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Date Posted: 09:03:47 05/06/08 Tue
Author: DZR
Author Host/IP: 81.157.59.185
Subject: Boyfriend? What boyfriend?
In reply to: Gabismo 's message, "but...but..." on 16:35:45 05/05/08 Mon

LOL! If by "long time" you mean the entire time I've been on this board, then yeah I'd say it's been a long time since you mentioned that you had a boyfriend. In fact not only have you never mentioned him, you so regularly chat about other hot guys that I'm actually really surprised to hear you're not single.

I think you need to spell everything out for us, 'cos I'm sensing we're all pretty confused right now. Details, gabs, details.

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Well, it's like this.... -- Gabs, 19:59:11 05/06/08 Tue [1] (83.222.159.200)

A. and I got together in 03 but about two years ago I started getting sort of... antsy. There was nothing actually wrong between the two of us, the problem was just that I'm a pretty big flirt and I was missing being single. We broke up then but we still hung out a lot, and eventually fell back into old habits.

Not counting that break, this summer it'll be five years and it's freaking me out because I still feel far too young for such a serious commitment and I can't help wondering what I'm missing. Again, things between us are fine, he's my best friend and I can't imagine being without him... but I'm also really feeling the desire to play the field again, you know?

I suppose I don't mention A. often because I know some of my online peeps knew about the break up and after that it was such a mess and so confusing to explain my relationship status that I just avoided talking about it altogether. I'm sorry if I was misleading, I feel quite guilty now!


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Hmmm ... -- DZR, 01:54:22 05/07/08 Wed [1] (81.159.47.161)

I'm not sure who you were apologising to in the last sentence, or why you say you feel guilty. I hope nothing I said made you feel guilty, that wasn't the intention at all.

I think you're in a difficult situation, but the bottom line is that it's probably quite clear what you should do. If you really were madly in love with him and totally devoted to him you wouldn't feel the way you do, and you rather give that away by describing him as your best friend. You want to see other people. Therefore, that really is probably what you should do.

Some friends of mine, aged 32 (her) and 33 (him) have been going out for 9 years, and she has just finally told him that basically she adores him like her best friend, thinks of him almost like a brother, but has finally come to terms with the fact that she isn't in love with him. It's been totally devastating for both of them, precisely because they've been together for so long, and they've left it so late to finally say this that of course there is a realistic worry about meeting someone else in time to have children at the sort of the age that most people would like to have children, etc. For God's sake don't fall into the same trap. My friends have made both their lives much harder than they should've been, just for the sake of going with something that was nice and not wanting to hurt the other person or do without them. I'm friends with all of my ex-girlfriends; there is no reason why you have to lose A's friendship if you decide to break up with him.

Another (female) friend of mine spent her whole youth (mid-teens to early thirties) with her childhood sweetheart just because he was her best friend. But she wasn't in love with him at all. Made herself miserable, until finally, far too late, she had the courage to break up with him. Now she's doing all the crap she should have done in her teens and twenties, getting her heart broken by silly young hipster boys, and I really worry that by the time she gets it together to settle down with someone it will be too late to have the family I know she'd like (she's already 36 and nowehere near a stable relationship and I know she wants to have kids one day).

(I hope I'm not overstepping anything by saying that -- I'm not pretending that I'm the oracle of relationships or that I can give you advice that you should take. On the other hand I felt that your honest statement deserved an honest reply.)


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> You're not overstepping anything, don't worry. -- Gabs, 06:22:35 05/07/08 Wed [1] (83.222.159.200)

In fact I was sort of hoping for advice because I'm sort of stumped myself. On the other hand it's not advice I really want to hear because I hate to think of hurting him.

Both scenarios are honestly sort of terrifying and you can believe that I don't want to end up like that as well!

I suppose I felt guilty because usually you don't hide your relationship status from your friends. Also I feel guilty towards A. for even wanting to see other people. *sigh*


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