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Date Posted: 15:11:10 03/23/02 Sat
Author: traumatized...
Subject: Do I move on or be understanding?

This is going to be a long story and I'll try to keep it short. My bf broke up with me a week ago. We met 3 year ago online but he had a gf of 1 yr at that time. He and I both felt an attraction toward each other, and he almost broke up with his then-gf because he felt guilty that he would have feeling for me. But, in the end, he picked his then-gf and it hurt me a lot, but then I wanted him to be happy so I stayed his friend, but didn't talk to him as much as we did and had to be careful when he talked about his then-gf; I tried not to be bother or jealous and just be his friend and stand by him.

It was extremely difficult for me to stay friends w/him, but I did my best to be there for him and tried to comfort him when he had problems with his then-gf. He used to email me super short emails once in a while, asking how i am and where i have been. It hurt me more than I realized. After a while, I was involved with a guy for a year and then broke it off a year ago.

Then, early August or so last year, his then-gf broke up w/him. He was really hurt because he was very devoted to her after all that. I found out about the break up from his friend, and then I talked to him to ask how he was doing. After he told me about the break up, we started to talk more to each other. Before you know it, feelings from before were discussed. he told me that while he was w/his exgf and while i was dating others, he missed me and was so jealous but he didn't say anything cuz he had no right to, ad he didn't want to hurt his exgf We finally thought about starting this relationship.

We made a mistake of not waiting until he was over his then-gf. I still had issues with her because I felt that he chose her over me (I guess now I think as he should), and I was just hurt and jealous. We got along great. He was was caring and sweet as I thought he would be. We started the relationship around Sept. or October, and he ended it last week, after a stupid stupid argument...

He was very insecure about the relationship, being an internet, long-distance, AND never met. He had problems with his exgf cuz he still couldn't figure out why she left him. But after a while, he said he was over her, and I believed him. I had my issues w/her but I was doing better, too, as he showed me how much I meant to him. We had frequent arguments - small petty arguements and it was mainly because of the unknown - that he was insecure with me cuz i have more guy friends than girl friends. We hurt each other a lot but then we always get back together soon after a fight.

We decided that it would be best in out situation for him to move to where I am. We worked on his resume so he can find a job. He looked for jobs in my area. He then a month ago bought tickets to come see me. It seemed like things were progressing and I was ecstatic and excited, despite our arguments. I was sure that all that was b/c of insecurity over long distance, and he was skeptical and worried about feeling such way for someone he has never met.

Then last week, we had one argument, and then we did one of our usual "break up".. and to my surprise, he came with back "my exgf emailed me thanking me for something i borrowed from her. i emailed her and i want to talk to her". He told me then that he is not over her. that the email made him feel that being with me was wrong, cuz he is not over her. He still want to know how could one person leave another after 3 years of relationship. He broke my heart. I couldn't believe what he was tellig me. After all the reassurance that he is over her, that she is nothing and I am the one he loved. He said he didn't talk to her while we were together because of me, that he knew i didn't like him talking to her, but now i "can't force him to not talk to her."

I am so confused. What happened??? Everything was fine. We are meeting in one month!!! He said the long distance has brought on such stress on him, and that he has decided that he doesn't wnat to move near me, cuz he has nothing here and it would be giving up his life for me, and he's not willing to do that for someone who he hasn't even met. I agreed w/him because it does sound logical, so I asked if he could wait until we meet in April, since the tickets have already been bought. He insists on wanting a "clean break" cuz he made a mistake in jumping into a relationship. He reassured me that he did and does have feelings for me, but he just isn't over his exgf, and until he is through w/that, he is not ready for a relationship with anyone. He said that he would keep an open mind in April, and see if he woudl really like me in person, but even then, he doesn't know how we can work on being together physically, since it would be VERY difficult."

So right now, he is waiting for his exgf to contact him. I asked him what he wants from her. He said he's not sure. He explained to me so many times and told me differnet things, but in reality, I REALLY think he is confused. He said he would give her another chance if she wants to get back together, but he would not pursue her. When I asked him why he would want her back, he said "because I don't have her." He is just a confused wreck. He told me that he is still attracted to me but he think we invested too much in too short of a time (which I understand because logically speaking, it is nuts to be talking about all the future and stuff b4 we even met). He insists on dealing with his issues first before he can start anything with me agian.

I am ok with that. I am willing to let him go through his issues and work on himself, but what I am having problem with is the exgf part. If he needs closure, I understand, but he seem to want to know what she wants, yet he says he doesn't remember her because the feeling are so distant. What I worry is if he really love her still. I told him that if he loves her, he should go back to her. In response, he said "how do I know if i love her?"

It SHATTERS my heart to see him so confused.. I feel like he might be commitment phobic, but I don't know. He told me that in a way I was a rebound because he wanted to move on with his life, but he was having problem with being abandoned. He said that he would not have done it with anyone else cuz I was special to him.

He wants to take time off to sort things for himself. I am down with that but does he have to talk to her? What will they talk about? He said he has no plan on getting back together with her, but then why does he need to talk to her? And he also said that even if they get back together, he would take things slow :( What the heck is he going through? he said breaking up with me has been really hard on him but he just feel like it won't work for us because of the cirucumstance. he wishes that i were local to him. He's sure that he would be with me (after he sorts himself and i am still available) if I were local; he hates this distance problem.

He's confused and I am confused. My question is, does anyone know what is going on? Was I really just a rebound? I don't know how because everything seemed so real and he won't deny that he still cares about me and he misses me, but he just feelt that he need to rid of his issues first before anything. But why does he have to talk to his exgf?? SHould I take it as it's really just he wants her back or that he just want to ask her questions? :( i m trying to be there for him again, but it doesn't even seem like he knows what he want.. :( This seems so unfair because I have had internet relationshps before and I would not do it again nor a long distance relationship, but I Feel that we get along so well, that we had such a good time and he just has been SO special to me.. What should I do? Is he worth it? Have I been played? Is he trying to have me as a back up??? I am SO confused!
HELP!!! :~(

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