| Subject: Episode Two: Oblivious Menace |
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Team Bravo
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Date Posted: 16:26:59 03/14/01 Wed
Life In General
Episode Two: Oblivious Menace
Scene One: Professor Campbell's Class
Prof. Campbell: Today I have a little surprise for you class...
Sam(whispers to Ellie and Ashe): Does the surprise spell chainsaw?
Prof. Campbell(leans into Sam): If you'd like to join us Samantha, we can begin class
Sam: I'm here aren't I? I could very well skip your class
Prof. Campbell: Well, I'm glad you could grace us with your presence.
Sam: Really it was no trouble at all. Seeing as how I have an A because you have given NO TESTS,
[Stands up] NO PAPERS, NO HANDOUTS, NO ASSIGNMENTS, [Grabs notebook] AND NO
NOTES!!!!
Prof. Campbell(calmly): Oh, you have an A, do you?
Sam: Oh, you...I'll get back to you.
Prof. Campbell: Now for my surprise. I have on loan from the Smithsonian [walks over to Sam]
something which will prove my lessons [gets in Sam's face] are true. [holds up a large up a large
book] Necromonicron Des Mortes. Roughly translated, The Book of the Dead. It details the history,
incantations, and methods of control over....[glares at Sam]...anyone? Anyone want to guess? Anyone
at all? Anyone....in the first row? Anyone....in the third seat from the left? [Sam looks over at the
empty third seat.] ....(cringes) FOURTH seat from the left. [stares at Sam]
Sam: I'm sorry, what was the question? [prof. campbell gives a frustrated sigh]
Ashe(stands up with a smirk on his face): Uh, Professor C, I have a little bit of knowledge up in my
noggin concerning the...
Prof. Campbell: Yes, we know you have a little bit of knowledge up in your noggin. Now can
anyone answer the question who I don't want to see impaled on a stick?
[Betsy walks in.]
Betsy: Professor Campbell...
Prof. Campbell: AH!! What is that horrible noise?!
Sam: It's a deadite.
Prof. Campbell: Thank you, Samantha for finally answering the question.
Sam(points to Betsy): No, Professor Campbell, it really is a deadite.
Betsy: What's a deadite?
Prof. Campbell: I'll explain later...but for now just take a seat and don't say anything...for the love of
God, please, don't say a word. [Betsy walks in the room] And shut the door! (mumbles) What?,
Were ya born in a barn? Probably was born in a barn, with all the other primates in this class.
Ashe: I heard that Professor C.
Prof. Campbell: Ashe, I would like to get through one class without hearing your smartass comments.
Ashe: But I didn't...
Prof. Campbell: Tell ya what, if you don't say one more word for the rest of the class, you'll get an A.
Sam: What will he get if he says something?
Prof. Campbell(glares at Sam): The same thing you're about to get.
Sam: Aw, damnit.
Scene Two: The Thinking Cap, 3rd Floor.
(Ellie, Sam, and Ashe are sitting in the lounge. Tristian walks and approaches the group)
Tristian: Hey, do any of you have the notes from Medieval History, with Dr. Campbell?
Sam: (digs through her bookbag) First off, Tristian. He is not a doctor... I don't even know if he is
qualified to teach chimpanzees, let alone college students.
Tristian: uh...I just need the notes, Sam...
Sam: (rips a blank page from her notebook and hands it to Tristian)...Go nuts...
Tristian: This is just a blank piece of paper...
Sam: That's right. It should cover all the notes we've taken...and WILL TAKE this semester
(Tristian leaves bewildered. Richard walks in wearing pajamas, and looking as though he just awoke)
Ellie: Richard...It's 4:30. Don't you have any classes...Ever?
(Before Richard can answer Mia walks into the lounge. She is also wearing pajamas and looking like
she just awoke.)
Sam: Well...this is certainly an interesting development.
Ashe: Mia...I thought you lived in Bonner?
Mia: I do, I just stayed over and talked with Richard last night.
Ellie: Richard...aren't those, your pajamas.
Richard: Technically, yes.
(Ashe begins to dig his nails into the chair)
Ashe: What precisely did you talk about...all night?
Mia: Um...lots of different things. Well, I'd better get dressed and head back to my room. See you
later. Bye Richard. (She waves to him as she leaves)
Ashe: (stares neutrally at Richard. Richard turns to leave for his room as well. Ashe lunges out of the
chair, and pulls Richard back into the lounge.) I assume there is a perfectly LOGICAL explanation for
this awkward situation...
Richard: What situation? All we did was talk. She's really nice, you're in there Ashe. (winks at Ashe)
Sam: Oh that's obvious.
[Richard leaves]
Ellie: And the plot thickens.
Ashe: That's it! I'm gonna bust you down so fast...
Ellie: What?! Just for that?! That's not fair!
Ashe: Well, I'm under a lot of pressure right now! And you're not helping!
Sam: You gotta love the irony here. You do an entire song and dance just so this girl would talk to
you, and what happens? She went for the riverdance king.
Ashe: Yes I had the whole situation worked out in my mind...[becoming more agitated]...thank you for
repeating it for me.
Sam: She chose a guy with more physiological disorder than Ted Bundee over the guy who managed
to convince all the people who work in the dish room that he is their Messiah. The irony is so
amazing!
[Ashe starts to lunge at Sam, but Ellie holds him back.]
Ellie: Now now, Ashe, if you kill her, you will loose your sanity.
Ashe: Oh right. Thank you. And for that, you're back to Private.
Ellie: I'm thrilled.Scene Three: Video store
Ashe(walks to the horror section of the video store): Lets see, what cheesy horror movie can we rent
this time?
Sam: How many are we renting?
Ellie: That depends on how much money we have...wait a minute, how much money do we have? I'm
broke...all I've got is a dollar.
Sam: That's one dollar more than I've got.
Ashe: Well I don't have any money either. If no one has any money, then what are we doing here?!
Who's idea was this?! (glares at Ellie)
Ellie: Don't look at me, it was your idea.
Ashe: Wait, maybe I can convince the brainless guy behind the counter to let us rent one for free.
Sam: And how are you going to do that?
Ashe: Watch and learn. [He walks over to the counter.]
Trainee: Can I help you sir?
Ashe: Here's the deal. We want to rent a movie, but are a little short on cash. If we rent a movie
that is so stupid, no one would even consider renting it, can we rent it for free?
Trainee: Uh...sir, I don't think we can let you do that.
Ashe: Can you tell me why? The movies are just going to rot and wither away on the rack anyway.
Trainee: Uh...um...You'll have to speak to the manager....
Ashe: I'll do that. Where is his office? [Turns around and sees a door toward the back of the store.]
Ah, that must be it. I'll go there myself.
Trainee: No, sir, that's not....
[Ashe opens the door and enters, not noticing the sign that read "Adult Videos". A minute later Ashe
burst out of the room with a stunned look on his face. Ellie and Sam are bending over laughing.]
Ashe: You're manager......is a very sick man.
Ellie(takes a breath and tries to calm down.): Ashe, that's not the manager's office.
Ashe: What?
Sam: That's the porn.
Ashe: What? [Turns around and notices the "Adult Video" sign.] I knew that. However, I believe that
because I had to endure the smut of your "manager's office" we should be allowed to rent movies for
free. I am sure you see my logic.
(Outside the video store. Sam, Ellie, and Ashe are thrown out of the store.)
Trainee: That'll teach you to try to freeload! Please, come again.
Sam: Brilliant plan, Captain. I am in awe of your abilities. Next time, perhaps we should bring money.
Just a suggestion though.
Ashe: Suggestion noted, Widowmaker.
Sam: Stop calling me that!
Ashe: Certainly...Widowmaker.
Sam: (throw her arms up in frustration and begins walk back to the campus) Why do I even bother?
[They spot Richard and Mia walking into the video store from across the parking lot.]
Sam: Hey, Ashe, look at that. The love birds are going into the video store.
Ashe(glares at Richard): No! I will not have it!! [He runs across the parking lot after Richard when
he is struck by a Jeep Wrangler.]
Ellie: Oh, that's not good.
Sam:Ya think?!
Richard(turns around and sees the jeep. He has a look of longing on his face. He sighs): One
day....one day I shall have you.
Scene Four: In Ashe's Hospital Room
[Richard is dressed in doctor scrubs and is talking to one of the other doctors.]
Richard(takes a deep breath): He's not going to make it, pull the plug.
Doctor: Do you have the authority to do that?
Richard: No time for details, this man is hopeless. Pull the plug.
Doctor: Sir, this is a man's life. He only has a broken leg, you can't pull the plug.
Richard: Well if you won't do it, then I will.
Prof. Campbell(standing in the corner): Well, well...I've been waiting for this moment.
[Richard pulls a plug and the lights go out.]
Sam: Well I hope you're happy. We are now standing in the dark.
Prof. Campbell: Useless primates. [Walks next to Ashe.]
Ashe: Professor C, help me. They're all trying to kill me.
Prof. Campbell: Don't worry Ashe, I'm going to end all your suffering. [Reaches back and pulls the
plug. The heart monitor goes flatlined.]
Ellie: Uh, Professor Campbell, he only has a broken leg....pulling the plug wouldn't do much.
Prof. Campbell(looks at the patient next to Ashe): Oh, sorry. [plugs the heart monitor back in.
Meanwhile Richard yanks the iv needle out of Ashe and sticks it in himself.]
Sam: Richard, what are you doing? It's only saline solution.
Ellie: Shh, let him have his fun.
Ashe: Get me out of here! Everyone is trying to kill me!!
Ellie: Look on the bright side, Ashe, they're failing miserably.
Ashe: Oh thanks, that's much better. [Mia walks in]
Mia: Why are the lights out?
Sam: They pulled the plug.
Ellie(in Mia's face): Well I hope you're happy. [Lights go back on.]
Mia(sees Richard on the chair next to Ashe with a look of pleasure on his face. Ashe is hiding in his
covers on his bed.): Uh, what is going on in here?
Ashe: Madness!!! MADNESS!!!
Ellie: This is all your fault!
Mia: What?
Ellie: Because of you and your relations with Richard, Ashe was compelled to jump in front of a jeep.
Don't you realize what this man has done for you?! Dont you realize that this man is in love with
you?!
Ashe: SHUTUP DUMBASS!!!!
Mia: Why does he call you that?
Ellie(hangs head. Quietly.): It's my name. [Bitsy enters the room] Uh oh, take cover, Captian. The
deadites are coming.
Prof. Campbell: What?! It can't be! Run for you're lives!! [He runs to the window, jumps and
breaks through the window.]
Sam: Um...that would be effective, if we weren't on the first floor.
Betsy: What's a deadite?
Ashe(looking up): Why me? Why me?! What did I do to be put through all this hell?!
Sam: You were cursed at birth.
Ashe: You laugh, but its true.
Richard: Oh yeah, this is the stuff!!
Ellie(walks over to Richard and takes the iv needle out of his arm and puts it back in Ashe): There,
one problem solved.
Ashe: Ouch!! Damn you, Ellie!!
Richard: Hey, I was using that!
Ellie: Yes, and you were begining to scare me.
Sam: Begining?
[Richard walks over and yanks the iv needle out of Ashe again, and reinserted it in his arm once
again.]
Ashe: AHHH!!! Damnit, Richard!! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?!?!?! [Richard gives
Ashe a blank stare. Ashe growls] Why do I even bother? [Looks up again] I'm being punished. I
know I am being punished.
Richard: Hey Mia, I'm hungry, want to go get a bite to eat?
Ashe(in a quiet weak voice): Richard, come here. I....I have something I need to tell you...[Richard
walks over to Ashe and leans forward so he can hear Ashe. Ashe's expression changed to anger as he
grabbed Richard.] TRAITOR!!!!
Ellie: Ashe...
Ashe(shaking Richard, and hitting him): YOU TRAITOR!!! I TRUSTED YOU!!!!
Sam: Ashe calm down...you're acting like we are actually on a real military team.
Mia: Yeah, let him go.
Ash: Ok, but only because you told me to.
Scene Five: Professor Campbell's Class
[Ashe stumbles in, drops his books, and falls into his seat.]
Ashe: Curse these infernal crutches! (looks at his books on the floor, then glares at Sam.) Thanks for
helping me carry my books, Sam.
Sam: Don't look at me, she's the private.
Ashe: (looks at Ellie) Ah yes. Pick up my books, Private.
Ellie: No.
Ashe: Damnit, Ellie, follow your orders or I'll bust you down so fast....
Ellie: Oh shutup about the Team Bravo crap already! You can bust me down all you want, I don't
care.
Sam: ITS NOT REAL!! This whole Team Bravo thing is in your head, none of it is real. This is all
you people think of, I want no part of it.
Ashe: Widowmaker....
Sam: STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! It's not my name! Team Bravo doesn't exist!
Ashe:(Stares at Sam vacantly) Stop speaking in riddles, Widowmaker.
Sam:(groans) I give up.
Substitute: Class if you'll please quiet down, I have an announcement to make.
Sam: The men from the physiatric ward finally discovered that Prof. Campbell escaped?
Substitute(Ignoring Sam.): Unfortunately, Professor Campbell was pushed out a five story window
yesterday and will remain in the hospital for the next few weeks...
Ellie: Pushed? He wasn't pushed! He jumped out the window...
Sam: On the first floor!
Substitute: I think you are mistaken. Why would a person of his standards feel compelled to jump out
of a window? No, Professor Campbell was pushed out the window.
Sam: Standards?! The man thinks that Deadites attacked King Arthur!
Ashe: And he tried to kill me!!
Sam: He doesn't teach anything but pure nonsense!
Ashe: And he tried to kill me!!
Ellie: Plus, we saw him jump out the window....on the first floor
Ashe: And he tried to kill me!!
Substitute: Young ladies, I'm sure you were mistaken. Professor Campbell is a wonderful professor
and would never hurt anyone...
Ashe: HE TRIED TO KILL ME!!
Sam: A wonderful professor? Have you listened to any of his rambling?!
Ashe: And, he tried...
Substitute: Look, obviously you three are not fans of Professor Campbell....
Sam: Oh obviously
Substitute: I don't know what kind of prank the three of you are trying to play, but Professor
Campbell, did not jump out of a window on the first floor....he was pushed out of a window on the
fifth floor...
Ashe: But he tried...
Substitute: And I'm certain he didn't try to kill you. Now, if you are finished will your insane
rambling, we can get started with today's lesson.
Sam:(turns to Ellie and Ashe) Our insane rambling?!
Substitute: Now, for today's lesson. Unfortunately Professor Campbell did not leave a lesson plan for
the substitute...
Sam: Probably because he didn't want anyone in the faculty to find out about his insane rambling..
Substitute: ...So, does anyone have the notes from the previous class to give me an idea of where I
should start today's lesson?
Sam: I've got it [tares a blank page out of her notebook] Here are the notes of the entire semester so
far...
Substitute(stares at blank page): Uh, ma'am this is just a blank piece of paper...
Sam: Now you're catching on.
Substitute: Does anyone else have notes on the previous class? (complete silence) Well then, in that
case....class dismissed.
[As the class leaves the room, Ashe looks over at the Book of the Dead, still sitting on Professor
Campbell's desk.]
Ashe(paranoid): Stop staring at me!!
Sam: Ashe, it's a book. It's not staring at you. [As they leave, the book shifts to face Ashe,]
Scene Six: Sam and Ellie's Room
Ashe(tired from climbing the stairs): Curse this blasted crutches!! I need to rest.... [flops on Ellie's
bed which is hard]...ouch...
Ellie: I've told you a million times...my bed is not soft.
Ashe: Remind me again, why oh why did I run in the parking lot only to be run over by a jeep?
Richard(runs in holding a the book of the dead): Hey guys, look what I found!
Ashe(looks at Richard): Ah yes, it suddenly hit me....
Ellie: Found? You didn't find that!
Richard: Ok, I borrowed it.
Sam: Borrowed?
Richard: Ok, so I stole it.
Ellie: That's what I thought.
Richard: But look at it...it's so cool. It has a face! Look, Ashe...
Ashe: Dah!!! Get it away from me!!!
Sam: Give me that! (grabs book from Richard) Written in blood my ass, its probably magic
marker...[She opens the book and begins reading from the book. Evil Dead fog fills the room.]
Betsy(hears the voices of Ashe, Sam, Ellie, and Richard and walks to their door.): Hey guys...Wait, I
know I heard voices. Where'd everybody go? Come out Ashe, I know you're in here....
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