| Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 3 |
Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:53:24 07/22/03 Tue
In reply to:
Athena4
's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 3" on 18:25:36 07/20/03 Sun
Ben’s nervousness and naivety continued to shock Madeline.
naivete. And there's an accent on the end, but that's god knows how much trouble in HTML. ;-)
“Penny for your thoughts?” Egran said as Ben stood. The younger man looked almost eagerly at Madeline, and she nodded assent, giving him permission to leave.
"assent" isn't necessary - it's implied in "nodded".
comma though.”
“Small; we’re going to contact Centre, tell them we’re alive, and get them to pull us out.
Colon after "small".
“I don’t think Centre was involved,” Madeline replied, meeting his eye levelly.
There's his singular eye again.
“It still could have been Centre ordered.
Centre-ordered, or ordered by Centre.
“Yes.” Laying down on the cot,
Lying down.
“You all right?” Egran asked, his arm coming around cradle her against his shoulder.
Coming around to cradle her.
She shook her head, then met his eye,
"his eye" again. ;-)
Touching the side of his face, she surprised herself by kissing him; gently at first, then more fiercely, fist clenched around the material of his shirt, pulling him closer.
That semi-colon needs to be something else. A dash, maybe, or even a comma.
He responded, fingers trailing across her ribs carefully; his touch delicate as his hands slid around to cradle her shoulders and lower her onto the cot.
Semi-colon should be a comma.
And in the end, ecstasy and agony collided, leaving them breathless and aching, wrapped around each other in the darkness.
Nice atmospheric ending.
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