First post in forever -- foolish farm animals and other sexy stuff

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Date Posted: 01:23:06 03/30/02 Sat
Author: Yvonne
Subject: First post in forever

Okay, I decided I'd rather post than e-mail or talk or engage in any other form of communication. So, here I go..I'm not even gonna read back. I'm just gonna write. First of all, you do not have to reassure me that your apology was sincere. I know you meant it, and I appreciate that you apologized, because I know that it is especially difficult for you to strike up these kinds of chats. I don't think I particularly deserve an apology--neither of us really did anything to piss off or intentionally hurt the other one, which is why this is so difficult. As you said, with Matt, you have fundamental personality disagreements. That kind of conflict is easier, because it is resolvable in one way or the other. Ours, well there is no concrete conflict, so it's kind of hard to reach a concrete resolution. But you know all of this, so my going on seems rather frivolous. Basically, what I want to say is that while three weeks ago, even two weeks ago, I thought, "Okay, Caleb is pissed at me, but I can deal with it. We'll walk, talk, and everything will be like it used to be. Caleb would be the person I'd call every five minutes to bitch to. We'd fight but be best friends." Now, I want you to know that that is waht I want. I do want that terribly, but in the past week (and maybe I'm being overdramatic, or maybe since we've been talking about it so much, I'm just exasperated) I've felt as though we're not going to regain what we had. And I hate that. I wish we could, but lately our talks have seemed forced, and I just haven't felt the same kind of connection. Of course, it's not like we're strangers--we're still pretty damn good friends, but it's just been weird and disconcerting for me. I'm not even gonna get into why this all happened--my acquiring new friends, my being inconsiderate to you, and your distancing yourself. We know all that, and none of that can change; but what I fear is that even if we try to rectify it now, we've kind of lost something we used to have. And this sounds all mushy, but this is how I feel. And I want SO BADLY for things to return to the way they used to be, and if they do, GREAT! That's wonderful. We'll never bring up what happened in these past months. And I really don't want to type, "friends grow apart," because I never believed we would, but I feel like that now. I guess what I'm saying is that I think we should really try to get thigns back, but that if we can't, rather than giving up totally on our relationship, have a new one. And that sucks..I know. I don't want a different relationship, but that's SO MUCH better than just having none. And I guess I am fearful that with your distancing tendencies, rather than trying to remain friends, you'll just give up on us, decide that I've chosen someone else. I do not want to "choose" people..I want to be friends with you and Jenna and whoever. Yes, with Jenna, I can say anything to her, but with you, I feel comfortable and my total self. I share things with you I could NEVER share with her and vice-versa. The other night, Ididn't at all mean to imply that finally I've found a true friend--obviously, you've been more than just a typical friend for the last three years. You don't need to worry about that. So, I guess, we can have another "conversation" if it arises (though we shouldn't force it), but let's just try to be natural, let what happens happen. And please, don't be hesitant to call me or wahtever..if I don't want to hang out, I'll bitch you out like normal :-) Just don't make this out to be an end thing..cuz it's so not. Ok? So, there's my peace.
-Vonk

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Replies:

Re: First post in forever -- Caleb, 23:13:34 03/30/02 Sat
- Re: First post in forever -- Yvonne, 12:43:46 03/31/02 Sun