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Date Posted: 00:59:48 04/08/05 Fri
Author: S'peer (Scarth)
Subject: Merely players.
In reply to: Maria 's message, "Hatred is Thicker than Blood Or is it?" on 18:59:26 04/07/05 Thu

Why was she asking him all this? S’peer was close to despair. None of these questions would help her, or him…they would make her hate him, because he was a –

S’peer. You may have done that to Halzay, but you didn’t mean to. You know that.

He did know that. But it didn’t stop him hating himself. He had hated himself for four years, ever since he had done it. He had been so guilty that for two years the only thing that could stop him feeling guilty was alcohol. Then that was taken away from him. S’peer’s calm, confident, womanising exterior was totally different from another part of him which, though small, was just as powerful. Sometimes he was even scared that his shell would crack, and he would go back to how he was. But he never let himself wonder for long. He always wrenched himself back to the present – went back to being S’peer the bluerider.

Except this time.

His voice was devoid of any emotion as he spoke. “Then stop it. Go and find someone else to believe in. Because I’ve been telling you the truth. I did rape her. I didn’t mean to do it – I don’t even remember it – but I did. Sally’s proof of that. I’d never do it again…I haven’t.” The bluerider swallowed, and closed his eyes. “I…I don’t want you to…to be scared of me. Treat me like a monster. I just want to be able to tell someone what I did and not have them hate me.”

Only a handful of people knew what he had done. Rinali viewed him with a tied-down disapproval – especially since his violent assault of M’red – but he didn’t mind that. W’ntyr never said how he felt, but he seemed to still like S’peer. And G’rein, he knew, had forgiven him. Even though it had been just a scant few months since his own rape (guess why M’red can no longer walk), he still forgave his friend.

“Maria, I’m not like K’mir. Think what you want, but I’d rather die than be like him…”

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