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Date Posted: Wednesday, March 10, 02:50:26pm
In reply to:
Actor & Comedian
's message, "Archive: March 9, 1996 ~ 25 Years Ago ~ George Burns dies at 100" on Tuesday, March 09, 03:39:35pm
Burns' burns ...
All the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ...he's dead.''
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
I get a standing ovation just standing.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out -- and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
"Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works."
Say good night, Gracie.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
`I don't believe in dying...it's been done'
I'm the only Jew in the family. Because of Gracie, the two children were raised as Catholics and I've got seven Catholic grandchildren and five great-grandchildren. I used to eat fish every Friday, but always with my hat on."
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
"You know you might be getting old when your favorite section of the newspaper is '50 Years Ago Today'."
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
At my age flowers scare me.
"I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, 'Help! Help! Help!' so I said, 'Help? Help? Help?' And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned."
(on winning the Oscar)
"It couldn't have happened to an older guy."
"A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night."
"I'm really quite an authority on energy conservation. A man of my age doesn't get to be a man of my age unless he uses his energy wisely."
"There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone."
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
"Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles."
"If you stay in the business long enough, and if you get to be old enough, you get to be new again."
"I was brought up to respect my elders and now I don't have to respect anybody."
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . .or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
"Gracie's the kind of girl who shortens the cord on the electric iron to save electricity."
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
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