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Date Posted: 03:44:43 10/28/01 Sun
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 65.230.127.115
Subject: Back from vacation

All in all, I didn't have a bad vacation. I had a smooth flight to Tampa from Columbus Ohio. The weather there was sunny and warm. Security was not too bad going to Florida but on the way back it was a nightmare! I barely made my flight after waiting two and a half hours in line. Still I would gladly wait than worry about the security of my flight.

Upon arrival, I learned that there were to be some scheduling changes in that Chris, my seven year old nephew with a deady form of cancer; was to be flown to New York for more testing later that day. A real disappointment. He was the main reason I made the journey.

Still I made the best of the week by relaxing on the beach. I built this huge sand castle with huge walls and moats. People complemented me on it. It made me feel like a kid again. :)

A few pictures were taken; I went to a nearby store and bought a couple of sweatshirts; one of which I gave to Rhonda when I got back. The next day I was invited to a highschool singing competition where a 2nd cousin from Germany in the international exchange program was to appear. Can't remember her name though, but my sister Alison; speaks German well and knew her better than I did.

Then I got back to her house and caught a cold. Sick for the next three days, I laid around playing Gameboy and watching movies. I got a nice tan at her backyard pool.

On the last day in Tampa; Alison took me to Bush Gardens. It was an interesting zoo with lots of rides and rollercoasters. I wanted to try them all but the crowds were heavy so I just made my way around the zoo, taking pictures and going on a African Safari trip. I highly recommend this if any of you live near there. You get on this bus that goes around the park. Then this bus clamps on some floatation device and floats madly down a stream full of high waves. It was a lot of fun but not worth the two hour wait to get on.

When I came back to Columbus... the weather was cold and damp. Heck we had snow flurries last night! I made plans to spend the next week catching up on all my mail and unpacking. I made arrangements with my brother Eric to come up from Kentucky with his fiancee Anitria to surprise Chris by just hopping in the car and driving to New York. We were going to do this but we decided to skimp out because we did not see a way to get into Manhattana and find a place to park! For those who don't know Ground Zero is in Manhattan.

Eric, Anitria and I decided to go hiking instead. We enjoyed Blendon woods. We were beat by theend of the day because the trail was approximately 6 miles long. The fall foliage was wonderful and of course more pictures were taken.

But all in all.. everything went ok up till I went home to visit my parents. This was a big mistake. Though I have not seen them for a whole year, all I heard was mother complaining about my weight (I gained 30 pounds this year. She griped about Eric getting married to Anitria and compared her to Rhonda my wife. They said they would not support Eric's wedding and unlike mine would not go to it. They came to mine dressed in black and sat in the back pew. The have the gall to claim that Anitria's family is controlling but can not see that there very actions had a hand in the destruction of my marriage and now they were going to destroy Eric's too.

Eric has decided to marry anyway, on his principles. I support him in this. It's none of my parents damn business anyway what he does. He's 35 years old! He can make up his own mind if he wants to. Eric asked me to be his best man and I told him I would.

Anyway, I stayed with my parents for two days. I had hoped that this meeting would be somewhat fruitful and apparently it had not. Mom said I was the worse child she ever had and I decided that I had overstayed my welcome and drove back home. I walked out on them.

By the time I got home I heard two tearful messages by mother apologising for her behavior. I wept and grieved for leaving home. I am not sure if I will go down there this morning or not. It's a three and a half hour drive one way. Monday I have to be at work early.

I got home and clearly went overboard. I put a cocked gun to my head and forced myself to put it down. I spent the next two hours working on my will and then e-mailed it to them. The next few paragraphs is the exchange I had with my father... as you can tell everything is still my fault. But if your interested in it read on.

Dad;
I don't think we'll EVER be able to put the past behind us. I might have been your worse nightmare but I never hit either one of you. I NEVER asked for any of your assistance except in time of need. And unlike everyone else... who always got spoon-fed, I always found a way to survive (without) your assistance.

I do not know why you still hate me. I was a runaway back then... and I realize now that it is because I can not deal with the crap any longer. I just can't.

You want me to lay the cards on the table... you will NEVER know the deep grief I have suffered during those dark years. The rage I had then only was the icing on the cake. I could not trust anyone...PERIOD! Trust in parents have to be EARNED. And you did not earn my trust. You did not take the time to listen to me... and while I locked myself in my room all the time, you have no idea what was going through my mind. The anger portrayed was a smokescreen. I just could not reveal the ugly stuff I was wrestling inside at that time. I sought to drive you away... so I could force that stuff in and try to control it somehow. You have NO idea what was going on at Highlands. It was bad there...REAL BAD!
My memories back then are darker than the ones I caused you! Much darker. 20 years seems like a long time but time does not erase wounds that continue to fester. I have not forgotten. As you have not forgotten. When it got real bad, I finally broke at a Catholic retreat you sent me. I tried to act tough afterwards but you do not know what an influence that stuff had on me.

I did not leave home just to rebel against your authority. I was cracking up inside and I had to get out to remain sane.

The reason I have gained weight is because I suffer from major depression. It is all those stuffed up feelings inside that are killing me. I have been suicidal for damn near half my life. Who cares how much I weigh? I am fighting to find reason to stay alive... I have no purpose, no goals, no reason to live except for excuses I tell myself. Like mom and dad cares about me... but every time I visit you... all I get is just criticism and shame from you both. You want to put the past behind! Start with Rhonda! Let's try to forgive ok???

Eric cares about me and so does Alison and Chris... these are reasons I am breathing today.


Fuck the weight! I got more important issues on my mind right now. Like struggling each day to find the ambition to go to work. You think I got to work things out with God??? Maybe we all do but unlike you, I have experienced death. I no longer fear it. I am ready for that day. Beats living in a shadow the rest of my life!

What I need is some support. Parents who care without lip service. I have PTSD. I am no longer in counseling. I am nearly out of my anti-depressants and have been taking half-dosages the past three months. I have not stepped inside a church in nearly a year! I just don't care anymore.

the next day......... suicide prevention message

What does one do when one has no vision of the future and no goals in life? My parents think I'm a failure and today I put a gun to my head... but put it down and instead wrote a will. I tried years of counseling for PTSD... ever since I was 8 years old. Counseling focuses on the problems... and life at home... does too. Meds? I tried them... I stopped 2 months ago... my psych just quit and went somewhere else. The meds helped some. But not enough. The temptation is always there to trip out! I even got a stash of Xanax if I need to get the nerve up before pulling the trigger. I told my dad... he is nervous about me... and trying to help me keep cool. I feel ashamed to feel this way... if I die... then people will get over it eventually and forget about me. I am lonely... been that way most of my life. People won't care that I am gone... just another statistic. My parents care... but I can't seem to shut off the verbal insults either.

The scary stuff is knowing that if I pull that trigger... there is no going back. I won't live... I will be dead. A 45 Caliber with hollow points will do the trick. I am not sure which is less painful, the 45 or the shotgun... The shotgun is probably best but it sure will be gruesome. I figured taking a bunch of pills and waiting an hour will help soothe things over.

I have insurance... I am covered. Gives me peace of mind. So why am I here? To reflect... and to talk myself out of it. But one day... I will not be able to... this stuff is getting easier to deal with than it used to be. I got to e-mail my dad and let him know I'm alright. That way the pressure is off and he won't worry. It's a lie... but he might go to the cops. Good thing you won't. I made sure that this e-mail won't go to the location where I am at. The cops don't even know... I directed everything to a P.O. Box and made sure that the reference card at the post office goes to an old address and not the current one. Am I smart or what?

Well it's 3:30 in the morning here. Tomorrow is a new day. Got to get up and smile for everyone. Everything is so plastic... but that is what everyone expects. Thanx for listening...

----- Original Message -----
From: Richard Ante
Sent: Saturday, October 27, 2001 10:39 AM
To: Jonathan Ante
Subject: Re: I am feeling better now... made $371.00 on the stock market this week.

Jonathan:

1. Why do you sign your email DA?

2. I do not like the depressive sound of your emails - not one bit. You are in poor mental health. You should never have stopped seeing your doctor and taking your medecine. You must call and make an appointment and begin taking your medecine immediately. It takes months to get your medecine back into your system and operating correctly. It also takes close monitoring by a doctor to make sure you get just the correct amount - not too much and not too little.

3. You will not overcome this depression by yourself. You cannot do it alone. You must seek help from a doctor. This is vital to your survival.

4. You must work. All people must work, you are not alone. Why do I need to say this. Life is a challenge and we all have to make a living.

5. I can't say anything to improve your outlook on life other than the above. Mental illness is like physical illness. You have to take medecine for it and never stop taking it - but in the proper doses. What you went through with your mother the other night was nothing - nothing for anyone who is stable. But the fact that it cause so much stress on you shows that you are low on your medication.

6. Take those pills now. If you want to do something good for yourself do this now. Only then will you be able to cope with your overweight condition - which whether you like it or not is also part of your problems. So you must face up to all of these things, just like poor Chris faces up to his fight agains neuroblastoma. If he can take it why can't you as you are a grown man?


My response:

1. DA means I haven't figured out what to put in yet. I have an idea... I just do not know how to go about changing it now.
2. I will take the meds... I do need them... I need to find a new doctor to prescribe them for me again. My doctor left the practice. I have only about one week of them left though.

3. Mom struck a deep nerve in me the other day. I left because I was not wanted or loved. Just like I did 22 years ago. Nothing has changed... this is going to always be a problem won't it? I came home and got real hard on myself... and for what? So that you can insult me? Blame this on mental illness all you want... but the feelings from long ago resurfaced yesterday and must be dealt with. I guess you will go to your grave knowing that peace between us will never be resolved. You don't care about me... so why should I care either.

From: Richard Ante
Sent: Saturday, October 27, 2001 10:24 PM
To: Jonathan Ante
Subject: Re: I am feeling better now...

1. I still don't know what DA stands for. Please explain.

2. What happened to that jar full of medecine you had a few weeks ago ?

3. You should be able to take criticism and move on. You do nothing but dwell on yourself.

4. What do you want us to do? You brought up the subject of Rhonda and your childhood once again. Can't you not talk about these things?

5. Your childhood is over. Your life is what you make of it.

6. Take your medecine and see a psychiatrist and a therapist and move on. Don't run away from a problem when it confronts you. Don't keep saying your feelings are hurt.

7. Don't you think other people have feelings too? Does the whole world revolve around you. You are constantly worrying about you and your feelings. Why? Because you only think of yourself. You constantly think of yourself. You think you must have other people talking very nice to you all the time because you will get your feelings hurt if they don't. It is always you, you, you.

8. Maybe you should volunteer your spare hours to go help the sick and poor. Help out at your church. Do something but get your thoughts off of youself and try to help others.

9. Do you think life is easy for others? Everyone has it hard. It's just that some people are more alert and figure things out better than others.


My response...

Dad;
I have medicine. I am low in Zoloft. I am supposed to take 200 mg a day. I take 50 mg a day. Most of my medicine is for other stuff.

Ok... it may be always me, me, me... well... I don't know how to think your way. We are all walking wounded. Maybe I just can not see past that stuff. Maybe it's all I can see. Guess that's why I am mentally disabled huh? Know what PTSD means? I have been diagnosed with it. Read about it sometime and you will be enlightened some.

DA... is my handle. It means "Dead Alive". Figure it out for yourself. I caught the phrase on your birthday three years ago while carving the message in my arm. I wanted everyone to know what a fucked up family I have. Makes me kind of fucked up too, doesn't it? Your worthless son... never will amount to much. You said it... and now I am living it. Here's a new one... "ST" figure that out sometime. It is a powerful truth that many, many people value. For ST is a name of a rock group. Millions regard their music highly. Maybe you should go to the library and steal some of their music and listen to the lyrics. It's about me, me, me. And not about you, you, you.

Dad... tonight...

Dear Mr Feeling Sorry For Himself:

Dead Alive is repulsive to me. It means a person is alive but dead. It is gruesome thought. Depression causes such thinking.

These are the very kind of thoughts you must avoid. Get them out of your system.

Dad

I responded that he was pushing me away from him and never got another word from him again today.

And so the saga continues..

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