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>Hey hon. I've had three spankings in my life that I >consider being abusive. I can say, I don't hate the >two people that administered those spankings. > >Two were from my own Granny. She gave me a severe >switching when I was six that left me with welts on my >back, butt, front and backs of my legs and right arm, >that lasted a few days because she said I was "sassing >her" and the brutal spanking which included smacking >my face twice when she caught me masturbating when I >was seven. As a little girl, I didn't hate her, I >actually loved her, but I was scared to death of her >rages. Over the years at Momma and Aunt Connie's >request along with that of the woman from her church >who helps her out at home, she started seeing her >doctor, who saw something about her that made her >suggest seeing medical professionals concerning >problems with sometimes violent mood swings. At first >the doctors thought it might be the onset of dementia, >but what they determined after working with her and >interviewing family is something else. They diagnosed >her with bi-polar disorder and PTSD. The abuse she >suffered at the hands of her parents. Her parents, >particularly her Preacher Daddy whipped her brutally >even as an adult saying she was "controlled by >demons". The violence of her mood swings would make >you think she was possessed. But we know now what the >matter was. With some time, therapy and medicine, she >has improved considerably. As long as she takes her >meds and she gets daily reminders from Momma and my >Aunt as well as her caretaker, it's like she's a >totally different person from the woman who abused me >at six and seven. > >The Assistant Principal from Jr. High School who beat >me beat my butt and lost his job over it. I can say I >have strong feelings about him to this day. He is a >man who seemed to take pride in beating children. I >don't know of any situation where he had gone further >than that, there were some allegations which proved to >be false. But because of the physical abuse, he is not >allowed to work with children. I've only seen him a >few times since his termination from that job. The >last time was during the holidays, I was shopping with >Kayla and we ran into him. He tried to strike a >conversation with me, but I didn't want to talk to >him. I got angry, but was polite. He started asking >questions about Kayla, "Is this your daughter?" and >seeing the wedding rings on both our fingers, he tried >to ask about our families. I stopped him and said, >"Look here, I really don't want to talk to you and you >know why." Then said, "I don't hate you and I forgive >you for what you did to me, but I will never forget >it." Then we walked away. I started crying as we >walked away and Kayla and I cut our shopping short and >went to a quiet restaurant so we could talk. I told >her about the incident with him. I learned over time, >that cuts and bruises heal, broken bones mend, and >even physical scars fade with time, but emotional >scars are forever. > >On the other time, there was once incident when I told >Momma I hated her. I had overheard a teen girl who >was angry because things weren't going the way she >wanted them to and she screamed at her momma in public >telling her she hated her. It made me think back to >when I was that girl's age, about thirteen. I had >gotten in trouble and Momma gave me a spanking, I was >angry over it and while I was crying and carrying on, >I yelled, "I hate you!" she stopped mid spank and the >room went silent. My brother, sister and Daddy all >just stared at me in shock. Momma let me up off her >lap. She also had a shocked look on her face and tears >welling up in her eyes. The look on her face was a >look of pain that I've never forgotten. I cry whenever >I think about it, even today. I stood there with my >panties still down afraid to move thinking she was >really gonna let me have it. But she just looked at me >and quietly said, "Sonya Marie, go to your room, now". >I looked Sammy, Troy and Daddy and then back at her >and said, "Momma?" Again she said, Please go" so I >pulled my panties and pants up and walked back to my >room. I sat in my room, in the dark just staring out >the window. I couldn't believe what I said to her and >couldn't get that look she had on her face out of my >mind. What seemed like hours later even though it was >only about twenty or thirty minutes, there was a knock >at my door. I was startled by it and said, "Yes?" >Daddy asked if he could come in. I told him to come in >and expected him to really beat my butt good. But that >didn't happen. He never raised his voice either. He >sat on the bed beside me and started talking with me. >He told me how bad I'd hurt her when I told her I >hated her. Then went on to tell me about some of what >she went through at home. About getting really sick >and nearly died not long after they got married. About >the first two pregnancies ending in miscarriages and >how scared she was when she got pregnant with me. It >was a difficult pregnancy and I was a month early, But >she considered me to be a Miracle. Then after talking >to me for a while he asked, "do you really hate your >Momma Baby Girl?" I burst into tears and said, No and >kept apologizing. He held me in his arms until I >started to calm down. Then he said, "I'm not the one >you need to apologize to Baby Girl. She's in the >living room and she needs you. I stood up and dried my >eyes. Then he hugged me and I told him I was ready. >We went into the Living Room. Daddy walked over to >Troy and Sammy and said, "Hey let's go to the kitchen >and get a snack, Momma and Sonya need a minute to >talk." I stood in front of her for a few moments in >silence, I could see she had been crying and I finally >said, "Momma I'm so sorry than sat down on her lap >hugging her and crying." I kept apologizing for what I >said telling her I loved her and she held me tight >telling me over and over, It's ok baby, and kissing me >telling me she loves me. Even now, twenty-five years >later, I still cry and feel guilty when I think about >that day. I never said, those words to her or anybody >else for that matter again.

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