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Date Posted: 14:32:21 02/21/06 Tue
Author: Sylvia Mohr Bartlett
Subject: SIMPLICITY

SIMPLICITY

By Sylvia Bartlett Mohr

Hey, you all. Here's a one shot that I first published a while ago here on the Internet. I thought you all might enjoy reading it today. However, I hope I get SOME response, because it gets a bit discouraging when I hear NOT ONE THING from y'all. So if any one is out there, please, ring a bell once in a while...breath noisely, snore....something? I feel all alone here! Lol! Sylvia


Harmon Rabb Jr. had found the past few days very difficult, but revealing. He'd finally told someone the truth about how he felt about Mac…and it had been Mattie, he told, of all people. Well, maybe, as the other woman in his life, she was the most appropriate person, but the way it had come out had been, well, different. Still again, when had he done anything the normal way, whatever the heck that was.

He had admitted to someone that he loved Mac. It was time to reveal that fact to the one person he needed to tell the most. He rapped at the door of Sarah MacKenzie's apartment. He knew the hour was late and this was totally inappropriate. He would doubtless stumble, trip all over himself and fall flat on his face and with her being in a relationship with Webb, it was a moot point, but he had to say it. He simply had to.

Sarah answered the door with her cowboy pajamas on. "Harm, is something wrong? I know this has been a rough while for you with the Smithfield situation. I'm sure it's been tough on both you and Mattie. You wouldn't be here if you didn't feel the need to talk. Come on in."

"Thanks, Mac. I appreciate it. I have something to say. I want you to know that I know you are in a relationship and I have no right to tell you the things I am about to say, but I HAVE to say this…at least once. I have, too.. Forgive me if I cross the bounds, please." He paused a moment to allow her a chance to tell him to go to hell if that is what she wanted. She was staring at him as if he had grown another head, but she just indicated the living room, watched him stalk in there, closed and locked the door behind them and followed him in.

When she sat on the couch, he didn't sit. He paced over to the window, glanced out a moment trying to convince himself he could handle this. "I've been thinking a lot lately about my life – whether I've done the right thing by Mattie, whether I'm ever going to get the rest of my act together. Some things come hard to me, extremely hard. Some things just have to be expressed though, even if the words are coming too late. I owe it to you and to myself, to tell you how I feel ~ what you mean to me. If it is too late for you to ever reciprocate, I understand that. However, I NEED to say this to you."

Rabb took an unsteady breath and plunged on. "I am probably going to stumble all over myself and do a terrible job at this, just like I have with everything else I do.

He was staring intently at a spot on the floor as he went on. "I'm the guy who 'sucks all the joy out of life', the one 'who can't let go', the one who is 'not a team player', the fellow who 'only gets this way when you have one foot out the door'."

"I am also too miserable the way things are to just leave things status quo. Once, just once – I have to tell you how I truly feel. If it's too late, I will understand and I will never say these things to you again. I'll respect that you don't feel the same and I'll try to just be the best friend to you I can. I will attempt to conquer my mouth and the sarcasm I hide my pain behind, because one thing I definitely don't want to do is hurt you any more. I've done too much of that already. If I screw this up, forgive me, but I really am not good at this."

Harm found he dared not look at her. If he did and she had laughter in her eyes, or outrage, or anger, or nothing, what would he do? In addition, if he did look, he might just get lost in those beautiful brown pools of expression and not be able to speak at all.

"Sarah MacKenzie, I love you. I've been in love with you for a very long time now, but I am the world's worst chicken when it comes to that particular emotion. Before Paraguay, I had a hard time letting go, because I was already painfully aware how much I loved you and I was afraid to explore those feelings with you."

"It is not an unreasoned fear, Mac. Here are the reasons. Believe it or not, when it comes to love, I am horribly insecure and bad at reading the signposts. I was never sure you truly felt the same – that you didn't want to just be friends. I was afraid we would get together briefly; I'd mess this relationship up, like I have all the others in my life; and, I would lose you, as even my friend. I did not think I could survive that loss. I have to have you in my life…." He sighed, the next admission being even harder to put into words that someone else would hear.

Harmon Rabb, Jr., was about to lay bare his deepest fear. He raised a trembling hand to his forehead and swiped at the headache that had taken up a permanent residence behind his eyebrows, but he pressed on. "Last of all, I have never loved anyone this way ~ ever before. Frankly, the intensity of the feeling made me afraid that, if I acted on it and you did reciprocate, we'd find true happiness. Every time I come close to true happiness, I have lost it. Look at my track record – my dad, Diane, Annie, even brotherly love with Sergei, add in my mom and Frank. I'm a screw up in the love field, Mac and I know it! I was afraid you'd die like Diane did or I would be killed and you would be left alone. The Rabb love curse would have claimed another generation.

"God, Mac, don't you understand that all my vicious remarks about you and your men were equally true of my love record???

"After I was cleared of Singer's murder, I was shell-shocked. I knew I wanted to tell you the truth about my feelings, but I was afraid that because I never heard a word of support from you or from anyone at JAG while I was locked up – maybe you all suspected I was really guilty. It hurt, Sarah." His voice caught in the twist of pain that accompanied that memory. "It hurt more than I can ever express.

"I know you all were ordered to stay away, but, no one even found a way to get me word they believed in me or they were rooting for me or they were praying for me. It hurt me so badly.

"I was consumed with the terror that I would be found guilty and be executed or sent to Leavenworth where Palmer would get his hands on me. He'd have me in his wilderness of mirrors tormenting me, maybe having me raped. My life would be a living hell until he finally deigned to put me out of my misery" He had to stop to control the terror from reaching his vocal ramblings.

"I came back after. I know I said I was moving on to Sturgis, but everyone just acted like I'd been on temporary duty some place. I had resolved while I was incarcerated that I would tell you the truth about how I felt, as soon as my head stopped spinning.

"You and Jen were the only ones who really seemed to care about what I had been through. Coates felt guilty about being used in the courtroom the way she was and I released her from that. I told her I didn't blame her and I didn't. You came by to see how I was, but, when you showed up in that pregnancy suit, I was dumbfounded and scared out of my wits that I was somehow, crazily already too late. When you told me you were heading out with Webb, I was just plain terrified. You said you would be back, but I tried to tell you, you didn't know that for certain. I wanted so much to just tell you my feelings before you went, but you said I only got this way with you when you had one foot out the door and that pretty effectively shut me down.

"I was insane with worry while you were gone. I was still having the nightmares of them sticking the needle in my arm and the lethal injection starting to steal my breath away while I was uselessly protesting my innocence, but now they were jumbled up with a thousand night terrors of how a mission with Webb could go wrong, dreams of all the different ways you could die down there.

"I was impossible to live with, ask anyone at the office. I tried to go through the motions of doing my duty, but my heart had gone south with you and I was the shell of a man.

"The dreams were not letting me go, even in my waking hours. I'd sometimes see something happening to you in my mind, in the middle of a case in the courtroom, while I was driving, while I was shaving. I couldn't eat. I was afraid to sleep. Worse yet, the dreams were solidifying and taking on a more certain tone. I was about to lose you and I felt so damn powerless to prevent it. When the Admiral told me you and Webb were missing, I had absolutely no choice. I had to try and do something.

"I knew I had to come after you, had to try to save you or die in the attempt. You weren't an obsession or a science project, Sarah. You are the air that I breath, my one true love, my life and I couldn't pretend everything was okay and trust your fate to God and the CIA. I had to come after you. When the Admiral refused to let me take leave to come after you, writing my resignation barely rated as an afterthought. My life and career were not important, only you really mattered."

Rabb paused, looking down at the floor, taking deep gulps of air to try and calm his racing heart. Each word he had just spoken extracted a terrible price as it brought the memories to such vivid life he was truly reliving them. He wasn't even aware he was crying. He wondered briefly if he was dreaming he was here, revealing himself this way. He hurried on, determined to get the last of this out before he ran for the hills.

"When I got to Paraguay, I did what it took to find you – whatever it took. I could hardly recognize myself. I've always had rules of engagement and rules of honor I've lived by. They have been there my entire life, but none of those mattered at that point. Saving you was all that mattered to me. I killed more men coming after you than I can even recall – I even snapped one's neck with my bare hands." He stopped, unaware he was staring at his own hands, aghast at the monstrosity of that moment. "The thing that registered the most later was that that had been the first time in my life I had ever been so target-fixated, that the life I had just taken barely was a ghost image on my radar – I felt no regret. I had crossed the line into becoming someone I never thought I was capable of being."

He snorted a humorless laugh at the image of himself back then. "I think I lost a bit of hope when that happened. Had coming to free you just turned me into a man who could never be worthy of your love, something I've always been damn insecure about anyway?

"I found you, in time to save your life, thank God, but I was filled with doubt if I could ever be worthy of telling you how I felt about you after what I had just done and how easily I did it. All my insecurities slammed into overdrive and I was ugly with jealousy when you seemed to be focused in such a special way on Clayton Webb, the author of the entire disaster. I had given up everything to come after you and I was terrified it was already too late. You had moved on."

"I know I was terrible to you down there, Mac, but I was in so much turmoil. On top of that, I wanted nothing more than to declare my love and make wild passionate love to you to prove it. However, I truly believed we had a mission to complete, that we both needed to get out of there and safely home before we should try to talk – or, at the very least, we should wait until the mission was completed. Once it was over, I was ready to talk, although I still would have preferred to come home first, but…"

Sarah spoke, for the first time. "I cut you off at the pass. I told you there would never be an us because we both wanted to be on top. With everything you had sacrificed to save me, I said you wanted to be on top physically and emotionally and that was impossible. I told you I had clarity, when what I really was experiencing was probably closer to post traumatic stress disorder and maybe some Stockholm syndrome thrown in to the mix." Her voice was full of understanding and regret. "Harm, I am so sorry."

Harmon Rabb Jr. finally dared glance at her now. "Don’t be sorry. It was my failure. I am the world's biggest failure at love, Mac. I have only myself to blame for your declaration. The tortoise has nothing on me when it comes to being slow moving in this area of my life. I have no right to say these things to you now, but I had to express it, just this once, even if it is too late. I'll – I'll leave now." He couldn't read her expression, outside of the sympathy and regret he had already heard in her voice.

God, it was too late. All she could feel for him now was pity. His eyes had fallen back to the floor immediately after grazing over her briefly, his shoulders fell in resignation and the horrible thought Webb might be in the other room, imprinted itself on his mind. How the spook must be laughing at his idiocy! "I don't even know if you have company. I'll scram out of here now, before I embarrass either of us any further."

Now the Marine in Mac leapt to the fore. "Like hell you will, mister! Stand down. No better yet, sit down. If you think you get to play Mr. Emotional Hit and Run at this point in our relationship, you have another thing coming. Sit!"

The command tone in her voice did something to the motor function part of his brain and his legs just folded. He sat all right, from a full stand to a bone jarring impact on his six on her hard wood floor, like a well trained hound dog and it hurt, darn it. His eyes watered at the pain of the impact and he dropped his head into his hands in embarrassment and shame. He allowed himself. "That was one hard landing into the tarmac without a tail hook arrest!"

"Oh, good grief, Harmon Rabb, Jr. When I said 'sit', I didn't expect you to take the command so literally. Can you stand up or do you need a hand?"

"I think I really need to wait a moment or two. I must look pretty ridiculous, but it really does hurt, all the way up to my teeth." He admitted, sheepishly. "As many ejections as my back has put up with, that kind of drop is a bit rougher on me than it would have been in younger days." The laughter died away and he allowed himself a slight grimace.

Sitting on his rump on Mac's hard wood floor, his eyes covered, Harm heard, rather than saw, Sarah scramble to her feet, come around the coffee table and clamber onto the couch, until he imagined she must be looking down at him over the back of that piece of furniture. Still, he hid behind his long fingers, certain from the heat of the skin under his fingertips that his face was flaming red from embarrassment. He heard the concern in her voice as she asked him, gently. "Are you all right, Harm?"

He dared to peek out between the fingers of his right hand. Sarah had her lips tightly compressed into a thin line as she waited his response, but he noted the slight quivering of her lips and the mirth barely held in check by the concern lest his precipitous drop might actually have triggered injury.

The sight of her struggling to keep her amusement in check was sufficient to overcome his own sense of chagrin. He surrendered to the humor of the situation and began to chuckle. Once he did that, Mac joined in, permitting herself to giggle. They laughed together a couple of moments, until the urge eased up. As they regained control, he sighed and wiped the moisture that was still on his face with his hands, rubbing them dry on the legs of his pants.

Sarah extended her hands, draping herself over the couch back to reach for him, mildly chastising him. "I really did not expect you to take my request you sit quite so literally."

"Hah! You say request, but I heard a command." He retorted.

"Are you hurt?" The concern was still there.

"My six will probably be black and blue tomorrow, but I think the worst damage is to what little dignity I had left."

"Don't confuse personal dignity with ego, Harm. Your dignity will hold up just fine. Grab hold here, sailor. Let's haul you up."

He reached up and grasped one of her hands, but with the other gripped the back of the couch, using it for most of the leverage needed to pull erect.

They were both a bit disconcerted at the electricity that linking their hands engendered, so they let go as soon as it was safe to do so.

Harm used his freed hand to dust off, while still using the hand still on the couch to steady himself.

"Please, Harm. Come and sit down." Mac pleaded, patting the couch. "“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “To talk of many things:"

"Of shoes—and ships—and sealing wax—
Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—
And whether pigs have wings.” Harm finished the quote and ventured slowly over to the chair across from where Mac sat on the couch. He knew if he sat too close he would lose himself in the scent and nearness of her and all coherent thought would be lost. "I think I've probably said too much already." He admitted, as he cautiously eased himself down to the chair.

"You regret having spoken your mind so soon?" There was a sarcastic bite to her question.

Harm flinched slightly, but his eyes met hers, unwavering. "I regret that it has taken me so long to open up to you, Sarah. I have a lot of things I do regret, but telling you the truth at last, is NOT one of them."

Mac broke the gaze first, looking down where her hands clasped each other in her lap. "Sorry about my tone just now. You didn't deserve it. You threw me a bit of a curve ball tonight."

"I know, Mac. As usual, my timing stinks." He shrugged, feeling lame.

"You really love me?"

"Yes, Sarah, I do. I know I am not good enough for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world; and, if you believe Webb can give you that, I'll never speak of these feelings again, but I had to tell you at least once, straight out, that I do love you." Harm's eyes were studying the throw rug on the floor as he spoke, his eyes brimming with tears.

"Couldn't we leave Webb out of this conversation?" Mac asked.

Harm's eyes came up to meet hers for an instant before returning to once more study the rug. "That's a bit like asking me to ignore the elephant in the room."

"More like the albatross around my neck." Sarah said, rather fiercely.

"When did he become an albatross?" Harm was genuinely confused and concerned. "I thought things were progressing well between you, when he manages to be around, that is. Mac, if you expect to have a relationship with an agent, you have to acclimate yourself to the lifestyle."

"After I killed Sadiq, something happened between us that had never happened before. Things have been so complicated ever since." Her sigh was full of regret. "Honestly, Harm, I'm not sure where my 'relationship' with Webb is going, or where I want it to go. There are serious problems."

"Oh. Look, I admit I can't be the most objective sounding board, but, I truly want your happiness above all else, so, if I can help, I'll try." Although his heart revolted at the thought, Harm still cared about Clayton Webb; he was angry as hell with him and resented his idea of courtship, but what could you expect from an Agency man? He cared for both Webb and Mac. He also had an opinion about what probably happened that she was obliquely referring to. He was be a bit surprised if they had taken eight months to take their relationship to the level of sex, but, if that was the complicating factor, he wouldn't delve any deeper when it might not be welcome. With some hesitance, he asked. "Do you love him, Sarah?"

"I'm not certain - I think, maybe..."

"If you do, the feelings I've expressed tonight are besides the point. I didn't tell you to try and influence your decision about you and Clay." Harm said gently. "I feel what I feel. If it didn't change after Paraguay, it won't be changing now. I can honestly say that what was said on the Admiral's porch still holds true, at least for my part." He reached across the coffee table, caught her hand and lifting it up to his lips, he gently cherished the back of her fingers with a kiss. "You will always have someone who loves you, querida mia."

Reluctantly, he hurried on. "Look, I have to get home. Please know I am not running away this time, Sarah. I am giving you time to sort things through. Whatever you decide, I will always love you, but I will also respect your feelings and the boundaries you choose to impose." He spoke with a sincerity that made him feel as if the life was being choked out of him. "I think I should say goodnight, ninja girl. I'm not playing Mr. Emotional Hit and Run. I'm leaving to let you get some rest. I need to get some ice on my 'dignity'." He stood and walked slowly to the door. "Lock up behind me, Marine."

"Drive carefully, flyboy." Sarah didn't fight his decision because she knew he was right. She needed time to think; at least, that was his guess. Mac followed him to the door. He stood outside until he was certain she had secured the locks and deadbolt.

His walk back to the car was introspective, a bit sad, yet filled with a kind of relief. Inept as it might have been, he had told her. There was a freedom in that. He would face whatever the future held at least knowing he had told his Sarah he loved her. It was enough for now. His honor and decency would permit no more.

When Rabb got to the car, the radio was on and the song that was playing was from THE BODYGUARD and sung by Whitney Houston. His lips twisted into a sad smile at the irony of the timing. Lord, how this song seemed to fit. Sarah had given him no real encouragement or hope.
"If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way
And I will always love you
I will always love you
You
My darling, ooh
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So goodbye--please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need
And I will always love you
I will always love you
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But, above all this, I wish you love
And I will always love you"
Sadly, he admitted to himself, he might indeed not be what Sarah MacKenzie needed. It had taken him too long to let go of his sorrow over losing his dad so young and to such uncertainty. He was way behind the learning curve and he despaired of ever catching up, but Sarah had also not told him there was no hope for him or that she didn't feel the same, so perhaps there was a glimmer of hope. With all his years of searching for his dad and believing he would find him some day…alive, Harmon Rabb Jr. was an expert on hope, however tarnished now by reality.

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