| Subject: Re: self- group...CONGRADULATIONS!? |
Author:
bittersweet
|
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Date Posted: 22:07:51 07/20/05 Wed
In reply to:
lara
's message, "Re: self- group...CONGRADULATIONS!?" on 07:26:28 07/20/05 Wed
>Is it all outpatient, or is the group a mix of in and
>outpatient? I was a 70lb inpatient, all bones, and
>even at that point I thought I didn't "look" ana. Keep
>in mind that everyone will feel that way, it is the
>distorted thinking of the ed. My recommendation is
>that when you go try to concentrate on yourself, not
>compare yourself to others, be open, and HONEST with
>yourself and your feelings, identify the source .
>Honesty is key, acknowledging your ed, not down
>playing. If your not honest, there is no point of
>going to the group.
>
>good luck. keep us updated.
>
>lara
>
>>>hello everyone!
>>>
>>>okay so apparently i was on this waiting list (for
>>>like 8 months) for an outpatient group that i thought
>>>would benefit me when i was in the outpatient program
>>>(8 months ago) it's called "Self-group" and is for
>>>people with issues like identity problems,
>>>dissasociation, trauma, body dysmorphic disorder, and
>>>well, i think there will be a lot of ED-ers
>>>there...which makes me nervous..
>>>
>>>i got a phone call a few days ago asking me if i'm
>>>still interested...i said yes and i'm gonna go there
>>>tomorrow to check it out. i guess i'm just really
>>>freaked out because i dont feel i "look" like i have
>a
>>>problem. even in the program 8 months ago i tended to
>>>downplay the ED and work more on my anxiety and OCD
>>>instead...i also saw a few people there that weigh
>>>probably 70 lbs- i'm 30 lbs heavier than that and
>just
>>>feel like they will look at me funny and think i dont
>>>need to be there or something. i'm so screwed up that
>>>i'm actually jealous of them. the ana's that are
>>>starving to death...i know it's terrible and i'm
>>>probably terrible too. i guess i just dont want them
>>>to say i'm not "thin enough" to have a problem...
>>>
>>>a few years ago i was diagnosed as anorexic
>(diagnosed
>>>but never treated) then i made the switch to EDNOS--i
>>>just feel like the "true" anorexics are in a hell of
>a
>>>lot more trouble than i am, and maybe i dont need to
>>>be there so they wont judge me or something....okay,
>>>am i crazy??? sorry for all that, i'm just really
>>>nervous- i'm always scared people wont like me..it's
>>>extremely childish, but a real fear....
>>>
>>>sorry for the length
>>>
>>>~jane~
>>
>>
thanks for the congrats! =) it's all outpatient, so that probably means everyone will be at their "target weights". it's just the competetive side of me that is so screwed up, ya know? when you were in inpatient (or outpatient), did you notice a lot of jealously or competetiveness between the girls? did the ana's get along with the mia's and all that? it worries me, because i've never been in a group exclusively for eating disorders...i've never even really had friends with EDs (besides you guys of course)
part of me is worried it's just gonna be like high school all over again.
so the update on "self-group" is that i'm gonna have to wait a few months...today sucked a little. they had to do sort of an interview process before i could go in (which was only supposed to take a few minutes) and the bad news is since i dont have a therpist at the moment, and they assumed i did, i cant attend...she also said i need something that targets only eating disorders instead of a "mixed bag" of topics (damnit)...so she's calling the outpatient eating disorders program (which freaks me out a HELL of a lot more) and trying to get me in ASAP before i can go to the self group...so my initial nervousness in being in a group with a few ED-ers is now full blown panic of being in groups with all ED-ers! i know i need to focus on myself and all that, it's just really hard. i'm mostly scared of people talking about me behind my back...i have extreme social anxiety problems and probably paranoia or something...
so she wants to meet with me again tomorrow to see what we can find out about getting me a therapist and into the ED program....part of me is really hoping there isn't an opening- but i'll try to keep my spirits up. i dont think i've ever been so NERVOUS! as much as i hate my ED, living without it terrifies me to the point of suffocation. it's just not something i feel i can let go of. not only does it comfort me, but it IS me...it's my whole sense of self, how i deal with situations. i live and breathe calories, exercise, scales, mirrors. i'm scared of what i'm going to find underneath. maybe nothing.
anyways,
thanks again for all the support ladies-i can always count on you =)
~jane~
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