NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (09/28/2001) -- X-Philes World-Shipperville

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Date Posted: 04:42:00 09/28/01 Fri
Author: kande
Subject: NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (09/28/2001)

motto: We will endure freedom if it's the last thing we do, gosh darnit!

TOP STORIES

Local Assassin Goes Missing
Kande's Sis, Shipperville's top assassin, is missing in the wake of the Mount Krycek lava flow. A tangle of yarn and a lump of molten lead were initially thought to be KS, but later tests proved the yarn to be DBTL and the lead to be, well, lead.

Town Co-Sheriff Stardoe is leading a search party, consisting of herself and town fanfic fave Islandgirl. "I expect we'll be successful," said a confident Stardoe. "If not, we'll bring back something reasonably close to KS. You can take that to the bank!"

Kande's Sis's sister is reported to have given Stardoe and Islandgirl a pep talk prior to their departure. Sources claim her talk consisted of one request: "Bring back that damn Christmas list!"

LOCAL STORIES

School Reports Truancy Problems
Shipperville High School and Community College yesterday released a report detailing the extent of the system's truancy problem.

"When top students, such as DBTL, skip school in order to make money, we're clearly doing something wrong," said a school official who did not wish to be named. "Obviously, we need to start paying the students to come to school. I proposed this several years ago, but the idea was shot down by the mayor. The excuse was something about taking money from her pockets. But the time for excuses is over."

The mayor could not be reached for comment.

Tension At Local Blood Drive
Fisticuffs erupted at a Shipperville blood drive last week, as Crimson Cross workers refused to take blood from a resident alien/human hybrid. "We had 6 workers go down last week from some sort of gas that was emitted after poking the needle into some aliens and alien/human hybrids. We can't afford to lose any more workers!"

Local alien advocates say that's hogwash. In a statement released to the press, the advocates state that "[a]liens and alien/human hybrids need blood, too." The Crimson Cross official stood firm. "I thought they healed themselves."

The situation had not been resolved by press time.

CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: Caretaker for librarian with broken arm (which should be healed by now) and her sluglets. Pay negotiable. Call TAG-YER IT.

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Replies:

I feel so loved -- DBTL, 20:11:51 09/29/01 Sat