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Date Posted: 16:32:14 06/12/01 Tue
Author: Hurricane
Author Host/IP: 24.25.5.69
Subject: Re: To Hurricane
In reply to: linda 's message, "To Hurricane" on 15:08:51 06/12/01 Tue

Linda,
I was very surprised that he reacted the way he did. He's normally a very logical and loving man. Perhaps he's flustered by something he can't see or fix, or something he perceives as not real. Perhaps he's worried that this is the gateway to schizophrenia, I don't know. I'm a little afraid to talk to him about it, but I'm sure I will one day. I'm glad that there are people here who understand and who make me realize that this isn't a conscious decision I'm making, but something that's wrong with me. I was thinking about it last night and I realized I've had four depressive episodes over the past ten years, including two suicidal times. I never put it together. I just thought that all teens considered suicide at one time or another and left it at that. And the second time I had just been dumped, so I figured that was normal too. Funny, though, I went numb after I was dumped, and the thing that pulled me out was meeting my husband. Now he doesn't know how much he means to me. He rarely sees me depressed because I tend to be at my worst when he's away for business. I feel lucky to have him, but there are days I want to slap him across the face and scream and kick and shout and cry and wonder why he doesn't understand.

On a different note, my meeting with my therapist went really well this morning. She referred me to a couple more docs who can prescribe something for me so I can get myself out of a spiral of not caring and start helping myself. I forgot to ask her about writing a letter to my husband, but I'll try to remember next time.

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