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>Very interesting read, Sonya, which confirms my >previous post. > >However to get back to the title of this thread about >developing a strong attachment to a punisher who was >not your parent I must say that I had such an >attachment to my stepsister who often spanked me when >she was in charge of me. She was given permission to >spank me, though by hand only, from when I was 11 to >13, nearly 14. She was four years older than me and >although at first I very much resented it I got to >sort of getting excited about it since she didn't >spank harsh like my parents and I had a good >relationship with her otherwise since she took good >care of me. >My reasons may have been different than what the >author of this thread related who just attached to her >for wanting a firm hand to control him. So there could >have been different reasons why some were attached >voluntarily to someone who spanked them. > > >>Hey hon. I've had three spankings in my life that I >>consider being abusive. I can say, I don't hate the >>two people that administered those spankings. >> >>Two were from my own Granny. She gave me a severe >>switching when I was six that left me with welts on my >>back, butt, front and backs of my legs and right arm, >>that lasted a few days because she said I was "sassing >>her" and the brutal spanking which included smacking >>my face twice when she caught me masturbating when I >>was seven. As a little girl, I didn't hate her, I >>actually loved her, but I was scared to death of her >>rages. Over the years at Momma and Aunt Connie's >>request along with that of the woman from her church >>who helps her out at home, she started seeing her >>doctor, who saw something about her that made her >>suggest seeing medical professionals concerning >>problems with sometimes violent mood swings. At first >>the doctors thought it might be the onset of dementia, >>but what they determined after working with her and >>interviewing family is something else. They diagnosed >>her with bi-polar disorder and PTSD. The abuse she >>suffered at the hands of her parents. Her parents, >>particularly her Preacher Daddy whipped her brutally >>even as an adult saying she was "controlled by >>demons". The violence of her mood swings would make >>you think she was possessed. But we know now what the >>matter was. With some time, therapy and medicine, she >>has improved considerably. As long as she takes her >>meds and she gets daily reminders from Momma and my >>Aunt as well as her caretaker, it's like she's a >>totally different person from the woman who abused me >>at six and seven. >> >>The Assistant Principal from Jr. High School who beat >>me beat my butt and lost his job over it. I can say I >>have strong feelings about him to this day. He is a >>man who seemed to take pride in beating children. I >>don't know of any situation where he had gone further >>than that, there were some allegations which proved to >>be false. But because of the physical abuse, he is not >>allowed to work with children. I've only seen him a >>few times since his termination from that job. The >>last time was during the holidays, I was shopping with >>Kayla and we ran into him. He tried to strike a >>conversation with me, but I didn't want to talk to >>him. I got angry, but was polite. He started asking >>questions about Kayla, "Is this your daughter?" and >>seeing the wedding rings on both our fingers, he tried >>to ask about our families. I stopped him and said, >>"Look here, I really don't want to talk to you and you >>know why." Then said, "I don't hate you and I forgive >>you for what you did to me, but I will never forget >>it." Then we walked away. I started crying as we >>walked away and Kayla and I cut our shopping short and >>went to a quiet restaurant so we could talk. I told >>her about the incident with him. I learned over time, >>that cuts and bruises heal, broken bones mend, and >>even physical scars fade with time, but emotional >>scars are forever. >> >>On the other time, there was once incident when I told >>Momma I hated her. I had overheard a teen girl who >>was angry because things weren't going the way she >>wanted them to and she screamed at her momma in public >>telling her she hated her. It made me think back to >>when I was that girl's age, about thirteen. I had >>gotten in trouble and Momma gave me a spanking, I was >>angry over it and while I was crying and carrying on, >>I yelled, "I hate you!" she stopped mid spank and the >>room went silent. My brother, sister and Daddy all >>just stared at me in shock. Momma let me up off her >>lap. She also had a shocked look on her face and tears >>welling up in her eyes. The look on her face was a >>look of pain that I've never forgotten. I cry whenever >>I think about it, even today. I stood there with my >>panties still down afraid to move thinking she was >>really gonna let me have it. But she just looked at me >>and quietly said, "Sonya Marie, go to your room, now". >>I looked Sammy, Troy and Daddy and then back at her >>and said, "Momma?" Again she said, Please go" so I >>pulled my panties and pants up and walked back to my >>room. I sat in my room, in the dark just staring out >>the window. I couldn't believe what I said to her and >>couldn't get that look she had on her face out of my >>mind. What seemed like hours later even though it was >>only about twenty or thirty minutes, there was a knock >>at my door. I was startled by it and said, "Yes?" >>Daddy asked if he could come in. I told him to come in >>and expected him to really beat my butt good. But that >>didn't happen. He never raised his voice either. He >>sat on the bed beside me and started talking with me. >>He told me how bad I'd hurt her when I told her I >>hated her. Then went on to tell me about some of what >>she went through at home. About getting really sick >>and nearly died not long after they got married. About >>the first two pregnancies ending in miscarriages and >>how scared she was when she got pregnant with me. It >>was a difficult pregnancy and I was a month early, But >>she considered me to be a Miracle. Then after talking >>to me for a while he asked, "do you really hate your >>Momma Baby Girl?" I burst into tears and said, No and >>kept apologizing. He held me in his arms until I >>started to calm down. Then he said, "I'm not the one >>you need to apologize to Baby Girl. She's in the >>living room and she needs you. I stood up and dried my >>eyes. Then he hugged me and I told him I was ready. >>We went into the Living Room. Daddy walked over to >>Troy and Sammy and said, "Hey let's go to the kitchen >>and get a snack, Momma and Sonya need a minute to >>talk." I stood in front of her for a few moments in >>silence, I could see she had been crying and I finally >>said, "Momma I'm so sorry than sat down on her lap >>hugging her and crying." I kept apologizing for what I >>said telling her I loved her and she held me tight >>telling me over and over, It's ok baby, and kissing me >>telling me she loves me. Even now, twenty-five years >>later, I still cry and feel guilty when I think about >>that day. I never said, those words to her or anybody >>else for that matter again.

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