| Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 2 (long) |
Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 15:03:40 07/22/03 Tue
In reply to:
Athena4
's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 2 (long)" on 18:23:57 07/20/03 Sun
Moving slowly, her eyes focused on the supposed emptiness, she reached under her pillow, grasping the cold hard metal of the gun in her hand.
What else would she grasp it with? You could cut "in her hand".
she mentally cursed the penny-pushers at Centre, who insisted that the heating systems be set to minimal during sleep shifts.
It's not just penny-pushing, though, is it? It's also part of the whole demoralization that is Five.
Tilting the head upwards, she identified the owner as one of their own, and cursed silently.
I think she'd identify the body with a name.
When she finally reached Systems, her heart dropped into her stomach. Kemal was dead, his body thrown carelessly into the corner, and the rest of the room was crawling with men. At least five of them stood guard in the entranceway. There was no way she could take on that many men alone – and no way to alert the rest of the station with Systems in their control.
If there are five men on guard, where is she standing that allows her to remain unnoticed?
It moved stealthy steathily, much like she had a few minutes earlier comma and halfway down the corridor, it paused, apparently catching sight of her at the end of the hall.
If he catches sight of her, why doesn't she react? She doesn't know that it's a baddie, but she doesn't know yet that it's a friend either.
Crouching down next to her against the wall, Petrosian glanced quickly towards Systems, failing to hide a pained grimace behind his usual cheerful demeanour – Kemal had been his friend.
They can see Systems from where they are? Sorry to nitpick; I'd just like the layout to be a little clearer.
Egran snorted. “Point taken,” he grinned. “So, my dear, how are we going to get out of this one?”
Technically speaking, "grinned" isn't really a dialogue tag. You can't grin and talk. ;-)
“No idea. We have to assume the guards outside are dead. I counted six more in the hallway. We’re eight. Kemal was nine,” he frowned again, slamming his fist against his knee.
End the sentence after "nine" and start a new one with "He".
“That doesn’t do us much good – two people and a dozen guns is just as ineffective.”
As ineffective as what?
Madeline shrugged, nodding towards the group of heavily armed men in the other room.
heavily-armed
“A few more minutes, and that point will be moot. You think they’re here playing computer games? We’ve got to keep them from leaving here with any information. “
cut "here" from after "leaving"
The generator was several levels below their current position, the chances of her escaping once the charges were set close to nil, there was no point in her dressing for that possibility.
You've got three separate sentences there separated by commas. Needs to be semicolons, and I'd try to stick an "and" in there somewhere. ;-)
But their wide-eyed fear belied the fact that they were well trained operatives
well-trained
dropping down into the hallway outside the weapons lock up.
lockup or lock-up, I think.
Unguarded, the only difficulty that remained was the access code
Your "unguarded" is hanging out there. Try "With the room unguarded..."
Egran took out that problem quickly, using his gun to shoot out the mechanism, and force open the door.
Did he use his gun to force the door? If so, take out the comma. If not, change to "forced".
or anyone who managed to get downstairs quickly.
who'd managed
One of their targets fell, his weapon clattering to ground.
to the ground.
“We can still make it.”
They broke into a run, dodging shots, and firing themselves. Finally, they pushed through the door to the generator room, taking out two of their pursuers before barricading the door behind them.
I think you could liven up this sequence, make it a little more tactile. They're fighting for their lives at this point, and defending their home turf. Hearts should be pounding.
“Five maybe. More on the way I’m sure. Why?”
Five, maybe. More on the way, I'm sure.
“There goes our exit.” Madeline smiled wanly, meeting Egran’s eye.
Only one of his eyes? ;-) This is something I struggle with a lot - I find myself always having people look, or gaze, or talking about the expression in someone's eyes. Anyway, the one-eyed thing startled me. ;-)
That lasted all of ten seconds, then their eyes met and they were up again, unbarring the door. Once again they had the element of surprise on their side – the men outside the door weren’t expecting their prey to come to them. As a result, Madeline and Egran were able to take out three men before the others even opened fire.
I sort of missed what happened here - did they decide, unspokenly, to charge the door? If so, you might try to indicate it a little more.
“Let’s get out of here comma then.”
“Sure we will,” Egran smiled,
Smiled isn't a dialogue tag.
“We’re both too crazy to die!”
Heh. Great line.
they ran side by side door the corridors,
Um, through the corridors, right?
Madeline fell to the ground, her injured shoulder grinding against the already falling rubble painfully as she landed.
I found "already falling rubble painfully" a little awkward.
Following her gaze to the beam, his eyes widened only a moment before he rolled himself sideways; a split second before it crashed to the ground.
That semi-colon should be a comma.
Madeline lay her head down on her arms; exhaustion accompanying relief.
"laid", not lay, and the semi-colon should be a comma.
“We need to get out of here.” Raising her head with difficulty, she looked towards where she’d last seen Egran fall.
Cut either "last" or "fall."
As his arm came around her mid-section and tighten, she grunted audibly,
Can you grunt inaudibly?
“I suppose this would be the wrong time to mention it could be another type of light...” he said, his hand resting on her shoulder.
Heh.
She felt, rather than saw him slid down the wall, seating himself next to her.
"slide", not slid.
“Whose the optimist now?”
Who's
His gaze was focused on the doorway. “Looks like they found us.”
Sitting up painfully, she followed his gaze back to the door,
That's two "gazes" in two sentences.
where two figures in Section issue parkas
Section-issue
They paused, gazing around the corridor, until their eyes came to the two of them sitting on the floor.
There's another "gaze".
Her mind suddenly clear.
Her mind suddenly cleared.
“Intruders are all dead – we checked that first; once we saw the explosion.
semi-colon should be a comma.
Looking over at Chris, she reached into her jacket, pulled out a gun, and tossed it on Egran's lap.
tossed it onto
Tightening her grip until her fingers ached, she twisted carefully to meet Egran's eye. "Section One."
The end's got a great punch. That's quite an action scene.
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