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Date Posted: 11:04:37 01/21/04 Wed
Author: Mae
Subject: Guilt and separation/divorce

I am really struggling here with alot of guilt. I have been married for 28 years and recently separated. This is not the first time we've separated, there have been many others,(short term). He was controlling and mentally abusive through out our marriage. I stayed for my children and felt it was the "right" thing to do. I was very involved in my church and he was not. He is not a Christian. When I left last year for a few months, I had decided that I was NOT going back this time, however I did. I went back into the marriage and did see some change in his behavior, however gradually I say the return of his old self. Became friends in an online bereavement site (I'd had a multitude of deaths in my family ). I found great support there, which I was not receiving from my husband. There was another Christian that lost someone and eventually we realized that we were both Christians. We became very good friends, and helped one another alot to deal with our non-supportive spouses and leaned on one another. This particular support group had a meeting in another city, which I attended. Here I met many of my friends along with my Christian friend. We immediately connected and our friendship built, we than fell in love. Neither of us were looking for that to happen. We just grew closer. I have left my husband again, and am dealing with extreme guilt, because of this other man, whom I love dearly and treats me as God intended. We pray together, we say positive things to one another. He allows me to be myself . I've never known what true and genuinie love is, until I met this man. My husband would never show love to me. I don't think he ever in our 28 years together said "I love you" or if I tried to hold his hand, he would push me away. I was starved emotionally for love.
I don't know if I will ever overcome this guilt. I have never been so happy as when I am with this man, and feel my walk with God is growing stronger because of his faith. How do I overcome this guilt ? How do I allow myself to believe that I deserve to be loved? Please help me understand myself.

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