| Subject: Just bleeding here...that's all...don't worry |
Author:
aleXX
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Date Posted: 21:14:42 05/21/02 Tue
Author Host/IP: 208.norcross-03rh15rt.ga.dial-access.att.net/12.92.204.208
In reply to:
aleXX
's message, "Tuesday May 21, late at night" on 20:40:42 05/21/02 Tue
Beautiful jeNN
Our phone conversation was way too short. This new development scares me. I do understand why it has to be this way. So YOU won't get caught. I know. But, I just miss you so much. Maybe you're trying to put a firecracker up my ass to get it done on my end...so be it, it's being done! May take a little time though, (damn). Just talk to bird's sis tomorrow if you don't believe me. She got an earfull tonight. She kinda got in the middle of it and had to ask questions. Now she'll believe i'm an asshole. And of course, she'll have it all over the place by tomorrow night. The worst part is that because of my actions, others are probably going to feel sorry my bird! NOT FOR ME!!! Although i did make some good points. I even reminded her of how my bird treated her. Oh well, what can i do. Just keep on i guess. I pray it won't be too much longer.
I'm scared to think that this may be your way of working out (making up) with your bird and keeping me at a distance while you do it. I know this is "thinking" again...shit! I wasn't supposed to do that, sorry. Just ignore me sometimes. You have to realize though just how deeply i feel for you. Can you ever fully realize this, i ask myself. What more can i say? What different ways can i say it?
I am dying to see you again...I like knowing how you feel, what you think about, how your days are going. I guess i feel in some ways like i've been cut off, shut out. I know that's very selfish of me, i'm sorry. I know you've got to do what's best for you. I just hope there's gonna be something of you left for me. Please don't forget about me. I don't want to lose you. You are so special to me, I love YOU SOOOOO much!!!
Now, when next we talk you need to let me know what's going on with this NEW arrangement. What is it that you found out? What transgressions didn't you find out about that you needed to confront your bird with? What are you now allowed? Only CHAT stuff? What if i escape, will you be able to see me? blah, blah, blah,...i could go on but i won't bother you.
So, what do you think of the CDs i sent with you? Did you listen to them yet? What about the idea of a Texas gig? You know you told me when we played our first gig you'd hug my neck and won't care who sees it. I want that hug. Whatever i have to do to get you to hug me...I'LL DO IT!!! Your arms feel so perfect around my neck. I could just die when you hug me. I am in absolute heaven.
I have been in a terrible state today. Don't feel like i'm blaming you but, I feel abandoned. This new arrangement SEEMS more restrictive...sorry, i know, it's to protect yourself. I guess since i'm not in that situation there it feels a bit awkward to me. Listened to some music and cried a lot today. Actually, after talking to you, on the drive back to the house, i was listening to Eve's Plum and it all came out! I had to wait a while before i drove in so the red eyes wouldn't show. That made me quite angry today. I was a bit more aggressive about leaving today than usual. I'm just feeling so very alone and i want it over. I don't think she'll ever find these "clues" i've left on the computer. I left some more today. She just isn't curious! They are so obvious. The only way they could be more obvious is if i left it on the screen and walked away. Maybe i'll have to resort to this if nothing else works. However, she may not even do anything then. That's be the worst part. She'd stay AND get to think badly about me!
Goodnight! In my dreams i'm there. I'll get you dressed for bed, tuck you in, smother you in thick quilts, put my arm around you and tell you a soothing bedtime story. I'll kiss your forehead and wish you again, a good night! I love you my beautiful jeNN-GRRL. Sweet dreams...
I MISS YOU SO MUCH...I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!
love,...
aleXX
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