| Subject: Comments, hopefully with italics and bold in the right place... |
Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 13:45:18 05/13/02 Mon
In reply to:
shrift
's message, "Working title: Karma Demands (r)" on 07:49:46 05/13/02 Mon
Lex just stood there, white hands tucked into the pockets of his black overcoat, light from the flames licking over the skin of his face.
Hmmm. Not sure about "just" in that sentence. God knows I'm paranoid about opening lines now, *g*, but it feels like...like there should have been something before it. Like the images.
"You know, Clark," Lex said, tilting his head, still staring at the fire, "if you decide you want to stay in Smallville when you grow up and don't think you're cut from the farming cloth, automobile insurance looks like it will continue to be a strong growth industry."
Solely for clarity, I'd rearrange that last bit to "it looks like automobile insurance will continue to be..."
And he wasn't asking any questions about why his black Porsche was steadily burning around twenty yards into the Potter's bull field, with feathers and bits of expensive car shrapnel smoldering across the clover.
This is a little muddy. I think I have problems with "around" and "across."
Clark hated lying to Lex, but Clark suspected Lex hated being lied to even more.
Heh. Which is ironic, considering how much of a liar Lex is.
But how was he supposed to explain a wild chase through the woods in pursuit of a giant green chicken with a yen for exotic sports cars, anyway? Nobody could explain that and keep a straight face.
snerk.
It was the same car Lex had been driving when someone had planted that CD player in it while it was parked outside the Talon.
That's a whole lotta prepositional phrases...maybe twist the sentence around and try to clean it up?
Lex hadn't been driving it lately. Clark knew because he remembered all of Lex's cars. Pete insisted it was a guy thing. Chloe insisted it was a nascent stalker thing.
snerk! I bet you'd write a fabulous Chloe.
Clark dug the toe of his work boot into the soft ground, looking up from the bruised clover at the last minute.
The last minute before what?
"Your other option is a giant mutant chicken trying to mate with your car, Lex."
Lex blinked once, then looked down and brushed a green feather from his coat sleeve. "Bad karma it is," he nodded.
Great exchange.
"I'm thinking no."
This doesn't sound like Lex to me. Your call.
Lex made a soft, amused sound comma and they lapsed into silence
"Yeah," Clark said, voice a little rough and catching in his throat. "I'm sure, Lex."
Awwwwwww.
When he was younger, losing a friend to the big city had always seemed like the end of the world. *A* world, maybe, if not the whole shebang.
Funny that he might have been more in touch with the reality of things when he was eight.
This whole section is lovely.
"I've had friends, Lex," Clark said, "but I've never had friend like you."
You're missing "a" between "had" and "friend".
She was still beautiful comma and Clark still wanted her, but now the thought of telling Lana what he really was sometimes made Clark want to curl up and die.
Lex smiled comma and his teeth gleamed in the darkness. "Who, me?"
Clark's stomach bottomed out comma and he licked his lips.
Lex always said he was used to people looking at him, and now Clark wondered if when everyone else was looking their hands ached with wanting to touch all that bare skin, too.
The second part of that sentence has a lot jammed into it, and the effect gets a little diffused, I think. Maybe rewrite and try to make it more compact? Cause it's got the potential to make people shiver.
On some level, he must have known what was going on. Clark just wished that level had shared the news with the rest of his levels.
snerk!
The look on Lex's face made Clark want to kiss him, to feel Lex's cold nose pressed against his cheek.
I'd like more detail here -- what is the look on Lex's face that inspires Clark? ;-)
Clark really wanted to kiss someone who just wanted him to without help from the meteor rocks.
Uh, is that second "to" extraneous? I'd suggest reorganizing that sentence.
some logical part of his brain demanding to know what it was he thought he was doing.
...demanding to know what he thought he was doing.
That this was Lex, and Lex was a guy.
Cut "that".
A guy who most likely had already had sex with more people than Clark would his entire life.
Heh.
Lex turned away to look at the ditch without warning comma and Clark had to back off quickly to avoid bumping heads.
Clark knew the mechanics of sex comma and his health class teachers had always been pretty insistent that they all learn about anatomy and pregnancy. And there had been the mortifying talk with his dad that had a lot of throat-clearing and no eye contact, a talk that had started off with, "Son, there comes a time in every young man's life... " and ended with, "... so don't put the cart before the horse, okay, son?"
Hee. The Jonathan bit is brilliant.
What he didn't know is was? how anyone ever got there, how they ever managed to get naked and sweaty in bed without dying of embarrassment or totally ruining the moment.
Poor Clark.
Lex keyed in the access code on a panel next to the gate comma and it buzzed as the lock disengaged.
It was strange to be here at night comma following the winding, damp path to the Luthor Castle.
He flicked on the light comma and the brightness made him flinch for a few seconds.
It was a good thing he didn't care about designer labels or his mom might make good on that threat to send him to school naked as the day he landed on Earth.
snerk. I love the Clark-specific threat.
Lex just stood still, making all these small, quick movements that took up the all the space in the room.
You've got an extra "the" before "all the space".
The phone beeped when Lex disconnected comma and he put the receiver down on his desk.
Clark's gut did a couple of backwards crossovers comma and heat flashed over his skin until he was cocooned in sweaty nausea.
just enough so that he wouldn't have to see that look on Lex's face again.
Which look was that? It's been a while since you talked about it.
Lex turned around comma and Clark wondered if it was just to show his back. The silence and space between them was awful comma and Clark moved forward to fill it until they were almost touching.
He stepped forward and blanketed Lex's back with his body, tucking his nose in the corner between Lex's jaw and ear. "God, I can smell you."
unnnrgh...
"You --" Lex twisted around in his arms comma and he looked so surprised that Clark had to kiss him.
Lex pulled away a little comma and their mouths made an obscenely wet slurping sound.
And while they kind of stared at each other, breathing hard, Clark noticed Lex's hand was clenched in his hair.
Either "noticed that Lex's hand was clenched" or "noticed Lex's hand clenched..."
Clark put his mouth on Lex's Adam's apple comma and he could feel the vibration of Lex's voice against his lips.
Clark shrugged comma and it had the unexpected result of rubbing his body up and down Lex's.
Lex steered them through the door comma and Clark had to let go so they could walk up the stairs to Lex's bedroom.
Tempting, but Clark didn't think Lex would appreciate being carried.
snerk! I may make you write this later. ;-)
Lex's cufflinks made small thumping noises as they hit the carpet comma and he shrugged off his shirt.
Clark peered over Lex's shoulder to see that the freckles were thickest across his shoulder blades, so many that they almost merged together.
If his parents asked, he'd blame it on the chicken.
snerk!
Lex crawled onto the bed and prowled up Clark's body until he was straddling Clark's hips. "Think of it this way," Lex said, wiggling backwards until Clark's cock was riding firmly against his ass. "Me? I'm committing a felonious act with a minor. You? You're just getting laid."
This whole paragraph is fabulous. Thud-worthy.
Lex took him in and swallowed him down comma and it was tighter and hotter than anything he'd ever imagined.
Lex's mouth formed an 'o' comma and he pressed his head back into the pillow, eyes squeezing shut.
The sweat started to cool comma and Clark shivered a little in reaction even though he wasn't cold.
Whoo! Fun.
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