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Date Posted: 20:28:25 04/24/09 Fri
Author: .
Subject: In the Night's Stillness

Title: In the Night’s Stillness

Prompt: From The Notebook – submitted by Theresa

Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Word count: approximately 4,300

Category: Angst/Romance

Rating: PGish

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to Paramount and DPB. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Mac spends a restless night trying to let go of a dream. Set in season 6. (I believe any self-respecting JAG fan should be able to figure out when.)

Author’s Note: I took the liberty of splitting the prompt into two sections, however the quote is used in its entirety.


********************


Top down on the cherry red convertible, she sped down the nearly deserted Beltway devoid of the typical bumper to bumper traffic of government workers on their way to one of the countless federal buildings in DC and the tourist buses in their perpetual loop to the capital’s sights. At 0300 even Washington DC, for the most part, sleeps.

Except for Sarah MacKenzie. Sleep wouldn’t come for her tonight. Not that she’d even tried to close her eyes, to quiet the turmoil of emotion whirling in her head and heart, to relax the tension that inhabited seemingly every muscle in her body. She didn’t even remember leaving her apartment. Had no recollection of how many miles or minutes she’d driven.

She did remember Mic leaving her at her apartment door, relieved that he accepted her excuse of having to go into JAG early in the morning as her reason for sending him back to his own apartment. She recalled his goodnight kiss. A kiss that, instead of infusing her with the warmth of love for the man she’d pledged to marry, only served as a cold reminder of the scorching kiss she’d shared that night with another.

And despite the cool, spring air rushing past her face, she remembered the heat of that other kiss, could still taste him on her lips, could feel the warmth of his touch where his hands had caressed the bare skin of her back underneath the jacket he’d chivalrously slung over her shoulders. It seemed as if her skin should be blistered from the touch, her lips seared by the contact with his. As a match to dry kindling, the first brush of her lips to his had ignited an instantaneous flame - the embers of which still smoldered.

As she pressed down a little harder on the accelerator, goosebumps trailed along the skin exposed by the dress she still wore - raised not by the chilly air, but from nerve endings responding to the remembrance of his touch.

She had kissed Harm. Or he had kissed her. She wasn’t quite sure of the order of things. She was, however, certain of the fact that she’d never felt such emotion - such raw, unadulterated passion. She now came to the realization that she had never been truly kissed before tonight. All the ardent kisses she’d shared with men in the past – even with Mic – were mere imitations of what she’d felt when Harm pulled her against his body, claiming her mouth with his.

What kind of woman did that make her? Weeks before her wedding, the night of her engagement party no less, she was in the arms of a man who made her forget all about her fiancé waiting on the other side of the Admiral’s front door.

As she chastised herself, Mac realized her mindless driving had taken her across the Arlington Bridge. Parking near the National Mall, she hoped that perhaps a walk in the quiet of the night might bring the escape from her tortured thoughts that speed had not.

She walked without conscious thought of destination. The sidewalks alongside the reflecting pool, typically bustling with locals jogging and tourists following their folded maps from monument to monument, were almost eerily empty.

As she followed the winding walks, Mac couldn’t stop her mind from taking her back to the Admiral’s porch. What had she been trying to accomplish with that little stroll down memory lane with Harm? At the time she’d convinced herself that she needed closure on what could have been, but what she’d come to accept would never be. At least she thought she’d accepted it. She’d moved on with Mic – a man who loved her more than she deserved. A man who could give her the life she longed for and in return a man whom she would vow to love.

She found herself at the base of the Lincoln Memorial and slowly climbed each of the 98 steps. When she reached the top she turned to sit and gaze out across the incredible view. Not a soul was in sight and the feeling of being utterly alone wrapped its cold tendrils around her heart. She was so tired of the loneliness that had followed her out of childhood and into adult life. Sitting there at that solemn setting, Mac could admit that her feelings for Mic and the acceptance of his ring were somehow tangled up with that need to not be alone – to have a family of her own. Except - that lonely feeling was still inside.

Yet there was the Washington Monument pointing skyward bathed in light, like a beacon. It made her think of Harm – her beacon. He was her center and had been since she had taken his hand to pull him into that helo over Red Rock Mesa. When she was with him she never felt alone.

For years she believed that someday the time would be right and they would be together. That Harm would be the good man added to the great career and comfortable shoes. The children she always pictured in her future had blue-green eyes and megawatt smiles that would melt her heart. For years she grasped tightly to that dream. That is, until the cold water of rejection was flung in her face and she’d reluctantly released that long-held fantasy on a ferry half way around the world. Tonight, though, she’d taken it out and dusted it off. She could now admit that a part of her had dreamed that Harm would ride in like a white knight with gold wings from a silly fairytale and declare his undying love right there at her own engagement party, begging her to marry him instead of Mic.

She’d shamelessly given Harm every opportunity and, in his own obtuse way, he did state that he would always love her.  Just as she knew that there would be a part of her that would always be in love with him.  But she had to do what Harm couldn’t – let go.  How she had hoped he would let go of whatever held him back from a relationship with her, but if he hadn’t tonight with his feet held to the fire, she knew he never would.  He wouldn’t stop her from marrying Mic.

So she had to give up that dream and try to find happiness without him.  But how could she spend a lifetime loving Mic, sharing kisses with him, without thinking of the earth-shattering kiss she’d experienced with Harm?  How could she revel in a husband’s touch when she remembered the electricity that sparked at the mere brush of another man’s thumb against her hand, her cheek?  Mic deserved a wife who loved only him.  The question that plagued her was - could she get past her feelings for Harm to be that wife?

Sighing, she rose to wander inside the Memorial. The other monuments had their own draw – some awe-inspiring, others sobering - but Lincoln, his expression immortalized in stone, weighted with sorrow yet filled with compassion, always captivated her. The mesmerizing statue seemed so – fatherly. The little girl that still lingered somewhere inside, who’d never known the comfort of a daddy’s lap or the benefit of a father’s wisdom in matters of love and life, wished for a little paternal advice right then. Those thoughts led her on to where perhaps she’d find some clarity of mind and heart.

So many names. Mac followed the gleaming black wall, a remembrance of those who’d given the ultimate sacrifice. Each name had a story to tell. She sought and found the one name as familiar as her own. His story she knew – at least in part. She’d even had a hand in learning of how his saga had come to an end. Reaching out she traced the name of a man she had never met, but yet felt somehow connected to.

Her whispered words broke the stillness of the night. “Hello, Sir. I’m Sarah MacKenzie. You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of your son, Harm. You’d be so proud of him. He’s honest, loyal, compassionate. Much like you, I’m sure. I can’t imagine my life without him. He’s been there for me in more ways than I can count. Challenging me, supporting me. The best friend I’ve ever had.”

She thought of the man who’d had so little time with his young son, yet had also been the greatest influence on the man he had become. “I know you’ve been watching out for him. It’s a good thing, too. Your son gets into more trouble than anyone I know. He’d risk his life for something he believed in – or someone. That’s one of the reasons I love him. One of many…” Mac’s voice trailed off, before she continued to bare her heart to a name on a wall.

“Actually, that’s why I’m here. I don’t know what to do with the feelings I have for Harm. I’m supposed to get married soon – to someone else. He’s a good man, my fiancé. But I’m not sure that I love him as I should.” Conflicting emotions welled up in Mac, her voice cracking as she confessed in a whisper, “Not the way I love Harm.”

“And, well, I could really use a little guidance. Maybe you could send some divine intervention down – give me a sign so I’ll know I’m doing the right thing. I know you really don’t know me, but it’s always helped Harm to talk to you and I thought it might help me, too. I hope you don’t mind …”

“He doesn’t mind.”

Mac jumped at the words spoken behind her and whirled around, heart pounding nearly out of her chest in fright. “Harm!! What are you doing sneaking up on me?”

“The Navy getting the drop on a Marine? Don’t worry, Mac, I won’t tell your fellow Jarheads.”  His cocky retort didn’t hide the awkward tension he felt at being so near her.

Mac rolled her eyes, but didn’t respond to the tease, too worried that Harm had heard her confession to the ghost of his father.  Warily she asked, “How long have you been there?”

“Just got here.”

In actuality, he’d seen Mac from a distance as he neared the Wall.  Stopping at the sight of her, he had debated about approaching.  Not sure about facing her yet after what had transpired earlier on Chegwidden’s porch, but wondering if this was the opportunity he needed.  He’d reached a decision earlier, but was he ready to act on it?  So he had remained frozen in indecision, watching her.

It stirred something in his heart that she had come to his father – to the place where he went when he needed to find peace. And from where he stood it seemed as if she could use some peace. Even from that distance, illuminated only by moonlight and the muted light from nearby lampposts, she looked so small and forlorn. Yet as she stood in the midst of shadow and light; the skin that he now knew the softness of, so luminous; the sensuous curves that a few hours ago had been pressed up against him now silhouetted against the black granite Wall - he was stunned by her loveliness.  A mesmerizing combination of vulnerability and beauty, little girl lost and desirable woman.  It was that which slowly drew him closer. 

As he approached he heard her ask his father for guidance and he wondered if whatever weighed so heavily on her mind had anything to do with him. And now as he stood before her in this solemn place, he somehow felt as if his father had had a hand in orchestrating this moment.

“What are you doing here, Harm?”

“I could ask you the same question, Mac, but I have the feeling the answer would be the same. I, uh, had things on my mind after tonight.  Couldn’t sleep so I took a drive. Ended up here.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“We should have carpooled and saved on gas.”

She offered a sorry excuse of a smile that didn’t come close to reaching her eyes. “Cute, Harm. I told you once that doesn’t work on me.”

His smile was more genuine at the memory and as he gave the remembered response. “I wasn’t trying to be cute. I was being funny.”

The misery in her voice evident as she turned back to face the Wall, “I’m not in the mood for funny tonight.”

The humor left his voice in an instant as he asked concernedly, “What’s wrong Mac? What made you drive around DC at three in the morning?”

I can’t talk about it Harm, not with you.”

“So don’t talk to me. Talk to him. I’d be honored to loan you my dad, Mac. It’s always helped me sort things out in my head.”

She turned back to face Harm, but her eyes didn’t quite meet his. “I guess that’s what I’m doing here. Trying to sort things out.”

“What things?”

“Just things.” Her words came out on a sigh of frustration.

Tentatively he asked, “Does it have to do with what happened between us tonight?”

Her anguish and annoyance weren’t hidden as she avoided answering. “Harm, just leave me alone. Please. Isn’t Renée wondering where you are?”

“I broke up with Renée tonight.”

“What?” Her eyes flew to meet his at this revelation.

“I broke up with Renee. After the party. I followed her home and we talked. I was finally honest with her, and with myself, and told her I didn’t see a future with her. It was tough, but it was the right thing to do. I’m just sorry I hurt her. Sorry I let it go on so long when I knew I wasn’t really in love with her.”

“Why?” Her voice laced with shock.

Harm smiled to himself at her difficulty in getting out more than one word at a time. He realized that fate had thrown open a window of opportunity and he’d better jump through it. He paused to take a fortifying breath before answering, preparing for the most important closing argument of his life.

His voice rose with intensity, his gaze penetrating. “Because, Mac, when one stolen kiss has enough force to knock me off my feet, when a moment with you in my arms makes me feel something that I’ve never felt with any other woman, well, I just won’t settle for an imitation any longer. I can’t deny what I feel for you.”

Mac’s voice was tinged with panic as she pled, “Harm, stop. We have to let this go and get past it.”

“Why, Mac? A few hours ago you were the one pushing me to admit my feelings. Well, Marine, you’re getting what you asked for. Because,” Harm smiled wryly, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Mic had it right.”

“About people being in love with me? We’ve already covered that ground.”

“Well, that, too. But you said that Mic went after what he wanted and he got it. You know, I have always done that - gone after what I wanted. Except once. And that one thing – that person – was you. It’s true that what I want most is to never lose you. I think that’s why I couldn’t take a chance. It was too big of a risk – I was afraid of messing up what I knew would be the most important step I’d ever take and I’d lose you completely. I always thought there would be time to get things right, Mac. That the stars would align or the Fates would intervene and we’d both just come together. But you know what? I came to the realization tonight that I can’t sit back any longer and wait for that to happen. I’m going after what – and who – I want.”

Bitterly she asked, “Why now, Harm? Why are you suddenly ready when a few hours ago you were toasting my engagement to Mic?”

“I guess, Mac, I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight. It really sunk in that I had blown it and I was going to lose you. Call it denial, but I think subconsciously I always thought you’d never go through with marrying Brumby. That the whole ‘fate’ thing would somehow work out. And, you know, maybe it has – we’re both here, right now – and you still only have one ring on that hand.”

“You know, Harm, I think it’s just that you don’t want anyone else to have me. But if I were available you’d only back off again. I’m so sick of that jealousy crap. ”

Mac jumped at the forcefulness of his reply. “Yeah, I’ve been jealous. Jealous of every man who had you who wasn’t me, but I’m not taking the biggest risk of my life because of jealousy, Mac. I’m doing it because tonight I got a little taste of what it would be like to have you in my arms; a glimpse of the passion we’d create making love. Because I realized I want, and need, more than just a taste. I want a lifetime. Because all of that - the fear of losing you, the thought of what we could have together – gave me the backbone I should have had months ago. Because I love you, Sarah MacKenzie. I am in love with you. And I’m ready to let go of whatever I need to - as long as I have you to hold on to.” His voice softened at the end of his fervid declaration, which only served to strengthen the conviction with which he spoke.

But Mac wasn’t persuaded. “So, now that you happen to be ready to let go, to declare ‘your love’, I’m supposed to just leap into your arms? Tell Mic sorry, but I got a better offer?”

He flashed her a grin, “Well, that would work for me.”

“This isn’t a joke!” Anger flashed in her eyes as her voice rose, seeming to echo throughout the night’s stillness.

His smile faded, but not his resolve. “I’ve never been more serious. And I’m serious when I say I love you, Mac, and if by some chance you feel the same we should talk about us…”

The anger in her eyes was gone, replaced by a swirl of anguish, distress, and fear. “It’s just not that easy, Harm.”

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”

“Harm, don’t you get it? I am marrying Mic in two weeks! I have the dress, the church is booked, invitations sent out. More importantly, I’ve made a commitment to Mic. We can be happy together.” Those last few words rang hollow to her own ears even as she said them.

“Are you happy now, Mac – with Brumby? If you are, I don’t think you’d be here tonight.”

“Mic loves me and…”

“Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once. I think I can do it again - if I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. Don’t you dare settle! I just want you to be truly happy, Mac, to have a life filled with love. If you’ve found that with Mic then I’ll step aside and let you go.”

Mac was so confused and the agony she felt was evident in the words wrenched from her heart. “Harm, why are you doing this? Why do you have to make things so complicated? Just leave me alone. Please, Harm.”

He hated seeing her in such despair, her eyes filled with unshed tears, but he didn’t regret what he’d said – would never regret that. “I’m sorry, Mac. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll go. But before I do, I’m going to tell you what I see when I picture my life 30 or 40 years from now. You. You and me together. You’re the wife I picture growing old with as our love grows sweeter and richer and deeper. The children I dream of have your looks – maybe your brains, too. A brown-eyed little girl with long dark hair who has her daddy wrapped around her finger because she reminds him so much of her mom. A daughter who’ll never be able to pull one over on me because her mouth will do that funny little upturn thing when she’s hiding something. I see a little boy who will be the envy of every kid in school because he’ll have his own collection of dinosaur bones. A son with the strength and tenacity of his Marine mother, but who’ll also be tender and compassionate just like her.

“And when we are old we’ll bounce grandchildren on our knees during the day and hold each other at night. And I’ll never figure out how you do that time thing and you’ll never learn to like my meatless meatloaf. We’ll fight and we’ll make up – and we’ll do both passionately. We’ll banter and tease and compete and I’ll never get the last word because you’ll always have a comeback. We’ll spend our years together making a life and making love. That is what I see. But if that’s not your dream, then go to Mic. Have a bunch of Aussie babies with him and have a happy life. Just please be happy.”

In a gesture that was becoming familiar to both of them, Harm’s hand cupped Mac’s face, strong fingers gently wiped away the tears that had overflowed her eyes and were now streaming down her cheeks. Instinctively, she leaned into the tender caress as he whispered, “I love you, Mac. I always will.”

Then as his fingers slid back to entwine within her hair, his mouth descended to hers. She didn’t back away; God help her, she couldn’t. Stood frozen as she anticipated the onslaught of passion that had erupted when they’d kissed earlier. But this time his lips didn’t demand the heated response that so willingly rose before, his tongue did not seek entrance to taste and be tasted. Instead this kiss, the pressure of his mouth light upon hers, was slow and tender, achingly sweet. A declaration of a love that was true and eternal. And once again she was kissed as she had never been before and felt an emotion that was new and stunning and powerful.

And before she could process what had just taken place, before her eyes had slowly fluttered open, he was gone.

The loss propelled her into action. “Harm! Wait.”

He turned to face her, hope warring with despair.

Screwing up her courage she asked, “What if my dream is the same as yours? What if I just thought I could never have it?”

“What if you could?”

He had stepped out on a limb earlier. Now it was her turn. “Well, then, I guess I’d have to tell Mic that I’m sorry, but I got a better offer. It wouldn’t be easy. In fact it would be really hard.”

“You’d do that?” His voice rose with incredulity. He hardly dared hope.

“For a chance at a dream? Yeah. Because the dream I gave up on in Sydney Harbor was of you.” She repeated his words to him, “I wanted all of you, forever, you and me, every day. So if you’re telling me I can have that…”

“I am.”

“Then I have to tell Mic that I don’t love him as he deserves to be loved, because I have been in love with my partner for years. And even though I tried to stop, I know I never will. I love you, Harm.”

Before the words traveled the slight space between them, she was in his arms and he was kissing her. Or she was kissing him. Neither was sure of the order of things. They only knew that the overwhelming happiness bubbling up inside was nothing they’d experienced before. Breathlessly they broke apart, but this time they were assured that the kiss they just shared wouldn’t be the last.

Reluctantly Harm took a step back, swallowing hard before he was able to speak. “We need to stop for now. You have some unfinished business.”

“You’re right, I do.” They both sobered at the thought as she twisted the ring around her finger. “I guess we’ll both be hurting someone tonight.”

“Don’t dwell on it, Mac. We could have saved ourselves, and others, a lot of pain. But the important thing is we’re finally getting it right. Now, I have a little unfinished business of my own.”

Pulling her to stand beside him, he took her hand in his and together they reached out to trace the familiar name. “Hey, Dad, I’d like to introduce you to Sarah MacKenzie, the woman I love…”

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Replies:

[> Re: FF: In the Night’s Stillness -- Marianne, 20:42:53 04/24/09 Fri [1]

You know what would be totally cool? Since Mac asked Harm Snr. for help, his thoughts (from heaven or the afterlife) about what just happened between Harm Jnr. and Mac in front of his name on the Wall.

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[> Excellent story! This makes much more sense than what we actually saw. Oh, if only...! -- SammiSue, 20:48:25 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> I like Marianne's idea. Great story -- . . . - - - . . ., 21:25:56 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> Beautiful...wonderfully written. I could have seen this happening...if only. -- BlueJay, 21:34:48 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> Great characterizations! Why I swear I could "hear" the dialogue between these two! -- loti, 21:45:30 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> Simply beautiful !!!!! This would have been a wonderful ending to the Harm/Renee--Mic/Mac saga. -- bama, 21:55:55 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> In my mind's eye the epilogue is the wedding ......in front of Harm Snr, at the Wall. -- Enjoying 'virtual eps' - much better than what got filmed!, 22:04:36 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> I loved it! I wish we got to see something like this. -- cd, 22:49:32 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> Wonderful! I love that this took place at the National Mall. That is my favorite place in DCm and you are so right. Each name on The Wall has a story. -- Mandy, 23:18:31 04/24/09 Fri [1]

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[> This was beautiful...job well done. -- tamk3, 00:14:11 04/25/09 Sat [1]

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[> What a great use of such lovely challenge lines! I truly enjoyed reading this. -- Ella, 01:20:30 04/25/09 Sat [1]

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[> This was absolutely wonderful.....we wish!!!! Thank you!! -- JagfanNat, 05:54:25 04/25/09 Sat [1]

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[> Beautiful. I loved the descriptions, it brought the scenes to life and set the stage for the touching ending -- BZB, 10:58:03 04/25/09 Sat [1]

Don't know who wrote it, but t'was done with distinct talent.

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[> Nice story. Challenge lines are incorporated seamless and flow very well -- SP, 11:38:27 04/25/09 Sat [1]

Harm comes across as very strong & decisive, which was a nice change from canon! Just wish Mac was given the same advantage.

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[> BRAVO! This was perfect! Can't think of a way to make it stronger, more full of feeling. Loved it! -- Jill, 13:00:29 04/25/09 Sat [1]

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[> Wonderful!!! -- CAZ, 13:35:01 04/25/09 Sat [1]

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[> Wow just AWESOME this ficathon has been a joy Thank you to all you talented writers for bringing such joy to your readers and taking the time out to write for us bless you all. -- Bev uk, 15:24:27 04/25/09 Sat [1]

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[> This was perfect -- it could've been this way and this was beautifully written. Thanks! -- mj, 14:10:21 04/26/09 Sun [1]

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[> This was wonderful! If only... -- JAG Junkie (Ronda), 00:03:25 04/28/09 Tue [1]

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