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>Hey Jerry, > >I don't post regularly here because it seems like a >safe space for boys (and older men), and I don't want >to intrude. But I pop in occasionally to look around, >and you seem to keep tugging on my heartstrings. >First, I want to echo MattT. I'm sure everyone here >who knows you thinks very highly of you. You write >beautifully, are obviously quite smart, and pretty >self-aware for a teenager. I'm so sorry you've been >having a rough go of it, but please don't get too down >on yourself. > >Teenagers are a maelstrom of hormones with societal >pressures to act like an adult, without having the >autonomy of one, and chafing against the confines of >rules that adults don't have. In your case, you have >the added pressure of a depression diagnosis. I know >you said that your acting out wasn't related to the >worsening of your depression, but I'd like to >encourage you to give yourself a little bit of grace. >As someone who has dealt with depression for at least >30 years, I can tell you it doesn't always manifest in >the most obvious or logical ways. You can draw a >pretty straight line between being depressed and just >wanting to hide away from the world, and stay in bed >all day. But honestly, I don't think that picking an >unreasonable fight with your parents is much of a >stretch. I have had times when I was in a bad >headspace, when seeing someone happy, or even worse, >if they were trying to help me, would make me >irrationally angry, and I'd want to lash out at them. > >Having said all that, please don't think that I'm >trying to put words in your mouth, or that I'm trying >to tell you how you "really feel." THAT is absolutely >infuriating. You might be right. Your outburst may >have had nothing to do with your depression. You know >what you are feeling, and nobody has the right to >invalidate your feelings. I just know from experience >that when I'm really down, sometimes an outside >perspective can help interrupt the negative feedback >loop in my brain. So, cut yourself some slack. 🙂 > >Ok, I'm getting down off my soapbox, and moving on to >straight up sympathy. I'm sorry the altercation >happened, and I'm sorry you got such a bad spanking. >You say you deserved it, and whether that's true or >not, you still have my sympathy. And the tight pants >and bike-riding were just salt in the wound. > >Hang in there, and I hope you start feeling better >soon. > >💙 Ginger
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