Author:
Emily Travers
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Date Posted: 06:43:40 01/14/26 Wed
It is old hat to claim that violence is 'done out of love'. But there is no such thing as 'tough love'; it is a contradiction in terms. Yet because there is also no such thing as socialization without violence, many people conflate the two. Raising children does involve setting boundaries and limits, and because parents develop bad conscience in imposing these upon the children they are supposed to love, deeply held rationalizations are the result. Even the half of parents who report never having wanted children, either in the first place or in hindsight, must find a way to manage their misgivings.
Now, that said, physical violence after about age 8 is both unnecessary and unethical, given that the synaptic development around this age allows children to distinguish reason in argument and consistently understand social boundaries. Even so, symbolic violence perdures long after this point, and can be evidenced in how some adult children still approach abusive parents with a craven cowardice. In maintaining a mental defense against the contradictions inherent in child-raising, these parents continue to abuse their adult children by refusing to confront their own iniquity.
None of this approaches the conception of love, which is always patient, gentle, compassionate, and fore-bearing. If anything, adult children who engage in rationalization are attempting to love their parents, in spite of the suffering meted out to them as young people. This is a choice, of course, but it too can be seen as based upon the wider social stigmatism associated with those who break with their parents. My general critique, as an ethicist, is that the conversation between parent and child bereft of all rationalization seldom occurs. Parents, in an ongoing defense of their objectively lapsed authority, hold fast to the sense that 'I did what was necessary; why should I apologize?', and children, for their part, let them get away with this in order to defuse tension. Both parties are in the wrong, and both abet one another.
I there are any real children posting on this thread, I urge you to confront your parents regarding their abuse, whatever the cost. You may find that this opens up a portal to a more mature relationship between you. If not, then this is the clearest evidence possible that any such relations between you and your parents are unhealthy and should be jettisoned in order for you to get on with your life.
Just as an aside, I get paid $250.00 USD an hour for third party consults, but I felt like I owed this thread something or other given my own fractious behavior on it in years past.
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