Jokes for your funny bone -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 12:20:31 11/23/01 Fri
Author: Jade
Subject: Jokes for your funny bone

Some Actual Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll
wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a
leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet --
miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

*****
Tale Of The Little Gray Rock

Once upon a time, there lived a little gray rock in a fish tank.
His dream was to be a driveway rock.

The little gray rock had two friends that lived with him in the
fish tank, a red rock and a blue rock.

Everyday the fish that lived in the fish tank with them, would
come over and make weird faces at them.

The little gray rock really started to get bugged by this, so he
formulated a plan with his friends. They decided the next time
that fish came over, the little gray rock would climb onto his
friends and smash the fish.

Well, that's just what they did and it killed the fish. The
owners of the fish saw that the fish was dead so they flushed the
fish down the toilet, and threw the rocks out onto the driveway.

MORAL: Use your friends, smash your enemies, and you get what you
want.

***

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and
kicked it over.

Man: Again? So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.

Man: And then what?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.

******

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