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>Hi Carol, > >You just broke my heart with this story. I truly >empathize with the emotional turmoil you must have >felt. First there is the injustice of being punished >when you were trying your best to be good. Then there >was the bewildering realization that your mom was >going to spank you, even though she knew you hadn't >really done anything wrong, AND when she didn't even >want to do it! How horribly scary and confusing for >you. > >I'm guessing she was from the school of thought that >parents should appear infallible, and believed if she >went back on her promise to spank you, then she would >appear weak. So, she went ahead with the undeserved >punishment. If she didn't, then that was the same as >admitting she had been wrong. But her attempt to save >face, resulted in real damage to your own sense of >safety, and your trust in her. You mentioned that she >thought she had to be consistent to be a good mother. >There is some serious cognitive dissonance going on >when she doesn't realize that her dogmatic adherence >to "consistency" was actually hurting her child. > >I'm so sorry this happened. I think little children >have a pretty innate sense of fairness. (I faintly >remember seeing a documentary that included a study >that supported that idea.) It's bad enough when the >world is unfair just through happenstance, but >altogether worse when a parent does it for no good >reason. > >I didn't have quite the same situation, but something >did happen that felt very similar. When I was about >10 or 11, there was a big dance competition, and my >dance studio went for the first time. We had stayed >overnight at the hotel attached to a big convention >center, and first thing in the morning, my group was >gathered in the lobby, and my dance teacher was giving >us an itinerary of how the day would go. I was at the >edge of the group, and it was noisy, so I was trying >really hard to listen, and not miss anything. This >was made more difficult by my mom, standing on my >other side, who kept going on about how I needed to >listen and pay attention, because this information >was important. I was annoyed, because I WAS paying >attention, which I thought was pretty obvious. Also, >I desperately wanted to tell her that I would be able >to hear my teacher, if she would just SHUT UP. Of >course, I didn't say that. I didn't say anything. I >just kept my attention on my teacher and strained to >hear what she was saying. > >And then . . . WHAM. My mom slapped me across the >face - hard. I literally did not see it coming. >Everyone stopped and stared. My dance teacher appeared >shocked. After a rather heavy moment of silence, she >kept talking, and I kept trying to listen, now >fighting off tears of embarrassment and anger. I was >truly furious with my mom, and I knew I couldn't show >it. We were right next to an escalator that went down >to a lower level, and I immediately had an intrusive >thought that I should jump over the railing. Maybe >then she would regret hitting me. > >This brings up something that I noticed in your story. >You described being scared and confused, but you never >said you were angry at your mom. Was that ever part >of it for you? It certainly was for me. I was >seething on the inside. I was humiliated because she >slapped me in front of my entire dance troupe, and at >least some of them must have assumed I had deserved >it. I was livid at the unfairness of being punished >for actively trying to do the very thing she was going >on about. I was also mad, because this was now a >THING. There was tension, and it was going to ruin >the whole damn day. Now I had to go smile, and dance, >all the while knowing that she was pissed off, and I >would have to deal with whatever this was at the end >of the day. One of our dances actually won something. > In a workshop class, I got singled out from probably >30 people, because the choreographer wanted to point >out how I was finishing my moves and giving them >personality. And I couldn't enjoy any of it. I knew >she would still be angry. I was 50/50 scared of >getting a spanking that evening. In the end, she >didn't spank me, but it was weird and tense, and I was >walking on eggshells. I felt like trying to defend >myself would just backfire. Heck, I didn't even know >exactly what I would be defending myself about. My >assumption was that she thought I was ignoring her. >I don't really know because I never brought it up >again. > >In some ways I wish I had, but I felt like I could >never be critical of anything she did when I was >young. We were often in a very difficult situation >financially. I know it was really difficult being a >single mom, even moreso, considering that I now know >she had untreated bipolar disorder. And despite that, >she truly did the best she could, and that best was >actually pretty good, in most circumstances. Later in >life, she would have episodes where she would become >so tearful, and just apologize for being a terrible >mother. And then I would have to comfort her, and >tell her that she did a great job, especially >considering all the things stacked against her. Which >was mostly true. But I could never bring up things >that I would have liked to process, because it might >send her into a tizzy of (metaphorical) >self-flagellation. > >I'm sorry, I truly didn't mean to make this about me. > But your story really resonated with me. I commend >you for trying to talk to your mom about it, even if >she wouldn't/couldn't deal with it. You were braver >than I was. > >Hugs, Ginger

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