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Date Posted: 13:29:22 11/01/01 Thu
Author: gem
Author Host/IP: 166.102.71.121
Subject: Thanksgiving almost here

I usually get depressed over holidays, cause the old wallet is tight this year. Well I'm not going to worry over it, just do my best. It will be tight, this year, for sure, and sometimes, x-mas is too fast on its heels. But we will get thru this one way or another!!

I've been blue, this week, cause I feel like I don't fit in-anywhere, and its no one's fault.....I've had to think this thru, I don't know why...overwelming feelings make me feel like an alien!! I've posted this before I think? But its' wierd the feeligns never change, and I thought it's the outside....looking in.....at me (wrong)--I wonder if its' my insides....(looking out)--my feelings of rejection, since childhood, which deludes my brain into thinking (rejection )--is a way of life with me??

My husband says I go out of my way, to feel (and be)--rejected, no matter what the scenario? Maybe he see's something I can't see?? I have to think this thru and maybe, do some re-evaluating.....? You know?? Of late, I don't even feel married, I feel like, I'm just living with this guy, cause there's not much communication between of us, of late, these last few weeks ....its been all work --etc.....and when he sleeps, I'm up, and vice-versa...!! Pain, when you work at nights....you know?

I've got to shake myself up, and get myself into a clearer mode.....the pills help, but hey, the reality, is you have to be happy, to be happy, you know?? Pills can't change everything.......!! I don't know why people keep telling me to change my pills, I don't know?? Changing meds may or may not help....but I think, I have to change myself on the inside. I don't know if I can?? That's the scary part? Gem

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