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Date Posted: 13:49:09 03/11/15 Wed
Author: Rez
Subject: Re: Hello to all
In reply to: nath 's message, "Re: Hello to all" on 13:14:24 03/11/15 Wed

Thanks Nath, you are so generous and kind :) This is ugly btw so skip if you're just wanting a nice, easy going day - I've never felt so ugly.
So where to start: I've always felt odd here as my early life was violent but not as bad in other ways as some others, but kindly you guys have always made me welcome which is a testament to you all. I still run my hands over scars and feel fury/rage/shame. A question I've so often asked is how much longer do I bury this? How long until it doesn't tear at me? When can I move on?
I've struggled over the years to cope well given my early years but felt as though I had been making significant progress the past few years. My outward life would appear impressive, and I can keep myself together to appear in tact, competent, professional. It's all a facade though, I drink myself to sleep every night; I dream of another life; I buried my "father" three weeks ago and all hell has broken loose in my mind - am I glad/relieved he is gone or am I mourning what I never had? I'm so confused and wondering if others have been similarly confused/crazed and left in limbo? When I was a kid I just wanted him dead, it seemed so simple - and now my dream has come true, but I'm defeated and torn and ashamed. I remember hatred all over his face and pain and humiliation but still this need to pay proper respects to my father". You think things are manageable and Then see whats in front Of You. I know it's not impossible to move through this but just need some help, you are all wonderful btw, sorry I'm such a downer.
Best,
Rez (so pathetic I can't even use my actual name)...

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