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Author:
Dana
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Date Posted: 14:17:55 06/12/02 Wed
In reply to:
shrift
's message, "some revisions - again (r)" on 06:33:30 06/11/02 Tue
One nearly-broken eyestalk, and a carbon burn on the side. The Klingons hadn't killed his little pal, and that was enough to make him happy as a clam, these days.
Rygel's snoring made him happy. Sikozu being frelling *quiet* for once made him happy.
The beginning's a little abrupt. There's nothing wrong with the words, but as a beginning, I felt a little adrift.
Then he started whistling while he worked, and the thing just lit up one day, squeaking like a broken shopping cart. DRD head-butted his boot, and synthesized a few bars back.
So cute! Loved the DRD.
So much for the three hour tour.
three-hour tour.
*Have it your way.* Harvey rolled his eyes, and walked back towards the surf.
Delete comma after eyes.
Chiana whimpered in her sleep, and curled
delete comma.
He thought maybe she was a little broken from life this time around. He would cry for her, if he could cry anymore. Chiana would probably appreciate the sentiment more than anybody else on Moya.
Anybody who used to be on Moya.
Nice.
so thinking about it was pointless. And those roads led back to his personal Rome: Aeryn.
Which roads? It's a great metaphor, I think you just need a little more connection in his thoughts.
Now he had to make his roads point somewhere else. Barcelona, or Miami, maybe. Somewhere other than her.
Still a great metaphor.
Chiana's hair tickled his chin, and he reached up to run his fingers through the silky fluff of her hair.
Could delete "of her hair" to avoid repetition.
Aeryn twitched her lips, eyes hidden behind her sunglasses. "Tide will just wash it away, you know."
For some reason, I want to add "The" in front of "tide". Aeryn's speech patterns strike me as fairly formal.
*She has a point, John.* Harvey stared at him from across the sandcastle, diligently carving out a turret with a spoon.
Heh. Love Harvey.
*No one asked me, John.* Harvey said. He turned his head, and nodded at the hissing ocean.
Delete comma after head.
The outer castle wall closest to the ocean sagged, and crumbled.
Delete comma.
*The castle is as unsalvageable as the Command Carrier.* Harvey stood up, and brushed
Delete comma.
*I think margarita shooters are in order, don't you, John?*
Still loving your Harvey.
Rygel harrumphed, and turned his thronesled around, grumbling as he left.
Delete comma after harrumphed.
She didn't move her hand, just kept it there, high on this thigh.
Typo: you've got "this" instead of "his".
Aeryn stood in the water, waves crashing up over her hips, and washing over her swollen belly.
Delete comma after hips.
John flipped up his sunglasses to stare at her, and then squinted at his hand. "Uh, got any sixes?"
Might want to reiterate that "her" is Aeryn, since Harvey's the one talking right before that.
Sikozu tossed her red hair over her shoulder, and huffed out of the room.
Delete comma.
John released her, and stepped back as she spun around.
Delete comma.
John sighed, and passed his hand over his eyes.
Delete comma.
Chiana pulled his head down, and kissed him.
Delete comma.
But John's words weren't just another little white lie, because he won't be asking where Aeryn is.
He finally got the point; Aeryn didn't want to be found.
You get into a little bit of confusion here at the end, I think, and I'm not sure if it's verb tenses or pronouns. First off, I think it should be "But his words weren't just another white lie" because you're in his POV. And then I think it should be "because he wouldn't be asking..." or maybe "because he won't ask..." Otherwise, it's like you're slipping into present. Maybe. I dunno; can't pin it down.
The only thematic thing about the end, maybe, is to bring Chiana into it as well -- Aeryn doesn't want to be found, but is that the only reason John decides not to ask Chiana to see? The dream/vision thing directly before this scene leads into it well, but the other half of the story has been about Chiana, too -- her mental state, her problems, her issues. Just a thought.
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