Date Posted:04:42:24 04/12/02 Fri Author: kande Subject: NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (04/12/2002)
motto: Can't we all just get along?
TOP STORIES
Scully Marathon Underway
Several of Shipperville's residents are participating in this year's Scully Marathon. The event has barely begun, and already there is controversy, which peaked when Detoured took a bullet intended for Rabid.
"That's the bravest thing I've ever seen," said a clearly shaken Rabid.
"I'm ok!" said Detoured.
When asked to comment, Shipperville Mayor Kenamom replied, "I have no comment. But if I did, it would be to say that Scully is the bravest person EVER!"
Other Marathon participants ducked their heads and continued the discussion.
New Store To Open
Shipperville Mayor Kenamom announced this week that a new store will be opening. "There has recently been a strong demand for t-shirts," she said in a statement. "This new store will sell t-shirts for Shipperville University, Morono Comunitty Kollij, kande's klub, and other local landmarks. We are currently taking applications for manager. No prior business experience required."
Applications can be requested from the mayor's office. No deadline has been set, but the mayor has indicated that she intends to move quickly on this. In a recent press conference, she said, "Make no mistake. I meant what I said last week. We must open a t-shirt store post-haste!" To emphasize her comments, she used hard syllables and a chopping motion.
LOCAL STORIES
Detoured Sock Puppets?
Fans of Shipperville's intrepid superhero, the Eggnog Enforcer, have launched a campaign to create Detoured sock puppets to be sold at the soon-to-be-opened t-shirt shop. The group's leader said, "We strongly believe that this is something that is long overdue. Detoured has been the keeper of law and order in this town for as long as we can remember. This is a distinct honor that should be bestowed upon her."
When asked how she felt about the proposed sock puppet, Detoured ran screaming from the room. "PUPPETS!!! AIEEE!!" she screamed.
Asked why they chose a sock puppet instead of an action figure, the leader refused to comment.
KS Touted As Local Playwright
[editor's note: this is a paid advertisement and in no way, shape, or form reflects the opinion of this newspaper]
KS's most recent work of art, "Fowl Play," has become the latest rage for library patrons in southern Oregon. The play, an interactive mystery, raised several hundred dollars for the Friends of the Shady Cove Library.
"KS is a genius with a devious mind," several Friends were overheard to say.
"I never knew KS was such an artiste," marveled several of the Shipperville Assassin's real-life coworkers.
In a fit of jealous rage, KS's own sister was heard to say "Well, la-di-DA." Fortunately, this was counteracted by their father who firmly holds with his stand that KS remains his favorite daughter.
CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: Manager of t-shirt shop. Must be dedicated, cheerful, and willing to overcharge in order to pay taxes and bribes. Call 555-TEES for more info.
Lost: Seven white tube socks, some yarn, and a small box of buttons. Reward. If found, call 555-SOCK.
