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Date Posted: 15:23:37 10/13/99 Wed
Author: "Smutman" Jack Leer
Subject: Crazy Train Bar and Grill
(Los Angeles, California)
(A drop of perspiration runs down the side of a Blatz Beer can, pooling on the off-white porcelain counter-top. Running a tiny river to the edge, past the mashed cigarette butts and torn condom wrappers. "Knocking on Heaven's Door" is playing somewhere in the distance, Axel Rose screeching the lyrics for everything he's worth. A man grunts quietly, and a hand that has know hard labor and even harder times wraps around the can, lifting it off the porcelain.)
(Dressed in blue jeans and a t-shirt reading "Sleazy Bob's Home For Wayward Girls" the man tilts his head back, finishing off the beer. He crushes the can in his hand and tosses it absent-mindedly into the urinal before him, and swaggers out of the filthy bathroom, pushing the door aside with a cowboy boot.)
(The sounds of the smoke-filled bar hits like a fist in the face. A rowdy crowd of beer drinkers and hell raisers shouting at the top of their lungs and waving their fists and plastic beer cups in the air. On stage in the center of the excited throng of factory workers, mechanics, bikers and second-shifters is a chesty red-head in a black leather mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and a tight fitting white shirt, swaying seductively to the music. She runs her hands over her chest and down her long legs, flipping her hair in a slow arc.)
(The man pushes his way through the crowd and climbs up on the stage, to the cheers of the crowd. Grabbing a microphone from a nearby stand he holds his hand above his head and smiles. The crowd gets no quieter.)
Jack Leer: Alright, alright. Sorry about keeping everybody waiting while I was in the can, but it looks like everyone was fully entertained during my absence. And now it's time for our last contestant tonight. That's right, I know you boys have been waiting for this! You crowned her champion here last year, and she's back to defend her title. Lets hear it for this fire-haired truckstop temptress, the lovely Lola!
(The crowd goes wild, spilling their beers and raising their fists in approval. Jack Leer picks up a garden hose off the side of the stage and grins.)
Jack Leer: You know what time it is, Lola, show us what you've got. Water please!
(The crowd goes absolutely nuts as Jack sprays last year's champion down with water, making her t-shirt transparent. Lola squeals and begins strutting around the stage, showing off her ample chest to the howling men in attendance.)
Jack Leer (Gesturing at Lola): And that, gentlemen, is why Lola has been featured five times in Leer Publishing's leading men's magazine, "White Trash Flash!" The luscious Lola hails from a Texas trailer park, just outside of Amarillo, and when it comes to southern hospitality, Lola would gladly give you the shirt off her back. Even if it was soaking wet!
Jack Leer: Sid, let's get the rest of the girls out here on stage, so these men can pick this year's White Trash Wet T-Shirt Champion!
(The rest of the evening's contestants return to the stage and eventually Lola is re-crowned the White Trash Wet T-Shirt Champion for a second year in a row. Jack Leer starts throwing out copies of the latest issues of Leer Publishing's "White Trash Flash" and "Trailer Parkin'.")
Jack Leer: The girls will be signing autographs after the show, so stick around and meet the girls of Leer Publishing. I'd like to thank my good friend Jim Cooper for having us back again this year here at the Crazy Train Bar and Grill. Buy a drink for these girls and don't forget to tip Mr. Cooper behind the bar when you do.
(Posing for snapshots with the girls and signing a few autographs, Jack Leer catches the bartender's eye, who nods knowingly. Making his way through the crowd Jack Leer sits down as a cold can of Blatz is placed on the bartop before him.)
Jim Cooper: Jack, you do the Crazy Train proud, bringing your girls here every year. And on my birthday, no less!
Jack Leer: Bad enough you got to work on your birthday Jimmy, I thought you could use something a little more interesting than the same old house band crap.
Jim Cooper: You're a good man, Jack. You mind if I turn on the tee-vee? Wrestling's on and I want to see what that retarded lumberjack Steve Black is going to say tonight.
Jack Leer (Lighting a Marlboro): Who am I to deny a man on his birthday?
(Jim turns on the television set over the bar, True Test of Skills Wrestling Federation is on. The scene is of El Toreador holding an up an American flag in the air.)
Jack Leer: Turn it up, Jimmy. I want to hear this.
TV: El Toreador: And this.
(Pulls out a lighter and creates a flame.)
Represents The Spanish Flame, that the Spanish and I believe in. Watch what happens when these two beliefs meet and have conflict!
Interviewer: Oh my God! He is burning the American flag!
(Toreador holds the American flag up in a blaze as the crowd goes crazy!)
Jim Cooper (Shocked): Whoa, did you see what that greasy Mexican just did?
Jack Leer (Taking a long, hard drag on his cigarette): Yes I did.
Jim Cooper: Damn Mexicans, sneaking over the boarder and taking our jobs is one thing, but when they start burning our damn flag! Somebody ought to teach that boy a little respect...
(Taking another pull on his smoke, Jack Leer rubs the back of his neck thoughtfully. He looks at the television and smiles, smoke wafting through his teeth.)