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Date Posted: 08:17:47 02/21/02 Thu
Author: Sue Ellen
Subject:

Yes, but...
In reply to: Malcolm 's message, "Younger Man, Older Woman Relationships - Can it work?" on 22:42:42 02/18/02 Mon

Yes, younger man/older woman relationships can work. My future husband is 10 years younger than me, and he and I are perfect for each other. My family raised their eyebrows when I told them how old he was, but that was about the extent of their reaction. I think that they were more surprised that I'd met him online to start with. However, now that they realize that I'm terribly happy they're supportive, or as supportive as they can be without having met him yet.

That said, I have to say that we're one of the few exceptions. An older woman has much higher standards than a girl in her early 20s/late teens. We have the benefit of more life experience, so the bar is higher for men we meet. We know what behavior is acceptible and what we refuse to put up with. And the sad truth is that if the man is too young the bar is too high for him to reach.

Unfortunately, this puts the onus of responsibility on you as the significanly younger man. She should not have to lower her standards (as long as they're reasonable, of course), which means you have to rise to meet them. A friend of mine has just gone through this and learned the hard way that the younger man she loves isn't willing or able to try to make the effort.

It's not a matter of desire, it's a matter of ability. Everything might be all butterflies and rainbows in the beginning stages of new love, but then reality will rear its ugly head and you'll be expected to do a lot of things that you've probably never been required to do before. That's not your fault; it's just a difference in life experience.

I would say that you should proceed with caution. I don't mean to be so pessimistic about this, but when one partner is so young then age is a huge hurdle to be overcome. Listen to what Sheila's saying: Jay and I have wrestled with all of those questions and more. What makes us a success is that we've talked about them and remain open to honest, non-accusatory dialogue in the future.

The only ones who believe that love conquers all are those who still have their faith in the universe intact and uncracked.

Good luck, and may you make the decision that is right for you and your friend, whichever that decision may be.

Sue Ellen

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