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Date Posted: 11:37:10 05/02/00 Tue
Author: sjb23
Subject: Dear Diary

05/01 hello diary...I had to tell you about my weekend...saturday morning, i woke up to the sound of moaning and groaning (come to find out later it was just me)--it got me so hot that I pulled Woodie out and was all ready to use him on my wife, but realized she wasn't lying next to me--I was in an empty bed ! I figured the next best thing was to....yep...u guessed it...I spanked dat monkey til he was pukin up "banana juice"...after I changed the bed sheets, I left the bedroom only to find an empty house...my wife left a note saying "Gone shopping"...I saw this as an opportunity to....yep...u guessed it...whip out the latest issue of "Bodacious Ta-Ta's" and get out a clean towel...after I had a quick breakfast ( a couple of CREME-FILLED donuts) I decided to do some yard work...as I began pullin on the cord to start the lawnmower, I got excited by the idea of pullin on the cord, so I stopped and....yep...u guessed it...took advantage of myself--I tried fightin' myself off,eally I did, but I was just too strong for myself so I just "gave it up"...well,to my surprise, my lovely neighbor was watering the flowers in her flower bed, and I just didnt notice her watching the whole thing while I was "poundin da pud"...after the police released me on my own recognizance, I knew that I had to start trying to "control da urge"--it would only keep getting me in trouble, plus my towel cleaning bill was really getting out of hand (no pun intended)...i just had to get SEX off my mind...I remember watching a movie years ago- "clockwork orange"...seems young alex had a similar problem, although he was obsessed by violence instead...he became part of an experiment whereby he was forced to watch violent acts on film while being fed intraveniously by a medicine designed to make him so sick he would routinely puke...in a similar fashion, I decided to watch porn and keep drinking beer (didnt have such a medicine,and I hate needles)until I was so sick that I would puke,thus created the psycho-symatic reaction to the sexual act...DAYUM, diary, I didn't know I could drink THAT MUCH BEER and STILL not puke !...after watching "Debbie Does Des Moines" for the 23rd consecutive time, I was STILL JONESIN FOR A HOLE to bury Woodie in...since my wife was STILL FUCKIN SHOPPIN...I decided to...yep....u guessed it...slam da salami til it produced some provolone...well, needless to say,"Richard" was getting a little sore and shriveled-lookin, so I knew I was done for at least a few hours...i decided to catch a few zzzzzzzzzz's........(TO BE CONTINUED...)

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