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Date Posted: 06:23:22 01/09/15 Fri
Author: Nettie
Subject: First Kiss / Last Breath 1/6(?) - Lily Series

Disclaimer: all the usual things
AN: And, so here we go with the next instalment. Most likely there will be 6 chapters and posted weekly .
Thanks to those sticking with it.

All the best for 2015


First Kiss, Last Breath 1/6

It had taken a couple of weeks for the excitement of the adoption to subside and, four weeks on, it was still evidenced in the newest family members being more relaxed and settled. The burden of the trials and traumas of the previous 14 months were lifted by the judge’s decree. It was also seen Jessie’s handwriting. Well, not her handwriting per se but in the appearance of her new name ‘Jessie MacKenzie Rabb’ written by her and adorning nearly every piece of paper, envelope, newspaper, magazine that was around.
“I was just practicing,” she said sheepishly when Harm caught her repeatedly writing her name on a note pad.
Harm had just laughed and kissed her head. Not that he would admit it to anyone but a few days before his wedding, and knowing he was going to take Mac’s name as well, he had sat in the loft one night and repeatedly written ‘Harmon MacKenzie Rabb’. Like Jessie, his dream was coming true and by writing his new name he was helping it to sink in.

With Valentine’s Day drawing close there were many plans being made. As a well-earned reward for themselves, Trish and Frank were heading back west for a month. The warmer weather was beckoning them and, after a particularly cold and bitter Pennsylvanian winter, no one could blame them.

Harm had volunteered to take on the rather enjoyable task of organising a Valentine’s Day treat for himself and his wife which would involve them getting away from the farm for a few hours. When she had protested that it wasn’t fair to leave all the kids with Mattie and Colin, Harm smiled and assured her all was in hand. Not that it was, but would be by the day.

It was the following day, while he and Mattie were in the office of Rabb Runways that he broached the topic with his eldest daughter.
“Mats, do you and Colin have any plans for Valentine’s?” he asked, perched on the front of his desk.
“Nope,” she said shaking her head. “Haven’t really given it much thought,” she admitted.
“Really?” he questioned. It seemed the perfect day for a young and very much in love couple.
“Yeah, really,” she confirmed, her voice flat. “Why?”
“Well, I want to take Mac out for a few hours...” he began and Mattie nodded.
“And you want us to look after the kids,” she said. “Sure.”
“Ah, no, not quite,” he said, “We’ll leave once the kids are on the bus, and be home by the time it gets back,” he explained. “So, it will only be Frankie.”
“Sure,” she repeated. “He’s no problem. He and Kenz can get up to mischief together.”
“They certainly can,” Harm agreed with a knowing smile. “Then, once we’re home, we’ll have Kenz and you and Colin can have the afternoon / evening to yourself.”
“Nah, don’t think there’s any need for that,” she said, standing and moving to the filing cabinet. “But thanks for the offer.”

Harm waited until she had turned back to face him and beckoned her over. Taking her in a warm embrace, he kissed her head and Mattie didn’t resist in the least.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, caressing her head. “Because I know something’s not right.”
Mattie sighed deeply before pulling back to look up at him. “Nothing really to tell.”
“So tell me about the nothing,” Harm probed gently. He had often found Mac’s ‘nothing’ equated to something major.

Mattie took a couple of deep breaths and just as Harm thought she was going to talk, she burst into tears. “Hey, hey,” he soothed, drawing her closer to him. “Ssh, honey, shh.”
“I’m sorry,” she finally said with a sniffle, pulling away so she could get a tissue.
“Can you talk to me about it?” he asked once she had blown her nose.
“There’s nothing...” she began but Harm shook his head. “I mean the problem is there’s nothing...”
“I don’t understand,” he said, tugging her back to him.

With another deep breath, Mattie wiped her eyes. “My period started again today...another month and still no baby...nothing.”
“Oh, honey,” he said, hugging her once more. “I’m sorry.”
“I keep telling myself it will happen so not to stress,” she said, with a shake of her head. “I tell myself that we’re still young, there is no rush and everything will work out.”
“That’s right,” agreed Harm. “So, if you tell yourself that, why the tears?”
“Because I’m starting not to believe it,” she said, trying not to cry again. “With Kenzie I fell pregnant while using birth control...now ...now I want to fall pregnant and it’s just not happening.”
“Have you talked to Colin about this?” he asked as he rubbed her back.
“Sort of,” she replied. “He keeps saying to relax, it will happen. I don’t want him to think I’m obsessing...or becoming a basket case.”
“Babies often come along on their own schedule,” Harm reminded her. “Look at the intervention we had to have to conceive Lily. Then, despite all odds, Frankie was discovered days before Mac was to have a hysterectomy. Not to mention the twins in between.”
“Aha,” she said with a sniffle. “Frankie certainly surprised everyone.”
“Tell me about it,” he replied, remembering the absolute panic he felt when he found Mac on their bedroom floor, breaking her heart crying. “But it was what was meant to be.”
“What if not having another baby is what is meant to be for Col and me?” she asked tearfully.
“What if it is?” he countered. Dr Mollison had taught him not to try and fix everything but to just listen, and she had taught him well.
“I’ll be really disappointed,” she said quietly. “I always wanted a big family...and I know Colin does too.”
“There are other ways of expanding your family...ours jumped by two just last month,” Harm reminded her.
“I know,” Mattie said, swiping away a tear. “And I know I should just feel blessed that we have Kenzie and I do...I...”
“Just want another baby?” he supplied for her and Mattie nodded.
“Aha,” she managed before fresh tears fell and she sobbed into Harm’s chest.
“What’s going on?” Colin asked from the doorway, surprising them both.
“I love you very much, Matilda,” Harm said kissing her head. “I think this is the perfect time to talk to your husband.”

Walking past his son-in-law, Harm patted his shoulder and smiled. It did little to reassure him.
“Mattie?” he asked cautiously as he approached her. “What’s wrong?”
Mattie’s response was to fling her arms around him and hold on tightly and while Colin was still very concerned, he was somewhat relieved that she still wanted him. Before long he lead them over to a small sitting area where they had a lounge suite. Sitting in the armchair, he pulled Mattie into his lap and kissed her head.
“Whenever you are ready,” was all he said and then he waited and waited.
“I know you’re going to say ‘it’s alright’ and ‘not to worry’ and ‘there’s always next month'," she said quietly as she played with the collar on his shirt, and instantly he knew the problem; but still he waited. “And I know you’re right and I shouldn’t be getting myself this upset...”
“But...” he offered when she went no further.
“But ...but...I just want another baby so much and my period started this morning so it still hasn’t happened and I’m wondering whether it ever will and I know stressing won’t help but I can’t help it and I know you want more kids and I feel bad that this isn’t happening for us and that...that...that...” Mattie stopped and drew a breath. “I just want another baby,” she said more slowly.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was upsetting you this much?” he questioned, raising her face.
“Because you take everything in your stride and kept saying it would be alright and I didn’t want you to think I was being neurotic about it all,” she said sheepishly.
“Matilda, I do not think you are being neurotic about anything,” he said, kissing her forehead. “And I kept saying it would be alright because I thought it was the right thing to say and I didn’t want you to think I was putting any pressure on you.”
“I’m sorry,” she replied, snuggling closer to him. “About not telling you...about being a mess today...”
“No apology is necessary,” he said, kissing her once more. “What we need to do is make some plans.”
“What sort of plans?” she asked with a sigh, not really clear-headed enough to plan for anything significant.
“Fertility advice,” he said, caressing her face. “Not that I think there is any reason we can’t conceive, after all, we have Kenz, but how about we get a referral to someone who can do some tests...ask some questions and let us know for sure...okay?”
“You’d do that?” she asked tearfully as she knew Colin tried to avoid doctors at all costs.
“For you I will do anything,” he said, kissing her again. “I love you so much.”
“Love you too,” Mattie replied, settling against him once more. “Thank you.”

Coming downstairs from putting Frankie and Kenzie down for their naps, Mac was surprised to see Harm coming in the back door.
“Wasn’t expecting you until home time,” she said as she moved into the kitchen with him.
“Wasn’t expecting to be back til then,” he concurred before filling her in on the reason he had left the office.
“Oh, the poor thing,” Mac said. “Would it help if I talked to her?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Colin’s with her now, they both know we are here for them, so they’ll come to us if they want to talk.”
“Okay,” she said, as she turned her attention to the sandwiches she was making for afternoon tea.
“Want some help?” he asked as he washed his hands. Soon they were working side by side, the conversation light and breezy.

Ten minutes before the school horde were due to arrive, Harm’s cell buzzed and he answered the call.
“MacKenzie Rabb,” he said and listened intently to the voice on the other end. “Hold on, I’ll put you on speaker phone so Mac can hear as well.”
“Hey, Mac,” came Sturgis’ voice from the device.
“Hey, Sturgis, how are you?” she enquired, putting her dishcloth down.
“Good, thanks,” he said. “Unfortunately, this isn’t a social call.”
“Oh?” she replied, looking at Harm.
“As I was just saying to Harm, this is about Clayton Webb,” he said. “Now, I know after I ran into him at Langley last month, I contacted you about his condition, and I also informed him I wasn’t a go-between and if he wanted any contact with you both then he would have to initiate it.”
“That’s right,” they both said in agreement. “Something change?” added Harm.
“Not sure,” he said slowly and Harm and Mac exchanged looks. “I heard some rumours he had rallied, and others he was at death’s door. Seems he still wants to make his peace with you both and a contact of mine believes Porter Webb will be contacting you shortly – figured I’d give you a heads up.”
“We appreciate that, buddy,” Harm said and after a few more minutes of talk, the call was ended as the growing noise indicated the children were near.

When all the children were sleeping and all the day’s jobs done, Harm and Mac sat curled together in front of the fire, watching the flames and little sparks dance about.
“What are we going to do?” Harm asked and Mac needed no further clarification.
“Go back in time and have Sturgis not tell us anything about Webb,” Mac said with a sigh. “In this case, I think ignorance would have been bliss.”
“True,” he agreed. “But since the time machine is broken, what now?”
“What do you want to do?” she countered, moving so she could look at him.
“I want to do whatever you want to do,” he said simply and Mac’s brow creased. “Look,” he continued as way of explanation. “Your relationship with Webb...”
“Don’t go there,” she said with a warning tone. “I’ve told you before...”
“I know, I know,” he said, pulling her back to him. “I didn’t mean romantic relationship – just relationship in general. He put you through far more than me back then...” Mac nodded. “And I know after that whole episode at Mandalay that you...”
“I never wanted anything to do with him again,” she continued Harm’s line of thought. “And I didn’t...don’t. Since Sturgis’ first call I’ve tried to balance what he did to me with what he did for me, for us, over the years.”
“And what was the outcome?” he asked, raking his fingers through her hair.

Sighing deeply, Mac looked up at him once more. “That we’re about even...and I don’t owe him anything.”
“You don’t,” Harm agreed, kissing her head.
“But I feel, despite everything, we should go see him,” she said with a resigned air.
‘Yeah, my thoughts too,” Harm said, holding her a little tighter.

The problem with having a large family is that dashing to DC to see a sick ‘friend’ isn’t all that doable. Mindful of not putting extra stress on Mattie and with Trish and Frank still in La Jolla, Harm and Mac spent the next hour talking logistics. Valentine’s Day was on Thursday, two days away. The younger children had special school events during the day that they were looking forward to and neither parent was prepared to have them miss. Aidan had a school dance that night and while the boy was a little reluctant, they wanted him to attend.

In the end, it was decided that, after a phone call to Harriet, they would all go to DC with an early start Friday morning. The pretext would be a ‘special Valentine’s surprise weekend’. After all, Valentine’s was about being with people you love and, as a family, there was no family they loved more than the Roberts. Then, at some time over the weekend, Harm and Mac would be able to slip away and visit Webb with their children none the wiser.

Wednesday lunch time, Mac had just settled the boys at the table with their food when Mattie came in the back door.
“Room for one more?” she asked Mac as she sorted her own meal.
“Always, sweetie,” Mac replied as Mattie went and kissed the boys.
When they were both seated at the table with their sons, Mac watched as Mattie stared at Kenzie.
“Harm told me about yesterday,” Mac said quietly. “Is there anything I can do?” she asked, reaching over and covering Mattie’s hand with hers. Mattie’s reply was to shrug. “Can you look at me for a minute, please?” Slowly, Mattie obeyed. “Tell me.”

In essence, Mattie didn’t tell Mac anything Harm hadn’t. Yet, there was something in Mattie’s word choice which was concerning Mac and she decided to dig a little deeper.
“I know you and Colin had discussed an 18 month gap between your kids but 24 months, 36 months, are still good gaps,” she said quietly. “And, if it turns out to be years, then that will be fine too.”
“I know,” she replied with a sniffle
“But...” Mac said for her and Mattie shrugged once more.
“But I can’t explain it,” Mattie finally said. “I was okay with things not happening as quickly as I had hoped. So long as any baby was healthy then he or she would be worth the wait.”
“What changed?” Mac asked, taking her hand once more.
Mattie drew a deep breath. “I don’t know,” she said confused. “It’s just in the last few weeks I have this growing desperation for a family.”
“Honey, you have a family,” Mac said gently. “You have Colin and Kenzie and then you have all of us.”
“No, I don’t,” she said before she could stop herself.
“What do you mean?” she pressed. “What family don’t you have?”
“I don’t have you all,” she said quietly. “In the past month I’ve thought a lot about that...I want more babies because I want a family.”

Mac studied her face; Mattie had paled at her own revelation.
“What’s changed, Mats?” Mac asked gently, trying to hide her own surprise and hurt. “I thought we were all family and doing a great job living and working together here on the farm.”
“We are,” Mattie said quickly. “We were...no, we are.” Scrubbing a hand over her face, Mattie tried to collect her thoughts. There was silence. “I look at our sons and see two little boys who will grow up as best friends and who will see themselves more like brothers or cousins than uncle and nephew but the truth is they are no relation at all. There are no bloodlines, no entry on a family tree, no ties that legally bind...”
“How long have you felt this way?” Mac asked, her hand resting on Mattie’s arm.
“A while...” she said slowly. “It was always something at the back of my mind, you know? But then with the kids’ adoption I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot more in the last few weeks...and then with wanting a baby...”
“Are you upset that Harm and I adopted Aidan and Jess but not you?” she asked gently and watched as Mattie shrugged.
“No,” she finally said. “I am very glad you adopted the kids. They deserve a stable and loving home after everything they’ve been through.”
“You deserve one too,” Mac said quietly.
“If anything, then perhaps the word is sad about it all,” she said as she still watched the boys eat their lunch, hers abandoned. “I was about Aidan’s age when I first met Harm and it was a struggle for him to get guardianship of me...well, you know that, you were there. But my circumstances were different to the kids, I wasn’t an orphan, I still had a father and the aim was for him to be my parent once more and he was, so adoption wasn’t even on the cards. Then I had the accident, and the rehab and dad disappeared and Harm and you took me in once more. By the time I was thinking about a future that didn’t involve hospitals or therapy, I was over 18 and on my own.”
“If the circumstances had have been different and we had adopted you back then, what would be different now?” Mac asked as she picked up her cup of coffee.
Mattie shrugged. “On the surface, nothing. I would like to think everything would have fallen into place and I would still have met Colin, moved here, had Kenz...”
“Beneath the surface?” she probed as she wondered how she was going to tell Harm about this conversation.
“Well, I guess our ties would be legal, binding. As it is, I’m the only of your ‘children’ who wouldn’t be let into hospital to see you, or dad or any of the kids if there was an emergency. Then there’s the fact that while Col and I have written our will and named you and dad as Kenzie’s guardians, Colin’s parents could argue that you are not actually related to him and contest custody.”
“Mats, why hasn’t this come up before now?” Mac asked once more. “We’ve all been here a couple of years now...”
“Because, mom, the past is in the past,” she said, standing up to clean up the drink Kenzie had just spilt. “Not as if we can go back and you guys can adopt me.”
“No, we can’t go back,” she concurred. “But, are you aware we could adopt you today if you wanted it?”
Mattie looked up, her cloth in midair. “No, you can’t,” she said. “I’m way past 18.”
“I know that, honey,” she said, standing and moving next to her. “But it is possible for adults to adopt other adults.”
“Yes,” she said with a nod. “Vulnerable adults, though, those with disabilities and the like.”
“All adults,” Mac corrected. “Doing the research and paperwork for Aidan and Jess, I did some reading on it. It’s something happening more and more these days and usually relates to the adoption of a non-biological child who was brought up in a household but without any formal paperwork, you know, like step-kids being adopted by step-parents or who, like Aidan were being brought up by his grandparents.”
“And it’s legal?” Mattie asked, not quite believing what she was hearing.
“Perfectly,” she said with a grin. “It often happens for reasons like you mentioned with the family, and also for equal rights in wills.”
“Oh, I don’t want anything will-wise...I just wanted my status to be confirmed,” she said dropping the cloth. “Is it a difficult process?”
“Not at all. Harm and I complete the application, you agree and that’s it. No Children’s Services or Home Visits, just some paperwork and a few signatures,” she said with a smile.
“How soon can we do it” she asked before shaking her head. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“What for?” Mac asked as she wiped Frankie’s face.
“I never asked if it was alright. Whether adopting me was something you actually wanted to do,” she said sheepishly.
“We wouldn’t think twice about it!” Mac stated. “And had we known how you were feeling, we would have done it years ago.”
“I guess the only thing now is asking dad,” she said quietly. “I don’t want to upset him or anything...how do you think he’ll react about everything?”
“You just leave him to me,” Mac said with a smile. “He’ll love the idea.”

It was later that night, after all the children were asleep, that Harm cornered his wife in the kitchen as she prepared coffee for them.
“So, do I get to know what’s going on around here?” he asked, grabbing a plate from the cupboard.
“What do you mean?” she asked as she poured the milk into one of the mugs.
“Dinner had an uneasy feel. Did something happen between you and Mattie?” he asked, more concerned than curious.
“No,” Mac replied quickly. “Well, yes,” she corrected, “But nothing negative. Come and I’ll tell you all about it.”

Carrying a plate of Mac’s favourite chocolate cookies, which she kept well hidden in the pantry, Harm trailed his wife into the living room and placed them on the side table before sitting next to her.
“So, Mattie...” Harm said, taking his mug from her and putting it alongside the cookies.
“It’s like this...” Mac said before relaying their conversation almost verbatim. “Where are you going?” she asked as Harm got to his feet.
“To see Mattie!” he said, heading to the door.
“Harm, it’s late! Kenz will ...” she started but stopped when she realised it wouldn’t make a difference.

Crossing the yard quickly, Harm rapped quickly on the front door before trying the handle. With the door opening, Harm wiped his shoes before letting himself in.
“Hi, Harm,” Colin said, as he came to see who was at the door. “Something wrong?” he added, catching the odd expression on the older man’s face.
“Yes,” he replied, scanning the area for Mattie as he breezed past Colin.

Spying her at the kitchen sink, Harm almost leapt across the room to get to her.
“Never, ever, believe that I do not consider you one of my children, Matilda,” Harm said sternly as he spun her from the sink. “Regardless of anything else, you will always be my eldest. I am sorry we didn’t adopt you before. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to but circumstances. You, Mac and I are going to be at the courthouse at 0900 and we’ll sort this out and you will never have to doubt just who constitutes your family.”
“But, Harm...” Mattie went to protest.
“No buts...we are doing this tomorrow. The minute the kids are on the bus we are going,” he ordered, his tone very reminiscent of his days as a Commander. “Understood?”
“Understood,” she said nodding. “But I was going to remind you that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and you had plans to take Mac out.”
“I did,” he said with a nod. “But this is far more important and Mac will agree with me. 0900, be ready.”
With that he hugged and kissed her before leaving just as quickly as he had arrived.

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Replies:

[> Loved it. So so glad your writing this story again. Patiently waiting for more. -- Beth, 08:16:01 01/09/15 Fri [1]


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[> This is a great story Nettie, Harm in 'mission mode' again! love it! -- JoyZ, 09:23:00 01/09/15 Fri [1]


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[> Aw another great read Nettie looking forward to more -- Bev uk, 13:57:52 01/09/15 Fri [1]


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[> Glad to see you back Netti. I love your stories -- MAG, 15:18:38 01/09/15 Fri [1]


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[> Good start to what I'm sure will be a wonderful series. Glad you are writing and sharing with us -- usmgrad, 20:53:33 01/10/15 Sat [1]


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[> great start. glad to see that you have written something new. -- Karen joy, 00:18:13 01/11/15 Sun [1]


[ Edit | View ]
[> Great - so glad to see you're continuing! I just love your stories! -- Ciara, 15:09:28 01/13/15 Tue [1]


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