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Date Posted: 22:25:08 10/01/01 Mon
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 65.230.128.43
Subject: Re: my fears...
In reply to: Michele 's message, "Hey Friend" on 22:52:33 09/30/01 Sun

It's hard for me to see that quality that you see in me. I am just a survivor. I am weary of life. Maybe going to Florida will refresh me... I just feel sorry for myself today. Selfish of me.

I am thinking about how successful and wealthy everyone else I grew up with is. Some have families, a nice house and everything to live in comfort in this world. I feel cheated somehow. Never given the same opportunity as others have recieved. Yet I know that where there are many trials, the roots of one's wisdom grows deeper in the ground. Solomon was wise and wealthy. I wonder why God allows some people to suffer and others to live with a silver spoon. I have believed the one who suffers is the one who will one day lead others.

My calling in life is unclear. How is it that for some, they know what to take in college and have a plan throughout their lives and for me... a total state of confusion? I know my abilities and while I am financially sound... at 39 years of age, should I not know a firm direction in my life? Yet I am like a piece of driftwood floating down a surging river towards the sea of death. I feel totally uncertain where I will go... fearful of the unknown. Inside, I am like a child... still reeling from the past. I guess we die when we cease to be children inside. Yet kids don't worry about the future do they? They live under the innocent protection of their parents.

In some ways God is my paternal parent... though my future is stormy and uncertain... tommorrow the sun will shine and the fears may be put aside. I guess I should live for the moment and not fear tomorrow. I just hoped that by the time I am 40 I would have made something of my life. Anyone understand?

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