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Date Posted: 18:59:27 06/20/08 Fri
Author: .
Subject: If You Ever


Prompt: “And if you ever decided to leave me, I would go and find you, and bring you home because you would be wrong.” from Mad About You submitted by Erk.

Word count: Approximately 5300

Category: Drama/Romance

Rating: Mild

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of CBS, Bellasario Productions and JAG. The use of these characters is for entertainment only and no profit will be made from their use.

Summary: The marriage was a year ago. The operation two months ago. The question is: should Harm be tied to a woman that can’t bear his children? Harm worries that he’s losing Mac.


********************


Sarah Mackenzie Rabb walked along the beach near her west coast home without realizing that her husband was on the deck of their home watching her make her way through the sand.

Above the beach on the cliffs several homes regally perched overlooking the shore. The sun shone. Its warm rays glistened off the water below the cliffs.

The sun’s radiance cloaked his head and shoulders but didn’t warm him. A chill settled in his soul as he watched her walking away from him negating the warmth of the sun.

They had been married only a year, but she had been his partner and the love of his life for nearly the nine years before they decided to marry. It took almost a year of cross country flights before conditions allowed them to be together. Finally a captain’s position had opened that was right for Harm in San Diego. The wasted year while he had been in London and she had been on the west coast was coming back to haunt them now.

It had been two months since the operation that had stolen their dream of making a child together. Physically the doctor told them that she was healing nicely. Mentally however was another story. While she appeared to be getting on with life to the casual observer, Harm knew differently. Something was wrong. Mac barely spoke to him when they were alone. When she did it was limited to ‘Pass the salt and pepper” or “Did you feed the dog?”

Harm felt his throat tighten again as he watched her walking away from him down the beach as she had been doing every evening this past month. Each night she went further and was gone longer. She had moved out of their bedroom four weeks ago when the doctor had said they could resume intimacy. Harm had let her, trying to give her space, but he had continued to try and coax her back to him a little at a time. He didn’t want to crowd her, but it was killing him to see her like this.

He wasn’t insensitive. He grieved for the children they’d never have as well. However, he had started looking into other options so that they could still raise children together. They had done well as a team with Mattie during some difficult years, and he knew they both had the capacity to love a child that wasn’t born to them. Mattie and Chloe were evidence of that.

Until Mac worked through whatever it was she needed to work through however, the option of adopting or doing foster care was not on the table for discussion. The doctor had advised him to give his wife time and space and not to pressure her until she was ready. He had listened and was doing just that, while dying a little more each day as she pulled further and further away from him.

Down the shore, Mac was now a tiny dot just rounding the bend on the shore and walking out of sight. This was the worst time for Harm. He couldn’t even watch to make sure she was safe.

Mac continued to walk along the coast, her eyes set on the mansion on the cliffs still a long way ahead of her. Each night she had walked toward that mansion thinking about her options and what was fair to her husband.

She loved Harmon Rabb Junior more today than when she married him. She admitted that setting him free to find a woman who could bear him children seemed the right thing to do, but she didn’t think she could do that. She'd loved him way too much and from afar for too many years. She also knew that he loved her too much for too long that he wouldn’t look at another woman even if she set him free. She had set him free once before, and he had come back to her. She wondered if that was what he was doing for her now.

She had been distant and uncommunicative since her surgery. Yes, she was heart broken that she couldn’t bear his child for them to raise together. In her head, the pain she had endured before she had been rushed to emergency and then into surgery had become a child she had lost. She needed to grieve for the child she’d never have before she could move on.

Her walks turned into runs once she was out of sight of the house, like now. From a walk to a jog she made her way farther and farther down the beach toward the mansion on the hill. Two nights ago she had met Amalie. The young girl was pondering a momentous decision as well. Mac could see her now on the rock that had become their sofa for the last few nights as they talked.

“Hey Amalie. How was your day?” Mac greeted the teenager.

“Okay. I’ve been looking forward to talking to you tonight.”

“Me too.” Mac greeted, giving the girl a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“Big,” she grinned as she rubbed her protruding belly. “They told me they don’t think the doctor will let me continue my walks on the beach anymore, especially alone.”

“When do you see her?” Mac asked, disappointed that their talks would end so soon.

“Tomorrow. With my due date so soon, I need to make a decision about what I’m going to do.”

“Are you sure you want to give up your baby, Amalie?” Mac asked, her throat raw, holding back her tears.

“Yeah. I want to go home and be a teenager again. I want to go to dances and play sports and go to college. But I want my baby to have the right home.”

“And you don’t think the couples they brought to meet you are the right couples?” Mac asked.

“Right. They just don’t seem to love each other. My parents love one another and so do my grandparents. I just don’t see the same thing in the eyes of the couples they’ve introduced me to. I want my baby to have the love from its parents that I’ve had from mine.”

“You said that couples apply directly to the home and that the birth mothers get to pick out the new parents. Doesn’t that get complicated?” Mac asked.

“No...because they have to agree to the arrangements before they can meet the birth mothers.”

“Don’t the applicants say yes to anything to get their foot in the door?”

“Sometimes...but so far the arrangements are working for the couples that make it past our screening process. You sound like you’re interested?” Amalie astutely asked Mac.

“I might be. I haven’t told you why I take my walks, Amalie...I can’t have children, and my husband and I wanted children very much.”

“But Chloe and Mattie?”

“They weren’t ours. They belonged to someone else, and we helped them through rough patches until they could get on without us...but if ever they need us...we’ll be there.”

“Can I asked why you can’t have children?”

“Endometriosis. It got so bad they had to do emergency surgery. My twenty percent chance of having a baby is now zero. I’m in the grieving process for the child I can’t have.”

“That’s what one of the girls at the home went through when she lost one of her twins. She miscarried one, but is carrying the other to term. We’re due about a week apart. She has her adoptive parents picked. I don’t think it’s a good choice, but she’s happy.”

“That’s what counts, right?” Mac asked.

“No...what’s right for the baby is what counts.”

Mac thought about the fourteen year old's comments and knew the wisdom of her words.

“Mac, why don’t you and your husband come to the home and apply for a child?”

“You think we’d be good parents?”

“You, yes....your husband I haven’t met.”

“I see. I’ll talk to him about it.”

“Good. I need to go back.”

“Me too. Harm worries when I’m gone, especially when he can’t see me.”

“He loves you.”

“Yes he does. And I love him.”

“Talk to him, Mac. And thanks for listening.”

“You’re welcome. Thanks for helping me adjust to my loss.”

Amalie waved, and Mac turned back to home. She didn’t jog for long this time. She ran full out and let the laughter bubble up inside her. It was time to go talk to Harm and put the man out of his misery.

Harm saw Mac racing along the beach. His first thought was she was coming back. His next thought was, what’s wrong? He headed out to meet her, not running because the path to the beach was a bit tricky, but walking quickly. He reached the beach about the time Mac slowed to a walk, only he picked up his pace, running toward her. When he got to her, he swooped her into his arms and held her tight.

“You’re back,” was all he could say.

“Of course I’m back. What did you think I was doing?” Mac asked, putting a little space between them so she could look up into his face.

“Leaving me.”
“Harm, no. I’m not leaving. I know I’ve been distant lately. I had a lot to think about.”

“Were you thinking of leaving?”

“At one point it crossed my mind,” Mac admitted and then wished she hadn’t when she saw Harm’s face. She could tell it would have broken his heart. “But I decided not to.”

“And if you ever decided to leave me, I would go and find you, and bring you home because you would be wrong.” Harm left no doubt that he wanted, needed, and loved his wife when he swooped in to kiss her.

Mac kissed him back and then broke free telling him, “We do have to talk.”

“Okay...let’s go sit on the deck.”

Hand in hand they made the climb up the path and into their house. They had bought the one his mother and Frank had lived in for years, when they decided to retire and down-size. Now they owned a smaller home on the golf course and near her antique shop in La Jolla. They were close enough to visit often and did.

Harm and Mac sat on the patio with their water and Mac started.

“Harm I know that you’ve been suffering in silence along with me since our dream was cut away,” she held up a hand to silence him as she spoke. “I will admit that my walks on the beach started as a way to deal with everything. Later they became a time to do some soul searching. I did think about if it was fair for you to not have a child that was biologically yours...but I couldn’t leave you and knew you wouldn’t look at another woman anyway. I’ve waited so long to have you that I can’t give you up. I also know that we can love a child that isn’t our own.”

“I agree.”

“Hear me out, please...then you can say what you want and I’ll listen to you.” Harm nodded and she continued. “I’ve thought about surrogacy, but couldn’t think of anyone that would be a likely candidate. I thought about adoption, but most agencies have age requirements, and I’m in an iffy zone now with them. They I thought about private adoption, but you have to be careful with those too. Then I met Amalie.”

“Amalie?”

“Yes. She’s fourteen years old. She’s living at the teen home in that mansion down the beach.”

“That’s where you’ve been going?”

“Yes...well that’s where I was heading when I met Amalie on the beach. She’s eight months pregnant and hasn’t chosen birth parents yet. She says that she doesn’t see the love in their eyes for one another that she sees in her parents and in her grandparents. She needs to meet us Harm. I think we love each other like that. People said they knew we loved each other before we did...or at least admitted we did.” Mac smiled. “Will you go with me and apply to adopt a baby through the home?”

“You know I will.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and we’ll be good parents. It’s always been about us being parents together and sharing our love with a child, Mac.”

“I know. It’s just I want that Harmon Rabb gene passed on I guess.”

“Hey think of it this way...if I had a son, he’d be a lot like me...and you always said one Harmon Rabb in your life was enough.”

“Right. Let’s go now Harm.”

So they did. They called the Teen Home and made an appointment for that evening. They picked up paperwork to complete. Harm worked on it while Mac moved her things back into their bedroom. She needed to make a space for a nursery if this worked out.

The next morning, Mac dropped the paperwork off at the home before heading into her office. At one o’clock she got a call asking them to meet with some potential birth mothers that evening. After confirming with Harm, she called them back to say they’d be there.

“Mac relax,” Harm chuckled as Mac smoothed her skirt for the hundredth time since they were shown into the reception room at the home. They had seen several pregnant teenagers coming and going. Each offered them something or checked to see if they needed anything. Twenty minutes later, Amalie came in with a smile.

“Amalie! Harm this is Amalie, the young lady I told you about. Amalie, my husband, Harmon Rabb Junior.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Rabb.”

“It’s Captain Rabb,” Mac corrected her.

“Just call me Harm,” he interceded as he shook the girl's hand while wrapping his arm around Mac’s shoulder.

“Amalie, they called us for an interview, but we’ve just been waiting and waiting.”

“Yes, I know. And you have been interviewed and watched. That’s what all the girls were doing that wandered through. I just got back from a doctor’s appointment or I’d have been here sooner. Normally I’d sit and talk before I made my decision, but I know you Mac...and I can see what’s been missing from the other couples when I look at you. You two love each other and know how to work together even when things get tough. If you want, I’d love to have you adopt my baby.”

“Are you sure, Amalie?” Mac asked, taking the girl's hand.

“Yes. I feel that you’ll keep me informed of the baby’s progress and be the kind of parents that I want my baby to have...firm but loving.” Amalie hugged them both.

They sat and talked nearly an hour before Amalie announced that she had to go. She walked Harm and Mac to the door. “Someone will call you and set up the formal paperwork. Do you want to know what the baby is?”

“Do you know?” Mac asked.

“Yes...we could finally see on today’s ultrasound.”

After glancing at Harm and reading his face, Mac nodded. “Yes.”

“It’s a girl. Go ahead and choose a name. I’ll make sure you’re on my contact form so that when I go into labor you’ll be notified.”

Later in the guest bedroom, Harm and Mac sat on the hardwood floor discussing the nursery, looking at the grainy photo Amalie had handed them before they left the home.

“What if we leave the walls this soft cream color, then add a pale pink carpet and curtains?” Mac asked, knowing that they would have little time to prepare for their daughter.

“No themes for the baby room like Harriet and Bud?”

“Not until the baby is older. I want a pretty, soft, loving warm room for our baby to sleep in.”

“Then that’s what we’ll have. Any ideas on names?” Harm asked, knowing he wanted to name the baby Sarah after his grandmother and Mac, but wanting to hear Mac’s ideas as well.

“How about Amalie after her birth mother?” Mac suggested.

“I like the name...but I thought we should name her after my grandmother and you.”

“Sarah?”

“I’ll have to think about it,” Mac commented not sure she like the idea of her daughter having the same name she had. However, she opted to keep an open mind and ponder the idea longer before making a ruling.

The next few days were spent signing papers, shopping for baby things, announcing to family and friends about their daughter’s impending birth.

It had been a particularly trying day for both Harm and Mac at work. With Memorial Day upon them, they were doing double duty for parades, honor guards, baseball, and news reports. In their spare time they were preparing for their new baby. They were both exhausted from not sleeping, and shopping. They had just turned in at midnight, when the phone rang.

“Captain Rabb?” the voice asked at his grumpy hello.

“Yes.”

“This is Helen from the Teen Home. Amalie is in labor and is leaving for the hospital. She said to call you to let you know the baby is on the way.”

“Thank you! Mac!” Harm bellowed as he hung up the phone and leaped out of bed. “Amalie’s in labor!”

“Settle down, Harm. I heard the phone. Get dressed so we can be there.”

Mac was the voice of calm reason as she laughed at her rattled husband while they quickly dressed and packed a bag for the baby. They had been told that if the baby was doing well a few hours after the birth they could take her home. They had the car seat and clothes packed and ready to go when Mac stopped and put her arms around Harm.

“What’s wrong Mac?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to hold you and for you to hold me for a minute. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Thank you for being so good about everything.”

“You're welcome. You know I’ll be here if you ever need me for anything.”

“I know. And you’ll be there for our daughter too.”

“Yes I will...if you’ll let me.”

“All right...enough with the Hallmark moment I guess...let’s go meet our daughter.”

“Have you thought of a name yet?”

Mac whispered something into Harm’s ear which made him smile. “I like it.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

Ten hours later the nurse laid the six pound baby girl with dark brown hair into Mac’s arms.

“She’s about as perfect as they come and born on Memorial Day,” the nurse smiled.

Harm wrapped his long arms around Mac and his new daughter as he gazed at the wiggly creature Mac held and his heart already embraced.

From the delivery room bed, Amalie watched her daughter placed in the arms of the couple that would raise her and love her as their own. Amalie felt good about her decision. Hormones made her a bit emotional, but the doctors had prepared her for that. She knew she had made the right choice. Together Mac and Harm looked up from the baby they held to her. They moved as a unit toward her, their eyes holding hers.

“Thank you,” Harm stated simply.

“We’ve named her Sarah-Amalie and will call her Malie for short like your Gram does you.”

“That’s nice. Thank you.” Amalie fought back a yawn. “I’m tired now. Enjoy her and love her. I know I picked the right people for her parents.”

“Will you go back home now?” Mac asked.

“In a few weeks when I get cleared to lead a normal life again and have gotten rid of the baby fat. It will also tie in with the end of the school year, so no one will think it odd that I’m home for the summer.”

“Good luck, Amalie. I promise we’ll keep you updated.”

“Remember, you need to give me three months before the first contact.”

“We will...thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

Harm and Mac watched them move Amalie to recovery while another nurse took the baby away from them once again to check the baby’s vitals. Once she was done, the doctor came in and examined the baby, signing the discharge papers and making the first follow up appointment for them for the baby.

Dressing their new little girl for the first time was almost as thrilling as watching her be born. Settled into the carrier, Harm carried the sleeping baby while Mac carried the gift pack. They were going home ready to start their life as a family of three.

The End

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Replies:

[> Very sweet. -- Katiegirl, 19:46:30 06/20/08 Fri [1]


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[> Very sweet and sentimental. -- pkb, 21:44:37 06/20/08 Fri [1]


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[> What a lovely ending and beginning! -- judy52sa, 22:35:08 06/20/08 Fri [1]


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[> My first day back from vacation and the first story I read was one of my prompts!! Woo hoo! Great job, thank you! -- Erk, 23:39:28 06/20/08 Fri [1]


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[> Guess fate intervened again in its own way. Glad things worked out in the story! -- Teacup, 01:41:33 06/21/08 Sat [1]


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[> A gentle and heart-warming story...well done! -- Achillea, 12:48:30 06/21/08 Sat [1]


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[> What a wonderful story! -- JAG Junkie (Ronda), 19:15:30 06/21/08 Sat [1]


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[> Aw a lovely story. -- Bev uk, 15:31:31 06/23/08 Mon [1]


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[> This was very good! I would love to see a sequel of sorts to this. Good Job! -- Deborah Brady, 22:38:05 06/27/08 Fri [1]


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