A few teeny things... -- Data Retrieval and Verification

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Subject: A few teeny things...

Author:
Shanola

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Date Posted: 19:57:55 06/10/02 Mon
In reply to: Shrift 's message, "Convergence (r)" on 18:22:27 06/10/02 Mon

*No one asked me, John. Harvey said.*
Is the grammar right on that one? Or should it be No one asked me, John, Harvey said.?

The outer castle wall closet to the ocean sagged, and crumbled.
*Do you mean closest?*

Talk about capturing voice tone! You've certainly done that with Chiana. Terrific job!

About 1812...I know the DRD on Moya had a broken eyestalk that John fixed in the first ep. I didn't notice that this one did too. Or are they the same DRD? Just made me wonder.

Overall, it's a nice story. You've captured Harvey and Aeryn. As for something more....well, the switches between scenes are a little abrupt. You may want to soften them somehow. After that, I'm out of suggestions.

Thanks for posting! I thoroughly enjoyed it. =D

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[> [> [> Subject: Snork (r)

Author:
shrift
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Date Posted: 20:41:17 06/10/02 Mon

Since I don't want to be talking about closet walls on the beach, yeah, that would be a concern.

Re: the broken eyestalk -- I only got to see the episode once, but 1812 was in a lot of firefights, and I figured it was possible he might get injured. I thought it might be a nice bit of circularity back to the first season.

If it's canonically impossible, I'm sure someone will gleefully point that out to me.

I'll see about making the section breaks less jarring.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

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