| Subject: Re: my "place" at the table |
Author:
lara
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 20:42:50 08/23/05 Tue
In reply to:
bittersweet
's message, "Re: my "place" at the table" on 16:21:56 08/23/05 Tue
Jane,
Your sis sounds like my older brother, he is 22. When I got sick, he abused me even more than he already had. He began calling me "queen of the anorexics." Before that he just treated me like scum all the while he doted over my lil sister. As for the name itself, it had such impact; it made ME my ed and my ED me. My identity was ana and hearing it from someone else, not a voice inside my head, was not helpful in the least. I am sure though in some twisted way he was just trying to help, at least in hindsight that is what I want believe. I rationalize that he just had a lot of growing up to do and coping with an ed isn't ever easy.
Still, growing up I always wanted to have a relationship with him. I always wanted his approval, just as I wanted and still want everyones. What hurts, though, is that he doesn't know me. He never has. He has always had these preconceived ideas about who I am. He never bothered or attempted to understand. I was too far below him for him to waste his time on me. It is interesting though that my male cousin, same age as my brother, never got along with my brother, decided to do a research paper on anorexia not long after I was discharged from the hospital. He was studying sports' medicine at the time, and he is starting grad school in the fall. I am hopeful though that maybe someday my brother and I will be able talk, and he will be able to listen. He has softened and matured quite a bit in the past years, and him having a girlfriend seems to have helped him see from another's point of view. Nevertheless, he remains so self-rightous that it is sickening. He sees eveything in black and white; I see everything in shades of grey. What I believe has helped the most, though, is the physical distance between us, which has given me the opportunity to learn how to not let him hurt me anymore. I have learned that if a healthy relationship is meant to be, it will happen. I am open to it, but it takes two.
Lara
>>Jane,
>>
>>I'm happy you talked to your mom. I am the same; I
>>don't want to feel forgotten, BUT I don't want to eat
>>with the "family", partially because my father is
>>drunk most of the time, partially because it is my
>>silent protest against this "family" unit, partially
>>because I am just so uncomfortable eating with other
>>people.
>>
>>How old is your sis? Could you perhaps speak with her
>>as well? I have a lil sis, she is 17, and she is my
>>biggest supporter. I can cry on her shoulder when I
>>need to. I never feel judged by her. Truly she is my
>>best friend. She has gone through a lot herself. She
>>had a brain tumor (an astrocytoma) when she was 4 and
>>has been faced with her own challenges, memory and
>>learning related, as she has grown up. I have often
>>felt, and still do feel, that I have failed as a big
>>sister. I wish I could be that strong older sister, a
>>strong role model for her to look to. She is a little
>>bit on the heavier side and I admire her for her
>>confidence and acceptance of self. I wish I could
>>model that for her like she has modeled that for me.
>>
>>xo
>>Lara
>>
>>ps- Please don't sacrafice your health for weightloss.
>>You don't want to screw up your metabolism anymore
>>than you have. Try to get that protein in, ok? I'm
>>seeing my nutritionist tomorrow, I'll write you with
>>the details...
>
>
>lara,
>
>i know a lot of the pain that comes with having an
>alcoholic family member, my father is also an
>alcoholic. he doesn't live with us anymore, my mom
>forced him out years ago basically because he was
>abusive and a danger to us. it's probably common for
>people w/ Eds to have some form of "addiction" in the
>family...only, in my families case my dad was more of
>a threat to us than himself. i'm sending you much
>love, because it's a very difficult thing to deal with
>no matter what the circumstances <3
>
>your sister sounds like an incredibly strong person
>and i'm glad you two have such a good friendship. i
>couldn't imagine having to go through something like
>that. my sister is 25, 6 yrs older than me-
>unfortunately we've never really gotten along. she
>made fun of me, her and my older brother, my whole
>childhood when i was overweight, calling me "fatass"
>and the like...when i developed an ED they both began
>to make fun of me even more, saying i was too
>skinny...i think my sister became extremely jealous
>(according to my mom) so instead of a "fatass" i was
>then, and still am, a "psycho obsessive freak". it
>seems like the insults never stop coming from
>them...i'm either too fat, too thin, weird, crazy,
>spoiled, etc. since i cant spend my whole life trying
>to be perfect so they wont harass me, i can guarantee
>i wont maintain a relationship with either one of them
>as i get older. it saddens me in a way, but i also
>feel like i can finally be free...eventually. my
>sister says my mom is always on my side and cant see
>how manipulative i am, and how "stupid" my ED is or
>whatever. She thinks EDs in general are stupid and not
>real problems. it's really quite maddening.
>
>well i guess we all have our problems- the way i see
>it, at least i have my mom. i know for a fact she
>understands my problems, which helps a lot
>
>take care
>~jane~
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 