Jokes for your funnybone -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 19:39:59 12/28/01 Fri
Author: Jade
Subject: Jokes for your funnybone

Skirt Too Tight

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a
local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very
attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse,
leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it,
but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg
to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she
reaches behind her and undoes the zipper on the back of her skirt
a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot manage the step, so once more
she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With
a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again.
She finds that she still can't step that high and so with
exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way
down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom
step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the
waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think
you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

The Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you
unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

***
Salesman

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
***
Sunbathing Nude On The Top Of A Hotel

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation
time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she
sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second
day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in
order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her
way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running
up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath)
assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed
little man.

"You are lying on the dining room skylight."

***
Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely Naked

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."

***
Automobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buck`s Irregular
Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

***
Short Stories Of The Truly Moronic

Will the real dummy please stand up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

With a little help from our friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up!"

What was plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.

These nitwits are teaching our children?

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week -
for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints
would make him "jump higher."

-and-

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be
confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather
straps!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This
is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner,
"when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

The getaway!

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Too well educated?

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too
many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another
field, all this may not have happened."

Did I say that?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"

Ouch, that smarts!!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-
Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of
his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping
and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.

Are we are communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This
is her husband!"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

***
Are You Kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

***
Cheap And Simple Ways To Ward Off Burglars

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the
house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of
meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They
must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please
be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all
openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care
and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The
termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will
fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have
been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have
merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

***
Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This?

The following are two of the top winners of a Most
Embarrassing Moments Contest:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving *right now*, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!'

"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even
the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last
of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter."

Amy Richardson-- Stafford,Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and
I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again."

***
Insanity In The Workplace: A How To Guide

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you
are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only
by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Highlight" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the
meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward
the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your
snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean
back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than
that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

***
Doggie Quotes

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"
--Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
--Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
--Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity
of dogs." --Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got
the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture
unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the
conversation." --Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come
back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken,
pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on
earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99
cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
--James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a
person with pets." --Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that
you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance,
everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that
will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath
is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face. --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
--Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to
make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag
of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation
as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he
loves himself." --Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You
are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful
and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be
worthy of such devotion." --Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will
not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and
a man." --Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a
Great Dane." --Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of
amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think
humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck

***

Letters Of Recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."

"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."

"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put
in."

"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for
you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better
left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job
candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an
offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate
or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."

"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no
qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."

"He's an unbelievable worker."

***
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got
two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

***
A Very Puzzled Blonde

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of
the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For
heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

***
Life's Funny Little Realities

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to
their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They
would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can
make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life doesn't just begin at forty; it also begins to show then.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old
because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more
cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and
it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to
your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled
backwards?

***
Thinking On Your Feet

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he
was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants
to buy the other half...

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy
replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?"
asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and
hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy
replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

***
Attorney Hunting

A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys

372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting
license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport ing (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however,
prohibited.

372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor
vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and
the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or
hospitals.

372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary
to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same.

372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day: Yellow-bellied Sidewinders:

2 Two-faced Tort-feasors:

1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators:

3 Horn-rimmed Cut-throats:

2 Minutiae-advocating Chickens:

4 Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.)

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