mega joke pack! Grab a chair and get ready to laugh -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 10:02:57 12/09/01 Sun
Author: Jade
Subject:

mega joke pack! Grab a chair and get ready to laugh

How do you cancel an appointment with the sperm bank?
- Call them on the phone and say "I can't cum."
***

A business man landed in an airport in California. When he walked outside to get a cab, he realized that he hadn't brought enough cash with him. He walked up to a cab and ask the driver, "How much would it cost to get a ride from here to my hotel room?"
The cab driver responded, "Fifteen dollars."
Thinking about it for a minute, the man said, "I'll make a deal with you! I didn't bring enough cash with me, so if you'll give me a ride to my hotel and give my your address, I'll mail you $25 when I get back home!"
The cab driver said, "Do you think I'm crazy? If you don't have the money, get out of my cab!!"

The man had to walk 5 miles, carrying his luggage to the hotel.
Some months later, the man had to go back to California on another business trip. When he walked out of the airport, there were 8 cabs lined up outside.
In the last cab, he recognized the cab driver that wouldn't give him a break.

He thought, "Uh huh!" He walked up to the first cab driver and asked, "How much would you charge me to take me from here to my hotel room?"
The driver responded, $15."
The man then said, "I'll tell you what. I'll let you have sex with me for $25!"
The cab driver was furious. He said, "What do you think I am...some kind of pervert?!"

The man proceeded to the next cab and asked the driver the same question. Getting the same response from each driver, he ended up at the cab of the driver that wouldn't give him a break.
He asked the driver, "How much would it cost to take me from here to my hotel?"
The driver responded, "$15."
The man said, "Deal!" and got into the cab with the driver.

As he passed the other seven cabs, he smiled, winked, and held his thumb in the air.

* * *

Harry and his wife, Sadie are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

Sadie's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
"A hundred dollars," she smiles.
He says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." Sadie runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy, all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

Sadie gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply huge penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "Hold on."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

* * *

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver-back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady is taken to the hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asked, "Are you hurt?"

She replied, "Of course I'm hurt; He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

***
Indians' Land

When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were:
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
***

The Amazing Flying Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After
hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving
his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
***

Inspiring Music At Church

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to
ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was
sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who
can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star
Spangled Banner."
***

A 7yr boy asks his dad "What is a penis."
His dad says "Come here son I'll show you." He unzips, flops it out and says, "Son, there is a penis, as a matter of fact it is a perfect penis."

Later that afternoon the kid is playing with his pals and one of them asks, "Did you find out what a penis is?"
He replies "Yeah, come here I'll show you."

He produces his organ and says, "If it were about an inch shorter it would be a perfect penis."

* * *

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.

"No problem" says his friend, "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."

So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friend's advice, he proceeds under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and, finally, soft snoring.

Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the commode.

"Shhhhhhh........" she says, "Mother's in town."

* * *

This guy was thumbing his way from S.F. to N.Y. and not having much luck in Montana, was doing more hiking than expected. As he walked along a deserted stretch of highway he met a Montanaite coming from a side road.

The native said his pick-up broke down and he was on his way into town for help. As they walked together, they rounded a bend in the road and saw a sheep that was stuck in the wire fence.

So the Montana guy says, "Just a few minutes," and takes advantage of the situation by having his pleasure with the entangled ewe. When he is finished, he returns and asks the Friscoite if he would like to try that.
The San Franciscan says "I'd love to," and sticks his head in the fence.

***

ALASKAN MINER
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."

***
SUPERSTITIONS:

The Blarney Stone is a stone set in the wall of the Blarney Castle tower
in the Irish village of Blarney. Kissing the stone is supposed to bring
the kisser the gift of persuasive eloquence (blarney.)

If you say good-bye to a friend on a bridge, you will never see each
other again.

If someone is sweeping the floor and sweeps over your feet, you'll never
get married.

If a clock which has not been working suddenly chimes, there will be a
death in the family.

Cows lifting their tails is a sure sign that rain is coming.
***

Questioning A Lawyer's Personal Integrity

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized
she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing
young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and
continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen
thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."

***

Proverbs As Told By Children

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She
gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had
them come up with the rest. These are great:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have
to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

***
Achieve 103%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

IF :

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!

***
-Idiot Story-

Only in Canada would someone ask their friend to shoot him, not once but
twice, to test a bullet proof vest. The man from Swan River, Manitoba
put on the vest and asked his friend to shoot him in the chest with a
22 caliber rifle while a third man videoed the experiment.

Then,he asked him to shoot him again, this time with a 12-gauge shotgun
in the back. He put a telephone book under the vest due to the gun's
greater firepower, but still suffered cracked ribs and bruises. The men
face a firearm prohibition hearing in January to consider whether they
should be allowed to handle guns.

***

Dividing Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory
nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then
started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country
road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that
would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded
their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large
pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road.
The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you.
One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened
to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the
boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a
moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The
cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when
they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road
and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his
son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently
and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One
for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing
the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later
as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said
to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the
road, we'll have them all."

***
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.

Clinophobia is the fear of beds.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.

***

Simple Math
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

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