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>Yeah, I totally get what you mean. Some stuff just >becomes part of the routine after a while, even if it >still makes you embarrassed every time. The whole >"lecture" part is annoying while he talks. There’s >no hiding, and you just want it to be over because you >know whats coming next > >The idea that being kept kind of childish might be >part of the point, it really does make sense. It’s >like he doesn’t totally want me acting like an adult >yet. Not in a mean way, just in that quiet “I’m in >charge, you’re not” kind of way. The more I slip >into acting young or careless, the stricter he gets, >almost like that’s what he expects from me. Then if >I try to act older or take charge, he shuts it down >fast. It’s like he wants to keep things that way, >steady, predictable, with him in control. > >That’s what makes the whole diaper thing feel so >awkward, that’s easily the most embarrassing part >for me. You already feel small after everything, and >then getting taped into something made for toddlers >just kind of drives it home. It’s not painful or >anything, just emotionally rough. I remember the first >time he did it, I honestly didn’t know where to >look. You can’t pretend to be tough when you’re >standing there like that. After i've been sent to bed, >I usually just lie there quiet, hoping it’s morning >soon. By then, the sting’s usually not as bad and my >head’s clearer, but I still feel embarrassed for a >while after especially since ill probably get it the >night after too > >The swim team stuff can be rough too. Every now and >then, the marks show a bit past my speedo, and I can >tell a few of the guys have noticed. I usually say >they’re from training too hard but I’m pretty sure >no one buys that. My friend Joey’s the only one who >actually knows the truth. I told him after I noticed >he sometimes had marks too, and he didn’t laugh or >act weird about it at all. He just said everyone’s >got their own stuff to deal with. Honestly, that made >me feel a lot better just knowing someone else >actually gets it. > >Being on the swim team helps a lot, though. It’s >kind of my reset, It reminds me that I’m still >capable and confident in other parts of my life. Even >after a rough week, swimming clears my head. It’s >the one place where I feel good about myself. It’s >still really embarrassing sometimes, but having Joey >in my corner and having the pool as my escape both >make it easier to deal with.
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