| Subject: Re: Patchwork families |
Author:
Uwe
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Date Posted: 02:18:23 04/29/18 Sun
In reply to:
Kayla
's message, "Re: Patchwork families" on 02:19:58 04/28/18 Sat
Thanks, Kayla, for the added information and my compliment for your philosophy: That is the most important point young parents have to learn when they start spanking their kids: Spanking should not only be a negative thing for the past (pain as a "revenge" for misbehaviour) but a positive item for the future to create what you mentioned: endurance (which also means self-discipline) and self-confidence which are the two sides of the same coin. The child gains toughness and that gives him/her self-confidence. When I think back to the times when I was a coach for parents and single moms who were interested in discipline based parenting and the introduction of maintenance spanking I cannot really remember a similar case. But yours is interesting because you need skills and tools to unify two different systems of family to one system. I have some ideas how that could work but I think this board is not the right place to give a summary. Only this: Two of the most important tools will be explanations (in the words of the children) and the introduction of common rituals (not only for the spankings). Your own daughter will probably play an important role in this because she is already a bit tougher than the children of your boyfriend and should be an example for them.
If you are interested in my strategical and conceptual ideas and suggestions in this case (they would take too much space here) feel free to write me an Email. All the best to you and your new family. Uwe
>Hi again and thanks for both comments. For sure, my
>boyfriend's the one who would have to explain the
>change and it can only ever work if he'll have my back
>on this. He's optimistic about it, but he doesn't have
>actual experience with spanking (or even getting
>spanked), so my advice is important to him and I still
>feel unsure. I'm not at all saying that 10/11 is too
>old to get spanked, just that it might be too old to
>start getting spanked. When it comes to explaining
>such a change, I agree that the fairness aspect is
>something that kids will instantly grasp, but from
>their point of view the easier solution to that would
>be to stop spanking my own daughter. Briefly the extra
>info that Uwe asked for: my daughter is 9, she gets it
>about 2 or 3 times a month, I use only the slipper,
>but I use it hard and fast, so we are not just talking
>about some light swats. The aim is to teach her
>obedience and responsibility, but also endurance and
>the self-confidence that comes with knowing you have
>it. I can already see signs of that in her and I worry
>it might go away if I stop spanking her already. I've
>seen my boyfriend's kids most weekends during the past
>five months, and I think they accept me, the girl
>openly, the boy hiding it behind a cool "whatever"
>attitude. Their mom died from complications during
>childbirth, so they don't really miss her in terms of
>conscious memories of her, but my impression is that
>they miss having a mom. They had nannies, but that's
>not the same, and having me around won't be the same
>either. They are both healthy and sensible kids.
>Anyway, I'd love to read more comments, also from moms
>who've been in similar situations.
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