daughter. She will not be able to have the relationship with her uncle Jamie she should have had. My mother's birthday just passed and it didn't go well. My younger brother was the emotional and extremely loving one. He was my mom's baby! Now that he is gone it doesn't seem like we can do anything as good as he did. I know she compares us to him. I can feel it. My family seems to be falling apart as if he was the one that glued it together. I can't imagine what the holidays are going to be like. I know it has only been six months but I am still in denial. I see his car in my mom's driveway and I still think oh look Jamie's home. I hope things get better I just can't imagine them getting worse. I think a lot of memories are coming up. He always came over after hurricanes because I was always the only one without power. Now he's not here. It is lonely with him. I can't explain it I have so many people around me, but I am still very lonely without him. |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Jennifer [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:08:48 10/25/05 Tue Hey Kris, I know how hard this is as we all do. Life will never be the same for any of us. I know how you feel about your daughter. My daughter, Kayla, cries almost everyday to have her uncle Tim back. Their lives have also been impacted. I don't know that you are in denial, I think that you are fully aware that Jamie is gone. I think what is happening right now is that your body is trying to protect you and subconscsiouly you are trying to prepare yourself for the holidays. They are difficult to say the least. I think that your mom is having a hard time - you are not supposed to bury your child. I think that often we feel that they are comparing us to the sibling that is gone but I think that they are just trying to express their feelings of how much they have lost. There is a whole in our hearts that will never go away. That aching for one last minute with them to say what needed to be said but Jamie will live on in your for your daughter. I have said before that my relationship with my surviving sibling, Sean is akward. It feels like we don't even know each other but in time it has started to get better and it will for you too. Don't rush things. You have enough grieving left to do. It will take time - it has been a year for me and I don't feel any better. Soon, my hope is to stop focusing on the loss of Tim and on the memories and how nice it was to have him for 28 years. That will help us to get through this. I love you!! Jen |
| Subject: My brother just died suddenly | |
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Author: Sue [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:47:53 10/14/05 Fri My brother (age 53) died of a "massive coronary" on Oct. 12th. I can't bear to talk about it with anyone except my husband. I know I should call his wife and his (adult) children - but I can't. I screamed and sobbed and cried for 11 hours after I heard from my sister about the event. I'm still numb, crying whenever I think of him, disbelieving that he is dead. Now it somehow feels like I'd be giving up my grieving if I have to talk to and comfort his family. I don't want to alienate them; I certainly don't want to become "Aunt-Sue-who-never-even-called" in their memories. But I don't even know what to say. Anything I can think of sounds so hollow. Conventional bereavement phrases are too trite when I have this burning empty hole in me. There are/were 3 of us siblings. In all of our lives we have never been angry or fought with one another (beyond childhood squabbles). When we were together, everyone else was excluded. Our love for each other is (I've been told) unusual and intense for a sibling relationship. My sister understands; we talk on the phone, saying little and meaning so much. "How are you?...numb...me too...are you sleeping?...no, I get up every few hours...me too...I had to search the house for some liquor...I had a bottle handy, Chambord,...me too, that's funny." So we are in tune. Our Loss, Our Brother, more important than husband or father. My grief is big and in technicolor. How do I talk to his family??? |
| [> Subject: Re: My brother just died suddenly | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:46:19 10/15/05 Sat Hi Sue, Everyone in your family is grieving from the loss of your brother, so his children and wife should understand your lack of communication. Siblings are sometimes expected to be the caretakers and our grief is considered secondary to other family members. They are probably overcome with their own grief and might not want to talk about his death either. It is good that you have your sister to talk to about your feelings. I did not have trouble talking to family members when my brother died. But I did not want to share it with coworkers or friends at first. The first time I had to tell someone that he died and the first time I wrote it in an email really tore me up. Somehow his death became more concrete with each person I told. In some small way, it was comforting that people still thought of him as alive. Weird now that I think about it, but at the time it made perfect sense. I do not find it unusual that you are close with your siblings. You and your siblings are actually blessed to have such a special relationship with each other. My remaining brother and I often speak a language that others do not understand; we finish each others thoughts as well as sentences. You will find a way to talk to your brother's wife and children when the time is right for you, Sue. Hopefully they reach out to you, too. take care, Mary |
| Subject: Thinking of my brother | |
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Author: Tiffany [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:58:04 10/09/05 Sun I found this site about a month ago and I have came back here several times to read what everyone writes. I have posted only once before. I have been thinking alot about my brother and the impact it has had on my life. I am 25 years old and my brother was killed August 6, 2002. He was only 25 at the time. He and a buddy had been drinking and then decided to go up to the lake that is about a twenty minute drive from my town. Why they were going up there at 12:30am is beyound me.They made it about 2 miles out of town, went into a big sweeping turn that is called "dead mans curve" and the car flipped about four times. They were both thrown from the car but my brother landed right behind it. The driver survived and my brother died of thermal burns because the car caught on fire and he was unconcious. The only other injury that my brother sustained was a contusion to his head. I went through all the court stuff and thought to myself, "finally some closure" but it has been about a year and a half and I really have not had any closure. My brother was everything to me, we moved a lot when we were kids so a lot of the time all we had was eachother. He was my best friend and my mentor. I am single and have really not dated since my brother died. I want to get married and have kids someday but the prospect of it is really hard knowing that my brother will not be at my wedding and my kids will never know their Uncle Tim. Even though it has been over three years now some days are harder than others but lately it has been a pretty constant thing to be feeling sad and missing him. I still go to counseling every other week. But I am so tired of feeling like this. I wish there was a pill or something out there that would take away the pain and the hole in my heart. I think of him daily and I miss him soooo much. Another thing is that he was not married and had no children. It is so hard to realize that I will never see his kids. He used to always tell me that he wanted 6 kids. I am not sure what to do about the whole social part of my life. I can not bring myself to go out unless it is to the local bar that my friend owns. And since I live in a small town that is not saying much. I am just comfortable there. I spend most of my time working and the rest of my time in front of the TV by myself. I go out to the local bar on Saturdays because my Best friend works there. She is like a sister to me and tries to help but in so many ways she just doesn't understand, because she is an only child. She thought of Tim as a brother so she has hard days here and there. Sometimes I feel that I am just always trying to make sure that everyone else in my life is ok. My Parents, my best friend,etc.. Sometimes I try and think about only myself but then I feel selfish. It sux. Sorry for all the rambling, just having a hard time. If anyone has any advise, I would love to hear it. Thanks. |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:49:03 10/10/05 Mon Hi Tiffany, I am glad that you found us and that you are able to talk about your brother, Tim. It sounds like you have had a very rough time coping without much support. You mentioned some friends and going to therapy; but does anyone around you really understand what you are going through? Losing a sibling is very hard and especially if they were your only sibling. I can't imagine losing my remaining brother. Your loss of Tim, was sudden and unfortunately sounds like it was very public, with the trial and friends involved. Please know that it does sometimes take a very long time to find any sort of balance, after the shock you sustained. Also, you have recently passed another anniversary of Tim's death. Many of us find that we react very strongly to death dates, birthdates, and other special occassions. I certainly understand the bitter sweet passage of time and special events without our siblings. I don't know how you react, but I know that each anniversary date can impact me in a different way. Some years I react worse than others. It can color my whole world shades of grey and take months to regain my sense of balance. Sometimes we just need to talk to other people that understand what we are going through. That seems to have helped me more than anything else, finding kindred souls here on Pleasant's site. take care, Mary |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:19:54 10/12/05 Wed Hi Tiffany- Sorry to hear about your brother. I lost mine Just over 2 years ago. Totaly out of the blue. I can related to your marriage and kids comment. I am planning my wedding. My boyfiend never got to meet my brother. I hope that you keep talking to us. I know that it takes alot of courage to tell us how you are feeling, but remember we all are her for you. I know that is jumping around-- Sorry!! |
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Author: Jennifer [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:19:01 10/14/05 Fri Hi, I just had to write to you. I have posted here before and lost my brother, Tim on October 10, 2004. We just passed the year anniversary of his murder. I have a daughter who was the light of Tim's life and she adored everything about him. She still to this day cries for him and says that she misses her Uncle Timmy. Life is so hard without him and then seeing my dauther's pain is even worse. I know exactly how you feel about social situations. It is so hard to try to go back to the way things were before -in fact, I don't think you can. My friends have all gotten mad at me recently for the lack of "effort" that I put into our friendships. I have explained to them that it is not personal I am just emotionally and mentally drained. There is a hole in our heart for all of us on our website that may never heal - that longing for just one last conversation or one last hug - but with time I think we need to learn to remember all of the good times spent with our siblings and learn to create a new normal. Each of our lives was forever changed - we all need to now discover a new normal. But, believe me it is a lot of work, takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. I will never forget my brother and neither will my daughter but we have to focus on the fact that they live on in us - their heart in ours forever. I hope to see you post again. Each day is a new adventure in our grief process. |
| Subject: Missing my little brother | |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:32:28 10/02/05 Sun I really don't know where to start. I lost my little brother 2 years ago. He was only 24. My family and I really don't know what happen. He was found dead in a bathtub in Vietnam. I still feel like I'm in a dream. I keep pinching myself to wake up. (hasn't work yet) I am not sure how I have made it without him. I know that I'm still in denial. How do you accept something when you don't even know what happened? My mom and dad spoke to him the day before he flew to vietnam. I havn't seen or talked to him for 2 years before he died. I never got to say good-bye or that i loved him. |
| [> Subject: Re: Missing my little brother | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:14:15 10/03/05 Mon Dear Rach, Your story touched my heart--it sounds so confusing and inexplicable. I am so sorry about the death of your little brother. 24 is just too young to die. No wonder it seems like a bad dream--it's so hard to make sense of it--it is so difficult to accept something that you can't explain. And you didn't get a chance to say good-bye. I hope that you will be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to absorb all of this. We are here to listen if you want to post again. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Missing my little brother | |
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Author: rach [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:43:59 10/06/05 Thu Dear Pleasant- thank you for your message. I'm hanging in there. It has been hard. I just can't believe that this has happened. Noone ever thinks that they will lose their brother or sister. It is hard because he was my only sibling. I cryed myself to sleep last night. I just want to know what happened!!! Maybe then, i can try to make some sort of sense out of this. Thank you all for being out there to message to. We will all get through this, some how. |
| Subject: just lost my only sibling | |
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Author: Sue [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:45:09 10/04/05 Tue I just lost my brother to a massive heart attack just three weeks ago, he was 56 years old. It was a shock. He was coming home from a San Francisco Giants game , called his wife and about a hour later had passed behind the wheel of his car coming home not more then a couple of blocks from his house. I jumped on a plane to be with his family (twin girls 24 years old a wife and his grandson that is 5 yrs old). We had the memorial service which was beautiful. I am now feeling the pain more then when he died. I feel sad and depressed and also feel alot of anxiety when the sun goes down. I got the call at one in the morning. Ugh.....I want the pain to go away....I wish this wasn't real!!!!!! Both of my children are getting married next year, I guess his death is too new right now because for at the moment my joy is gone. I know that death is a part of life, but this really sucks! I miss him so much! |
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Author: Deborah [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:03:39 10/05/05 Wed I am sorry for your loss. I lost my brother at 43 to a sudden heart attack July 10, 2003. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. It just gets different. It took a long time to be OK with Thursday afternoons when the moon was full. That is when I first got the call. I still miss him soooo much. Thank you for sharing your pain in this way. It helps to know that I'm not alone in this horrible experience. Anyway.. thanks for sharing. Your right it sucks. |
| Subject: 35 year old brother passed... | |
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Author: misspriss [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:56:32 09/30/05 Fri I lost my brother to a massive heart attack March 2005...He left behind 3 young girls 4year,3year,4month old. How do you learn to accept this? I was the first to get to the ER and had to hold his wife up from falling to the ground and had to call my parents who were out of town that they just lost their oldest and only son. I help with the girls a couple days a week, his wife is living in such chaos right now and sadness, its hard to be around such heavy greif with her and the girls. I try to hold onto faith, and I see other big guys who are way older than he was...why did he have to go? Why did he not heed the warnings and go see a doctor...he definitly had a few warnings. I guess there are some whys and what ifs I just can't get over...Talk about survivor guilt...here I am with a family of my own, on the other exteame...almost don't eat enough...shit, we all have our issues. I never thought his with food would kill him. Every variable played into it...bottom line, he is gone and I don't know how to think about that? |
| [> Subject: Re: 35 year old brother passed... | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:00:04 10/01/05 Sat Hello, I can relate to the shock of losing a brother from a heart attack. My brother age 41, died suddenly of a congenital heart defect while running on a treadmill at a Gold's Gym. He lived on a very low-fat diet, exercised regularly, did not smoke or drink, and was very skinny. Don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I do believe that when it is your time you will die. You are certainly supporting your family and being there for them. I hope that you are also taking a little time to take care of yourself. For many of us, when we first lose our siblings, we are in a state of shock and it is tough to work through all of the conflicting emotions. During the first couple of months, I seemed to swing from exteme anger to overwhelming sadness almost minute to minute. Some of us do not feel anything at first. Please write back and let me know how you are doing.. Mary |
| Subject: :~( Sister's oldest child getting married | |
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Author: Denise [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:33:23 09/21/05 Wed Hi, I've posted on this board before & always found it helpful & supportive. I don't know if this is the right place to share this unsettling concern. My younger sister died in 2/03 from a brain aneurysm. We were all devastated, especially her children. She had a son & daughter from a 1st marriage who were 26 & 25 at the time of Paula's passing. Her youngest daughter from her second marriage was 14. I know that this sounds so mean of me, but the oldest daughter is getting married and sent invitations to the wedding. My heart sunk when I read the front of the invitation saying that the honor of our presence was requested at the wedding of my niece, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Smith (the first husband); I felt that my sister had been robbed of the chance to plan and enjoy her oldest child's wedding because of her death. And then to add insult to injury, they were calling my niece the "daughter" of the 1st husband and his wife (who my niece does not and never did get along with); I have to tell you that I'm not happy with the way that I feel; I don't cause family friction - we're all very close and we work at our relationships within the family; I would never hurt my niece in any way, but it breaks my heart to think that my sister isn't going to be a part of this happy celebration! I guess I just don't want to see her forgotten! She worked so hard for her children........worked 2 jobs when they were little to support them after her divorce; my ex-brother in law took my sister to court 2x's to try to get custody of the children so that he wouldn't have to pay child support - I know that this is an ugly story, but it's a true one; I will always be loyal to her.....we were 16 months apart & shared everything that sisters could share; I still miss her terribly although the daily tears don't happen anymore; If anyone could put a positive spin on this, I'd really love to hear it; I'm having trouble getting thru this one. Thanks! Denise |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:29:04 09/22/05 Thu Hi Denise, This has to be a bitter sweet time for you; a celebration of a niece's wedding but one without your sister present. The passing of each holiday and each new event is another mark of time. Be your sister's eyes during this wedding and provide the balance that your niece will need. Do not let the past or anything else spoil this day for her. I believe that your sister would want you to help make this day special. This will be hard for you, but your sister will be with you that day as you witness her daughter's special day. |
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Author: Denise [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:50:05 09/23/05 Fri Thanks for your kind words. I will absolutely do everything possible to make my niece's wedding day very special for her just as her mother would have wanted it to be. You're right......each new holiday or special occasion makes the loss of her presence more pronounced. It is so hard to watch these children without their mother. I know that her husband will remarry, but her children will experience a huge void without their Mom - I hope that I can help fill that void from time to time, but how could I ever expect it to compare to their mother's involvement in their lives. I hope that I'm able to make some slight difference in their lives. Not only do I love them, but I feel like it's my way of helping my nieces and nephew to experience their mother's love thru me. I don't know if that sounds ridiculous, but it's something that I feel compelled to do. Thanks for listening. Denise |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: Sister's oldest child getting married | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:07:08 09/24/05 Sat Denise, I can relate to your need to help your sister's children. As a child when my sister died, I tried to help my mother deal with her pain. I was a tomboy and my sister was a little homemaker that spent a lot of time with my mom. But after her death, I tried to relate to my mother and be more interested in girl "stuff". I think that when we lose our siblings, many times we try to fill the void for the loved ones around us. Sometimes it helps and other times because their own grief they are not ready to receive your attempt to help. Some of us are better at facing our pain immediately and others have to take it in small doses. When I lost my sister, because of my age I pretty much avoided the pain after the initial shock of her death. Years later when my brother died, I found that my unresolved grief for my sister emerged along with my grief for my brother, Carroll. I really needed to talk to my brother and parents then. My brother was able to talk more about our loss than my parents. It wasn't till later that they were able to share their feelings. Denise, you are a wonderful aunt for wanting to be there for your sister's children and offer a link to their mother. Remember that you need to take care of yourself, too. Let me know all about the wedding... take care, Mary |
| Subject: Loss of Brother | |
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Author: Steph [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:39:19 09/16/05 Fri I found this site just the other day and I have been reading other peoples stories of loss. I think I finally found a place where there are people who know what I'm going through. I lost my brother 4 weeks ago (August 20, 2005). He was 36. He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in July and had surgery to remove his right lung on August 19th. His prognosis was good, but the day after his sugery he started having problems and he passed away that evening. I know he had cancer, so maybe I should have been more prepared for something bad to happen, but I wasn't. And I am still in shock!! I can't beleive that I will live the rest of MY life without my brother!!! I just don't know when it will sink in and maybe I don't want it to sink in....its just so permanent!!!!! I have such a mix of emotions that I can't think straight half of the time, and then at other times I have true moments of clarity. My brother and I werent best friends but I considered him one of my closest friends...I dont know if he felt the same about me....he is older so maybe he still thought of me as his pesky younger sister. I lived in Rhode Island until recently and he lived in North Carolina so we didnt see each other often enough but we did talk on the phone a couple times a week. I guess what I'm getting at is, we didnt see each other every day so why do I feel such a void in my life??? I guess I dont think I should be grieving a bad as I am. Well, I hope I didnt ramble too much. I look forward to meeting some people through this message board who understand what I've just posted and don't think I'm nuts!! Steph |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of Brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:28:44 09/18/05 Sun Hi Steph, I am glad that you found us. The loss of your brother is so recent that is will take time for it to sink in. Just because you and he did not live in the same state or see each other everyday doesn't mean that you should not feel a deep and profound loss. Our siblings share our childhood memories and play a very special part in our lives even if they are not always our "best" friends. You will find that many of us have varying degrees of closeness with our deceased siblings, but all feel the pain of loss just the same. Also, even though he had cancer does not prepare you for the abrubtness of his death. As you say the prognosis was good, so you probably assumed that he would beat the cancer. People, that lose siblings to long battles with terminal illnesses, are many times still not prepared when they die. Many of us just don't want to comprehend the loss of a sibling, someone that is of our generation in the family line. We struggle with the loss of parents and grandparents, but even so this is the "natural" orders of things. To lose a silbing in the prime of their life is earth shattering, for that matter no matter how old they are we are not prepared to lose them. It is a reminder of our own immortality and the loss of a significant person in our lives. Please write again Steph and let me know how you are doing. take care, Mary |
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Author: Steph [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:14:25 09/20/05 Tue Hi Mary, thanks for the reply. I am looking into some sort of group therapy or support group for people dealing with loss. I really need to be around people going through the same thing. Today my parents are going back up to UNC Hospital to talk to my brothers Doctor. He is going to go through the autopsy report with them. I know it is going to be an extremely difficult day for them and I wish I could be there. I hate the fact that I live so far away!! Well, wish me luck in finding a support group. And thanks again Mary for the reply and I am sorry for your loss. Take care Steph |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: Loss of Brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:46:53 09/20/05 Tue Hi Steph, Hope your day was not too tough and that your parents found some peace in the review of your brother's autopsy. Steps like that are not easy, but sometimes help in accepting the loss and starting to grieve. I flew with my brothers ashes from D.C. to South Carolina for my parents to bury. Talk about an emotional flight, I talked to him the whole way. In my own way I told him goodbye while high above earth with clouds underneath me. Check out some of the links on this site for support groups. Let me know how your search goes and take care of yourself. Mary |
| Subject: ? still missing my brother | |
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Author: melissa [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:46:24 09/15/05 Thu It's been 14 1/2 months since my baby brother who was 20yrs old died (june 30,04)I am 15 yrs older than Joey. But even though i'm that much older some how Joey and I are alot alike,I guess that's kinda strange. Sometimes I wonder and question God why did you take my baby brother who has never got to have children or love someone so deaply,why when I've done worse things then he. Joey had so much life to live and love to give to everyone he met. Joey loved everyone never could hurt a sole. |
| [> Subject: Re: still missing my brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:35:06 09/18/05 Sun Hi Melissa, Joey sounds like a wonderful person. It is always hard when you lose a sibling, but I have never lost a younger sibling so cannot imagine the pain. I am so protective of my one remaining sibling. He is a much younger brother and my heart would break if he were to die before me. I also feel that my brother is a gentle soul and adds value to all that are in his life. But Melissa, you are special like Joey. Many of us question why god took our siblings and also why them instead of us. Let me know how you are doing and hang in there...Mary |
| Subject: Oo. Depressed | |
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Author: Beth [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:08:55 09/09/05 Fri Today has been one of those days where everything just seems to be going wrong.I had a horrible day at work,and then when I got off work I learned that my Mom was up at the hospital in the emergency room because she hasn't been feeling good all week and today she woke up with piercing pains in her stomach,and when she called the doctor he told her to go to the hospital.It is now 10PM-she just called from the hospital to tell me and my Dad that they are just now taking her back to be looked at-6 1/2 HOURS AFTER SHE GOT THERE!That's rediculous!I sat up there with her for awhile but I couldn't do it any more because that is the hospital where my brother was taken after he died and that is the place I had to say my goodbyes to him at.So I have been crying my eyes out since I got home because being there at the hospital brought back memories of that horrible day and I am really feeling down in the dumps.I am also missing my boyfriend-he is on vacation in Florida at Walt Disney World until Tuesday,and I am worrying about him because of tropical storm Ophelia because it's right off the coast of Orlando where he is at.I just need people to talk to. |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:07:35 09/09/05 Fri Hi Beth, Hang in there...you have obviously has a very rough day. We all have them once in awhile and need to get it out. Using this board to vent a little is a good way to do so. Also, having to be at the hospital where you last saw your brother plus deal with the stress of your Mom being sick, would have to impact you. Please try not to worry about your boyfriend too much. Orlando is in the center of Florida and the hurricane has stalled for the most part. The weather channel is reporting that it could strike anywhere on the east coast, but probably not till midweek. Beth, my heart goes out to you and I know that it is not easy dealing with the loss of your brother along with the daily stress of living. Let us know how your mother is doing? take care, Mary |
| Subject: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:39:52 07/13/05 Wed I lost my baby brother, he was 26, but he will always be my baby brother on April 2, 2005. He died on my mom's front porch waiting for an ambulance. He died at 10:52am from a sudden asthma attack. He called 911 and his last words were that he couldn't breath. The 911 dispacher said she heard him collapse and by the time the ambulance arrived he was allready gone. No one knows what brought on the sudden attack or why his medication that was lying next to him didn't work. He was a beautiful 26 year old who looked to be in perfect health. I have a 2 year old daughter whom my brother adored. The thought of him not being in her future is heartbreaking. I have another brother 30, I am 28, but we have never been close even though we live in the same town. I feel we should be closer especially now it is just the 2 of us but it seems harder. My baby brother brought love and happiness to everyone he met and his death is a great loss. It seems like everyone, even my husband, (with the exeption of immediate family) thinks I should move on and not grieve anymore, but how can I not. He has always been a huge part of my life. How do you let go & move on. We recently recieved his memorial stone and I am planing a small service on the 6 month anniversary of his death. I hope this will help let everyone remember him and grieve. |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:10:05 07/13/05 Wed Hi Kris, Your brother sounds like he was a warm, wonderful person. As we have expressed in past letters, there is no timeline in grieving nor do any of us handle our losses in the same way.Your memorial service is a way to remember your brother in your own special way. Please understand that by facing your grief you can sometimes start to heal. Other people will not always find expressions of grief easy to deal with, as it makes them uneasy or fearful. Kris, write back and let us know how you are doing.. take care, Mary |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:48:27 07/14/05 Thu Thanks for your responce. You seem to really know what you are talking about it's nice to talk to people who know how it feels to lose a brother and/or a sister. I will let you know how the memorial service goes. It is doing me some good planning the service it makes me feel like I am doing something for him, but it is also hard it's only been 3 months so it is still very hard to believe he's gone. Thanks again, Kris |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: DAD [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:41:50 07/14/05 Thu Sis, I Love you! Dad |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:59:50 07/14/05 Thu Hi Dad, I see you found the site. I love you too. |
| [> Subject: :~( Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author: Tiffany [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:33:27 09/05/05 Mon Hi Kris, I just saw your message and I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. I lost my older brother just over 3 years ago. He was killed in a car accident. Never let anyone tell you how to feel. One of my best friends told me to just get over it and here it is 3 years later and I still am not over it. It is the hardest thing in the world. With time it gets easier but I will never get over it. He was my best friend and my mentor. I am the last remaining child in my family and I run my family business. I always thought that he would be with me running the company side by side, but obviously god had other plans for him. I am in grievance counseling to this day to help me cope but I get through one day at a time, that is all anyone can do. The counseling does help and so does talking about him. I wish you the best and just always know that there are people out there that feel the same as you do. Not much consolation but I hope it does help a little. My best to you and your family. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Loss of my brother | |
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Author:  Kris[ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:11:02 09/08/05 Thu Thanks for the reply. We recently had a memorial service for Jamie. I thought I would feel better after it was over. His headstone is in the service is over. I guess I just felt there would be more closure. It didn't help. I miss him terribly. He has been gone for 5 months now. Sometimes it feels like forever yet other days it hits me like it happened yesturday. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It's comforting to meet another person who shares similar grief. I encourage you to share with others on this site. It has helped me more than I could ever imagine. Feel free to email me if you would like. I am so sorry for your loss. |
| Subject: :~( My older brother Mark | |
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Author: Beth [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:55:20 09/07/05 Wed I lost my older brother Mark on June 27,2004.He was only 32 years old.He died of sleep apnea due to obesity.His wife of not even a year found him but by the time she did it was too late-he had already been gone several hours.My life has changed dramatically since his death.I feel like I have lost a part of myself.I would love to talk to other bereaved siblings who can understand what I am going through. If you live in the Cincinnati area,I have started a Yahoogroup for people who have lost siblings.To subscribe simply copy and paste this link into an email:The_Compassionate_Friends_Of_Cincinnati_For_Sibling_Loss-subscribe@yahoogroups.com |
| Subject: loss of older sister | |
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Author: Jen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:35:41 08/15/05 Mon Last month marked the 26th year of my older sister's death. It was July 1979 and she was weeks aways from her 10th birthday; I was seven. Understandably, it was very hard for me to cope with the loss. I was there at summer camp with her when she suddenly collapsed from a brain aneurysm with no warning. Our family dynamics changed overnight and I was instantly an only child. As the years passed I was able to cope better until in 1998 I became a mother myself. I fear for my own three young children: will they have it? will I lose them, too? do I have it? and will they lose me? I need to start addressing these concerns but don't know where to start. |
| [> Subject: Re: loss of older sister | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:57:23 08/17/05 Wed Dear Jen, This was my experience too--when I had my own kids, I began to really feel the loss of my sister and also fear that they too would get sick. It has taken many years to be able to trust in the universe again. Unfortunately, in my efforts to protect them, I became very controlling, until I was controlling (or felt I needed to control) every tiny movement they made--I was always saying "don't swing your legs" or " don't tap your fingers" "don't put your hands in your pocket" It must have driven them crazy until I learned that controlling behavior most often stems from the fear of abandonment. Finally, I was able to let go. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: loss of older sister | |
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Author: Jen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:30:09 08/22/05 Mon thank you. |
| [> Subject: Re: loss of older sister | |
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Author: Denise [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:29:18 09/05/05 Mon Hi, Jen I read your post with sadness. It must have been very difficult for you and your family to experience the loss of your sister at such a young age and with no warning. I lost my younger sister 2 yrs ago from a brain aneurysm. We have no history of them in our family, so we were stunned. Consequently, I have educated myself on aneurysms because we all had the same questions that you have. One thing I did learn is that anyone can be checked for them with a test called an MRA (not MRI); it is similar to an MRI except that it looks at the blood vessels in your brain to check for any abnormalities. It is painless and takes less than 45 minutes from start to finish; It was recommended to my sister's immediate family that we be checked to see if we might have any abnormalities so that it could be handled before a rupture; 2 of my sisters & I had it done & we are all OK; my other sister was too frightened to go thru with the test; I understand her fear, but I just had to know for myself - hope this helps. There is a website - national brain aneurysm foundation out of Boston that provided tons of information to me & my family. Good Luck! Feel free to email me if you'd ever like further information or just want to share feelings. Denise |
| Subject: Anniversary | |
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Author: Sis [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:24:15 08/24/05 Wed Last Labor Day weekend, my brother Will died in a car accident. He swirved to avoid a car that was cutting into his lane. As a result his car hit a tree, flipped over, then plunged down a 15 foot embankment. All this happened during holiday rush hour traffic going 35MPH down the freeway. The car that caused the accident fled the scene. Will's engagement dinner was the following night. I had to call his finance to tell her the news. Will was 32 and only a year before had finished his residency. He would have had a wonderful life. I'd never cried so much before. My heart had never felt such excruciating pain. Will was my only brother, my only sibling, and one of my closest friends. He was a kind, gentle soul. You couldn't help but wish the best for him always because he was such a nice guy. I can still clearly recall the distinct, infectious laugh he had. It was the kind where his entire body laughed. He introduced me to funny terms he heard like "bacne" (Acne on one's back) laughing that laugh. It has been a very tough year. I can only say that I've been able to make it through by the grace of God. But as the one year mark approaches, I feel myself returning to where it all started. The tears, the sadness, the memories, and sleeplessness are coming back. Please remember me in your prayers. Thank you for this forum. I feel a great sense of relief in being able to share this story with others who have experienced a common loss. I do not have any friends who have lost a sibling and could relate. I have gained much comfort in reading postings of your personal grief journeys. |
| [> Subject: Re: Anniversary | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:30:12 08/26/05 Fri Thank you for sharing your loss with us. My heart goes out to you--it is especially hard to lose someone who is on the verge of so much wonderful change -- then to have it all snatched away. Anniversaries have often been difficult for me too. It feels like the grief is coming back. But there is a difference--it won't last so long this time--you will see. Even now, decades after my sister's death, I have times when I remember her, and feel an ache in my heart. I'm glad that you wrote to us. I hope you'll keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. |
| Subject: Music | |
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Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:15:49 08/03/05 Wed I recently lost my brother I have posted here before. We are having a memorial service at his gravesite next month. I am looking for a song. I have heard a few but nothing has been perfect yet. Anyone know any songs about loss. I feel music is a wonderful way of helping to cope with grief and would really like to find a special song for this most special occasion. Thank you |
| [> Subject: Re: Music | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:01:43 08/03/05 Wed Dear Kris, Welcome back! You might want to check out a CD called Before Their Time at www.beforetheirtime.org I have it and some of the songs are hauntingly lovely. |
| [> Subject: Re: Music | |
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Author: Dustye [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:35:36 08/04/05 Thu Kris, my sister passed away four weeks ago. At her gravesite we released 12 live butterflies (www.themonarchy.com) while playing the song "Ready to Fly" by FFH. It was beautiful. My mother called my sister her butterfly. One of the butterflies landed on her son's hand and one on my finger. The cemetery people said they had never seen anything like that before and the funeral director took the address for the butterflies. Hope this helps. |
| [> Subject: Re: Music | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:26:40 08/17/05 Wed I wanted to thank everyone for there wonderful song suggestions. I did find a song. I was searching through lyrics when all of the sudden I found it! It is perfect it is called With Hope by Stephen Curtis Chapman (from his Speechless Album) I encourage anyone who has lost someone to listen to this song it has helped me. I miss my brother more and more each day and the realization he is gone feels like a ton of bricks everytime I think of him. His memorial stone has arrived and it is bringing up new feelings of grief. We will be having his memorial service Sept 2 as planned. I am looking forward to the time to share his memory with all the people who loved him. I want to say thank you for this site. I met Jennifer who lost her brother although the way we lost our brothers was very different we have bonded through sharing our grief with one another. I think we have emailed almost everyday for about a month. It helps knowing there are people out there that can relate to the grief we all share. Thank you for helping me find someone like her and helping me find peace in knowing there are people out there just as yourselves that really care. |
| Subject: Loss of sister | |
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Author: Dustye [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:56:19 08/04/05 Thu I lost my sister about 4 weeks ago. She was the oldest of four girls. We all live within 10 minutes of each other with my parents as well. She suddenly died at age 42 from what they believe was ASCVD (a heart condition). No warning. Her 10 year old son found her on the living room floor. She was so loved and beautiful. Around 300 people attended the receiving friends. So many people sent flowers from one the florists that the florist sent flowers also. At her memorial we showed 278 pictures along with 20 of her favorite songs on a large screen behind us. My sisters and I, along with my father, gave eulogies. We made a music video of her, with still pictures and footage we had of her dancing at 3 years old, to the song "I Hope You Dance". It was the most beautiful thing ever. Oh how she would have loved all of it. At her gravesite we released 12 live butterflies (my mother called her her butterfly) to the song "Ready to Fly". I miss her terribly. I do find it hard to cry now. I just don't want it to be because I don't miss her as much. I am on antidepressants, and some people say that they stop the crying at times. I just don't want her to think she is forgotten. I feel bad about not crying every day. Any advice? |
| [> Subject: Re: Loss of sister | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:43:06 08/04/05 Thu Not crying everyday is okay. Your sister is in your heart, on your mind and forever a part of your soul. Crying is what the body does to release emotions,and is essential in the healing of a loss. I am not saying you are healed and why that is you do not cry, it is just that right now your body is healing without the use of tears right now and guess what? That is okay! :) |
| Subject: Helping a 3 Year Old With the Loss of Baby Brother to Cancer | |
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Author: Amy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:35:05 08/03/05 Wed I am looking for some help or guidance for a colleage's family. They have just brought their 10 month old son home for hospice care as he is dying from a very agressive and advanced form of brain cancer. They have a 3 year old daughter who is beginning to understand something is really wrong with baby brother. How can they help her understand and grieve? |
| [> Subject: Re: Helping a 3 Year Old With the Loss of Baby Brother to Cancer | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:32:09 08/06/05 Sat The three year old will have her security and attachment needs very active at this time and needs lots of love, holding, and a structured life. |
| Subject: thankyou | |
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Author: Zoe [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:11:54 07/27/05 Wed Hi, I've just been reading bits of this site again. It is such a wonderful website. I've not found any other as helpful as this one. I read the story by Scott about his brother Richard on the stories page. It was so touching, it made me laugh and cry. Just wanted to say how grateful I am that this website exists. Zoe |
| [> Subject: Re: thankyou | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:02:10 07/28/05 Thu Hi Zoe, Glad that you found Pleasant's site and that it has helped you. Many of us found this site by searching for answers and ended up finding each other. Please let us know what your story is if you are able. We are all good listeners. Usually you can find someone on the site that has had a similar experience and is able to relate to you. All of us can understand the pain of loss. Many of us also know what it is like to grieve when no one around you seems to be able to understand. take care, Mary |
| Subject: >:-( Books on Loss | |
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Author: Kevin [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:30:06 05/16/05 Mon This is my first post here. I read the part of the site about college students who have lost siblings. I am 20 and my 17 year old sister was killed in a car accident last month. I just want to know if there are any good books out there I should read to help me cope. I feel totally lost. I'm mostly angry because of the circumstances of the crash. She was going 5 mph under the speed limit and ran into a tree. She was not drinking or on drugs and was the only one in the car. No one knows how or why she crashed. She had 0 broken bones, didn't lose a drop of blood, and suffered no brain trauma. The jolt of the car hitting the tree broke her neck in an instant. So, does anyone have any advice or help that they can offer to me? -Kevin, CA |
| [> Subject: Re: Books on Loss | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:38:42 05/17/05 Tue Dear Kevin, I am so sorry about your sister's death--it's almost incomprehensible that she died so quickly, and with no obvious signs. You had no warning and it happened so recently--it makes sense that you feel lost right now. Your feelings are still so raw. It takes a lot of time to begin to heal. Talking about it does help, so I'm glad you posted here. You asked for a book to read. You might want to read one by Scott Mastley called "Surviving a Sibling". Scott's brother also died in a car accident. Although they were both a little older than you, I think you will connect with what he has to say. Please visit us again and let us know how you are doing. |
| [> Subject: Re: Books on Loss | |
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Author: Zoe [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:12:52 07/18/05 Mon Hey Kevin, I'm really sorry for the loss of your sister, it is so very recent so just take 1 day at a time. I'm 19 and I lost my brother suddenly 4 years ago. I have since read 2 books on sibling loss, 'Name all the animals' a really touching true story by Alison Smith (a story based on her own experience of losing her brother in a car crash) which I found really comforting and 'Recovering from the Loss of a Sibling' a non fiction book of accounts by siblings who have lost a brother or sister. It is comforting to read others stories and know that you are not alone. If you look on Amazon.com or the list of books on this site also, you will find others that you may find comfort from reading. do post again, I have found the most support from others who have lost their siblings too. Take care, Zoe x |
| Subject: :~( Not dealing well | |
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Author: Crissie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:48:16 07/01/05 Fri Hello I lost my brother on May 9th if this year and I do not know how to deal with it. I really have not cried I have not even begun to grieve and I am doing alot of blaming myself. Can someone please help me, let me know how long this takes, and what the steps are?? Lost and lonely |
| [> Subject: Re: Not dealing well | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:29:10 07/02/05 Sat Hi Crissie, It has only been a very short time since you lost your brother. Sometimes when people are not able to handle something emotionally they feel numb. Also, many of us blame ourselves for our sibling's death at first. We think that if only we had called them, if we had stopped them from getting into that car, or maybe if we had just prayed a little harder. Sometimes because we have quarreled with them in the past we feel responsible. There are a million reasons to feel guilty and non of them make us responsible. Also, there are different steps towards healing for most of us. There is not right way to grieve, but for most of us talking to others and reaching out has helped. But for some people it hurts to talk to others. Many of us search the web or read books that sometimes help. Many of us stay in touch here and that seems to help; knowing other people that understand. Hope this helps you, Crissie. Please write back and let me know how you are doing. take care, Mary |
| Subject: :~( It has been a while | |
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Author: Brigette [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:37:25 06/16/05 Thu It has been a while since I have posted. I am finding it hard to cope once again. I just got married in March and my husband is awesome. But, whenever I start to feel sad and tell him about it, he just looks at me. He never says anything and it makes me feel like he just doesn't care. I know that he does, maybe he just doesn't know what to say. My birthday is coming soon....my second one since Casey's death. I almost feel like I am only going to be 2. At any rate, it's alost like there are not words anymore to describe how I feel. It is starting to get to the point where I wonder if everyone still thinks of Casey. I have wanted so bad to dream of him, or to have him visit me in some form or another. But, nothing has ever happened. I look at his pictures and that part of my life now seems light years away. I am holding everything in because there is noone to talk to anymore. I guess it has been long enough for some, just not for me. Thanks for listening. Brigette |
| [> Subject: Re: It has been a while | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:57:52 06/16/05 Thu Hi Bridgette, Good to hear from you again. I was wondering how you were doing...As time passes, it always seems so strange that our siblings are not with us anymore. To me it feels like yesterday somedays and a million years ago on other days. I've never thought of grief in the manner that you talked about..being only 2. That makes sense when you stop and think about it. Each birthday we have is another year past the age of our sibling's death and they stay forever the same age. I get the same reaction from my family as you get from your new husband. The first Christmas after Carroll died, I raised a glass to toast his memory. My parents just stared at me and said absolutely nothing. Many people just don't seem to be able to talk about death and loss...guess it makes them uncomfortable. Remember that you have people on this site that do understand what you are going through. All of us have different timelines for grief and there is no set time to healing. take care, Mary |
| Subject: Visiting the grave | |
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Author: Lois [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:58:27 02/06/05 Sun Do you ever get over this? I live near the place where my sister is buried and I have to go by the entrance to the cemetery every day when I am home visiting my parents. My mother says she goes to the grave every day. Not that I resent my sister but I want to remember her life, not her death. |
| [> Subject: Re: Visiting the grave | |
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Author: Christine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:36:24 02/06/05 Sun >My sister died almost 3 years ago. I also live very near the cemetery where she is buried. For the first 6 months after she died, I visited her grave everyday. Her death was so new and still so painful that I felt closer to her when I was at the grave site. I also remember being very angry with her for dying and leaving us all. I can't explain why I had the need to visit the grave everyday, but after aoubt 6 months, I started going to the cemetery less and less. Now the only time I go is on her birthday, December 30th, and in the spring to plant flowers. I, like you, prefer to remember and celebrate her life. |
| Subject: Today is her birthday | |
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Author: Denise G [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:07:06 06/09/05 Thu Today was such a sad day for me. My sister who died 2 years ago would have been 49 today. Although I know in my mind that she is gone, in my heart I still get the feeling sometimes that maybe she'll be coming back. I never could have anticipated that the loss would be so dramatic. I still have 3 other sisters and I'm thankful for each one of them, but I've been feeling Paula's absence more and more lately. She and I were close in age and shared so many experiences and friendships. Our children grew up together. Her youngest daughter is a junior in high school this year. It breaks my heart to think of her reaching these milestones in her life without her mother, my sister. That's what Paula lived for......I know that I'm rambling, but I also know that all of you out there understand my heartache. Thanks for listening. |
| [> Subject: Re: Today is her birthday | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:39:16 06/09/05 Thu Hi Denise, Birthdays and anniverseries can be so difficult; I know what you mean about thinking that they might be coming back. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about something to share with my brother and then realize that I can't. My heart goes out to you on this day and I am thinking of you. take care, Mary |
| Subject: My brother Lincoln | |
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Author: Maxine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:30:49 06/01/05 Wed Since my brother died, life hasn't been the same. I feel incomplete and wonder how my precious mum and dad are coping. They wanted to die too when he left us, but my daughter Annie, who was 5 months at the time, gave them a will to live. Even though it's been 15 years, I still talk to him every day, cry and miss him so much. I can't bear the future without him. It was always just the two of us growing up, and so close, that it all seems surreal sometimes. I've loved and cried, reading all your stories on this forum and feel close to you all. I want to add too, I have two precious children and know how lucky I am to have them. They're my world, and my life. Thankyou for sharing my story, and if anyone can help me to deal with this loss, I'd love to hear from you. Thankyou so much. |
| [> Subject: Re: My brother Lincoln | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:38:32 06/01/05 Wed Dear Maxine I am so sorry about your brother's death--so young and full of life. The way he delayed his leaving home makes you wonder if he knew deep down that he wouldn't be coming back. How wonderful that you got those final videos--what a treasure. It seems particularly difficult for you since you were so close growing up. Yes, the pain goes on at birthdays and other special times, and this pain too will pass. We have all had a similar loss and understand what you are talking about. I hope that you will visit again and let us know how you are doing. |
| [> Subject: Re: My brother Lincoln | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:38:17 06/01/05 Wed Hi Maxine, I'm glad that you have decided to share your story about Lincoln with us. Your relationship growing up is something for you to cherish. From your description of him, he sounds like he was a wonderful brother and son. Pleasant is right about anniversarys, holidays, and other significant times; it seems to bring our grief to the surface. I appreciate you letting us know about him, please write again and let us know how you are doing. Mary |
| Subject: My brother Lincoln | |
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Author: Maxine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:43:10 05/31/05 Tue On April 21st this year(2005) it was my darling brother's 15th anniversary of his passing. He was 27 when he died, in an horrific car rally crash, here, in South Australia. He was actually a rally car driver, and a great one at that. In this particular race (round 2 of the State Rally Championships 1990) he was navigating for a novice driver at Clare Valley. The driver wasn't just a novice but a learned rally driver and knew plenty about cars. The morning Linc left home to go on that rally, Mum had a strange feeling, and said "Linc, why haven't you left yet, you're normally gone at 8.00am (it was about 10.00am). You said you'll just finish watching this video, then go. After 27 years at home, countless rallys, you then left home. Mum grabbed her camera and took endless photos of you walking out of the house and into van. You had your own car and Escort cars for racing, but this day, dad's friend, Dave, lent you his van. Then you left, and kissed mum on the cheek, and she said "have I got anthing to worry about today Linc? I'd die if I lost you." "no, you won't", he said. You set off, and the photos that mum took were your last. You never came home. |
| Subject: Lost | |
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Author: Marianna [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:01:48 05/19/05 Thu My younger brother Danny died in a car wreck...It was 2 day's before his 36th B'day... We had his party on Sunday before he died on Wed.... It was the last time most of my family and I saw him...My Mom is a basket case who has to take care of her Mom 24/7...I do all I can to try to help...but thing's jus seem to be gettin worse instead of better...Danny died Feb.9th 2005...it's been over three month's.. Danny was the rock of our family..His famous saying " Life is to short to be miserable" oh my God....was he right...But how can you NOT be miserable...when one of the biggest parts of your life is gone forever? He has left a wonderful wife that was with him 18 yrs. an 2 beautiful kids..So young.. Trayce is only 32...and a widow with 2 kid's...She lives next door to my Mom... I jus need to hear some feed back...Will I ever feel anything but pain again? Marianna |
| [> Subject: Re: Lost | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:21:21 05/19/05 Thu Dear Marianna, It is so hard to lose someone who has been such an important part of your life. It does take a long time and you wonder why you aren't feeling better. But in time, you will feel better and, although the grief may come back from time to time, such as at his birthday or the day he died, most of the time, you will feel better. It sounds like you are suffering from his loss as well as from your compassion towards your mom and your brother's wife and kids. It really hurts to see such a young woman widowed and children left fatherless, and to see your mother so helpless in her grief. There is so much that your brother will miss in their lives. However, you will learn with time, that even this terrible blow can be absorbed and softened. It's important to turn some of your compassion towards yourself and be especially gentle towards your self right now. Let us know how you are doing. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Lost | |
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Author: Marianna [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:33:10 05/25/05 Wed Thank you soo much for your support and wisdom |
| Subject: :~( loss of my brother | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:57:11 05/21/05 Sat June 30,2004 the day my whole world changed. I lost my baby brother of 20 yrs that day, a day I never thought would come for me or at least it was'nt supposto. Joey was the baby in the family he made us all worry about him and try to look after him. He could make you so mad and then the next moment you would be laughing at him. He gave us so much, like showing us that you should love everyone for who they are and not who you want them to be. Joey was 15 yrs younger than myself (I being one of the oldest of 5) I alway's felt like I had to help Joey with everything because our mom was too sick with heart problems. I sould have been there when he needed me and I wasn't and for that reason alone I'm having the hardest time right now along with loving him so much and needing him . I don't really know what i'm asking for here or if i'm actually asking for anything except to express my grief. |
| [> Subject: Re: loss of my brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:24:03 05/21/05 Sat Hi, Joey must have been very special, as to accept and love people for who they are is a rare gift. Many of us that find this site, do not really know what it will do for them at first. Just talking to other people that understand and who have had similar losses seems to help somehow. You sound like you were there for your whole family while growing up. Please don't be so hard on yourself and write back if you want. take care, Mary |
| Subject: Trial | |
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Author: Jennifer Gray [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:49:03 05/20/05 Fri Monday, May 23rd will be the first day of the trial for the person responsible for murdering my brother, Tim. He died 10/10/04 at the age of 28. My birthday is Tuesday, May 24th and I am scheduled to testify that day. Although the evidence is overwhelming, I still worry about the verdict. I miss my brother so much and still think of all the things that he will not be able to do or see. He was murdered by someone who was in love with his girlfriend. Has anyone ever been through a trial and can you please offer your expertise or advice? I would truly appreciate it! |
| [> Subject: Re: Trial | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:02:00 05/20/05 Fri Hi Jennifer, How difficult this must all be on you, to lose your brother and now have to testify. I have had to testify before, but not for the murder of a loved one. I was attacked by a man while away at college. After the attack, he stalked me for a period of time before he was finally caught. I testified against him and he was found guilty. It really is not too hard to testify, especially when you are testifying about something important to you. Concentrate on the lawyer's questions and answer them to the best of your ability. Also, think about how you are doing the right thing in helping to convict someone that should not be allowed to go unpunished. Let me know how things go Tuesday. Take care, Mary |
| Subject: surviving | |
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Author: pauline [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:08:40 04/19/05 Tue this is my first visit. I have recently found this site. I am now an adult of 38 and i lost my brother to heart disease when i was 11 and he was 7. I have one remaining brother of 36. My loss has torn my life apart and this past few years i have been in therapy to begin to untangle the pain and destructon that i have experienced. nothing can take away the constant pain that i feel daily. the loss is like losing a vital part of my body and even after all these years it is as raw as ever. i sometimes wonder if i will ever heal. i struggle with every day life and with relationships within my own family and friends. I have had 3 children of my own and a wonderful supportive man and am fiercely protective of them. I wonder at times if i have tried to recreate the perfect family that was taken away form me. Although i have spent a large part of my life feeling undeserving and guilty for survival thru my therapy i am learning that is is ok to survive and perhaps one day not to feel so alone. |
| [> Subject: Re: surviving | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:16:47 04/19/05 Tue Hi Pauline, I'm glad you found us and that you are seeing someone to help you with your loss.It is never easy to deal with a loss of a sibling. Sometimes when you lose someone at a young age, you are not able to handle the situation and years later are finally able to face the feelings and work on your grief. Buried grief will manifest in many different ways. Please let us know how you are doing.. take care, Mary |
| Subject: :~( The anniversary of my sisters' death | |
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Author: Randy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:52:07 04/14/05 Thu The anniversary of my sisters'death,Dana,is approaching once again.My reactions to situations are more emotional.I'm sad,and,I don't smile as much. I attended a memorial service recently for somone Dana was close to.It was hard to sit their. I wanted to leave.Out of respect, I stayed.Towards the end,a slide show was presented.A touching picture of the person whom had passed,and my sister,flashed on the screen.I realized they were together in the same place. I was, at the moment, envious. People still approach me and tell me how sorry they are. Somehow I wind up comforting them. I tell people "It's okay." I'm not okay.However,my responsibilities demand I continue to function. I have a husband,and a daughter. They need me. I do not share my unending grief with them. They do not understand it. I know that I cannot live the rest of my life in this town. My daughter will graduate from high school,and move away.I will then leave. The memories are everywhere.The apartment she lived in,the coffee shop she hung out at, I feel overwhelming sadness when I drive by. I will be taking May 4th off from work. I have every year since Dana died.I will visit every grocery store,every coffee shop, and redistribute posters about her murder.When I am too tired to continue,I'll make one last stop.The beach. There,I will listen to Terry Jacks sing "Seasons in the Sun",and cry.It is how I choose to honor Dana. I know she will be watching,and thinking " I miss you too, Randy." |
| [> Subject: Re: The anniversary of my sisters' death | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:59:41 04/14/05 Thu Hi Randy, My thoughts are with you during the anniversary of your sister's death. I understand your feelings on that day, as I have spent years struggling with my emotions on Sept 4th. That was the day my sister, Norma died of spinal meningitis. She has been dead for more than 30 years now and I still do not always know how the anniversary day will go. I used to try to take the day off, but in my present job it is not always possible.I do spend at least part of the day remembering her. Please let me know how you are doing and write more about yourself and Dana if you feel like it.. take care, Mary |
| [> Subject: Re: The anniversary of my sisters' death | |
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Author: Christine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:02:31 04/16/05 Sat Hi Randy, My thoughts are with you as your sister's anniversary date approaches. The day you posted was the 3rd anniversary of my sister Barbara's death. I always struggle with my emotions during the week before the the actual day. I anticipate that I will be an emotional mess when the day actually arrives. I haven't ever taken the day off, but, like Mary, always spend the day remembering Barb. I always visit the cemetary and bring yellow roses, Barb's favorite. It is still so difficult to accept. My prayers are with you. Christine |
| Subject: Too late to get professional help? | |
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Author: Christine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:13:35 03/28/05 Mon It's been almost 30 years since my only brother died at birth and I feel like I've still never dealth with any of the pain or confusion. I was almost 10 at the time. Now that I have my own young children, I find myself wanting so much to keep anything bad from happening to them -- physically or emotionally. I also have feelings of envy toward my younger sister, who has always been particularly close to my parents. Now she is financially well off and yet still asks for and gets all kind of help from our parents. (She was just 4 in 1976.) When my children bicker, I feel very anxious ... I want very much not to play favorites the way I feel my parents did/do with us. I know my parents were doing the best they could as they dealt with their own grief, but I'm somewhat angry that they didn't take me to a counselor or otherwise try to help me deal with the baby's death back then. 'Even though so many years have passed, I feel like I have to work through these feelings. But I'm not sure what to do or where to start. It's very scary to contemplate digging through all this stuff and yet I feel very strongly I cannot not just go on with things as they are. |
| [> Subject: Re: Too late to get professional help? | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:57:53 03/28/05 Mon Hi Christine, There is not time limit on feelings, grief, or sorting things out. I think that sometimes feelings surface when we are ready to deal with what we buried long ago. I know that my denied grief for the loss of my older sister surfaced 30 years later when I lost my 2nd sibling. It took me by surprise the waves of grief for her, as I was grappling with the pain of my brother's sudden death. For me talking about their loss has helped. So please Christine, by all means reach out for someone to hash through all of it with. It will hurt, but allowing your feelings to emerge usually helps in the long run. take care, Mary |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Too late to get professional help? | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:02:32 04/04/05 Mon Mary, thanks so much for your response and for taking for me. I really appreciate that. I found a grief counselor and have an appointment this week. I'm excited about maybe finally dealing with this, but also somewhat nervous of course. I tend to cry as soon as I start to talk about my brother's death or anything from around that time. What if I just sob and can't explain anything to my counselor? |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: Too late to get professional help? | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:48:36 04/04/05 Mon Christine, I am glad that you have found someone to talk to about your grief. Let me know how things go and if it helps you to deal with everything going on in your life. Having children plus modern day life plus any hurt or loss should equal a time out to sort through your feelings. take care, Mary |
| Subject: I miss my brother | |
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Author: Karen Randall [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:26:52 03/16/05 Wed My wonderful brother, Steve, died June 7 2004. He was 44 years old. We really dont know how he died. He was at home in Arizona and just passed away in the night. I miss him so very much. He was such a funny guy, we would laugh until we hurt. How will I ever be able to explain who he was to people who never got to meet him? A picture is worth a thousand words, but a thousand words could never explain the person that he was. The hurt is so deep, and it seems no one really understands. I feel that my friends care about me, but I dont think they can possibly understand. I dont want to share the times when I am down, because I dont want to bring others down. Its good to know that there is a place to talk to others who know how I feel. |
| [> Subject: Re: I miss my brother | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:36:37 03/18/05 Fri Dear Karen, I am so sorry about the seemingly inexplicable death of your brother. Not knowing why he died makes this so hard to understand. No wonder you miss him--it sounds like he was a great brother. I know what you mean when you wish that you could tell people how special he was. It hurts especially to feel that others don't understand your pain. Yes, you have to have lost a sibling to truly know what it is like. Please don't worry about bringing other people down. You need to tell your story and life is not just all about having fun. This is real and it is an honor when you share your grief with friends. Please keep in touch with us and let us know more about yourself. |
| Subject: My Brother | |
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Author: Jan [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:28:51 03/15/05 Tue I just came on this site and thought I would post. My brother killed himself on Jan 20, 2005. He had talked of suicide before, but I could always talk to him and talk him out of it. He had gotten AIDS on purpose 10 years ago because he wanted to die. He just up out of the blue killed himself without calling anyone, I just cant believe he done it. I know he thought no one cared, but they did. I am the oldest of 4, I was alot older than my brothers and sister, always taking care of them when we were growing up, I feel like he was my own kid. My mother is not around, we only see her about once a year, I guess I feel a little anger because she didnt even come here on the day he killed himself, my father and I had to take care of everything, that makes me a little mad at her. I have days I'm okay, then days that the memories just overwhelm me, and I can't stop crying. I wonder if I should get some counceling or try to tough it out on my own? |
| [> Subject: Re: My Brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:05:21 03/15/05 Tue Hi Jan, It is so hard to lose a sibling, but one that was like your child must be even harder. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have been there for all of your siblings. Please know that it takes awhile to work through all of the emotions when grieving. It never hurts to find someone to talk to if you think that it would help you. Please be gentle with yourself right now Jan and let me know how you are doing. Take care, Mary |
| [> [> Subject: Re: My Brother | |
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Author: Jan [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:48:25 03/16/05 Wed Thank you Mary, I will |
| Subject: over 6 months | |
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Author: Veronica [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:21:32 03/10/05 Thu Its been a little over 6 months since my little sister died. It was just the two of us. Why is it, right when I thought things would start to get better for me I feel as bad as the day she died. Ive started to cry hard again (I cry every day, but not the deep, hard, sobbing crys) I just still cant believe shes gone. I feel so lost and unhappy constantly. Im tired of feeling this way. Im 40 years old, (my sister was 11 mos younger than me.) I have 2 young boys who need constant attention. Sometimes I dont even feel as if Ive had time to really understand what has happened. She died suddenly in her sleep. I was never able to say goodbye to her although I did see her 4 days before she died and we told eachother we loved each other and hugged goodbye. I want to start feeling better. My mother asked that the next time we talk on the phone we not discuss my sister. I almost cant help it. Why am I feeling just as bad as the first day again? Can anyone explain? Thanks |
| [> Subject: Re: over 6 months | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:50:42 03/11/05 Fri Hi Veronica, As you know losing a sibling is not easy to get over. In fact I never think that we really truly ever get over it. There is no set time on grief and some of us take longer to work through the stages of grief towards healing. It sounds like you regret not being able to tell her goodbye. Many of us that lose a sibling suddenly feel the same way. The last time I talked to my brother was by phone Thanksgiving and he died a week before Christmas. I regret not calling him again, but I did send his Christmas present early. I don't know why, but something compelled me to send his present early. Veronica, please give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself right now. It might help if you can find someone that specializes in grief counseling or a support group for people that have lost loved ones. Please reach out to someone that will listen to you and will encourage you to talk about your feelings. take care, Mary |
| [> Subject: Re: over 6 months | |
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Author: Denise G [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:29:47 03/14/05 Mon Hi, Veronica I'm so sorry for your loss; it sounds as though you loved your sister very much; I'm glad for you that your last memory of her was one in which you told her that you loved her; that is something to hold on to; I lost my younger sister suddenly too; she was 46 yrs old - died from a brain aneurysm; It's been a little over 2 yrs since she died; I still miss her everyday, but it's not as intense as it was; grief is a process; I know that you don't feel it right now, but you have made some progress; like you said, you're not experiencing the deep, sobbing pain; little by little, it'll be easier to think of your sister without it causing a tidal wave of emotions; be gentle with yourself; - your grief is your own - there is no right or wrong way - no time limit on how long it should last or how deep you'll feel the pain; try to do things that lift your spirits - I enjoy the outdoors, so I try to get out in my garden or take a walk - I also try to watch a funny film or read an uplifting book - whatever brings you joy; I also post on this board from time to time & it has been a real source of support for me to know that others truly understand what I'm feeling; please know that I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers; feel free to contact me anytime; Peace. Denise G |
| Subject: my brother | |
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Author: alia [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:11:08 03/09/05 Wed Hi I lost my brother to suicide.They found him in his house May4,2002.I will never forget the day my stepdad told me.I thought he was joking.How could this happen?He was so young only 26.It really sucks to have lost him but I am trying to move on.Alia |
| [> Subject: Re: my brother | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:42:00 03/09/05 Wed Hi Alia, Sorry about the loss of your brother. It is not easy to move on as we think. Like you when my dad told me that my brother had an accident by falling off a tread mill and hitting his head then dying of a heart attack; I did not want to believe what he was saying. My brain latched onto the accident part and I did not want to believe the rest. I do know by talking about my loss it has helped me to heal and be able to enjoy life again. You have found other people that have been where you are now...write again if you want... take care, Mary |
| Subject: So so sad | |
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Author: Luck [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:12:44 03/03/05 Thu I am so so sad. My brother, Josh, was found dead in his house at the age of 26. He is my ONLY brother. I am so sad. I cry all the time. I am 29 and I miss him so much. He died 2.21.05. I can't even understand how March has started without him. I have two kids, 4 & 2, that are just not able to understand why I am so sad. I hate this so much. I feel tangled and sad inside. My brother's nickname for me was Lucky or sometimes Luck...I feel so very very unlucky now. |
| [> Subject: Re: So so sad | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:12:24 03/03/05 Thu Hi Lucky, I am so sorry for your loss of Josh. Please know that you have people here that care and will listen to you. Each passing day at first can be very hard to deal with, I used to be angry at every holiday that came and went without my brother. Please write again and let us know how you are doing. Also when you feel like it, check out the links and information Pleasant has on her page. Much of the information she has posted here helped me. take care, Mary |
| [> [> Subject: Re: So so sad | |
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Author: Lucky [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:08:48 03/04/05 Fri Today was hard. I spent the afternoon with my kids in front of cartoons and myself in my bed crying. That is SO VERY not me. I hate this new person I have become. Short, mean, snapping at everyone. In the morning it will be one week since we laid Joshy to rest. That makes me want to puke! I look at caller ID for him to call and he isn't calling. I am sick of this process already!!! Totally sick of it! |
| [> [> [> Subject: Re: So so sad | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:27:15 03/04/05 Fri Lucky, I know that it is very tough for you right now, but please do not be so hard on yourself. You have lost Josh and nothing is going to be the same for quite awhile. The first couple of weeks are very hard and you need to be gentle with yourself. Is there someone that can help you with your kids for the time being? You need time to grieve and not worry about what others think right now. If not, let them know that Mommy is sad about Josh and it is not about them. Please continue to write and let me know how you are doing. take care of yourself, Mary |
| [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: So so sad | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:59:22 03/05/05 Sat I have had people come and go to help me with the kids. It is just that, well, life goes on for other people. I wish it wouldn't. I still can't even understand how it is March and Josh died in February. It is as if it happened five minutes ago. It seems so fake. Shouldn't it be more real since I went through the process of laying him to rest? I mean every phone call that comes through I think it is him. I think this is all a very bad bad dream or hoax. Today we had an event at my church. That was the last place I saw Joshy alive. That pretty much stunk. Then all my aunts, uncles, and cousins went out to eat with me and my parents. My heart started beating in my chest so hard I thought it would explode. This was a Josh-type of day. I went to the restroom and tried to calm down. No one was evening talking about Josh...not a bit. What is wrong with these people? I started saying stuff about him and everyone got very quite. I just can't stand this stuff. I won't forget about him, or hide him, or be sad to call him brother. I won't act like he was never here. I won't forget him. He was half of my childhood. Mary, what is your story? Maybe it could help me. |
| [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: So so sad | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:01:04 03/05/05 Sat It does not seem real at first, Lucky, when we lose them to death whether it be sudden or a long illness that takes them. I lost my sister to spinal meningitis when I was 11, she was one month shy of her 13th birthday. I was not allowed into her hospital room or able to see her after she died. I spent years trying to pretend that she did not die. My dreams were filled with her just one step ahead of me, but I could never catch up with her. And eventually I would lose her in a crowd of people. Then 6 years ago I lost my brother to a sudden heart attack. He had a congentital defect that was undetected eventhough he had recently undergone knee surgery. We were army brats (moved 19 times by the time I was 17) and because of the moving we were not only siblings but best friends. His death brought up much of the buried grief of my sister's death. It was tough dealing with the strong overwhelming emotions of my double loss. My brothers and sister were my only link to my childhood memories. I still have one brother left and he is my heart. Like you, the first Christmas after I lost my brother Carroll (he died Dec 17th); my family was together but no one was talking about him. When I brought him up everyone looked at my like I had two heads, too. If you read some of the articles on this site, they explain that many people grieve in different ways. For me, I have to talk about my loss and feelings. Some people apparantly aren't able to talk about their loss. Hmm...guess we all handle things differently. Lucky, the first months are the hardest for most people. I am not saying that you will ever get over this, but most of us do learn to live and even laugh again. But it takes time and doing what ever you need to do to heal. So don't be afraid of whatever you need to do to remember Josh and express your feelings. take care, Mary |
| Subject: Can't Deal | |
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Author: Jessie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:48:03 02/21/05 Mon My big brother just passed away on Sept 30, 2004, I can't deal with it. I keep it together for my parents. Then behind closed doors I breakdown. I'm so hard headed, just like he was. There's times that i just don't believe he gone. I feel that he is on a car trip or at work. We worked on our cars together and he taught me new things. It's only been 4 months and it feels as if he never was. I don't want to feel that way. My friends sometimes don't want to talk about it because they feel it will upset me, but I try to explain to them that i want to talk about him. I may start to cry, but I don't want to forget him. My parents are going to some meetings where there are other parents have lost a child and they told me that there are meetings for sibling too. I haven't gone to any yet..I think it will help at least they know what i'm going through. I just want to see how the chatrooms and online things worked, incase i couldn't make the meeting. |
| [> Subject: Re: Can't Deal | |
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Author: PLeasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:49:35 02/22/05 Tue Hi Jessie, I am so sorry about your brother's death. Those words are not adequate for the loss, I know but I never really know what to say. Your grief is still very fresh. You didn't say how he died, or if you had any warning, but in either case, I highly recommend going to the sibling group if you possibly can. Meeting other bereaved siblings is a big part of the healing process. I hope you will write back and tell us more about your brother. Meanwhile, please do go to the meetings and let us know how you are doing. |
| [> Subject: Re: Can't Deal | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:51:46 02/22/05 Tue My brother Brian was killed in a motorcycle accident. He collided with a tractor trailer. He died instantly. He was only 24 and has a 5 year old daughter. He had so much going for him. He had been laid off work for about 6 months and found a great job with a company called VAST. He loved it. You did have a time to punch in just as long as you were there by 12 noon. If you got your job done you could leave. It was perfect for him. The whole reason he got the motorcycle was because he was having some problems with his car and it ended up dying on him..so he bought the bike. My dad tells me that he may think that Brian knew he was going. The weekend before he went to see my brother down at school, I got to hang out with him the night before he died, and the morning of the day he died he gave my dad a kiss on the forehead, told my mom he loved her and went to see his daughter before she left for school. It's almost as if he made sure he had everyone covered. I don't know if people can sense those things or not. But there are some thing that I think about all the time. I was the first person to know about his accident(I was home alone), I was the last person to hang out with him and the last thing I said was "I love you,Brian, Good Night." and I was the last one to see him go. I stayed after at the cemetry to see him lower down.I had to tell my mom, brother and his friends. The only person I didn't have to tell was my dad. I'm only 20 and that feels like a lot of weight on my shoulder. I just want to know why I was chosen for that. Was that to show me that I'm going to have to be the strong one through this for my family. I just don't know. I miss him so much. God Bless to all of you. |
| [> [> Subject: Re: Can't Deal | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:37:27 02/23/05 Wed It is so hard when your brother died so suddenly, but I am glad that you got to tell him that you love him and that he did check in with each of you before the accident. It sounds like his life was turning around and going well. You are very young to have to experience such a task--that of being the one who tells people the terrible news. It makes you wonder why it was you and not someone else. You may feel that you have to be the strong one, but it's important that you take care of yourself and not just other people. I hope you will write back and tell us more about yourself. We have all experienced the death of a brother or sister and do understand. Take care. |
| Subject: still finding it hard | |
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Author: No name [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:24:26 02/19/05 Sat My sister passed in Aug of 2001. I had just had my son that May. It's almost been fours years since and i stillcon't get over it. It may be a little selfish, but I'm not sure if her death that is still bugging me or the fact that im the only one left to provide grandchildren. I feel as if i have to provide more to make up for her. It upsets me that I will never have blood related neices or nephews. I'll only be on aunt to my husband's. When we were kids, we used to fight over who got what when our parents died. Now i will get everything and i dont want a thing. just her. i feel as if it has put a big stress on me. children marriage, finishing college, i have to do everything right because there is no one else. My parents want to see it all. I'm almost mad at her for putting this on me. Is this a bad thing or just part of the grieving stages. It makes me sick to feel this way because by no means was it her fault she passed but i am still mad. lost and confused, please any input would help greatly. thank you in advance. |
| [> Subject: Re: still finding it hard | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:34:37 02/19/05 Sat I'm glad that you posted your message here because there are many visitors in a similar situation. It is really hard to be left as the only one to take care of parents. Yes, it is part of the process, especially for tender hearted siblings, as you must be. It makes sense that you will be angry at times for being in this situation. Right now you feel that you have to make up to your parents for what happened. Perhaps that makes you feel less helpless. The best way is for you to live your own life, not try to live hers. Remember that you too need love and care. |
| [> Subject: Re: still finding it hard | |
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Author: Veronica [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:46:23 02/21/05 Mon I know how you feel. My younger sister (by 11 months) died just this past August. God, I miss her so much, but at times I cant help but feel mad at her. She was 38 I was 39 when she died. She has 4 children, I have 2 so I dont feel the responsibilty for having the children but I do now feel a certain responsibility for her children although they have fathers. It was just me and my sister and now I have the responsibility for both my parents when they grow old and when they die I will be by myself, without my sister to help me through. I have a husband but it just isnt the same. Ive been struggling with the anger the most. I feel like so much is on me now. I know this sounds wrong, but I cant help it and I cant tell my parents. I remember my sister and I joking about who gets what when our parents die too. I dont want any of it now, I would feel too guilty. I just want her back, and things to be the way they were. Most people dont understand that we are the only ones now. Most people have more brothers and sisters to help them grow through the pain and to help with parents in the future. I dont know the answer to our problem, just know someone else is going through it too. Im so sorry for the loss of your sister. |
| Subject: Brother passed and baby came | |
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Author: Liz [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:49:14 02/08/05 Tue Well, I am going out on a limb here. I think I am desparate and would just like to see if anyone has expereinced anything close. I am sure feeling alone is past of the grief. I will just state my story and hope that someone may respond that might understand. Bryan passed Saturday July 31, 2004 his birthday was Thursday, July 29- he had just turned 31. He passed in a car wreck. All four remaining passengers lived and Bryan did not. I am 27 and at this time was very pregnant. On September 23 I delivered my first child 2 weeks late with an emtional and long delivery. I guess I am struggling with all the emotions that come with life and death. I am not sure how to handle the fact that I experienced major life events about a month and half apart. So here I am greiving, mothering and being the caretaker for my parents. I am very close to Bryan and have been all life, my family is very close. I am also the one eveyone looks for to find some hope with a new baby. I feel like I am getting looked over and I not sure what to do. I never resent my daughter, bit I feel lost and insecure. I am the only girl out of four boys, Bryan is the oldest. Any feedback would help or any connection to a young woman that possible went through something similar. Thanks for taking the time to read this. |
| [> Subject: Re: Brother passed and baby came | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:32:29 02/09/05 Wed Hi Liz, My heart goes out to you dealing with such conflicting life events so close together. Many of us have felt alone and insecure when dealing with the loss of our siblings. Many of us even feel bad about any good feelings that we might have after losing our loved ones. My situation was different then yours, but I am sure that someone that posts here or just reads the message board has experienced a similar situation like yours. take care, Mary |
| [> Subject: Re: Brother passed and baby came | |
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Author: Debbie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:16:13 02/10/05 Thu Dear Liz, I visit this site every once in a while and this is the first time I have written. My little sister,Lisa-age 40, was killed in a car accident also on July 31, 2004. I did not have a baby after but, my first born grandchild was born 3 months before the accident. My sister was 2 years younger than I but, we felt like twins. We always dreamed of being old together even though we both were married and had families. I have two older brothers but, I am the one everybody goes too for whatever. I feel broken inside and have not been able to fix me. Some days I just don't want to be fixed just left alone to cry. I have one thing though. I have my granddaughter. She loves me and hugs me and looks at me because she loves me and wants to be with me. NOT because she feels sorry for me or wants to see if she can read my sorrow in my actions. I can love when I am with her and not pretend that everything is OK. Somehow it makes me better if only for a little while. SHE makes me better. Just tell eveybody to leave you alone. They will understand and if they don't, then someday they will. Just hug your baby and know he/she wants nothing more from you than your love. I hope this has helped in someway. |
| Subject: :~( Murder of a sibling | |
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Author: Jennifer [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:02:33 02/10/05 Thu Hi, This is my first time here and I am hoping that someone can help me. My brother Tim died on October 10, 2004 at the age of 28. I am older and I have another younger sibling. Tim was the middle one. He was brutally murdered by someone who wanted to be with his girlfriend. I am just wondering what helped all of you deal with the reality of the situation and to learn to move forward. I feel like part of my brain lives in reality and the other part just keeps saying that this couldn't have happened to him. I was also wondering if anyone has lost a sibling to murder and how you dealt with the trial and the lack of remorse from the murderer. Thanks so much! |
| [> Subject: Re: Murder of a sibling | |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:07:36 02/10/05 Thu Dear Jennifer, I am so sorry about your brother--what a tragic loss. I know there are visitors here who have experienced a similar loss and I hope they will write back to you. It is so hard to accept the way he died and the fact that he was so young too. I can understand why you feel that your concentration is split between what is happening around you and thoughts of what happened to him. Many people have been helped by the organization Parents of Murdered Children (http://www.pomc.com/), which is for anyone bereaved by murder. For many this group becomes a lifeline for the rest of their lives. Your brother's life was taken by another human being--that makes it terribly difficult. I hope you will visit us again, but also consider contacting this organization. |
| Subject: moving away from my sister | |
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Author: Veronica [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:33:21 02/08/05 Tue My 38 year old sister died 6 months ago the 25th of this month. My husband, kids and I moved to the same town, cross country to be with her and her family a little over a year ago. Her husband is a total jerk and finally moved out to the town with his girlfriend, yes, I said girlfriend. Guess they were "friends" before my sister died. Good riddens. In any case, I pass her old house everyday to pick my son up from school, pass her work everyday in town and go to the cemetary most everyday to be with her. We were only 11 months apart, Im older. We will be moving about an hour away from her at the end of this month to be closer to my husbands work. Im having a very hard time dealing with this. I feel as though Im abandoning her. No one is left in this town but her. I cant stay, but I just cant feel good about leaving her alone. Im prone to a bit of depression, more so lately of course. I dont want to feel this way. Any words of advice? Thanks |
| [> Subject: Re: moving away from my sister | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:24:41 02/08/05 Tue Hi Veronica, The loss of your sister is still very fresh and you sound like you are dealing with it the best way that you can. I remember moving away from the home we lived in when my sister died. I too felt that we were doing the wrong thing and somehow abandoning her. I was much younger at the time and even felt that if she tried to find us she would not be able to if we moved. Now, I realize that I did not want anything to change after she died, because it would somehow make her death more final. Many of us find comfort in the familar surroundings and reminders of our siblings' lives. Have you been able to discuss how you feel about the upcoming move with your husband? take care, Mary |
| Subject: Healing through Communication | |
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Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:58:07 02/05/05 Sat This board and all of you are like old friends to me. It is funny how much I missed checking the site for messages and reaching out to new members. I believe it was 4 years ago that Pleasant first started our site and it was a life saver for me. My brother's death 2 years prior and a week before Christmas was still very raw and painful. I had searched the internet and library for books, but came up with little that dealt with sibling loss. And then I found Pleasant's site. Posting hear and responding to your letters has somehow helped me to heal. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are ever totally free of the pain from the loss of sibling or anyone you love for that matter. But for the first time in years I can enjoy the fall again. My sister died at the age of 13 during the fall of the year and both my siblings birthdays were in October. I spent countless years fighting depression during one of the most beautiful seasons. Then somehow after two years of posting here, I found myself actually enjoying a cool fall day. I was besides myself and realized that communicating with all of you has somehow led me down a path towards healing. I know for many of you in different stages of grief that this does not seem possible. But trust me talking to people that have experienced similar losses does help. So, welcome back and lets all thank Pleasant for hosting this site for us. I greatly appreciate that she has, through the loss of her sister, dedicated herself to a life long journey of research, education, healing, and helping others. Mary |
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