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Date Posted: 16:52:18 03/16/06 Thu
Author: Cece
Subject: TEST Inside.
In reply to: Cokie, looking forward to meeting everyone 's message, "Malibu Triathalon" on 20:42:08 09/20/05 Tue

Written by Cece
Disclaimer: The only character from my imagination is Carson Ellis. Everyone else belongs to the JAG folk.

This is just a little story. Not much happens.

The Nearness of You

I checked my dress and hair one more time in the bedroom mirror, and felt a small thrill of expectation. I had no reason to feel this way. I was going alone to the Admiral's engagement partyengagement ball really, but this was the first time I'd dressed up in more than a year, and I felt suddenly light and unexpectedly happy.

And if at the back of my mind I wished that Harm were going to be there, I decided not to care. I was going to have fun for a change. For a night I was determined not to think of the past.

But later, as I walked into the hotel banquet room and saw the unfamiliar sea of faces, I felt a nervous twitch in the pit of my stomach. My eyes scanned the large, softly lit room, trying to make out a friendly face, or pick out a familiar voice from the chatter and music. There was mess dress aplenty, and gowns fit for the Oscars. Who knew that the Admiral and Meredith had such a social circle? "Oh damn, where am I going to hide?" I muttered to myself. Then I spotted Sturgis making his way through the crowd with a glass of champagne in each hand, and I swiftly made a beeline towards him before I lost him in the crowd.

"Hey Mac! Over here." He nodded in the general direction of a table near the top of the room.

'Whew, what a relief!" I could see Bud pulling out a chair for Harriet, and the Admiral standing talking to a two-star at the far end of the table. Bobbie motioned to me to sit next to her, and I started to feel at ease again. I liked Bobbie in a strange way, and I enjoyed talking to her. Sometimes I'd wished she'd lived closer and we could get together more, though there had always been the Harm thing, that seemed to exist like the elephant in the room whenever we were together.

Still, that had changed since she and Sturgis had started seeing each other, and I was happy she'd called me over. As I sat, arranging the folds of my dress so that the darn thing wouldn't pull down around my waist, I caught a glimpse of Clayton Webb out of the corner of my eye. "Damnwhat's he doing here?" I wondered, not entirely displeased, but not really happy about his presence either. The last time I'd seen him had been miserable for both of us, and yet there he was, smiling at me as if he were actually pleased to see me.

He raised his hand to acknowledge my arrival, and made his way towards the table. "Sarah! You're looking great!" He reached out to me and we exchanged an awkward hug. "Hey Clay, how are you?" I managed lamely. But he seemed not to mind the awkward moment, if he noticed it at all. He turned and brought forward a slight woman around our age, and introduced her as his friend, Carson Ellis. Carson Ellis was pretty in a patrician way. Her upswept hair and fine features went well with what sounded like a Cape Cod accent that I felt sure was not an affectation.

Clayton seemed rather smug to my mind, though who could blame him? I'd turned him down right in the middle of his attempts to make love to me. The thought made my face feel hot with embarrassment, but Webb had his eyes on Carson, and a proprietary arm around her waist. Thank goodness I'd never actually had sex with this guy. I couldn't imagine what had made me go so far with him as it was. Sympathy perhaps, or maybe the short-lived emotional connection we'd had after our shared experiences in Paraguay. I had never even enjoyed kissing him and how I ended up in his bed with my clothes half off, I'll never know. He had been gentleman enough to take my sudden change of mind seriously, and I'd got dressed hurriedly and made my own way home.

But that was all over, and Clayton was back to just being Webb in my eyes. "How's Harm?" he asked rather bluntly. "You would know better than I would, " I shot back. Then I laughed to soften the harsh edge that had crept into the conversation. "I haven't seen him for weeks and he never calls. But the Admiral might know, and surely you do."

Webb could see my barely concealed concern and curiosity, and he too softened his tone. "He's Ok Mac. You know Harm. He's always Ok." And with that, he nodded and moved back to the adjoining table and sat down next to Carson Ellis. I heard their sweet mutterings, and wondered if Clayton Webb had finally met someone to share his life.

I felt a pang of sadness at being alone. Harriet must have seen my face from across the table and she got up to greet me. Good old Harriet. She really was a sweet friend. But our differences in rank made us both hold back when it came to being really close. Just as Harriet started babbling away about little AJ and his recent exploits with baby Jimmy, the emcee invited everyone to be seated for the meal, and the next hour or so was taken up with eating, drinking, and the requisite speeches.

My earlier excitement had worn off as the evening progressed, by when the dancing started my spirits rallied. I may have been alone but I was not short of partners. The problem was that all my partners were married, engaged, or spoken-for men: the Admiral, Sturgis, Bud, and even Webb, who managed to drag himself away from Carson Ellis to ask me to dance. I should have been honored, but Webb's superciliousness had returned, and the sweetness I'd once discovered in him, was no longer evident. I couldn't help but feel some resentment that this man had ruined what might have been a new beginning for me and Harm.

I returned to the table feeling dejected. All around me were happy couples, and I was still alone. And the loneliness wouldn't have bothered me if the thoughts of Harm were not constantly with me. We had needed to say so muchhad so much hurt to get over. But now he was gone from my life, and any pleasure I now had was short lived.

The music, Glenn Millar, Cole Porter, Hoagy Carmicheal-- all the old romantic pieces, made my heart ache and I wanted to leave, to climb into bed and shut off my consciousness in sleep, if only for a few hours. The lights were swirling around in warm, atmospheric strobes of pink and gold, and as the music changed to the haunting melodies, I watched as the Admiral led Meredith onto the floor. They were in love it was clear, and so it seemed was everyone else.

The warm lights spun their way around the darkened room, and the words of the song resonated in my head:

The mere idea of you
The longing here for you
You'll never know
How slow the moments go
Till I'm near to you

I see your face in every flower
You eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you my love.

And then suddenly he was there. His tall figure, his handsome face. The man who lived in my dreams and in my heart. The man who inhabited my soul. I gasped silently, "Harm." His eyes locked on mine, and held me in their steady gaze as I looked back. And I knew in that moment that everything was all right. There would be no need for words, no recriminations, no apologies, no blame.

Our movements seemed arrested as we continued the gaze. The warm lights filtered the shadows as they crossed his face, and I felt the blood drain from my head, then rush back, flooding my cheeks till they burned. And then I heard the soft invitation, the slight catch in the voice I had so longed to hear again. "Dance with me."

And he pulled me into his arms.

I was barely aware of the music as it changed again, but I understood it on a subliminal level:

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you.

I could feel his heart pounding next to mine. I could feel the skin on his face, and I breathed in his scent. And all the while I heard him whisper my name telling me over and over that he loved me.

His lips brushed my face, and I pressed my body close, loving the feel of his hands on my bare back, loving his arms around me. I could only look into his face, and I knew no words were needed. There would never again be the need to talk about "Us".

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true.

There had been so much to forgive, and yet there was nothing to forgive. I loved him more now than I had ever loved him, and as our bodies swayed slowly to the music, we both understood that.

The dancing couples moved around us in slow-mo, but I was oblivious to them. We seemed to stand out in the middle of a haze. Just Harm and me. And then, right there on the dance floor, in front of a couple of hundred people, he pressed his lips on my lips slowly, tenderly, softly. And all thoughts were obliterated as I lost myself in his kiss, and the promise of the night.

I need no soft lights to enchant me
But if you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you.

The End

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