thank you -- Random Thoughts infinity

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Date Posted: 05:22:48 11/27/10 Sat
Author: MaryS
Author Host/IP: 93-96-160-112.zone4.bethere.co.uk / 93.96.160.112
Subject: thank you

I had not planned to post here... I did not know if anyone even remembered me here. I am connected with some of you on facebook but in some cases I do not know which name on here corresponds to the one I have on facebook. I did not know that madonna would post here but it's ok. Now that she has, I do feel the need to add a couple of things. This is really hard but necessary if anyone is to try in any way to understand. This is not the same as if he had died in an accident or from an illness. The obituary reads like a happy full life... but he was crippled with depression for the past several year... to my knowledge. I have since found out that the problem started in his teens or before. I did not know. How could I not know? Neil took his own life that night three weeks ago. He had said things in past weeks that should have been taken more seriously. I was not told. I am here across the ocean. The last conversation I had with him in mid October seemed normal. He had helped his dad pick out a new computer and was helping him set it up. We talked about computer things. He had been living with his Dad since returning from New Orleans... after helping with the restoration of his workplace there. When that was finished he was unable to continue to live there... most of his friends were gone and life had changed too much. On that night of November 6th he died his his dads garage. His dad found him a few hours later after returning from an evening out. I woke up here on Sunday morning to a skype message blinking on my computer (I have a skpe-in phone number that is in fact a local call for anyone in ann arbor... anyone that can easily call ann arbor can just as easily call me). My ex had left a voice mail on my skype. I could tell he was crying... something he had never done his entire adult life. He said, "hi mary, you'd better call me". It was 8:30 am here... he had left the message at 8 am my time which was either 2am or 3 am Michigan time depending on how you view the resetting of the clocks that night. Why was he calling me at that hour? I knew. I told my husband and he said "don't think the worst... just call him." But I knew. I prepared. I entered my ex's phone number in our home phone directory as I have to dial quite a few extra numbers first to get the calling plan that lets me call pretty much any country. After I finished that I was shaking. I took the phone upstairs to make the call. He answered... I could tell he was crying. I said "why did you call me? you are scaring me." He said "because of what you are scared of... Neil is dead." I screamed "Noooo"... over and over... louder and louder.... my husband ran upstairs and held me....I finally pressed the button on the phone and set it on the floor. I collapsed into my husbands arms as I was nearly falling off the edge of the bed. He said "is he in the hospital?" I screamed "he's dead." I don't remember much more of that day but at some point I called my ex back to ask what exactly had happened. He told me but I found out later he had tried to make it easier... things did not add up... I called him back 12 hours later and he finally told me how Neil had done it. He had taken extra of his prescription medications as I was first told... but he had then built a small bonfire in the garage and poured gasoline on himself and burnt himself to death. Beyond recognition. This is what my ex found just a couple of hours before he phoned me. Why didn't Neil call me? Why didn't he say goodbye. There is no note. I kept checking my email and my facebook messages sure that something would turn up. He never said goodbye.

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Replies:

[> my heart is breaking for you, Mary -- lindalou, 06:09:38 11/27/10 Sat [1] (24-176-56-185.dhcp.klmz.mi.charter.com/24.176.56.185)

I cannot imaging how you must feel. I'm so sorry.